Lonely, hurting, need some fellowship

[Gunnersfan]

Good evening men,
new guy here.  searched this forum out on google b/c I am in desperate need of a friend and/or some fellowship. 
In the interest of not posting a wall of text I will try to give a brief yet complete summary.
I am 32, been married for 10.5 yrs, have 4 kids.  Long story short, w. little effort, poor communication, and a healthy dose of selfishness and pride from both parties, my marriage is on life support.  We are still married, and living together for the kids' sake, but she has a boyfriend and has no desire to put any further effort into the marriage.  To be completely honest and fair, she expended a lot more effort than I did the last 12 yrs. We tried to love each other our own ways rather than how the other wanted to be loved. Well, no surprise, she eventually got tired and stopped caring.  She has completely let me go wants to "just be friends", and says I need to let her go, find my own peace and move on. Problem is I cant.  I had no idea how much I loved her and needed her until she wasn't there and now I'm experiencing emotional pain so deep it physically hurts.  What she says she wants and needs is for me to back off, give her space, and let this other budding relationship take its course.  How am I supposed to do that when we live in a small house?! 
Anyway, I don't have many male friends and now I'm desperately seeking an outlet for this hurricane of emotions ripping through me.  Thanks for stopping by.

[Redjack]

Sorry to hear your family is coming apart. All I can suggest is seek Jesus and spending time in prayer. You are searching for Christian fellowship so you are on the right track.
There is a prayer section of this forum to post in also. I don't have any amazing words of wisdom to offer to save your marriage. If your wife has a boyfriend I certainly wouldn't be shouldering all the blame on yourself for the marriage problems. I will keep you in mind tonight in my prayer.

[Cally]

 

Hi Gunnersfan. 

That sounds so incredibly rough man, I'm sorry. I pray for the Lord to dwell in your house and show you a path forward.

[Nathanael]

Hi and welcome. Very sorry to hear all that you are going through. I know how it feels to lose a marriage when you desperately want to save it. Its immense pain, seeing clearly the years of decline, knowing the solution, but having the door closed on you because your wife has no interest any more. Its beyond agony when a family falls apart like this.

I understand that both of you desire to protect the kids from divorce. I still hurt hugely from what me and my ex wife imposed on our kids with our divorce, every single day, over three years later. But sharing a house together while she conducts a relationship with another man will surely be having very bad impact on your children? What happens when she wants to take it further and set up home with him, if thats the way it goes? Is she planning to continue in the current lifestyle until the children all leave home and the seem 'old enough' to cope better with your divorce? I can't see how this can work, your children have already fallen victim to the marriage breakdown, I can't see how your wife is protecting them from any damage with this plan of action, its a non starter.

Above all, be very open with your affection, love, encouragement and time for your children. That is what they need to make it through as well as possible. Don't overlook them in the midst of the storm you are in. THEY NEED DAD !

Also, don't do anything that puts you as the outsider, the one who the kids visit, not live with. Be extremely careful about setting yourself up for hardly any contact with your kids. Men get a very raw deal when it comes to parental access. You need to prepare for living in a different house than your wife, just make sure that your contact with the kids is not what gets messed up.

I haven't mentioned about persuading and praying that your wife gives up the boyfriend and tries to work with you to save the marriage and family. From experience, I would say that based on your description, that would only bring you more rejection and pain. If you absolutely must try more, set a timeframe, don't hassle her or pressure her, just pray for God to work, be loving and thoughtful in all your ways. See what happens.

A sham marriage with a foundation of adultery is not the way to go for anyone's sake.

Love and blessing to you in Jesus name...

[Gunnersfan]

Redjack, Cally, Nathanael, thx for taking time to post and pray. Nathanael, I especially appreciate you taking time to share your story.  Knowing that I am not the only one to have gone through something like this is a huge shot of encouragement when I really needed one. A lot has happened since the last post.  I read my OP and need to clarify one thing. Her boyfriend is an online boyfriend who lives in Canada and whom she met playing an online game.  They have not seen each other and have not physically spoken to each other, yet, though there is plans too, but he is a boyfriend nonetheless. She has confessed a deep attraction for him, she is happier the moment she gets online w. him, and she gets sad and mopey when they can't play together. They plan their days around ea. others schedules, they have long conversations late into the night, when they cant be on the game they are skype-ing, and they have had, and continue to have chat-sex.   Don't know about yall but that counts as an adulterous affair in my book. 
The fact that it is online has kept the kids in the dark, but who knows how long that will last. To answer your questions Nathanael, I have no idea how long she intends to go on like this.  She has made crystal clear that she sees me only as a friend and wishes that I see her the same way. She has told me that she is "praying for me to find peace" and that I should go try to find someone of my own so I "can be happy as well".  She even stated the other day that I should start paying her as a babysitter and housekeeper so that she does not feel bad about "using" me for things like haircuts, waxing eyebrows, and clothing.  The idea nearly makes me vomit, literally. Regardless, there is no doubt at this time that she wants to pursue him.   And yeah, that still hurts to say.
As for the persuading and praying, I have done that. And you described the results perfectly. More rejection, more pain. What she also made clear is that right now she needs a friend. So as you have suggested, I have tried very hard to be a good friend, and be loving and kind in all my ways, while shielding my heart and pleading w. God to change hers. I have done my best not to pressure her, but I don't know how much longer I can last.  I come home from a long day of work, get to see my kids for about 2 hrs before bed, and then have to watch her disappear to him for the rest of the evening.
To add insult to injury, she doesn't want our families to know.  She expects us to act as though all is well.(puke) I haven't said anything yet, but again, I don't know how much more I can take. If I did tell them, I'm not really sure what the fallout would be anyway. Most of the time I feel alone and trapped.
All of the aforementioned has created a new struggle for me w. severe bitterness.  It seems as though I am confessing bitterness every time I breath and I still struggle w. it. I silently scream at the irony of it all and rage at the hurt and hypocrisy, but that only seems to make me even more bitter.  Is there life after this Nathanael?
I have already done what you suggested w. the kids as well.  I have been spending more time than normal w. them, giving them hugs and kisses, smiling, playing games and so on.  I can't imagine not seeing them on a daily basis but I don't know how I could manage to afford child care for them while I'm at work. I know my parents would help in a heart beat but they live in across the country. That doesn't help the feeling off being trapped.
Well, enough for one post I spose.  Nathanael, thx again for sharing.

[WIT]

Hey I have had similar experiences and from what you describe you are in complete torment and anguish from these events that are happening to you. What I urge you to do is not keep these angry and bitter thoughts in your heart do not harbour them anymore! For they will only drag you down a bring you to a lower state of darkness.

But instead Pray to the almighty creator see how his will applies to you in this situation and excercise it. Please keep positive thoughts visualise how you want to be with loads of male friends and happy with a new partner and a good dad  to your offspring.

If you ever want to chat as a friend or recieve prayer contact me and we can chat on messeger

God Bless

W.I.T

Walk In Truth

[sesantek]

There is a solution. If I may ask you, are you saved. That is are you born again? If you are saved, is your wife saved? If she is, was your marriage founded on a solid ground? That is the word of God.

If you are saved, it is time for you to put up a fight using the weapons of heaven. You are the man and the vision of this marriage was committed to you. You must fight in the place of prayer. Your wife will come back to you. She will leave this other guy and come back to you.

The devil does not want your family together all this while. He wants both of you to part ways so that he can gain control over the children. Please resist the devil and he will flee from your family.

I will pray along with you over your family. Please cheer up, there is a solution in Jesus.

[psalm22]

     I feel for you and I am praying for you both.  I am well into recovering from my own divorce.  I see similarities with you in that you are trying to save a marriage while pushing a ton of headwind.

      First of all, I can tell you that if the two of you are not modeling a healthy, loving and affectionate relationship for your children then you are doing more damage to them than good.  Since my divorce, my relationship with my children has blossomed and it has become more and more clear to me how much of my unhappiness they were perceiving.  Now they are much happier, because I am happy. 

     As for your current situation.  I respect you for owning your part in how you got to where you are.  However,  it always takes two.  Do NOT make the mistake of trying to shoulder all the blame.  Secondly, your wife having a boyfriend, without regard to distance is Adulterous and inappropriate.  There is no reason that you should feel obligated to have to suffer that.  I believe forgiveness and reconciliation is always possible and I hope for you.  I believe you should always forgive but that does not mean you have to tolerate the behavior. 

      One of the largest relationship pitfalls I see is that people in general are not good at setting boundaries.  Her relationship, digital or not, dishonors your marriage and dishonors you.  She should not have the option of having her cake and eating it too by continuing to draw on you for support, financial, emotional, parenting or otherwise.  You should make it clear to her that you love her and want to save your relationship, including what you may have done to contribute to what made her seek out another relationship.  She needs to be willing to accept responsibility for her actions as well.  I would make that clear and then make it clear that engaging in a relationship outside your marriage while you continue to share a home is unacceptable and that she must choose her course of action.  If she cannot or will not stop her inappropriate behavior then she should leave.
     
       If you let her continue her behavior without consequence nothing will change.  Do not accept her suggestion to seek your own relationship.  She is looking to excuse her behavior by drawing you in.  It is OK to be strong.  It is OK to stand up for yourself and it is OK to put your foot down.  She has already committed acts that both legally and biblical give you cause to cast her off.  You must accept that possibility.  If you do not stand for what you know is right it will only continue to destroy you.  Doing what is right and just is difficult and sometimes painful  but you must.   

      Imagine one of your children as an adult and going through your situation and hurting like you are.  How would you feel?  What would you do?

God is with you and your Brother's in Christ are with you.  You are a child of God and this will not destroy you.

Peace.

[epiphanius]

GF,

I am in complete agreement with WIT about releasing all angry and bitter thoughts from your heart.  He emphasizes that they will only drag you down a bring you to a lower state of darkness, which is true, but what I think is equally important is the fact that it's impossible to hide resentment!  In other words, as long as you bear any resentment towards you wife, she will sense this and perceive it as justification for her continuing to resent you (which is the whole probelm, really).

You have already admitted that:

To be completely honest and fair, she expended a lot more effort [in trying to make the marriage work] than I did the last 12 yrs. We tried to love each other our own ways rather than how the other wanted to be loved. Well, no surprise, she eventually got tired and stopped caring.

Your challenge is now to "Bring forth therefore fruits worthy of repentance" (Lk. 3:7), so that she can *see* how you've changed.  You cannot tell her or explain to her how you've changed, as she will certainly see this as bargaining on your part to try and get her back to the old status quo.  Nor can you really "show" her how you've changed by any deliberately planned acts, unless they're very subtle.  It's seeing that subtle difference (of which the lack of resentment is a key ingredient) day after day that will get under her skin.  Note that it may take months for her to notice, but right now she is still seeing the "old" you every time she sees you, and that won't change until some time after the "old" you no longer exists.

One important ally you have (besides God, of course) is your kids--they still have an open channel to your wife's heart, even while you don't.  Try to think of nice things they can do for her.  Also, try to notice anything they do that she finds irritating, and quietly persuade them not to do it.  If you succeed in this, it will be one step towards softening that wall she has built around her heart.

[musician_for_God]

There is a solution. If I may ask you, are you saved. That is are you born again? If you are saved, is your wife saved? If she is, was your marriage founded on a solid ground? That is the word of God.

If you are saved, it is time for you to put up a fight using the weapons of heaven. You are the man and the vision of this marriage was committed to you. You must fight in the place of prayer. Your wife will come back to you. She will leave this other guy and come back to you.

The devil does not want your family together all this while. He wants both of you to part ways so that he can gain control over the children. Please resist the devil and he will flee from your family.

I will pray along with you over your family. Please cheer up, there is a solution in Jesus.

I want to build on this.  I think this post goes a lot in the right direction.  There is SERIOUS call in your described situation, Gunnersfan, for you to pull out and dust off that old, now-antiquated expression, and... "Put Your Foot Down" as her husband and the man of the house in Jesus' name.  I did this with my wife once, when an initially-innocent curiosity about a man online started to grow into larger and larger curiosity.  I took complete authority over that situation. I gave her a sermon of sorts, the Lord speaking through me, and I backed it up with power.  She is no longer interested in this individual, and was glad I had stepped in to break the hold of this evil curiosity that had gripped her beyond what she could, by herself, resist.  She is still fairly young in the Faith, and the devil was deftly pulling her away from me, and I put a FULL stop to it by the power of God.  I wilfilly allowed my words to upset her greatly, because she needed to get upset about the situation in order to be shaken-awake, and realize how serious it was that she cease and desist from contacting that individual.  God sometimes needs to disturb us very greatly in order to awaken us from our ongoing folly, and this was one of those times.  Afterwards, I was a gentle as a lamb, and comforted her in her renewed decision to honor our marriage above all else in this world.

The perfect Lord Himself admits to jealousy (Ex 34:14), so there is a righteous jealousy.

[Carwhisperer]

 There is SERIOUS call in your described situation, Gunnersfan, for you to pull out and dust off that old, now-antiquated expression, and... "Put Your Foot Down" as her husband and the man of the house in Jesus' name.  I did this with my wife once, when an initially-innocent curiosity about a man online started to grow into larger and larger curiosity.  I took complete authority over that situation. I gave her a sermon of sorts, the Lord speaking through me, and I backed it up with power.  She is no longer interested in this individual,

I am intrigued by this approach. I think it might be worth a shot. I initiated separation and divorce with my wife three years ago then soon after began to seek reconciliation. I suspect our divorce will be final in the next 6 months. There were 2 or 3 times when I was close to breaking through, my wife says so. Sometimes I wonder whether had been a bit more forceful if I might, just might, have won. But I lost.

A couple of helpful resources I might recommend are "Winning Back your Wife" by Gary Smalley and "Love Must be Tough" by James Dobson. These are both older books from the 80's and 90's. 

I don't want to give you false hope but I believe you are down but not out. The fat lady has not yet sung, as they say. She has not yet slept with the guy and that's a big thing. Although her relationship with him is hugely inappropriate and sinful I would stop short of calling it adultery and grounds for divorce, not that you want that anyway. I know Jesus said that if you lust after a woman you have committed adultery with her in your heart but if lust is grounds for divorce then 95% of married women have grounds.

[Gunnersfan]

Good evening gentlemen and thank you all for taking the time to respond.  I have read and re-read ea. of your posts and considered how effective the suggestions might be. But alas, the last 5 days, I think, have been some of the toughest.  Without taking the time to spell out every detail, the snapshot is this: She feels justified in what she is doing b/c of the many years of "hurt and neglect" that she has  suffered at my hands. I have gently tried to warn her as a friend and as a husband that she is on a very dangerous path, one that God has labeled as that of a rebel and I have pleaded w. her to stop what she is doing but she has flat refused. Frankly, she does not see her actions as sinful and thinks that the Bible is much more accepting of divorce than most ppl seem to think.  In fact, there are "numerous examples of ppl who put their wives away and nothing happened to them." 

Bottom line is, she sees nothing wrong w. what she's doing and would ideally like it if I were to go get myself a girlfriend.  Then we could co-habitate for the sake of the kids until such time that one of us wanted to marry the sig. other.    BUT, since I have made it crystal clear that that will not happen, she is pushing for a yr. separation followed by a no-fault divorce.
All of that came out in a lengthy convo we had last night and was followed by a sucker punch this afternoon.  I came home from work today, looking forward to a night out w. her tonight.  In the interest of still being friends and me trying to salvage whatever was left of "us" I had found a babysitter and we were going to catch a movie and dinner.  I walked in the door to find her on skype messenger w. him(nothing new) but unlike previous times, his picture was posted on his profile. I couldn't stop myself from asking the next few questions: has he seen you? (yes) do you think he's attractive?(yeah, I do) what was his response to you?(he seems to like what he sees)  As if that weren't enough, I found out they have had several skype voice conversations over the last 2 wks!!

I thought I was through feeling gutted and hurt but I guess not.  Amazingly I resisted 2 urges: 1. to vomit on the spot 2. smashing the comp. and demand that she leave the house. Try as I might, it ruined the evening. Even now as I type, the overriding emotion is anger.

So why type all that? I guess because it gets it out of my head and I am now reaching out to those who have gone through a divorce. What am I in for? Is there any way to lessen the impact of this on the kids? Does the sting of rejection and the loneliness ever subside, and are there effective ways of coping w. it?

I know it ain't over yet fella's, but its sure not lookin good at the moment either.  Again, thank you all for taking time to read and respond. It has been an encouragement.

[Redjack]

 You alone know how much you can tolerate. You alone know the full picture.
My suggestion is to draw closer to God. Take the kids to church on a regular basis, as that is your duty.
My feelings would be not to waste time with a legal separation, divorce her if she refuses to be faithful.
She is abusing you emotionally and damaging the children at the same time.
She has the upper hand and is playing you for a fool. Seriously? Skyping in your house openly and rubbing your face in it?
She is escalating the abuse. Very unhealthy. Her behavior is pure evil. How is this helping your children? You are a wreak and she is having fun tormenting you.


I have very strong feeling about such matters as I am currently divorcing my wife. I tolerated 9 years of hell and was determined to stick it out until death as I had made vows to God.
I believe death was coming as I had started wishing for it. I have a high stress job and coming home to a hostile, screaming, scheming, mate that purposefully was trying to destroy me was becoming more then I could handle mentally and physically.
A few months back God slapped me upside the head and begin to drag me out of my delusion and much was revealed to me in a wave of truth. Part of that process was when I came to this forum seeking for answers for my own issues. I was lead to a link that explained my wife's behavior exactly! She has a personality disorder and has been deteriorating rapidly. To remain with her was no longer a option. The ship was sinking and it was time to save the kids and myself. My wife? She's the one stabbing holes in the bottom of the boat and enjoys doing it.
My duty is to raise my children to know God, to provide them with a orderly house with a healthy environment of loving kindness.
The truth came to me in multiple parts that all fitted together, friends at work, my parents, her parents, my research, God's voice. They all said Go Now!
I have never doubted my decision.
I have said some strong things in this post.
You need to evaluate your situation. What is the truth? What is God telling you? Are you listening to Him?
How is your house? Your children? Yourself? You have pleaded to your wife. She is mocking you. Can she be salvaged?
Your Duty is to God, your wife and your children.

There is much more behind my story. My saga has more detail in the men's forum under the title of does your wife have NPD.

Divorce is only a last resort measure, it is lonely, painful and very expensive. God has provided for all my needs. If it is the right thing for you then He will provide for you also.
You are in my prayers.

[Nathanael]

Heya GF, hope you still get chance to visit this forum and get some support. Thanks for your reply, very clear and helpful. Sorry I haven't responded until now, really hectic her atm.
Not had time to read the other posts from other bro's and sisters re your situation, will try to read all posts when I next can log in.

You are reacting very normally, and the storm of emotions you are in is totally understandable. Hang in there! I am really glad to hear you are maintaining a strong connection with your kids. If the end result is divorce I pray that you can remain in the same house as your kids. I live apart from mine and not seeing them daily and being part of their normal routine(having breakfast, helping them with school stuff etc) is truly horrible. I feel very much a side line to their lives, except my eldest son who sees me frequently. But he effectively has two homes, here and his mum's and I hate the instability he has had through his teen years.

If you are the kind of man who has a huge part of his identity tied into the fatherhood of your kids then living apart from them is soul destroying. I am praying your wife does not mess this up for you.

There is a very strong chance that your wife will not be able to make a long term life with this boyfriend. Online relationships born of gaming are founded on fantasy and a skewed view of romance. I know this from first hand experience. They can lead to true love, but only rarely. Your wife is feeding the fantasy and right now its her driving force. The end of the road could well be a total disaster.

Not that this helps you, unless you can get her to see the illusion of this online relationship. She is basically entranced by it. I am so sorry for you and the kids. In your situation I would tell her she has to quit communication and work on your marriage, and you have to convince her of your utmost efforts to change anything that contributed to her feeling unloved, if such issues are there. May not be, but often people pursue online romance due to unmet needs. May be relevant, may be not. You will know with some thoughtful reflection of the years.

Yes, there is life after such terrible things. God is a specialist at restoration. I am marrying a wonderful woman and I feel very much valued at last. But there are vicious thorns among the roses. A broken family is something I personally will never fully get over, nor the failings on my part as a husband and father in protecting my family from all the hurt of divorce. You live with the pain, and lean on God for your future. Bless you in Jesus Name...

[Carwhisperer]

I'll summarize my understanding of the book "Love Must be Tough". It is basically an ultimatum. In this case perhaps it would be "I want to restore our marriage. I am sorry for the mistakes I made. I realize that I was not a good husband. However, the situation right now is not acceptable. It is wrong for you to continue this on line relationship while being married to me and especially in front of our children. If you do not stop this behavior I will proceed with physical/legal separation and/or divorce. I would like to work on our marriage but this behavior must stop first."

What do you think about trying something like that? Perhaps your hesitance to be firm with her is born from your desire to cling to what is left of the relationship. This is normal. But putting up with it likely won't win her back.

[Gunnersfan]

Car, I have heard of both of those books and agree that they are good books.  I have presented that ultimatum and it was met w. a resounding desire to gain separation and possibly divorce, depending on where this other relationship ended up. I capitulated to her request for space and agreed that we should separate.  What she assumed is that I would be the one moving out.  After a couple of days of near constant crying to God and some wise counsel from beloved friends I have determined that 2 things are going to happen tomorrow: 1. I am NOT moving out. if she wants space she will be the one to move. 2: The internet is her only means of comm. w. this guy. While we are living together in my house, the other relationship will not continue in the manner in which it has. Beings that I work for the internet company, and the acct. is in my name, that connection will cease to exist tomorrow.
Now this is whr I really need some prayer fellas.  She does not know any of that /\ yet. If she reacts the way I think she will, civility will be no more. There is also the substantial risk that this will be the final nail in the coffin of my marriage.  I hope it is not, but it may be.
My desire and prayer is that I be reconciled to her. Pls pray that her heart will be receptive to the message. Thx again for your time and fellowship.

[Carwhisperer]

One thing I have learned is that the passage of time can change a lot of things. I look back at things I did over the last three years and some things that seemed so important at the time turned out to be insignificant after a while. What I'm suggesting is that although her reaction might be hostile at first it might turn out not to be a very big deal as time passes. Then again, it might be the final nail in the coffin of your marriage as you say. My view, however, is that the status quo is not going to result in restoration. But PLEASE don't act on my advice alone. Keep in mind that I FAILED at what you are trying to do. On the other hand, the circumstances were quite different. I was the one who wanted out and then I changed my mind and sought reconciliation.

[Nathanael]

Very excellent words of encouragement and advice from guys here. I do have a bit of an issue with dear Sesanteks advice...I recall having many people tell me to take authority and kick the Devil out of my impending divorce and watch my wife come back. It is just not as simple as that. My ex hardened her heart to me and to God, and no amount of prayer softened her. The fact that I fought so long caused additional problems resulting in my wife having a two month stay in hospital on suicide watch and me with a nervous breakdown and severe illness.
Three years down the road and she is living with a guy who has zero interest or belief in God, and she lives as though she was never saved.

God can certainly save marriages but for every one that is rescued and restored there is at least another one that dies from the choices of an unmovable spouse, despite prayer, faith and hard work. Its too simplistic to say prayer will fix it. I don't know why the results vary but its not always about the amount of faith or spiritual warfare. We get partial success, just like with healing.

That said, prayer is vital, especially in light of you being not the one thats been unfaithful, and I am praying that your action brings positive results. Well done, I think your two steps are absolutely right. Stand strong. Let us know how things go brother.

[NowFound]

After a couple of days of near constant crying to God and some wise counsel from beloved friends I have determined that 2 things are going to happen tomorrow: 1. I am NOT moving out. if she wants space she will be the one to move. 2: The internet is her only means of comm. w. this guy. While we are living together in my house, the other relationship will not continue in the manner in which it has. Beings that I work for the internet company, and the acct. is in my name, that connection will cease to exist tomorrow.

As I was reading through this those 2 steps were top of my mind.  That's a perfect response. 

I understand that it is hard to watch someone you love choose this path so far.  But take heart.  Although you wrote that "... she sees nothing wrong w. what she's doing", she does know it's wrong.  Otherwise she wouldn't want you to act as if everything is ok "she doesn't want our families to know.  She expects us to act as though all is well."  If she knows, she can still choose to turn to the light, confess and repent.

Prayers for you and your marriage, brother.

[Carwhisperer]

Any update Gunnersfan?

[p.progress]

I read my OP and need to clarify one thing. Her boyfriend is an online boyfriend who lives in Canada and whom she met playing an online game.  They have not seen each other and have not physically spoken to each other, yet, though there is plans too, but he is a boyfriend nonetheless.

These indeed are very "perilous times" we live in [2Tim.3:1...]. A time where we men no longer can exercise our natural God given instincts and drives as a man. Sadly, we no longer live in a nation, culture or community environment that is governed by natural law nor is governed by a social conscience that we did really not that long ago, when compared to the history of man and civilization. No less that perhaps 80 years ago or so, if a man's wife children, property or otherwise - here though I emphasis his wife and children (family) - if a man's family was under attack by another man, seeking to steal away his wife's afflictions; the husband was more than free and within his rights to protect his own in the most server of methods when necessary, and no one would think to interfere with him doing so, let alone blame, condemn or judge him as a 'criminal' as is the case in this corrupted nation. Men like our grandfathers or great grandfathers did what he needed to do to protect his wife and children against such 'creeps' [2Tim.3:6; Titus 1:11; 2Pet.2:19,18-22; Jude 1:4].

OK. Now.

You mention that this man ( 'creep') is located and lives in Canada. I was looking to see if this was possibly a viable option available to you, as it still is in some states here in the US. But it appears it may not be. You probably vaguely remember hearing in the past about laws referred to as 'Alienation of Affection'. Most states no longer have or enforce these laws as they did in years past. Who dismantled these laws I do not know. But I am quiet certain they were not wise and good men.

Anyway, I looked it up and apparently Canada doesn't have or enforce such laws either. But I am quoting a piece I read on a site that may give you some recourse perhaps in a small way. Look into it:

Alienation of affection is not a category of available tort action in Canada. There has been talk of it for years in the context of one parent turning the children against the other parent, but that's in family law.

I think that the nearest thing would be to bring a tort action for intentional infliction of emotional distress. As I'm sure you know, the courts aren't too keen on such cases and they rarely succeed.

I don't know how you'd quantify your damages in such a claim as you and your wife are still married.

I'm sure you've already considered having a Canadian lawyer send him a cease and desist letter. As well, you can block any emails and telephone calls from him quite easily.

But to answer your question, alienation of affection is not available as a head of relief in Canada as it is in some US states still.

I don't know which state you live in; or even if you did live in one of these, whether these laws would be helpful to you. But here are the states that still have these laws anyway:

Only a few states in the United States still allow alienation of affection lawsuits.

These states, as of 12/2009, are: Hawaii, Illinois, Mississippi, New Mexico, North Carolina, South Dakota, and Utah.

Touching Upon My Own Personal Experience
No time to relate the depth of sorrow and grief I have been forced to endure the last ten years, since my dear, but sadly deceived and deluded wife treacherously departed from me [scriptural lingo]. I can say, that though it is has been torturous, and a sort of taste or precursor to what the darkness of damnation must be in some very small way. Yet for the one that seeks it, there is joy even in this journey, though fraught with such trials and afflictions and sorrow of heart. The thing of beauty with the Lord and his perfect plan of redemption, is that he can and will if - we allow him to do so - he will give new meaning to the words of Paul, when he said that "all things work together for good"...that is, "to them that love God and are the called according to his purpose." They do not sound hallow and cheap, as they do when parroted by those who clearly have never passed through anything that has tested what type of faith they have, as does experiencing what David alluded to when he spoke about a place he called "the valley of the shadow of death". I take great comfort in a passage that seems to indicate that God only permits evil to occur, when and only when it, in the final analysis, ends up bringing praise to him; and he restrains the residue from happening that would not. Relish those times and see it from that perspective, while you allow our heart to suffer to be endure affliction. Psalm 119 is a great and long psalm, chalk full of insight for the hurting heart.



Now. While you're responsible for failing to display God's love and even your own phileō love towards your wife at times (perhaps many, many times and for long periods of time); and you have failed to be caring, and nurturing and protecting of your wife at times; and failed her in other ways as well I am sure (who hasn't). Yet take no more responsibility for the tragic situation you find yourself in, than you yourself are actually and truly responsible and will be accountable for - no less, no more. That will help you to see and understand where the lines are; and also help you to keep a better and clearer head in dealing soberly and maturely with your wife's infidelity and wicked ways. Own your sins, but then give them in full to Christ. And in gratitude to him, be fervent in making right what you have failed in beforehand. Not necessarily doing and doing more things; but first and foremost set your mind in that mindset. The deeds of repentance will follow as you see with a sober mind, what is necessary to do in its time. Read what love is defined as in scripture, and write it down in a artful way perhaps and put it up on the wall; do the same with true repentance (see 2 Corinthians chapters 2, 7, 10 - I think). You are responsible for your sins against you wife (and children - you failed to love their mother and model that before them I think, did you not); but you are not responsible for your wife's responses; to how you failed her. She is. Here are several passages I lean upon much, that give some insight here:
"Great peace have they which love thy law: and nothing shall offend them."
"And [the seed that fell on stony ground] have no root in themselves, and so endure but for a time: afterward, when affliction or persecution ariseth for the word's sake, immediately they are offended."

We can be a catalyst to the fall of another to be sure, Christ warns of this here:
"And whosoever shall offend one of [these] little ones that believe in me, it is better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and he were cast into the sea."

But "If thou, LORD, shouldest mark iniquities, O Lord, who shall stand?"
Another but: "...But [there is] forgiveness with thee, that thou mayest be feared.there is forgiveness with thee that thou mayest be feared"
   
Now though, what to do?
Since she still lives in the house, there is hope - more than if she were to leave and you have no more or little contact or influence in her self-deluded and and self-destructive life.

But having said that. I don't at all think it wise to tolerate evil being committed by her under your roof - meaning, permitting her to use your computer, or even your desk, or chair, or electrical outlets, light switches, lights, AC, walls, doors, ceiling, roof or otherwise anything that is yours and you have the "rule over" [Gen. 2:15,18,22; 3:16; Num.30:13,16; 1-16; Esther 1:20,22; to name a few] is concerned to continue in sinning against you, the children, God and even herself...and the woman you believe she once was and is capable of being - a much better and godly woman, wife and mother. Get it?

If she is to continue to sin against God and against you, against those to whom she carried and gave birth to (your children)...and her own parents and relatives...and against society...and those whom you both invited to witness your uniting as husband and wife (how ever long ago it was) - and the list goes on; if she is to do so, you'll have to decide if she will do so with your acceptance or doing it without and apart from it.

She is not going to be 'won' to you, by you trying to be 'tolerant' or 'giving her space' to sin in your face and that of the children...though they may not yet be aware of it, but they will in time - and I doubt they're completely oblivious there is something wrong with mommy (to some degree already).

Here is where wisdom, self-control, gentleness and love (only as scripture defines that word) mixed thoroughly with firmness, which springs from the strength of conviction against sin, and guided by love and reinforced and steeled by a sincere fear of the Lord plays it's part.
Your wife is responsible for her own decisions and choices my brother; you can rest assured she will play you for the foll if you allow her to. But do not react against this in a personal way. What you must do, you must do gently but with absolute resolve when you know it is the right things to do. Don't shy away from it. Love her and be the mature one. Firm, quite and gentle - but firm. "A soft [tenderhearted] answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger". God's gentleness David says made him great: "Thou hast also given me the shield of thy salvation: and thy right hand hath holden me up, and thy gentleness hath made me great." But again, with firmness and resolve. Not 'tough' love as I understand that term. But where God would have you say, 'No more', that is where you say it. You do not want to 'loose' her, but that is her choice to make. If she allows whatever excuse she uses to drive her away, she is leaving because she wants - for whatever wrong and convoluted reasons - to continue in sin; the sin she has allowed herself to become bound in: "Know ye not, that to whom ye yield yourselves servants to obey, his servants ye are to whom ye obey; whether of sin unto death, or of obedience unto righteousness?
"


This confounds me.
That a mother with a natural inborn drive to protect and nurture her children, turns to become so self-absorbed, lusting after a 'magic potion' she in her folly believes is the remedy and a panacea with the power to cure all her ills. When such things are nothing more than an fantasy. I am sorry that she has been seduced into believing like so many have been in this and other ways, that she has found a 'potion' (so to peak) that has liberated her from those things that have 'held her feet' so earth bound to. At least Eve woke up from her delusion and admitted it in spades "I was deluded thoroughly by the smooth deceptive words of the serpent " [my version].

So many woman today are the victims of their own doings and that of cowardly women-like-men (the harlots in the halls of Congress and other seats of power, who are responsible for the ungodly laws that have driven out good and godly common sense laws). In seeking after and swallowing the false 'promise of liberty' that ungodly laws now afford woman, women vainly imagine they can cast away the cords and break the bands of God's divine laws asunder from off themselves [Psa. 2], which God himself in both love and wisdom hemmed them in by. Since that false promise the serpent made to Eve the first woman, there are those who in vain, continue to search for that ever-elusive-elixir of the liberty (from the things God has withheld freedom from).

My wife too, became one of them. And I may have always been wrong about the character my wife had in years past. But I up till her turning away from the truth unto fables, I had never doubted her being a sincerely good and godly woman. I could so much of how wonderful she was not merely to both myself and our children, but to others and strangers as well. I admired and respected her, though she would deny all this of me I am sure. But God knows as well as others, how I have spoken about my wife before her departure and even after her treachery; I to date, speak of how she was a woman who sincerely appeared to love God and displayed wisdom in her counsel to other women. I say this to say that in light of how great the sorrow and shock has been for me over these ten or so years, in having seen her turn as she has and with an implacability that still stuns me; I may be wrong (I do not think so), but I say to others that if that could happen to a woman like my wife; I have little confidence that any other woman would not cave into the whims of the flesh, and just as easily turn their backs on their husbands, on God and his commandments specifically directed at them as woman and wives. So to whom it may concern: Guard, guide and nurture your wife, you know not if the strength and character she appears to have is only a little more than skin deep. So fortify her with love, truth, with unfeigned faith and a sure hope.
"Who can find a virtuous woman...?" - or man for that matter.



I hope you are able to find a way back into your wife's heart. Be yourself...a better version of yourself; don't retaliate; don't loose it emotionally in any blowout of anger. That is a deal breaker. Rather as the prophet Isaiah said:
    "For thus saith the Lord GOD, the Holy One of Israel; In returning and rest shall ye be saved; in quietness and in confidence shall be your strength: and ye would not.
    "And the work of righteousness shall be peace; and the effect of righteousness quietness and assurance for ever."
[Isa.30:15; 32:17]


p.progress

[Hueffed]

Male friends you can count on.  go to www.  multiplying  manly  men  .com Great bunch of men that mentor one another, study the bible,  comment on the Bible , set Christlike goals, & hold each other accountable.

[Tertullian]

No update form the original poster, since 2012.  Sad when these things happen, and they happen often.

Feminism has done a lot of damage to marriage and many churches eagerly give rebellious women support in their sin against their husbands.  (If your church is one, find another church.) 

Men are not taught how to preserve a marriage in the face of feminist-minded women.  Most of the marriage advice from Christian sources is worthless.  (...unless your wife is really into effeminate men, which she isn't.)

[SHINY4UJESUS]

FIRST OFF: Anytime you need a solid Christian brother, encouragement or scripturally sound counsel; seek me here, email me at geoffius@gmail.com or come visit the ministry website at http://returntograceministry.site123.me/

SECOND: Brother, if you want any hope for restoration here; no matter how hard it is, she is right...you must give her space. Sometimes just proximity adds incredible weight to burden, and as illogical as it seems; distancing can actually draw you back closer. I am aware this is not entirely feasible if you live in the same home; but you can be intentional about how much time you spend in the home...or in her direct presence. Accountability is key here. Can you honestly say you don't ever use proximity to deliver subtle "emotional jabs," "tactical implications," or 'emotional blackmail"? Don't get me wrong, these are not accusations intended to make you feel worse man; but are critical for you to be accountable to in order to move forward and make progress. I am sure she uses many of the same tactics..LOL...I've experienced my share of difficulties in relationships too! I'll never understand women that is for sure. But you cannot dictate what she does or how she responds....you can only dictate what you do and how you respond, eh? The key element here is being brutally honest, identifying the things in your actions and behaviors that are not helping and eliminating them aiight?

THIRD: Focus is key. As long as your focus is on the problem at hand, you will continue to be crushed by the weight of it. I know it is not such a simple matter as "deciding," not to care; and I would not devalue your emotions or investment to imply that. However, if you find something or thing(s) to pour yourself into, it will not only limit the time spent in proximity to her/the situation; but will help keep your heart and mind from dwelling on it so thoroughly. A thing that has been an incomparable help to me in seasons of great trial and soul-crushing hurt...is simply having spirit filled worship music everywhere I go. On my way to work, on breaks, on  my way home, while cooking dinner, while doing recreational activity...I ALWAYS have praise music playing. This helps me stay focused on the answers rather than the problems. It helps me stay positive and fight the negative emotions so they cannot take hold. There is just such a chain breaking and mountain moving nature to worship music...it really does help.

FOURTH: Let it be these things...the new self honesty and accountability, the new unburdened emotional outlook, the new ability to move forward and succeed even without her should she so choose-let these things minister to her. I assure you...these things will have far more impact than any effort you can do directly. Watch and see how your simple transformation itself will break apart the hardness; and perhaps one day she will be pursuing you !

Be blessed brother.

[OriginalMix78]

Gunnersfan,

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I too have been through similar situation (no kids though) but it hurts nonetheless.  Through God's grace I was able to see my flaws, even though the entire situation wasn't my fault.  I still look in the mirror nonetheles and try to learn and make myself a better person, God be praised.

Through God's love and guidance, I was able to rebound and am living a very prosperous life.  I feel we all have a cross to bear in our lives, and that was one of my struggles to mold me into a better person.

You will be in my prayers.  Please reach out to me if you would like. You are important, and supported!

[RB]

No update form the original poster, since 2012.  Sad when these things happen, and they happen often. Feminism has done a lot of damage to marriage and many churches eagerly give rebellious women support in their sin against their husbands.  (If your church is one, find another church.)  Men are not taught how to preserve a marriage in the face of feminist-minded women. Most of the marriage advice from Christian sources is worthless.  (...unless your wife is really into effeminate men, which she isn't.)

Well said brother~RB