am i fool?

child.of.God · Tue Jun 26, 2012 - 02:17:13

hi. im an asian lady and im needing your advices about my marriage life.

married for 2years. after few months of getting married, i found out that he had a child with the other woman. It really hurts but i forgave him coz he promised me that it wont happen again. then this year i got pregnant with our 2nd and he became frigid. we often fight. then after giving birth i found out his infidelity again. and the woman is pregnant. i was very angry but still i forgave him. am i fool? i didnt even slap his face..

chosenone · Tue Jun 26, 2012 - 02:43:33

So basically he has been sleeping with this other women throughout your marriage and has now get her pregnant twice?!?!
Are you a Christian and is he?
The things is that by doing nothing about it, you are giving him free reign to carry on doing it(which I am sure he will)

child.of.God · Tue Jun 26, 2012 - 03:08:31

no, she is another woman. and yes we're both christian. we're converted 3yrs ago.

at 1st i wanted to leave him, because i believe that is too much to bear. but he cried to me and askd for forgiveness. he told me he was weak and been blinded and deceived by the enemy again. he promised me he will make it up to me and fix things. and askd me to give him one more chance, he didnt want us (me and our 2 kids) to leave him. so i decided to forgive him coz i still love him though. am i doing right?

chosenone · Tue Jun 26, 2012 - 04:44:58

Ok so he has now got 2 different women pregnant. Does he still see them and the children? Will he be supporting them?
In your position I would seriously doubt that he was going to be faithful, after all he has done it twice now and hasnt he heard of contraceptives?Anyone can promise what they like, but he clearly needs to set clear and strict boundaries with other women, and you need to make sure that you have full access to his phone, internet and anything else.
I would also suggest that you both go and see the pastor and speak to him. He needs to be held accountable.
Perosnally I wouldnt stay with a man who had twice cheated and had 2 illegitimate children, but thats just me. I would not be able to trust him again.

If you do stay, you need to make it clear that if it ever happens again that will be the end of the marriage, because twice he has done it now and twice he has got away with it.

Bitter Sweet · Tue Jun 26, 2012 - 04:56:38

I think you are a really tolerant and forgiving woman. I just would make sure he doesn't take advantage of this good character you have. Like Chosenone said, keep an eye on him but let him know you are doing it so you don't have to be sneaky about it.

But what about the other child? He's still going to have to be a part of their lives and see her in the process. Maybe you should go with him when he has to pick them up so he isn't tempted to step inside to visit with their mother.

child.of.God · Tue Jun 26, 2012 - 06:27:42

yes, sadly to say and hard to accept he has 2 illegitimate children now. and yes i already told him it will be the last chance of him. if he still had not learn from his mistakes and do it again, its over. if only i could turn back the time i would not marry him for even we're in bf/gf relationship he cheated on me many times. well, im just so young then and he's my 1st love my 1st man. i just love him so much. how foolishly in love.

child.of.God · Tue Jun 26, 2012 - 06:45:58

he wanted to support his child with the 1st woman whom he had an affair before we got married, but the woman refused and married other guy and the guy didnt want my husband's support. the 2nd woman, they will talk 1st about the baby. they dont have any agreement yet

chosenone · Tue Jun 26, 2012 - 06:50:42

So apart from the two women that we know of, he cheated many more times when you were going out as well. This doesnt look good, as it seems that he is a serial cheater, and unless God really deals with him, its hard to see how things will change.
I am afraid that there were many warnings there, but as you say love can be blind, and you married a man who had already shown that he has no morals, and that he couldnt be trusted at all.

I really hope that he will do the right thing now, for your sake, and for the sake of your little children, but going by his past recvord,(including the 3 years that he has been a believer) it doesnt look good.
Yes God can do amazing things, but he has to want to change and be faithful. It may also be advisable for you both to be tested for STD's as he has clearly had sex with many different ladies.

chosenone · Tue Jun 26, 2012 - 06:52:47

Quote from: child.of.God on Tue Jun 26, 2012 - 06:45:58
he wanted to support his child with the 1st woman whom he had an affair before we got married, but the woman refused and married other guy and the guy didnt want my husbands support. the 2nd woman, they will talk 1st about the baby. they dont have any agreement yet

Make sure that you go with him whenever he meets with this lady, or that you get a friend to go with him. He cant be trusted at this time to be alone with her. Also make sure that he never goes to see the child alone with her, that there is always another person there.

Bitter Sweet · Tue Jun 26, 2012 - 07:10:37

I just want to add that I don't think you are a fool, he is the fool for letting a good woman slip through his fingers.

chosenone · Tue Jun 26, 2012 - 07:21:28

Quote from: Bitter Sweet on Tue Jun 26, 2012 - 07:10:37
I just want to add that I don't think you are a fool, he is the fool for letting a good woman slip through his fingers.

yes, and for risking loosing his children as well, and risking getting an STD and passing it onto you. What a foolish man.

anx · Tue Jun 26, 2012 - 07:50:33

Make sure to take care of yourself and your own heart in this. He has put you through a lot and you have many reasons to be hurt and angry. However dont let that anger and hurt destroy who you are.

If you don't already have a good group of friends or Christians to talk to, join a Christian womens group at your church or somehow find other Christians to fellowship with outside of church if possible.

fcadcock · Tue Jun 26, 2012 - 12:41:27

Forgiving someone doesn't mean that you have to allow them to do the same thing to you again. In fact, forgiveness is often best done while walking away. That way you can forgive them, and never have to do so again.

If a man cheats, and nothing is done about it, he will do it again. If he's already done it (at least) twice, there's really nothing you're going to do to stop him from doing it again. He knows he can get away with it, and he's not sorry for it. At most, he's sorry he got caught.

My advice, call a lawyer and pack your husband a nice sack lunch for the trip to wherever he's planning on going when he leaves with all of his stuff.

child.of.God · Tue Jun 26, 2012 - 14:19:05

but despite of what he has done i still want to give him a chance, a last chance.. to save our marriage. i still want to fight for it. we have no divorce here only annulment and it is a long process. i just hope and pray that he will be a changed man. a real and mature christian.

about STD, i think i got one :( when i was pregnant with our eldest, i was hepa b positive, so our baby was vaccinated hbig at birth. i researched about hep b and it is said that it is std

child.of.God · Tue Jun 26, 2012 - 14:30:37

about going with him whenever he meets or talk to the woman, i think its hard to do.. im on maternity leave and taking care of our baby and next month im going back to work. i just said to him that whenever they meet or talk he will let me know or ask for permission first.

thank you all for listening, for the advices, and encouragements. i feel better now. im glad i found this forum to breathe my problem out

chosenone · Tue Jun 26, 2012 - 15:17:37

Did you tell him that he gave you this STD?

child.of.God · Tue Jun 26, 2012 - 17:48:36

he already knew that i have hepatitis but he didnt know that it is sexually transmitted. and i am not sure if it is. some say i could get it from dirty foods. i dont know. but i read in some web articles it is.

psalm22 · Tue Jun 26, 2012 - 18:29:34

You are in my prayers.

It sounds like you may be somewhere in the world that divorce is not as simple as it is here. I can't help you there. That aside. As it has been said, you can forgive him and you can do what is best for you and your children at the same time. I do not think you have any reason to believe he will ever stop and he is hurting you and your children emotionaly, physically and potentially finacially. It is perfectly fine to say I love you and I forgive you but I cannot allow this in my life any more.

As for HBV there is not a lot of support for it as an STD it is more transmissable by coming into contact with infected blood. If he is HBV + too it is possible he contracted it and passed it to you but it would be unlikely it was from sexual contact. Small consolation I know. HBV is not passed by contaminated food or toilet seats and such. That is Hep A. Less serious chronic conditions but much easier to contract.

child.of.God · Wed Jun 27, 2012 - 00:29:06

you mean it's wrong to give him one more chance? im worried about my kids, i want them to grow up with dad on their side.. i dont know. im really confused. i still dont know what to do :( i feel his sincerity of fixing things and he told me that we will start again and he will change, but im afraid to be hurt again but i also dont want to lose him :((

chosenone · Wed Jun 27, 2012 - 02:15:47

No I don't think its wrong to give him one more chance, as long as he knows that if it ever happens again the marriage is over. If it does happen again then you would need to be form about it, otherwise he will think that he can cheat again and again and again.
I don't know what sort of church that you go to, but if it is a good one it may help for you both to see the pastor or a church leader who can counsel you both. Maybe he can give you the name of a good Christian marriage counsellor.
I hope that he will be faithful from now on, but you do realise how hard it will be for you that he sees the other lady and child for a very long time? I would suggest that when the child is slightly older that you both go and collect the child and see him/her together. I also think that you need to make sure that if he ever sees her again, it is always in a public place and not at her home.
The problems may come if the other lady is wanting him for herself and her baby, and she will therefore do all she can to get him into bed and to stay in her life.

So far he has never been faithful to you through out your courtship or marriage. I will never understand why you married him when you knew what he was like, but you did. If it happens again then I think that you need to accept that he is just a man with no morals who has no intention ever of being a faithful husband or good dad.

Just one more thing. Are you sure that he is not cheating at the moment? Either with this lady or anyone else? Has he put any clear boundaries in place so that he doesn't get close to other women? Where did he meet them all?

Bitter Sweet · Wed Jun 27, 2012 - 03:25:14

Quote from: child.of.God on Wed Jun 27, 2012 - 00:29:06
you mean it's wrong to give him one more chance? im worried about my kids, i want them to grow up with dad on their side.. i dont know. im really confused. i still dont know what to do :( i feel his sincerity of fixing things and he told me that we will start again and he will change, but im afraid to be hurt again but i also dont want to lose him :((

I don't think it's wrong either. If you really don't want to break your family up, I don't know any woman that would want that, only as a last resort, you could work something out with him. Maybe move into a separate bedroom until he grows up, give him the freedom he wants, you don't seem like a jealous woman, even though I'm sure it hurts. But I think the love you have is stronger than those feelings. But I would make sure he use protection so there aren't any more babies or STD's made or insist he get a vasectomy.

chosenone · Wed Jun 27, 2012 - 04:14:52

Quote from: Bitter Sweet on Wed Jun 27, 2012 - 03:25:14
Quote from: child.of.God on Wed Jun 27, 2012 - 00:29:06
you mean its wrong to give him one more chance? im worried about my kids, i want them to grow up with dad on their side.. i dont know. im really confused. i still dont know what to do :( i feel his sincerity of fixing things and he told me that we will start again and he will change, but im afraid to be hurt again but i also dont want to lose him :((

I don't think it's wrong either. If you really don't want to break your family up, I don't know any woman that would want that, only as a last resort, you could work something out with him. Maybe move into a separate bedroom until he grows up, give him the freedom he wants, you don't seem like a jealous woman, even though I'm sure it hurts. But I think the love you have is stronger than those feelings. But I would make sure he use protection so there aren't any more babies or STD's made or insist he get a vasectomy.

Bittersweet, are you implying that she should let him sleep around?

?

Bitter Sweet · Wed Jun 27, 2012 - 04:24:37

Quote from: chosenone on Wed Jun 27, 2012 - 04:14:52
Quote from: Bitter Sweet on Wed Jun 27, 2012 - 03:25:14
Quote from: child.of.God on Wed Jun 27, 2012 - 00:29:06
you mean it's wrong to give him one more chance? im worried about my kids, i want them to grow up with dad on their side.. i dont know. im really confused. i still dont know what to do :( i feel his sincerity of fixing things and he told me that we will start again and he will change, but im afraid to be hurt again but i also dont want to lose him :((

I don't think it's wrong either. If you really don't want to break your family up, I don't know any woman that would want that, only as a last resort, you could work something out with him. Maybe move into a separate bedroom until he grows up, give him the freedom he wants, you don't seem like a jealous woman, even though I'm sure it hurts. But I think the love you have is stronger than those feelings. But I would make sure he use protection so there aren't any more babies or STD's made or insist he get a vasectomy.

Bittersweet, are you implying that she should let him sleep around??

Considering that she already does, make some rules about it. If's he's going to do it, he needs to get a vasectomy and make him sleep on the sofa. I wouldn't reward him for doing it but she wants to make an honest effort at keeping her family together. The family is more important than his 20 seconds of "feeling good". I think she is a very strong woman, understanding of man's nature but most importantly has a love for her family that nothing can tear apart. She has shown herself to be capable of living like this, but keeping it honest is going to make her husband more honest.

chosenone · Wed Jun 27, 2012 - 06:14:54

Bittersweet
I am sorry but there is no way that a spouse should live with a husband or wife who repeatedly cheats and sleeps around and just accept it. That is no marriage. You mention that she is understanding of a mans 'nature' as if he cant help what he does. God doesn't make men like that, but Satan will make them like that. If he stops cheating and decides to be faithful then yes she can probably make it work,and stay if she chooses, but there is no marriage if he carries on cheating. Who wants their children to live with a man who is so useless and sinful and who clearly has no moral values???
This guy is supposed to be Christian. Allowing him to sin in such a horrible way wont help the family.It will only enable the children to grow up thinking its normal behaviour.
Faithfullness is surely the first requirement for marriage.

Bitter Sweet · Wed Jun 27, 2012 - 06:39:23

You are right in a way Chosenone, it will hurt the family but she is preventing that from happening. She cannot force him to change, I think he will come around, but in his own time. I know he made commitments to her but we each make up the rules in our own marriages. She knows him way better than us, if it is an immaturity issue then he will grow up. She made a commitment to him too and I think her example can lead him down the right path. The woman has nerves of steal, if she can tolerate it, let's not encourage her to ruin it all without giving him a chance.

chosenone · Wed Jun 27, 2012 - 08:59:05

Bittersweet he has had many chances. I admire her for wanting to give him this lastt chance and I hope that he can now be faithful.

I wouldnt put it down to immaturity, I would put it down to sin and of having no morals, being cruel, being disobedient and being a lousy husband and father. If this poor lady just turns the other cheek and allows him to carry on, then he will never stop. Why should he? He has a nice wife and children and he can sleep around and have sex with whoever he likes in the meantime, catching goodness knows what.

Bitter Sweet · Wed Jun 27, 2012 - 09:31:53

Quote from: chosenone on Wed Jun 27, 2012 - 08:59:05
Bittersweet he has had many chances. I am all for her staying this last time, if he can now be faithful, and I said that before, but if he decides yet again that he will not stop sleeping around then she needs to think of herself and the children and make a new life for themlseves, hopefully next time with a godly man of morals.
I wouldnt put it down to immaturity, I would put it down to having no morals, being cruel, being disobedient and being a lousy husband and father. If this poor lady just turns the other cheek and allows him to carry on, then he will never stop. Why should he? He has a nice wife and children and he can sleep around and have sex with whoever he likes in the meantime, catching goodness knows what.

I don't know how much of it I could put up with myself. I personally would rather not know if my husband was doing this but she wants it to work and we should support her decision because it isn't an easy one.

She already stated that getting a divorce isn't an easy process in her country, that's bound to take a toll on her to.

chosenone · Wed Jun 27, 2012 - 09:34:34

Quote from: Bitter Sweet on Wed Jun 27, 2012 - 09:31:53
Quote from: chosenone on Wed Jun 27, 2012 - 08:59:05
Bittersweet he has had many chances. I am all for her staying this last time, if he can now be faithful, and I said that before, but if he decides yet again that he will not stop sleeping around then she needs to think of herself and the children and make a new life for themlseves, hopefully next time with a godly man of morals.
I wouldnt put it down to immaturity, I would put it down to having no morals, being cruel, being disobedient and being a lousy husband and father. If this poor lady just turns the other cheek and allows him to carry on, then he will never stop. Why should he? He has a nice wife and children and he can sleep around and have sex with whoever he likes in the meantime, catching goodness knows what.

I don't know how much of it I could put up with myself. I personally would rather not know if my husband was doing this but she wants it to work and we should support her decision because it isn't an easy one.

She already stated that getting a divorce isn't an easy process in her country, that's bound to take a toll on her to.

She has said that she will only give it any other try IF he stops doing it. The thought of my husband doing that and me not knowing, is appalling to me. I would far rather know what was happening.

fassopony · Wed Jun 27, 2012 - 09:55:52

Chosenone, you need to make very clear to this new member, child.of.god., who is looking for help, support and guidance that what you are saying is merely your opinion and nothing more. You can not make decisions for her and quite honestly you sound like an old school marm barking orders at a teenager. Please take that in the kindest context possible.

Child.of.god, you are NOT a fool. Maybe a little too patient and tolerant but that is between you and God and your husband. I encourage you to speak with your pastor, or his wife, or some of the ladies at your church. You said you are Asian, are you Korean? The reason I ask is the Korean Christian churches have a huge population and offer aid and advice or help to anyone. This may be an option for you.

I am praying for you. I hope this situation gets resolved in the best and most Godly manner for you. Keep your chin up and trust God.

chosenone · Wed Jun 27, 2012 - 10:13:01

I am sure she knows quite well that what we all say here is our opinions!Just as it is bitterweets opinion that she should just accept and put up with his sexual sins and do nothing about it.
I hate to see people treated so badly, and taken for mugs, as she is being. Its very sad.

The sad fact is that if a man cheats repeatedly when you are dating and engaged, then he will carry on doing it after you are married. Thats the sort of man he is.

To the OP, I wish that someone that you knew, maybe a friend or member of your family, had advised you not to marry this man before it was too late.You are now stuck in this horrible situation with 2 small children to think of.

fassopony · Wed Jun 27, 2012 - 10:26:39

If you have an argument, or wish to continue arguing, or wish to try and vindicate your position, maybe you could just PM Bittersweet or anyone else. You are coming across in an "I am right and everyone else is wrong, do what I say or you will have a failure of a marriage" manner, Chosenone. Stop that!

As an aside, God can do anything. While changing a cheater is not something YOU could do, or maybe SHE could do, it is certainly something GOD could do. Miracles don't happen most of the time but they do happen.

chosenone · Wed Jun 27, 2012 - 10:35:41

No wish to have an argument thanks, I didnt start it. My opinions are just as valid as yours or anyone elses are. Bittersweet and I get on pretty well now, and we can disagree in a challenging yet amicable way.
The lady can take what advise she feels is best and most helpful for her. She is more than capable of doing that I am sure.

Fassopony, I just wonder if you would think it was acceptable for your future husband to cheat with many different women? I am betting that you wouldnt put up with it for a second.

fassopony · Wed Jun 27, 2012 - 10:44:47

This thread is for the OP, not you or me. Please stop trying to deflect in order to justify your behavior.

My only reason to post in this thread was to encourage the OP and to hopefully get you to understand how bossy, naggy and downright demanding you sound. I would hope if I acted like a donkey on a thread someone would point that out where I would hopefully apologize ;) As I am not interested in waylaying this woman's thread any longer, I'm out. I would certainly hope though that one might read the Bible people who are always concerned about "being right" and "self vindication".

MeMyself · Wed Jun 27, 2012 - 11:09:31

Quote from: fassopony on Wed Jun 27, 2012 - 10:44:47
This thread is for the OP, not you or me. Please stop trying to deflect in order to justify your behavior.

My only reason to post in this thread was to encourage the OP and to hopefully get you to understand how bossy, naggy and downright demanding you sound.

And, perhaps you could have done so through PM which is what you encouraged Chosenone to do if SHE had issue with something other than the OP.

Lively Stone · Wed Jun 27, 2012 - 11:10:43

chosenone consistently offers the most spiritually sound and wise advice of anyone at this site. Her opinions are sage, and based on God's word, and her own experience, which is valuable.

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