How to choose what may be "right" versus what may be biblical

[NowFound]

Hi guys, need some male input on my marriage situation.

Background - Married 18 years, horribly unfaithful during the first 16 years...starting at 3 months in.
Discovered by my wife, confessed to a small portion - which was a flat out lie.  She didn't leave me initially, and I got us into counseling. 
In our first session, the counselor asked us to share our acceptance of Christ.  I knew my wife's story, I told mine but it really was lame.  I was asked to expand on it and realized that I never had done it.  I knew of God, but I never really submitted to his lordship.  We prayed right there and my christian growth began.
It took awhile though.  I continued to lie about the full extent, with info being pulled out like splinters, one at a time.  Finally I gave up everything, asked my wife for forgiveness and started living for God instead of for myself.

The problem is that with my history, everything and anything can be an indicator that I'm lying.  I take full responsibility for this.  I lied and lied and lied.  Nothing I do now can change that.  That's the basic problem...now for the issue.

When my wife gets suspicious of me, or that something isn't right, it frequently ends up at a restatement of that problem.  She can't trust me, doesn't want to be with me, doubts that I love her, thinks I am acting like I serve God and a mix of accusations and recollection of specifics of my affairs are brought up. 

Because I do love her, the pain she feels cuts me deep, even moreso because I caused every single bit of it.

In the beginning, my reaction was to get upset at her and point out that by being abusive towards me verbally and pulling back her forgiveness she was sinning.  For awhile now I only feel condemned and remorseful and hurt for her. 

The question.  She has told me to go get a divorce, that I should have to initiate it since this was all my doing.  I feel I have no grounds to divorce her.  I won't fight it or make it harder for her, in fact, should it get that far I will go over and above to bear as much of it as I can.  What are your suggestions please?

I will say that about half the time in the past, she has apologized for her actions and the other half she has told me she wouldn't have acted like she did if I hadn't done what I did in the first place.

Thank you, brothers.

[WILDJC]

Hi guys, need some male input on my marriage situation.

Background - Married 18 years, horribly unfaithful during the first 16 years...starting at 3 months in.
Discovered by my wife, confessed to a small portion - which was a flat out lie.  She didn't leave me initially, and I got us into counseling. 
In our first session, the counselor asked us to share our acceptance of Christ.  I knew my wife's story, I told mine but it really was lame.  I was asked to expand on it and realized that I never had done it.  I knew of God, but I never really submitted to his lordship.  We prayed right there and my christian growth began.
It took awhile though.  I continued to lie about the full extent, with info being pulled out like splinters, one at a time.  Finally I gave up everything, asked my wife for forgiveness and started living for God instead of for myself.

The problem is that with my history, everything and anything can be an indicator that I'm lying.  I take full responsibility for this.  I lied and lied and lied.  Nothing I do now can change that.  That's the basic problem...now for the issue.

When my wife gets suspicious of me, or that something isn't right, it frequently ends up at a restatement of that problem.  She can't trust me, doesn't want to be with me, doubts that I love her, thinks I am acting like I serve God and a mix of accusations and recollection of specifics of my affairs are brought up. 

Because I do love her, the pain she feels cuts me deep, even moreso because I caused every single bit of it.

In the beginning, my reaction was to get upset at her and point out that by being abusive towards me verbally and pulling back her forgiveness she was sinning.  For awhile now I only feel condemned and remorseful and hurt for her. 

The question.  She has told me to go get a divorce, that I should have to initiate it since this was all my doing.  I feel I have no grounds to divorce her.  I won't fight it or make it harder for her, in fact, should it get that far I will go over and above to bear as much of it as I can.  What are your suggestions please?

I will say that about half the time in the past, she has apologized for her actions and the other half she has told me she wouldn't have acted like she did if I hadn't done what I did in the first place.

Thank you, brothers.

Hello Brother.

Do you and your wife worship together? Not just the counseling, but church? If not I would highly suggest it. Also, if we are to obey God's commandments - love one another - your nearest neighbor is your wife. Love her with all your heart as you love the Lord. You do love the Lord, yes?

She is hurt, and quite frankly, rightfully so. Perhaps she will not be able to forgive you? Could you still live with her and remain faithful? I would not initiate divorce. But brother, you had better treat your wife as a Queen. She deserves it and it is your duty as a husband. Allow her to vent on you - that is the least you can do.

Pray for her and pray for yourself. All things are possible through Christ. I hope you are sincere and honest in all things. May the Lord show you the way.

John

[NowFound]

John,
Thanks for your response.

We do worship together - in daily prayer as well as in weekly services.
Part of the problem was we went to church together even while I was in the midst of being about everything that God directed me not to be.  I was so incredibly passive/agressive and manipulative in a very sneaky way that it's hard for me to believe.  So me treating her as a queen - or trying to love her as Christ loves the church - can seem hollow.  (I'm treating her well now, after I've treated her so bad for so long)

I am in a daily walk with God and aware of how I did allow and even embrace sin in my life before being saved.  Faithfullness starts in the mind, I realize that continuing to allow lustful thoughts would not make any physical faithfulness mean anything.  So that's where I base my surrender to God's will.

I've prayed and understand that if she could put up with how bad I was, surely I can weather her bouts of anger and do it in a humble way instead of lashing back out at her.
Part of my fear - for her - is that her venting is so damaging to her spirit.  Without going into details, it is really, really bad.  And how long can she keep it up without it totally eroding her trust in God.  I have no doubt she would be better off without me. The anger would still be there but she would be more likely to go to God with it rather than handling it herself.

Currently we had an awful night Friday, and the sun rose Saturday on a brand new day and we are still committed to trying to see where God leads us.

Thanks again for the wisdom.

[IStillHaventFound...]

One thing that you have going for you is your honesty and ownership of the problem. I have a somewhat similar past and if you are anything like me you probably have trouble accepting the compliment I just gave you. As far as actual advice I have little. Try to save it. Try to do what is right. Continue to be the punching bag to the extent you believe it helps. If I understood the timeline you are two years into the healing process. That really isn't that long. Maybe, hopefully, things will get better. Hang in there.

[epiphanius]

The question.  She has told me to go get a divorce, that I should have to initiate it since this was all my doing.  I feel I have no grounds to divorce her.  I won't fight it or make it harder for her, in fact, should it get that far I will go over and above to bear as much of it as I can.  What are your suggestions please?

NF,

It certainly seems strange that she should want *you* to initiate the divorce, since you are not the one who wants it.  I suggest telling her what you said here, namely that you won't fight it or make it harder for her, that you will go over and above to bear as much as you can, but you will *not* initiate a divorce because you have no reason to do so.

Also, pray that God will save your marriage in His mercy.  Ask that he will show you ways for you to help your wife to heal.

May God bless both of you.

[TonkaTim]

My advice would be quit talking about divorce.

Keep going down the path you're on growing in Christ & becoming the new man in Christ.

I fully believe in time the wounds will heal & she will fall in love with the "new man in Christ".

No need to abandon your wife now because with patience, faith, & time God will give her the husband she deserves and it will be you.

God Bless.

[NowFound]

Our recent interactions have been really very good but it's hard to tell if she is watching God's continual transformation in me, or if she's making a very concious decision to "put on love" per Colossians 3:14.  I don't blame her.  A way to protect herself and our kids from me faking a Christ centered life is to be divorced.  And as vile a person as I've been, it would be a safe decision.

As hurtful as it is to admit, I never wanted a divorce beforehand because I had pretty much everything going my way.  So for me to say I don't want a divorce now isn't really displaying any type of change - but it's for a Godly reason now.  I never bring up divorce and she only does when she is hurting and in my clumsy way I somehow fan the flames of that pain.  I have explained that outside of not initiating any legal action, I'll follow her lead if she ever decides to proceed down that path.  Reluctantly, and with continual prayers and obedience to God, but I would do whatever she asked.  It hasn't reached that point and as I said, things seem to be brighter and we are walking in faith.

Thanks, guys.  I really do appreciate the encouragement.  God bless you, too, for building me up so I can seek and fulfill God's purposes.

[Ray in Florida]

Brother ... I hear your pain ... and yet, I must encourage you to stand against any thoughts of divorce ...

My DW and I went through a season in our marriage, not long ago, where she wanted to leave ... wanted a separation ... had had enough ... for years, I had not been a Godly Man ... in our home, in our marriage ... I was weak and intimidated ... afraid of doing what for years had seemed "uncool" ... and it nearly cost me ...

Your repentance appears to be heart-felt ... which is a big first step ...but there is more to do ... you must become "SELF"-less ... in your daily walk and in your marriage ... and you must accept that only GOD ... alone ... can restore that which has been lost ... can your DW ever come to trust you again? That is for her and GOD to work through ... but realize that there can be no turning back for you ... you must be all in ... all the time ... or it's a waste of time ...

Remember ... when you married, you not only exchanged vows with one another ... you each made a covenant ... with GOD ... a covenant that HE expects each of you to honor ... HE knows where each of you are weak ... and where each of you will be tested ... and you will be tested ... but HE also knows what HE created ... and that there is within each of you the essence of HIS spirit ... when you feel weakest ... HIS spirit is strongest ...

If both of you can commit to the work that is needed ... then there is nothing that, with HIS presence in your marriage, the two of you can't overcome ...

So, with that in mind ...

1) If you haven't already, make a mutual promise to invite CHRIST into your home and your marriage ... and commit to living each day for each other ... through HIM ...
Ephesians 5:21 - 21 "mutual submission, out of reverence for the Lord" ...

2) Please remember ... the two of you together are a team ... both working for a common goal ... a Christ-centered marriage, built on a covenant with HIM ...
Hosea 2:19 (NIV)

19 "I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you with righteousness and justice, with love and compassion.

3) further, allow HIM to remake you ... into the man that HE needs you to be ... the man your DW needs you to be ... a man she can TRUST and have FAITH in ... right now, while she is still with you, her ability to TRUST you ... her desire to TRUST you ... is in shattered in a thousand little pieces ... and yet ... she is there ... so there must be a flicker of hope in her that you can be redeemed ... and she apparently TRUSTS GOD !!!

Romans 15:13 (ESV)

13 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope."

Be patient ... stay strong ... and do not allow Satan to tempt you ... and he will tempt you ... but lean heavily upon the LORD ... both of you ... it may be years before your DW trusts you again ... it may less ... but that is out of your hands ... GOD must rebuild you, so that through your struggles and ultimate triumph, your DW can see the emerging man that GOD has made in you ... the man HE knows she needs you to be ...

Romans 12:2(AB)

2 "Do not be conformed to this world (this age), [fashioned after and adapted to its external, superficial customs], but be transformed (changed) by the [entire] renewal of your mind [by its new ideals and its new attitude], so that you may prove [for yourselves] what is the good and acceptable and perfect will of God, even the thing which is good and acceptable and perfect [in His sight for you]."

May You be Blessed Each Day ... in HIM is your strength ...

[NowFound]

Rest assured that divorce is nowhere in my personal list of options but I do have to recognize it is in hers.  I don't have, nor do I want, control over her choices.  I simply want to follow the path God has for me without reservation.

I will use these verses as a basis for my continual immersion in the word.

Thank you, Ray.

[Aahil]

When my wife gets suspicious of me, or that something isn't right, it frequently ends up at a restatement of that problem.

She shouldn't trust you.  You lied to her for many years.   How long is your contrition going to last before you relapse?  A man without honor is nothing.

If you are sincere, you shouldn't put her in any position where she needs to trust you.  Come straight home after work.  Get a cell phone that will allow her to track you by GPS at all times.  Give her full access to your cell phone and email/social media.  Invite your friends to your house, or take your wife with you when you're out with friends.  If you don't do these things and more, you haven't repented.  You're just waiting for this domestic storm to blow over so you can return to your old ways. 

[NowFound]

Understood.  Agreed.

Everything you've stated has already been done and done to a much greater extent than you describe.  (By the way, GPS is an easy statement to throw out, but the fact is that most of the reporting or monitoring have flaws.  They can easily show the phone being 1/2 mile or more away from the real location.  Plus it doesn't stop someone from leaving a phone somewhere, giving the incorrect belief that it tracks the person. It only tracks the phone, and not always very well.)

My question wasn't about how to encourage her to trust me.  I realize that's beyond something I could ever do.  The question was about God's direction regarding divorce and whether I should do initiate it based on a request from her.

Nonetheless, thanks for your feedback, Aahil.