God's will for this relationship

[amyjaime]

Hi everyone I'm a newbie round here you all seem like wise people so I thought I could pick your brains a bit on this matter, I'd appreciate both male and female perspectives on this one, as I know we can think differently about these things.Anyway here goes I have only recently,like only 2 days ago broke up with my boyfriend of almost a year and whilst I was sure it was the right thing to do,I am now feeling quite confused and a lot more upset than I thought I would be.The basic reasons I broke up with him is not because he was a bad person in fact I care about him deeply but saw us more as best friends(something I'm terrified of losing now).He has been a great person to have in my life mostly he helped me regain my confidence that had been shattered during my life and helped be reconnect with god in a big way and I have many happy memories of him, and used to be able to talk with him about anything even things I couldn't with my family, I had never connected with someone like this before with such ease and to the outside world we seem like the perfect couple.However, he had qualities that I wasn't looking for in a romantic relationship,things like immaturity for example. I also have never been really physically attracted to him from the beginning, however I tried to over look this but it was really hard for me to get past,my family(who are christian) also picked up on some of his not so positive traits and behaviors and whilst they never disliked him as a person,they always thought I could do better and could see I was having doubts and pushed me to end it. I began to see the cracks in my feelings in our relationships as we moved past the new couple stage and felt more and more that we more suited as friends, I also felt like it was keeping me back from things god needed me to do like my teaching degree I am doing and absolutely love and thought it was unfair to keep stringing him along when he had such deep feelings which I couldn't meet or return.We became more and more distant and I ended it the other day in the nicest way I could saying that god was telling I needed to work on myself and what he had planned for me and that he was pulling us in different directions,I had prayed to god that if I was to stay in the relationship that he would take these feelings away,but they didn't,I also prayed and read by bible right before I did it and he lead me to john 4:15 and the story of the women at the well, just under this verse jesus asks her to go get her husband to which he replies the, man you have now is not your husband in fact you have six husbands.Even though this wasn't the exact verse god had lead me to and although I don't have six husbands obviously lo l,I took it as a sign that god was showing me he wasn't meant to be my husband. He took the break up fairly well and we are going to stay friends,however though I was sure the break up was what I wanted ever since then I have been super emotional, cried a lot(we go to the same church and I saw him there last night, we talked and it was so awkward and sad,I spent the whole service trying not to sob my eyes out) and have felt really confused. My heart and head really haven't seemed to be on the same page, I am also very confused as I feel I have had very mixed feelings I feel god is trying to lead me towards depending on him more and his mission for my life and this seemed to be proved by the scripture that stated this man is not your husband.However, some time ago after a church service(when we were together) a lady came up to me and said god was telling her to talk to me (ie he was speaking through her) she said some very personal things that there was no way she could have know by herself and went on to say that I was going to lead a lot of people to church.She then looked at my boyfriend asked who he was and I told her and she said that we were going to lead people to church together as husband and wife. My question basically is how do you think I could find god's will(which is ultimately what I want) for this relationship, I am unsure what to do, wondering if the feelings I'm experiencing now will fade(this is my first break up and we are both 21) and if this is only just my emotions controlling me(I feel like my best friend is going to be ripped away from and he is a great source of security for me and I miss the closeness we had,I wonder perhaps if I was being to picky and expecting to much, not being fair by expecting him to be perfect,especially in the physical attraction sense,ladies and guys do you think this is something you can ever get over if you really care about someone?). And how to determine what god word is the right one, as I know sometimes the devil will use false prophets sometimes to confuse you as well as fickle emotions.Is this something that I need to really pray about, any suggestions would really help feeling super sad now down to the point of feeling physical sick in the stomach.

[chosenone]

Hi Amy and welcome here.

I wouldn't take too much notice of what that lady said. I have had people give me 'words' in the past, that just weren't from God. If they are, they usually confirm what you yourself feel God is saying.
IT sounds to me as if you are grieving for a close friend, and what you had, but not because he was the one for you. That isn't surprising is it after a year. Its hard to be with anyone who you feel no physical attraction to, I mean, to put it bluntly, could you see yourself having sex with him? Seeing him every day of your life? Kissing and cuddling?
I think you have done the right thing, going by what you yourself felt about it all.

Just as an aside, don't expect a 21 year old guy to be mature, because they aren't.

[Willie T]

I would look very intently at the fact that you are feeling confusion.

Simply put, God does not do that.  It could be YOU in the mix, or another influence, but it is not strictly just God if there is a veil of confusion.

[DaveW]

Amy - hi and welcome!

Just a couple of comments:

As Chosen said - you are in mourning for this relationship.  Any close relationship (even ones that seem to fizzle) form emotional attachments.  That is how God designed us.  The closer the relationship, the more intense the pain is of seperation. So if you really do not see yourself marrying this guy, better to break it off now than later which will only cause even more pain.

As to the woman who had this word for you.  Paul says in 1 Cor 13 that we see in part and prophecy in part.  IOW, we do not get the whole picture. What she said may be absolutely true, you and your husband (whoever he will be) leading people to the Lord and he and his wife (whoever she will be) doing the same. 

Or it may have been fluff. There are ways of judging prophecy.  On the face of it I would say this is one of those "wait and see" types that can only be judged true or false after at least one of the 2 of you gets married.


Anyway - keep your eyes on the Lord. Follow Him as best as you know to do. He will guide you to the right man.

[DaveW]

Its hard to be with anyone who you feel no physical attraction to, I mean, to put it bluntly, could you see yourself having sex with him? Seeing him every day of your life? Kissing and cuddling?
I think you have done the right thing, going by what you yourself felt about it all.

Not the story I was given at the congregation I attended in college.  They said if you had physical chemistry or desires for any of that stuff (sex kissing cuddling) you were experiencing sinful lust and needed to break off the relationship immediatly.

Glad I did not follow that directive.

[Stan53]

Hi Amy and welcome,

IMHO, to many people over think their relationships. God designed us to be with each other, I mean a man with a woman, Gen 2:24.
No one has a right to speak into your life unless they are invested in it, like a mom or grandma or mentor or best friend. Even then, they don't KNOW you. You know you and God knows you, so the two that know you best should talk it over.
If you don't feel 100% comfortable with this person, then walk away and start over. No guilt, no regret, as long as you were honest and open, you have nothing to feel bad about. Life is really short and it is not worth it spending years with the wrong person. If you can't commit then move on until you can. That's how God made us. Of course there are always exceptions, but for the most part you know what I mean...I hope?
God Bless

[Willie T]

That's a nice post.  Thank you for it.