Something I'm struggling with....

[Gracey]

Can I ask you all a question?  I'm just after a gut reaction here...

My story (for those who don't know) is that my other half struggled with same sex attractions.  During our relationship, I caught him twice, deeply involved in porn and online chat with a group of men, who incidentally, were also all Christians and who all struggled with the same thing.    My world exploded - I simply cannot begin to explain the pain I have experienced in the past few years.   Even today, I am fragile and will find myself suddenly weeping for the way things turned out.

You see, he and I went through a lovely cleansing process.  He got into Christian therapy and started to deal with some big issues from his past, including severe child abuse.  We started to see the counselor together and I was seeing this fantastic new man start to emerge, a man who could cry, who could express his feelings, a man who was falling back in love with me.     But, the enemy got in....I know this, because I saw it coming and I failed to do anything about it.   I was already tired and emotionally beaten up and so, when he made a new friend at church, his time started getting more and more taken up with this person.    To clarify, this wasn't a 'relationship' just an extremely needy person, one of those almost stalker-like people who bleed the life out of you and then move on!

We argued a lot about this person and I grew to really despise him - other half felt he was helping him but I felt otherwise.  Eventually, the tension got too much and OH walked away.  He said he needed time and space, so much had happened to him, he didn't think he loved me any more, he wasn't feeling attracted to me in the way he had - and that was it.  Once again, everything crumbled.

I think I have outwardly been pretty strong, just simply because God has been my absolute rock.  I have clung to him for dear life and that, with friends and a great family, has brought me to where I am now.    Almost a year later, OH has started contacting me again.  He was very candid and told me he'd made the worst mistake of his life, that he missed me a great deal.   He has also started to put his life right with God and I see evidence that God is slowly healing him.   But for me, that is not enough - I want to see deep, long-lasting character change in him, otherwise I know we would just be doomed to repeat the failures of the past.

We haven't talked of reconciliation, my wounded brain can't even think of such a thing, but my heart of course loves him and I do believe that with God, full restoration is possible.  My family is not so sure....and this is where I am struggling.    If I were to give advice to a friend in the same situation, I would probably say, 'People don't really change...he did it once, he could do it again'.    And yet my faith, tells me that God changes people all the time. He takes drug addicts and pimps and he makes them into beautiful children, so why not in my situation?    My family is concerned of course, that I would be hurt all over again.

The still small voice in my heart firmly believes that He brought us together, that there is a journey of healing taking place - but at the same time, the earthly people in my life, simply say, 'give up, move on and find a man who can treat you right'.   I point out that God CAN make him that man.  They say, 'too much water under the bridge, time to start over with someone new'.

I don't want to live my life with regrets.   It's a real tough struggle this one and I have prayed about it a great deal - there is something in me that doesn't want to let go.    I am trying to work out if that is just my emotions, or if God is really speaking to me. 

[chosenone]

Gracey may I ask if you are still married?Its just that you call him your other half or partner and not your husband.
I am writing this assuming that you are, but if you arent, then that does change things as you are no longer husband and wife and the marriage is over. You are not bound to him in anyway and free to move on.


While I can totally understand why your family are worried(I would be too if you were my child)I do think that you need to go with what YOU feel deep down inside.
Having said that, I would suggest that you dont even think about living together again until you see real and permanent changes in him, and you may need another year or so until this happens. I think this will be a very long term process, and only you know if you can deal with that.
I do think that he needs to be in a very heavily accountable position with 2 or 3 people at your church, who he can meet with regularly. I also think that you need to think carefully about what conditions that you want to set for this while process. For example, him getting too close to that guy was just the same as if he had got too close to another lady, because of his same sex attraction, so that is a no no. You may want to have a years counselling with him before you begin any reconciliation process for example.There may be other conditions that you want to have.

Childhood sex abuse in boys can cause same sex attraction, we know someone this happened to, but if he is willing to get all the help that he can, and shouls include prayer ministry, then there is always hope.

The decison needs to be yours, and not those who care about you, even though they are only wanting to prevent further hurt to you of course.   

[Gracey]

Agreed, there would absolutely be no going back, unless there was a massive and lasting change, otherwise I know I would just be in this position all over again, in the not-too-distant future.  He has never talked of reconcilliation I should add.  It is just that he has started contacting me again and I am usually of the view that men don't do things like that, unless there's a reason.

I am keeping it in prayer - it is hard to move on with your life, when you love someone a great deal and really wish for God to move dramatically in their life.   

p.s No, sorry, we are not married now.

[chosenone]

Agreed, there would absolutely be no going back, unless there was a massive and lasting change, otherwise I know I would just be in this position all over again, in the not-too-distant future.  He has never talked of reconcilliation I should add.  It is just that he has started contacting me again and I am usually of the view that men don't do things like that, unless there's a reason.

I am keeping it in prayer - it is hard to move on with your life, when you love someone a great deal and really wish for God to move dramatically in their life.   

p.s No, sorry, we are not married now.

I do understand Gracey, its very hard to move on if you still love that person. Take it a day at a time and carry on asking God for clear direction. Only God knows the future and whether these changes will last. Do you know what he has been doing during this past year?

[Gracey]

Well, I know he has been mostly quite miserable (from what friends tell me!) but on a positive note, he's been throwing himself into church and he is still seeing his Christian therapist.   At the time of us breaking up for good, I felt devastated but also knew in my heart, it was the right thing to do, as we were tearing each other apart.  There was too much suspicion and mistrust and when it came time to make it final,  I had such a heavy heart.   I had to ask God so much about His promises...and all the hopes and dreams he had for us.  What happened to all of that?  Where did it go so badly wrong? 

I believe he knows it was a mistake long term, but that short term, we didn't see any other way.   I am allowing myself the possibility of another future, with someone else, but on the whole, my heart just feels very attached to his. 

[chosenone]

Well, I know he has been mostly quite miserable (from what friends tell me!) but on a positive note, he's been throwing himself into church and he is still seeing his Christian therapist.   At the time of us breaking up for good, I felt devastated but also knew in my heart, it was the right thing to do, as we were tearing each other apart.  There was too much suspicion and mistrust and when it came time to make it final,  I had such a heavy heart.   I had to ask God so much about His promises...and all the hopes and dreams he had for us.  What happened to all of that?  Where did it go so badly wrong? 

I believe he knows it was a mistake long term, but that short term, we didn't see any other way.   I am allowing myself the possibility of another future, with someone else, but on the whole, my heart just feels very attached to his. 

Could he be wanting to get back because he is miserable? Men dont take well to being alone.
Even if you do decide to move on, it will take time to be able to do that. Feelings dont just disappear just because a marriage is over. I suppose that at some point you will need to make that decison for good, and if you do move on its better to cut off all contact with him.

[MeMyself]

  I am so sorry. This has to have been horrible to walk through and confusing as well.