Troubled Marriage-Need help and Prayer

[tryinghard]

Hello,
I posted in the past and it would take too long to fill you all in, but I need some current advice. I am in a troubled marriage. My husband says he is a Christian, but does not seem very committed.
As of late, he is giving me A choice; get a therapist or he will leave (he has said this in the past). I always tell him I want him to leave me, because I won't seek a divorce myself, but I can't take his verbal, emotional, and sometimes physical abuse.

No, I am not claiming that the issues in the marriage are only him, but I have worked on a lot of problems from my past with prayer, counsel from a pastor and older christian women (I am in my 20's) and see God's blessing in my life in those areas.

He has forced me to go in the past, and after every time (he wants me to go to secular counselors) he asks me what they say (they all say to get out to the relationship because that seems to be stressful and unhealthy) and he screams at me and says I could not have told them the whole story. I gave them a one sided view etc. One told me to make a safety plan for myself- If i am in danger- and then try couples counseling after he is treated for a while for depression/ADD.

He has recently (after never having been to a secular counselor himself) gone to a therapist, who has diagnosed him with ADD and depression as a result of ADD. They are putting him on medication. For now it has not seemed to help, but I think any bit of him trying to fix depression- which he admitted he has had since middle school, would help him.

I know that I should not encourage him in a divorce, but I do not want to be in this relationship anymore. I know that is sinful, but I can't live like this anymore.  I do not need a divorce, to live alone and be in peace from his abusive ways. I am ok with a permanent separation. He blames all abuse on me. He says I bring it on myself. He says that If I wasn't so crazy that he wouldn't have to curse, or scream at me. He also does not admit hitting me, other than in self defense, even to me privately if I try to talk to him about what happened (though this last time I called my father b/c we don't know anyone else around here bc we moved and b/c in this state they arrest men who have abused and prosecute- and he did admit it- or did not deny it) . He says most of the time that I came at him and he has to protect himself. Which is not true. I do not hit him, but he changed the story around in his head.

Any way. This is not safe to me, but my pastor from before I moved doesn't care about the verbal/emotional abuse- only the physical. And our new pastor does not even know us and my husband won't talk to him. I have been visiting another church, and I have been getting to know that pastor and he thinks completely differently. If he hits me I should leave and get a divorce.

I am so confused. I think that I need to separate for safety -mostly mentally and if God will work a great thing- then be reconciled. But I do not want it to be like previously- when he moved out for a year, but would come home on the weekends to play house.

[chosenone]

If you are being physically emotionally and verbally abused, then why are you still there? How often does he hit you?
Abusers will usually blame the other person.Until he can take responsibility for his OWN actions I am not sure what hope there is.
Your new pastor sounds good so why not see him some more and ask for his support?
It does sounds as if you let your husband do what he wants. I mean if he left you for a year, why were you allowing him to come back at weekends? Why did you have him back permanently?
From what you say, you need to seperate, especially if there are children who are having to live with this awful behaviour.If/when he gets all the help he needs and changes, then maybe you can have some long term marriage counselling and see what happens, but until then, live apart is my advise.

[HannahT]

Abuse is soul crushing.  Ask anyone - man or woman - that has been in that position.

Unless he is willing to step up and take responsibility for himself and his own actions?  You getting a therapist - Christian or not - will not make a hill of beans difference. 

Quite frankly, you need to allow the law to arrest him.  Sounds like he needs a wake up call.  Staying with him, and allowing him his excuses only enables him to continue.  There is no incentive to be any different.  Abusive personalities tend to start to see the light when the 'pain' is mostly on them.  Although I will admit most live the denial life instead, and feel the whole world is against them.  That's their choice.

The pain they cause others is an after thought to them, but the pain they receive is the upmost importance.  When they get to live their consquences their entitlement mindset tells them to either: dig in their heels, whine with an attitude as if their pain is the only one that counts, or realize this wake up call can be a gift to healing.  Heck it could be a combination of these - or some else all together as well.

You need to learn to value yourself enough to realize a separation is in order.  There will be no 'playing house' on the weekends.  He can't be allowed this if he can't do some personal work to better himself FIRST and FOREMOST.  Yes, he will have a fit over that part.  It's his choice to live the way he does, and blame everyone and everything for his own actions.  He will try his hardness to make you feel bad about it, and if that doesn't work?  Chances are he will rage over it.  That isn't your fault.  It just shows the 'change' he may claim happened - well DIDN'T!  There has to be some boundaries. 

Chances are you may need to work on some co-dependency issues yourself.  That isn't because you are crazy and make people abuse you.  Individuals are able to walk away from things that are getting out of control, and its his choice not to do this.  Its also your choice to stay, and make excuses of your own.  Excuses are common on both sides - don't get me wrong its not a cut down.  It's just fact.  Excuses it seems is a mode of self protection when you are overwhelmed by the relationship.  His excuses are self protection as well, but have a flavor of entitlement overall.  Its sad really.  He doesn't have it within him yet to do life any other way at this point.

I agree with the safety plan.  You may need it.  Better safe than sorry. 

If you separate at first you will need to go no contact.  Chances are he will be going nuts, and contact will only make things worse.  No contact will be one of the hardest things you do.  Find some friends to call when you feel the need to speak with him, or he is bugging you to speak with him.  Don't contact him back.  I know that sounds awful, but there has to be a cooling off period.  Its hard for both parties.  This no contact time may go on for some time.  You need an individual counsel on that.

You also need to check into the possibility that you must take out an order of protection.  You must be brave enough to call the police when he breaches it as well.  That will be hard for you, but you can't help either of you if you can't do this.  Its okay to have boundaries during this period of time, and you need to learn to enforce them for your self protection. 

He needs to learn that you will enforce this.  Something no doubt both of you are NOT familiar with on a regular basis now.  Sadly, that is part of the dynamic of most abusive relationships.  Its not an easy part to break either.  Boundary busting is common, and it needs to stop in order for both of you to get healthy.

It will be a long road.  It took a long time to get to this point, and it will NOT be a short journey back either.

Don't be so frighten of secular resources.  Some are better than others.  Some individuals are better than others.  Its no different with Christian resouces - they also have good and bad.  Secular people are able to respect your faith, and your struggle with this. 

Many secular organizations WORK with Christian organizations just for people like yourself.  So don't be afraid to call the national domestic violence hotline in your area.  Sometimes you just need someone to talk you down, and they realize you must make your own choices in this life.  It does no good to push people to do what they want.  Don't buy into the stereotypes, because people are custom.  All of us.

Emotional and Verbal abuse are damaging.  The bible has many verses on words, attitudes and treatment of others.  It does go much further than physical.  People acknowledging the true damage it causes?  I would say most have problem with it.  Don't depend on those people, and find others that understand.

Please remember you are a child of God.  His wish for you is not to learn to endure abuse.  That is a crime in our world, and sin within his word.  Please ask him to help you find yourself, and learn to value yourself in a way he would wish you too.

Please be good to yourself.  You will be in my prayers.

[anx]

One told me to make a safety plan for myself- If i am in danger- and then try couples counseling after he is treated for a while for depression/ADD. He has recently (after never having been to a secular counselor himself) gone to a therapist, who has diagnosed him with ADD and depression as a result of ADD. They are putting him on medication. For now it has not seemed to help, but I think any bit of him trying to fix depression- which he admitted he has had since middle school, would help him.

I think this is the best route if possible. He isn't in a place where a marriage is really possible. Once he has some control over his depression/add, he will be able to learn how to be a husband. Medication and depression counseling can take time to start really working.


It is not hopeless, and your marriage could turn around and be happy. It would be a long road to get there.