Attraction to my wife

[jbear0000]

Obviously I have come to the wrong place for help so I have deleted all of my posts. Either I am not explaining myself very well or the people here just don't understand what I am trying to say. I am not looking for someone to simply agree with me, I am looking for help and prayer. No one here even mentioned prayer, but gave a lot of bad advice and attacked me. So I will see if I can find a better forum elsewhere.

Moderators, please delete or lock this thread, please delete my username.

[MeMyself]

hmmm...this is a tough one.  Did she dress like this when you were dating?

My dh does things (or does NOT do things) that bother me about his appearance, but I just voice my concern, let it go and focus on what I do find attractive about him.

[new creature]

Maybe you could do something counterintuitive, like, taking a hair cut she totally hates, and growing a moustache, and wear clothes she finds appalling. just to make her think ;)

[hammer123]

My wife and I have been married for 13 years. I love her very much, but I am having a serious problem being attracted to her. I feel very selfish for feeling this way because as her husband I should accept her the way she is and not try to change her. Also, I know that too much focus on physical appearance is vanity and is wrong. What I want is a balance between vanity and laziness.

I am not trying to complain about her with what I am about to say, but I am just trying to describe the problem. This has nothing to do with her body, but it has to do with her choice in clothing, hair style, glasses, makeup, jewelry, etc. She has never put much effort into trying to look nice and that is what bothers me most. She doesn't wear dresses, even though I have bought some for her that she says that she likes. She buys blouses that I don't like. She wears pants that remind me of the pants my father-in-law wears. She wears shoes that I don't like. She does nothing special with her hair, it just hangs there and looks boring. She wears some makeup, but it doesn't seem to do much. She doesn't wear lipstick or paint her fingernails. She chews on her fingernails so that they are short and choppy looking. She doesn't wear any jewelry even though she does own some. On Saturdays, the day we are together the most, the day she could try to look nice for me, she wears her jogging outfit all day with a Nike hat on backwards. Everything about how she dresses is not at all feminine, but very manly.

What bothers me most isn't that she tries and fails to look nice, but that she doesn't try at all. She knows what I am attracted too, but she doesn't seem to care. For example, recently she was getting new glasses. She usually wears contacts, but wanted glasses to wear in the evening. I was there while she was choosing her new frames. I gave my opinion on which frames I thought looked nice, but my opinion didn't matter, instead she took the opinion of one of the employees at the store on what looked nice. She has been wearing the glasses most of the time now instead of her contacts and it bothers me to look at her while she is wearing them. Not because I don't like the glasses, but that they remind me of how my opinion on what looks nice on her doesn't matter at all.

I have tried talking to her about this many times in the past and I am always promised that something will change, but it never does. I don't expect her to look like a model or to always look nice and have the perfect outfit, but it would be nice if she at least tried.

So what should I do? Every time I talk to her about this I feel selfish and that I don't accept her how she is. I am met with excuses as to why she is how she is and promises that the future will be different, but it doesn't change. I have prayed about this, that I would just be attracted to her how she is, but hasn't helped. It makes it really hard for me to control my eyes and thoughts when I go other places and see other women who put effort into their appearance.

Your wife is in disobedience. 

[hammer123]

My wife and I have been married for 13 years. I love her very much, but I am having a serious problem being attracted to her. I feel very selfish for feeling this way because as her husband I should accept her the way she is and not try to change her. Also, I know that too much focus on physical appearance is vanity and is wrong. What I want is a balance between vanity and laziness.

I am not trying to complain about her with what I am about to say, but I am just trying to describe the problem. This has nothing to do with her body, but it has to do with her choice in clothing, hair style, glasses, makeup, jewelry, etc. She has never put much effort into trying to look nice and that is what bothers me most. She doesn't wear dresses, even though I have bought some for her that she says that she likes. She buys blouses that I don't like. She wears pants that remind me of the pants my father-in-law wears. She wears shoes that I don't like. She does nothing special with her hair, it just hangs there and looks boring. She wears some makeup, but it doesn't seem to do much. She doesn't wear lipstick or paint her fingernails. She chews on her fingernails so that they are short and choppy looking. She doesn't wear any jewelry even though she does own some. On Saturdays, the day we are together the most, the day she could try to look nice for me, she wears her jogging outfit all day with a Nike hat on backwards. Everything about how she dresses is not at all feminine, but very manly.

What bothers me most isn't that she tries and fails to look nice, but that she doesn't try at all. She knows what I am attracted too, but she doesn't seem to care. For example, recently she was getting new glasses. She usually wears contacts, but wanted glasses to wear in the evening. I was there while she was choosing her new frames. I gave my opinion on which frames I thought looked nice, but my opinion didn't matter, instead she took the opinion of one of the employees at the store on what looked nice. She has been wearing the glasses most of the time now instead of her contacts and it bothers me to look at her while she is wearing them. Not because I don't like the glasses, but that they remind me of how my opinion on what looks nice on her doesn't matter at all.

I have tried talking to her about this many times in the past and I am always promised that something will change, but it never does. I don't expect her to look like a model or to always look nice and have the perfect outfit, but it would be nice if she at least tried.

So what should I do? Every time I talk to her about this I feel selfish and that I don't accept her how she is. I am met with excuses as to why she is how she is and promises that the future will be different, but it doesn't change. I have prayed about this, that I would just be attracted to her how she is, but hasn't helped. It makes it really hard for me to control my eyes and thoughts when I go other places and see other women who put effort into their appearance.

You need to be blunt with her.  Divorce isn't good, but God will forgive.

[chosenone]

My wife and I have been married for 13 years. I love her very much, but I am having a serious problem being attracted to her. I feel very selfish for feeling this way because as her husband I should accept her the way she is and not try to change her. Also, I know that too much focus on physical appearance is vanity and is wrong. What I want is a balance between vanity and laziness.

I am not trying to complain about her with what I am about to say, but I am just trying to describe the problem. This has nothing to do with her body, but it has to do with her choice in clothing, hair style, glasses, makeup, jewelry, etc. She has never put much effort into trying to look nice and that is what bothers me most. She doesn't wear dresses, even though I have bought some for her that she says that she likes. She buys blouses that I don't like. She wears pants that remind me of the pants my father-in-law wears. She wears shoes that I don't like. She does nothing special with her hair, it just hangs there and looks boring. She wears some makeup, but it doesn't seem to do much. She doesn't wear lipstick or paint her fingernails. She chews on her fingernails so that they are short and choppy looking. She doesn't wear any jewelry even though she does own some. On Saturdays, the day we are together the most, the day she could try to look nice for me, she wears her jogging outfit all day with a Nike hat on backwards. Everything about how she dresses is not at all feminine, but very manly.

What bothers me most isn't that she tries and fails to look nice, but that she doesn't try at all. She knows what I am attracted too, but she doesn't seem to care. For example, recently she was getting new glasses. She usually wears contacts, but wanted glasses to wear in the evening. I was there while she was choosing her new frames. I gave my opinion on which frames I thought looked nice, but my opinion didn't matter, instead she took the opinion of one of the employees at the store on what looked nice. She has been wearing the glasses most of the time now instead of her contacts and it bothers me to look at her while she is wearing them. Not because I don't like the glasses, but that they remind me of how my opinion on what looks nice on her doesn't matter at all.

I have tried talking to her about this many times in the past and I am always promised that something will change, but it never does. I don't expect her to look like a model or to always look nice and have the perfect outfit, but it would be nice if she at least tried.

So what should I do? Every time I talk to her about this I feel selfish and that I don't accept her how she is. I am met with excuses as to why she is how she is and promises that the future will be different, but it doesn't change. I have prayed about this, that I would just be attracted to her how she is, but hasn't helped. It makes it really hard for me to control my eyes and thoughts when I go other places and see other women who put effort into their appearance.

You need to be blunt with her.  Divorce isn't good, but God will forgive.

SO you think he should get a divorce just because his wife doesnt wear clothes that he wants her to???

[chosenone]

Well this is hard.
I don't wear make up at all, or nail varnish(don't see why we need to).I usually wear casual clothes, but my husband loves me the way I am and still finds me attractive. If she was deliberately doing the opposite of what you liked that is one thing, but maybe her tastes are just different from yours. I am not sure why women should have to wear make up or lots of jewellery or dresses all the time. I would suggest that you ask God to change the way that you see her(He really can do that if you are willing to let Him) and stop yourself from looking at other women and allowing yourself to be discontent with the wife that Gods gave you. The more that you compare her to other women, the more discontent that you will be AND she will know that is happening. I don't tell my husband what to wear and he doesn't tell me what to wear or how to do my hair or nails.

Maybe she works all week and wants to be comfortable at the weekends, and that is understandable. Maybe she thinks that she can be relaxed around you and not have to be someone who she isn't.

[MeMyself]

  Divorce isn't good, but God will forgive.

After your crack about a lack of mature insightful Christians on this site...

This bit of advice is quite interesting...

[HannahT]

I have to wonder if your wife has some different tastes in things compared to you.  I know for myself, and my family our tastes change with time.  lol then they change again!  You need to learn to roll with those changes.

You mentioned that she never put much effort into trying to look nice, and it bothers you.  I would assume your opinion of what looks nice has been going on for over 13 years.  It seems like a long time to hold on to something you seem to have known was there, and still allow it to upset you.  You are also allowing it to warp your way of looking at her.  Sometimes we must accept people they way they are.  If we can't?  You are indeed trying to change her.

You have a choice.  You can sit there and be miserable that she doesn't dress the way you want, wear makeup and jewelry that you like, do her hair the way you want, and have nails that appeal to you.  Your second choice is learning to accept this woman that you agreed to love and cherish just the way God made her.

Your eye glasses comments seem a bit over the top.  Eye glasses are for the person that has to wear them, and make that person feel good about it.  She may not have liked your choice, and taking it personally seems a bit childish.

You need to stop and think about the fact that her choices are not about a rejection of you, but of whom she is.  The rejection of your choices is not a personal attack towards you, and you seem to be taking it that way.  You need to ask yourself why that is.  Her personal tastes about her, and not a rejection of you.  Yes, you do seem to be speaking of personal vanity for your own personal tastes.  Yet reject her's completely. 

Looking at other women is one thing, but if you are lusting over them?  That's not her responsibility before God.  It's yours.  Your choice of outfits for her isn't justifiable.  It just isn't.  Its feeling sorry for yourself, and it needs to stop before you wreck your marriage.  You seem to have alot of excuses for what you know shouldn't be.  Why do you think you feel the way you do?  It's a sorry excuse.

You need to get your heart straight with God, and your life.  God places us in circumstances, and paths in life that we don't understand.  It doesn't mean he rejects us.  He wants us to grow with them, and you have to ask yourself if you are up to the challege!  I would bet you are. 

Maybe you could do something counterintuitive, like, taking a hair cut she totally hates, and growing a moustache, and wear clothes she finds appalling. just to make her think ;)

(giggles) that might work for teenagers, but we are speaking of adults here.

[jbear0000]

Message deleted, I will seek advise on a forum where people are more mature.

[+Lily+]

I have to wonder if your wife has some different tastes in things compared to you.  I know for myself, and my family our tastes change with time.  lol then they change again!  You need to learn to roll with those changes.

You mentioned that she never put much effort into trying to look nice, and it bothers you.  I would assume your opinion of what looks nice has been going on for over 13 years.  It seems like a long time to hold on to something you seem to have known was there, and still allow it to upset you.  You are also allowing it to warp your way of looking at her.  Sometimes we must accept people they way they are.  If we can't?  You are indeed trying to change her.

You have a choice.  You can sit there and be miserable that she doesn't dress the way you want, wear makeup and jewelry that you like, do her hair the way you want, and have nails that appeal to you.  Your second choice is learning to accept this woman that you agreed to love and cherish just the way God made her.

Your eye glasses comments seem a bit over the top.  Eye glasses are for the person that has to wear them, and make that person feel good about it.  She may not have liked your choice, and taking it personally seems a bit childish.

You need to stop and think about the fact that her choices are not about a rejection of you, but of whom she is.  The rejection of your choices is not a personal attack towards you, and you seem to be taking it that way.  You need to ask yourself why that is.  Her personal tastes about her, and not a rejection of you.  Yes, you do seem to be speaking of personal vanity for your own personal tastes.  Yet reject her's completely. 

Looking at other women is one thing, but if you are lusting over them?  That's not her responsibility before God.  It's yours.  Your choice of outfits for her isn't justifiable.  It just isn't.  Its feeling sorry for yourself, and it needs to stop before you wreck your marriage.  You seem to have alot of excuses for what you know shouldn't be.  Why do you think you feel the way you do?  It's a sorry excuse.

You need to get your heart straight with God, and your life.  God places us in circumstances, and paths in life that we don't understand.  It doesn't mean he rejects us.  He wants us to grow with them, and you have to ask yourself if you are up to the challege!  I would bet you are. 

Maybe you could do something counterintuitive, like, taking a hair cut she totally hates, and growing a moustache, and wear clothes she finds appalling. just to make her think ;)

(giggles) that might work for teenagers, but we are speaking of adults here.

I totally agree with Hannah. She did not attack you at all. I have no idea why you think that? so wierd.....

I also wear clothes and makeup that do not appeal to my husband at all. (red hair, black lolita skrit, black nails , black boots , eyebrow piercings)

Sometimes he thinks it is just too much makeup or just weird fashion.

I was told i wear things like a teenager and I just do not care because I love my style  :)

But he does not get upset about it because he understands my style and they way i wanna look. He respects that about me.

I think I look very fashionable. But, he thinks I have a weird fashion which is true about me. I usually try to mix things. Most of the time, I wear the things I know he likes on me because I do not want him to look at someone else. And, sometimes I just make individual choices when I want to look a little like a Gothic Lolita I always love it because it is just the way I'm. I can't wear only the things he wants all the times. He totally find things attractive on me and I look at myself and I believe i look silly a little , but sometimes I'm willing to do it for him anyway.

[jbear0000]

Message deleted, I will seek advise on a forum where people are more mature.

[fassopony]

Sounds like you just want someone to agree with you jbear and are not interested in hearing opinions that don't support your already made up mind.

I might add that your situation makes me think of a situation that occurred in my life almost 10 years ago.  I was dating a man for a few years (I was not saved, we were living together) and when things were going towards the break up he sounded almost exactly like you LOL!!  He would point out my friend Isobel who dresses opposite of me and exclaim over her "pretty fashion sense" LOL!!  I should add her husband used to sleep around on her, I guess he didn't find her as attractive as whatever he was sleeping with at the time.

I'm not hard on the eyes, at all.  I wear ball caps on the weekend (not backwards but if I needed to I would), I wear business clothes to work.  I never, ever wear dresses.  Men hit on me often.  It was the ex boyfriends lack of interest in me that caused him to want to be attracted to others, not my style of dress of fashion smarts.

You may want to consider that comparing your wife to other women is in disobedience to the commands of the Lord in your union of marriage.  You also may want to search your heart and perhaps talk with a wise, discerning male mentor, an older one who can help you sort out your issues.  I have a feeling this may vastly improve how you look upon your wife.

[chosenone]

I totally agree with Hannah. She did not attack you at all. I have no idea why you think that? so wierd.....

I also wear clothes and makeup that do not appeal to my husband at all. (red hair, black lolita skrit, black nails , black boots , eyebrow piercings)

Sometimes he thinks it is just too much makeup or just weird fashion.

I was told i wear things like a teenager and I just do not care because I love my style  :)

But he does not get upset about it because he understands my style and they way i wanna look. He respects that about me.

I think I look very fashionable. But, he thinks I have a weird fashion which is true about me. I usually try to mix things. Most of the time, I wear the things I know he likes on me because I do not want him to look at someone else. And, sometimes I just make individual choices when I want to look a little like a Gothic Lolita I always love it because it is just the way I'm. I can't wear only the things he wants all the times. He totally find things attractive on me and I look at myself and I believe i look silly a little , but sometimes I'm willing to do it for him anyway.

Your style sounds better than what my wife wears. She dresses very manly or just wears he jogging outfit. Like I said, her clothing reminds me of how my father-in-law dresses. I would love it if my wife dyed her hair red, painted her nails any color and wore boots.

It is nice that you do try to dress the way your husband likes some times. You do that because you love him and want him to be happy. You want to please him. The only time my wife ever wears anything I like is if she wants sex. It makes me feel used when that is the only time it happens. Also, I never said I expected her to dress the way I like all the time or even a 100% transformation. I'd just like her to try to make herself attractive to me. Even if that means just wearing jeans, casual boots and putting her hair in a ponytail. I am not really asking for anything out of the ordinary or difficult.

Anyway, women just don't understand this. I need to go talk to men about this issue. This was the wrong place to ask. If a moderator could lock this thread, that would be great.

I am sad that you feel you cant accept what women say, because usually women understand women and what makes them tick. I am sorry that your wife doesn't do things the way that you want. I suggest that you concentrate on what YOU do and pray for her and leave it to God. I also suggest, as I said already, that you ask God to change YOU, and the way that you see HER. I have known men for whom this has happened.

Speak out Bible verses such as these from Song of Songs "My desire is towards her" and "To me she is beautiful inside and out" and "my eyes feast on her" and "I watch her with absorbed admiration". Say those verses every day. Words from the Bible are powerful and active, far more than you being critical of her and wanting her to be like other women. Discontentment is deadly to a marriage and needs to be eliminated immediatly it tries to appear. If you feel this happening, say those verses again and fight it.  Dont allow those thoughts to stay in your mind, and stop staring at other women in that way.
Persist, and eventually you will see changes in both of you. It will take months or maybe even years, but far more effective than her knowing that you cant accept her as she is. Its soooo important for all of us to feel that we are loved and accepted AS WE ARE, and NOT as others want us to be.

Think about how you would feel if she was always thinking about other husbands who earned more than you, or who had a better job than you. Think about how you would feel if she was discontent because of that, and wished you were like those others guys who were richer and more powerful.
My husband was married for 23 years to a woman who was discontent. It is soul destroying and will ruin a marriage.

Thank God every day for her good qualities, instead of thinking about what you DONT like.

[+Lily+]

I have no idea why you're reacting this way. It seems you want to hear something different. I do not think that your wife should not try to make you happy, or wear the things you want to see on her. I'm just giving my opinion for why I dress this way, or the other way. I never try to be selfish. I always think about my husband before I wear anything. But, I do not wear only the things that my husband finds attractive on me because my husband really finds me attractive in anything and he never get upset about anything I wear because I dress differently every day, so it was not a big issue for us.

I believe your wife should dress the way you want because you're her husband after all. If she does that, do you encourage her? Do you tell her that she is beautiful? You also should respect her taste on those days when she does not dress the way you want, especially if it is about trivial things like picking a different frame for her glasses!

[MeMyself]

When we were dating we were in college at Word of Life Bible Institute. They had rules about what could and could not be worn. Most of the time she did look nice. She did chew her nails then, but was trying to stop and I hoped that one day she would. When I told her that the way she dressed was important to me, she never made any issue about making changes that would make me happy. When we first got married she did try to please me with her clothing, but that no longer happens.

And you've been specific about your preferences? She knows what exactly you like? Or (and I am speaking from experience here) have you just been general about it? 
Have you told her how much you appreciated her look when you were first married?  That you really miss her style back then?

OTOH, I am not as into prepping as I was as a younger wife.  My priorities are different now.  I don't wear high heals, because I decided to be honest, that they were (for me) horribly uncomfortable, I don't wear as much make up or spend as much time on making sure my hair is 100% perfect.  Becoming a mother changed all that for me..I couldn't be a Barbie doll and a good mom. My dh says he still finds me attractive and even questioned my need for those things when we were younger, though, so...

I think perhaps you might need to focus on what you do love and are attracted to her for?  Her tastes differ from yours, sure, but she doesn't sound like a complete mess to me...and on the upside, she isn't spending you into the poor house for a new wardrobe every other week. 

[chosenone]

  Divorce isn't good, but God will forgive.

After your crack about a lack of mature insightful Christians on this site...

This bit of advice is quite interesting...

......and appalling

[Willie T]

About all I can say is................................

..................................................grow up.

Sounds like you are building a case for some intended cheating.  And that is childish.

[chosenone]

Obviously I have come to the wrong place for help so I have deleted all of my posts. Either I am not explaining myself very well or the people here just don't understand what I am trying to say. I am not looking for someone to simply agree with me, I am looking for help and prayer. No one here even mentioned prayer, but gave a lot of bad advice and attacked me. So I will see if I can find a better forum elsewhere.

Moderators, please delete or lock this thread, please delete my username.

I did speak of prayer, and also Bible verses that will help if you use them.