I need advice.. Very badly.

[jolynn44]

I don't know where else to go or who else to turn to. I have tried getting advice from others, and I can't. All I get is judged. I'm tired of being judged.

To start off, my name is Jordan. I live with my boyfriend of 4 1/2 years. I have one child from an affair who will be 4 in April, and I am now pregnant with my boyfriend's child, who will also be born in April. I can't say I am proud of my choices, but I am blessed with my angels. My children are my world. I don't know what I would do without them. My boyfriend is the love of my life, but I don't treat him like that. Once again, I cheated and he found out. The first time was right after we got together, and I felt so guilty I confessed immediately. He forgave me then, but after I found out I was pregnant, I could not forgive myself. I still can't to this day. This second time I deeply regret. I had felt so lonely because he had started playing video games a few months ago. At first, I didn't mind it. But then, it got to the point that he would play every single night, and I would have to either entertain myself or go to bed alone. He would play till about 2 or 3 in the morning, especially when he had to get up and go to work early the next morning. I was also very sexually frustrated. In my mind, I felt that the game was more important to him than me. I ended up calling a friend and asked if I could visit him the next day. He had no problem with it. We did visit - talked about his new girlfriend, his kids, my oldest, how my life and pregnancy was going.. And, during that, I felt like I was getting the proper attention. I loved it. He complimented on how I looked, saying the glow I had made me look beautiful. I haven't been called beautiful by a man in a very long time. My boyfriend doesn't even call me that. He calls me sexy. To me, that is too common for a woman to hear, and it can mean so many things. I honestly hate hearing that word. From him, I don't get complimented, appreciated... It hurts. I sometimes feel like the maid in the relationship. He doesn't help. I don't even remember the last time he did dishes or cooked. I beg him to take out the trash, and I end up doing it, even if the bags are too heavy for me to carry. But back to what happened. After we visited and before I left, I did end up sleeping with him. I wish I hadn't. I regret it. How my boyfriend found out - he looked through my emails trying to find something and found the conversation between me and my friend. He then looked through my phone. It has been over a month since he found out. He asked why I did it, and my only answer was I was lonely. He didn't believe it because he said I had no reason to be lonely. I hurt him, and I can't take it back. Until that night, I have never seen him cry. He called me horrible names and said some mean things. He also told me that the only person he cared about was the baby. He didn't love me anymore. That hurt me the most. I still don't know what he thinks of me and how he feels about me now. He has said that I didn't show any kind of regret or guilt until I got caught. Not true. But he doesn't know because he's always either at work or on the game, so he couldn't see my remorse. I didn't let him know about it because I didn't want to think of it. After it happened, I pushed the incident to the back of my head and refused to let it get to me. I kept trying to tell him that, but he doesn't believe me. He now checks my phone, my email, my facebook, asks where I'm at and what I'm doing, who I've been talking to, I can't get on the computer while he's gone unless it's to check my email. I can't tell him what's bothering me anymore because all I end up doing is crying. I do see a counselor once a week to get stuff off my chest; sometimes it helps, sometimes I feel even worse. There was one incident right before my daughter turned 1; I found out he was on several dating sites. His excuse was "he was just looking to see what was out there." That hurt because I thought he was going to leave me for someone better. He swore he wasn't, but I wasn't sure. Now that I look back, he didn't feel guilty until I caught him.

There is no passion anymore, no I love you, no nothing. I'm heartbroken, and don't know what to do.

My questions: How can I learn to forgive myself and live with what I did? How can I save this relationship? What can I do to earn his trust and his love back?

[DaveW]

Jolynn, I heard nothing in there about whether you are a believer or not.

If you are not, no amount of forgiving yourself will do any good. Only God can forgive sins.

I encourage you to get a bible (and read it), repent (turn away) from your sinning and find a good church to be a part of.  As much as you think this guy is the love of your life, Our Lord Jesus has so much more for you.

[jolynn44]

I guess I didn't. I am a believer. I do not technically belong to a church, but I definitely believe.

[anx]

Time and serious commitment to a Godly path is the best you can do at this point. Fixing your relationship can happen, but it will take years of work. Get involved in a church and you may want to read Christian counsling books that speak to you situation.

Sometimes what drives of to our faith is our choices. The book of James is all about struggle and I suggest you read it.

With God, good things and blessings can come from you situation, but it will take serious work and a long time.

Blessings

[chosenone]

I agree with the others. You need to get yourself right with God, before this mess can be sorted. Find a good church, go regularly, make friends, go to a womens group and see the pastor. If this boyfriend isnt a believer, then you need to think very carefully about staying with him anyway, and I am sure that you already know that living together outside marriage is wrong. Once you are on track with your faith  and God, then you can begin to work on sorting this mess out. Its a shame that you have 2 small children, because this all badly affects them, but they will benefit from you being serious about your relationship with God. My advise would also be that you may well need to seperate from this guy and put God first. Dont live with him again unless you end up getting married, but dont do anything until you have spent time praying and asking God for clear guidance.

Its not surprising that your boyfriend is so hurt, cheating is a deeply damaging and devastating thing to do, and the trust may take years to build up again. Many cant stay with someone who has cheated because the trust has gone. I am not at all surprised that he is checking up on you, he doesnt trust you at all.

[DaveW]

I guess I didn't. I am a believer. I do not technically belong to a church, but I definitely believe.

OK Good!

But PLEASE jolynn, PLEASE get yourself to a good bible believing and preaching church and sit down with the pastor (or his wife) and talk this whole thing out.  Finding a different living situation would be a fairly soon

By living with and having sex with your bf (or anyone else for that matter) when single you are sinning. God wants you to be obedient to His word. Sex is for marriage.

I know this sounds rough, but the rewards are truly heavenly.

[JohnDB]

God will accept the humble and contrite of heart.

So getting your act cleaned up before repenting (changing your mind about your behavior) is kinda a wrong thought.

The others are correct about chasing after God though. You need him much more than vice versa.

Finding out what true love looks like is gonna be crucial for you. You need to really love yourself (which you don't ) instead of thinking that feeding your wants and shying away from your fears is loving yourself.

Then loving others can happen. And your boyfriend will stop looking for escape in video games and other activities.

Loving others for who they are instead of their tokens (appearance, money, & talents) is the key here. 

[Gracey]

Hey there
Well, I think you've taken a good and a brave step by posting here and being honest about it.

I think the others are right, you can't fix this on your own.  But, if you give it all back to God, HE can fix you and He can fix your relationship too.   Even before the church bit, spend some time on your own and just talk to God, tell Him everything (He knows it anyway) and ask Him to give you direction.   Ask Him to make the next part easy for you - to give you an idea of which church to try.   And you know, just be honest with people when you do go, them where you're at and let people love you.   If you put the focus on mending your relationship with God, other things in your life start to get mended too.   

It's not an easy journey but if you get your priorities right, God will meet you in the middle.   

Hugs!  Thank you for trusting us with your story!

[jolynn44]

Thank you all for your advice. I really appreciate it. I will definitely be joining a church soon. I have one in mind - a good friend of mine goes there and she has been telling me all about it. It's a non-denominational church. I did find myself praying last night, which it's something I haven't done since high school.. While praying, I couldn't stop crying. I had so much guilt on my shoulders..
I know my living situation is not the best and not very Christian-like. But my previous home was not very Christian-like either. I lived with my mom, grandmother, and brother. My grandmother is an alcoholic, my mother is Bipolar, and my brother is mentally handicapped. So there was always a fight breaking out with things getting broken, yelling, cursing, hitting.. I couldn't be around that, and I sure wasn't going to let my oldest child grow up with that. I was always getting accused of stuff, even when I wasn't home. I can't work at the moment, and my previous home is too dangerous. So I can't get a place of my own at the moment..
I do have a bible, and actually started reading it a few weeks ago. Some of the passages have helped, but I am so confused on others...
My boyfriend does believe in God, but he is not religious. I have suggested we try going to a church, but he doesn't feel comfortable. I won't force him, but I will keep suggesting we go together.
I don't blame him for keeping me in check. I know he doesn't trust me. I broke that trust. I knew the consequences were coming. I actually suggested that he look through my things... And I know it is going to take a long time to rebuild that trust..