Not sure how to handle my bf's struggle with porn

[Wishingmylifeaway]

I'm hoping by writing all of this on here, and maybe even getting some advice or help or opinions in return, I'll start to feel normal in my relationship again.
My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for 6 months now, and were very good friends for 6 months before that. Both of us are taking it very seriously, and wouldn't be in a relationship if we didn't think it had the potential to lead to marriage; for that reason we're also very open about our lives.

Last night he admitted to me that he struggles with porn. He wanted to tell me, he didn't think it was fair that I didn't know. He told me that he has accountability set up with a group of people, that he wants to stop but finds it really difficult. I knew how hard it had been for him to tell me, it took a good half an hour of hugging in silence with him opening and shutting his mouth for him to actually say it, but now it's all I can think about.

A bit more background of our relationship would be useful at this point. I'm a new(ish) Christian. I grew up in a Christian family but left God and everything that went with him behind when I was around 14. It took until I was almost 21 to let myself be saved by him again, that was a year and a half ago now. My bf has been a Christian all of his adult(and teenage) life. Almost as soon as we met each other we became inseparable, but he had hang ups from an ex girlfriend that needed to be worked through. While friends, we didn't talk about the obvious attraction we had for each other, we just spent all our time together getting to know each other as people. I felt that I wanted to be my own self in God before committing to someone, and he felt that he should be sure he was ready to move on.
From getting together 6 months ago, our relationship has escalated dramatically. I knew he was important to me, that he was unlike any other guy I'd been interested in before, but I didn't realise just how quickly he'd become an integral part of my life.

I'd like to say now that there is a distinct lack in reading material on the do's and don'ts of Christian dating. I've trawled through the internet looking for any specific advice, such as what's okay to do intimacy wise (no info apart from 'don't have sex'). If you're engaged or married, there are entire websites dedicated to relieving your confusion; but if you're 'pre engagement' then you're pretty much in it alone.

So all of what I've said so far is pretty much giving you the outline, in order to possibly understand what I'm asking about, and what I'm struggling with. I've always felt like I'm the half of the couple with issues, I'm the one with skeletons in my closet and who's had to fight through many a difficult conversation, because I love him, and I want him to know who I really am. So when he sat me down and said he had something he needed to tell me, and that he wasn't sure how I'd feel about it, I was running through all sorts of scary things in my mind, but none of them seemed possible with him. He's such a good man of God, he's been a worship pastor at our church and is always the one to remind us to pray together or spend time with God together. The image of him sitting at his computer watching porn, and masturbating to it, just doesn't quite fit in my head. I've never (pre Christian) had any big problem with porn, and haven't thought about it much in the last year, so the way I felt when he told me surprised me. I felt hurt.
A non Christian guy choosing to watch it wouldn't bother me, but he knows that it's wrong and yet has such a big issue with it that he literally cannot resist. I've liked being able to think that if we do get married, I'll be his only sexual partner, his only sexual experience, it takes a massive expectations-based weight off me. But now I feel, and this is such a cliche, like I'll have to compete with 'porn-girls'; and only porn girls, because he has no experience of 'real girls' in that area.

I've chosen to be cool about it. I don't want him feeling judged, or feeling that he's hurt me, or feeling that he can't talk to me about it. I want to talk about it with him, and fight through some of the reasons behind why he finds it so difficult to resist, but I don't know what the right things to say are, or the right ways to bring it up. I'm just finding it so much more difficult than I expected, it's on my mind all the time. This is probably made worse by the fact that I have nobody I can talk about it with, because it wouldn't be fair on him if I told anyone else about it.

This hasn't changed how I feel about him, but it has made me panicky about the fact that he's a big believer in long engagements. The passion with which we already want each other isn't something I want to lose, but it's also not something I can handle on a daily basis for another 2+ years. I, in no way, want to rush making a commitment, but I do worry that 2 more years or so of us wanting to be together and not being able to, isn't going to help with the porn watching...

Has anyone got any advice or input or experience in this? I feel so alone with not being able to talk to anyone.
I have so much more I could say, and more I could ask, but this is already an essay.... Thank you so much for reading if you've managed to get through it all.

[Gracey]

Hey there
First of all, I would say the fact that he told you about it, is a GOOD thing.  To me, that would indicate that he really loves and/or values you in his life. 

Believe me, there is hardly a distinction between non-believing guys and believing guys, when it comes to porn.  It is just as much of a problem in the church, as it is out of it.  It's just that we're better at covering it up in churches.  A lot of guys who are believers will struggle with it, but don't feel they can tell anyone, not knowing that probably half the guys in church are in the same boat!

So, the way forward is definitely accountability.  But this needs to be really tough accountability - not just a group of people struggling with the same thing, but led by someone who will genuinely challenge your boyfriend's behaviour.  He needs to know that someone in his life, will see past his excuses and weakness and will call him to account, if he messes up.    That will help a LOT!

Also, counselling is a good thing - if a person has an addictive behaviour of any sort, there is usually a reason for it.  Porn is often just a symptom of a bigger problem - an unmet need of some description.  Or it could be just a vicious circle.  If you look into it, as an academic subject, when a person views porn, it (obviously) acts as a stimulant but in time, the person feels they cannot get that stimulant through any other means and so they havitually and addictively keep going back and the problem grows.   It's important to talk to someone who understands the cycle, so that it can be broken physically, but also spiritually.   Because a huge part of the issue is spiritual - the chains in his life need to be broken off! 

Also, take a look (both at you) at the ministry of xxxchurch.com - it's a non judgemental ministry, but at the same time, doesn't let people off the hook.  Loads of great reading material there.  Also, for your boyfriend a good book is Every Man's Battle.   Also, check out the teachings of Sy Rogers.  Sy was a guy deeply involved in sexually addictive behaviour - he was gay, extremely promiscuous, addicted to porn and at one point, was lining up for a sex change operation.  That of course, sounds extreme, I know, but his teachings today on the root of sexual sin in our lives, no matter how small it starts, is revolutionary.   He does some amazing talks on ridding your mind of Satan's destructive power - incredible stuff.

As for the 'how far to go' stuff, well, personally, I'm not interested in books or anyone telling me what I should or shouldn't do.  Everyone is different!  The question to ask yourself is, 'is this glorifying God?'.   Only you will know the answer to that, but do not disregard the still, small voice which gives you the answer.   Ultimately, are you going to get married?   I would strongly urge you not to commit to this man fully only you know he has been 'clean' and stable from this stuff for a good long time period.   Don't fall into the belief that being married and having a regular sex life, will 'cure' him.  It won't.  Porn is rarely about a lack of sex - it is about something deeper.

But, I think you're in a good place if he is willing to be open and honest about it.  Let him know that it's a non negotiable for you, that you won't tolerate it, but you WILL support him through the journey toward healing. 

[Dave H.]

Well, this is short and sweet from a guy. If he get's help for this and pushes it out of his life, that's great. But if it continues to be a problem then I would suggest that you find another boyfriend. Porn has ruined more marrages/relationships than subtance abuse. Do not allow this imto your life. You will be sorry. Just looking out for you.

[chosenone]

Gracey and Dave have made great points.
There are several porn blocker programmes that can be put onto the computer, and some have a way of linking whatever he tries to look up to another persons computer, so he can have a male accountability partner who can keep track of what he does.

While I don't see the point in long engagements, (if you are ready enough to get engaged, why wait 2 years), I would strongly advise against even getting engaged until he has been off porn totally for a long long time. As has been said, he isn't looking at porn because he cant have sex. Many married guys are addicted to porn. After a while of serious porn use, men find it very hard to get aroused with normal sex, and actually prefer to get their satisfaction with porn. Even if they have sex with their wives, they frequently fantasise about what they have seen on the porn.

I know that it sounds hard, but I would strongly advise against ever marrying a guy who cant stop porn use. It destroys lives, marriages and people. Its evil and horrible. If he uses porn when you are going out and engaged, its unlikely to stop once you are married.

AS for the how far to go, I would stay off anything sexual. So holding hands, a kiss and a cuddle but thats it. What is the point of going futher if it will only leave you both aroused? Remember that if you break up, you are doing things with someones future husband, and he is touching someone elses future wife.

[Cally]

Well . . . I'm actually hesitant about the accountability groups thing.

Daily I have to remember that there is a God who loves me in a way that I can't manage to experience anywhere else: "love" apart from what others can get from me. In the daily grind, I'm a piece of meat. Likewise, "the prostitute reduces you to a loaf of bread" (Proverbs) and when a man internalizes the attitudes around him which evaluate him as an object already, the harm that she does to him is imperceptible. That's why I'm worried about the accountability groups: the end goal is still all about what others can get from him, and much less in the interest of what's good for him. That's why the responses around here (to men's sexual problems) bother me so much: where is the scripture being used? It's not, because the scriptures pertain to dignifying one's own body, and valuing oneself beyond what others get from you, and there is infinitely more interest in the consequences to others when matters of men's sexuality are discussed in the majority of the time. Likewise, when I think of avoiding (say) alcoholism, smoking, gluttony, I think about the harm those things do to me.

There is just a world of love waiting for men as to their intrinsic value and I, for one, am hard-pressed to find it anywhere apart from communion with my God. Sure, the surrounding consequences may get men to think about how to take care of themselves in this area, but what a horrible sentiment that men receive in this area from others. Even the difference in reaction between men and women's sexual issues (I observe, even around these forums), is unmistakable: for women, there's interest for her getting set free for her own sake; for men, it's getting set free for everyone else's sake.

He (and we all, of course) need to get to know God. I pray that, somehow, he gets to know the God who loves him.

[Red Baker]

Well . . . I'm actually hesitant about the accountability groups thing.

Daily I have to remember that there is a God who loves me in a way that I can't manage to experience anywhere else: "love" apart from what others can get from me. In the daily grind, I'm a piece of meat. Likewise, "the prostitute reduces you to a loaf of bread" (Proverbs) and when a man internalizes the attitudes around him which evaluate him as an object already, the harm that she does to him is imperceptible. That's why I'm worried about the accountability groups: the end goal is still all about what others can get from him, and much less in the interest of what's good for him. That's why the responses around here (to men's sexual problems) bother me so much: where is the scripture being used? It's not, because the scriptures pertain to dignifying one's own body, and valuing oneself beyond what others get from you, and there is infinitely more interest in the consequences to others when matters of men's sexuality are discussed in the majority of the time. Likewise, when I think of avoiding (say) alcoholism, smoking, gluttony, I think about the harm those things do to me.

There is just a world of love waiting for men as to their intrinsic value and I, for one, am hard-pressed to find it anywhere apart from communion with my God. Sure, the surrounding consequences may get men to think about how to take care of themselves in this area, but what a horrible sentiment that men receive in this area from others. Even the difference in reaction between men and women's sexual issues (I observe, even around these forums), is unmistakable: for women, there's interest for her getting set free for her own sake; for men, it's getting set free for everyone else's sake.

He (and we all, of course) need to get to know God. I pray that, somehow, he gets to know the God who loves him.

Well said!

RB

[chosenone]

Well . . . I'm actually hesitant about the accountability groups thing.

Daily I have to remember that there is a God who loves me in a way that I can't manage to experience anywhere else: "love" apart from what others can get from me. In the daily grind, I'm a piece of meat. Likewise, "the prostitute reduces you to a loaf of bread" (Proverbs) and when a man internalizes the attitudes around him which evaluate him as an object already, the harm that she does to him is imperceptible. That's why I'm worried about the accountability groups: the end goal is still all about what others can get from him, and much less in the interest of what's good for him. That's why the responses around here (to men's sexual problems) bother me so much: where is the scripture being used? It's not, because the scriptures pertain to dignifying one's own body, and valuing oneself beyond what others get from you, and there is infinitely more interest in the consequences to others when matters of men's sexuality are discussed in the majority of the time. Likewise, when I think of avoiding (say) alcoholism, smoking, gluttony, I think about the harm those things do to me.

There is just a world of love waiting for men as to their intrinsic value and I, for one, am hard-pressed to find it anywhere apart from communion with my God. Sure, the surrounding consequences may get men to think about how to take care of themselves in this area, but what a horrible sentiment that men receive in this area from others. Even the difference in reaction between men and women's sexual issues (I observe, even around these forums), is unmistakable: for women, there's interest for her getting set free for her own sake; for men, it's getting set free for everyone else's sake.

He (and we all, of course) need to get to know God. I pray that, somehow, he gets to know the God who loves him.

  Porn use deeply damages many people and destroys marriages all the time, no matter if it is men or women who are addicted.

You imagine most of the things that you think you see here, and your idea of women are very skewed. I have known hundreds of  lovely godly ladies in my life, who are good and loving wives. I am very sorry that you haven't found one, but that's doesn't mean that there aren't many many out there.
I am glad that the previous men in my life who were useless and ungodly didn't adversely colour my image of all men, as your experiences of one or two women may have done with yours, as I now have the best guy ever. Don't let that negativity and resentment keep you in that position of being down on women, because it defiantly wont help you to find a good lady for yourself or relate to women in a healthy way.

Any woman or man who marries a person addicted to porn is asking for trouble. Which sex they are matters little.

[Cally]

C1: I think 90% of your post to me refers to material outside of my comment within this discussion, and I don't think I want to drag all of this into this thread.

But here's the short of what my point is: there is good, wonderful news for men for being set free from sexual problems, and the general flow of our culture denies them access to it. I can't even imagine accountability groups being of much use, because, once again, they (and most "churches") are oriented more towards what they (and women, especially) can GET from men more than they're interested in what is truly good for a man due to his intrinsic worth.

Men: "The prostitute (or porn star) reduces you to a piece of bread." (Proverbs 6:26) When is the last time you heard someone say that? There's a reason why that message is not given to men, and I've been trying to explain why: there isn't much priority out there to restore men's intrinsic worth to something more than what he's able to produce, and so men are largely on their own to fight the message of ALREADY being reduced to a piece of bread.

[TJW]

I agree with Chosenone and Dave H.  You will be letting yourself for a lifetime of heartache if this addiction is not firmly and COMPLETELY ERADICATED
from his life before you marry.

[ConquerSeries]

Thank you for sharing your story. I understand your concern and I pray that you find help as soon as possible. I mean, how are you know almost 6 months after writing this?

Anyway, I believe help is readily available for you and your boyfriend through the conquer series.com. Do visit the website to find a support group for you and your boyfriend. God bless you in your journey.