Longtime best friend opposes me wanting to marry her brother...advice please!

[AJG]

Hi...I could use prayer and advice. It involves my longtime Christian best friend, Esther. We met when I was 13 and she was 12, and we've been very close ever since, and I also eventually developed a close friendship with her older brother, Tim. Fast forward several years, and here we are. This past year has been hard, starting with their father passing away from brain cancer, and then Esther herself being saved from death only by a blood transfusion the week right after his death. To make a long story short, about nine months ago, Tim approached me and told me he's felt for a long time that I'm meant to be his future wife. I told him that I had felt the same about him. However, Esther strongly opposes this. She feels betrayed, saying that she feels as though I never cared about her all these years...that I only cared for Tim, and I used her to get to him. I was shocked, and even more so when my friendship with her, which I was sure nothing could shake, disintegrated. Tim and I were disappointed when we first realized her disagreement with us, but continued planning to get engaged and eventually married, and he bought an engagement ring in preparation to ask my Dad for my hand when the time was right. We even met with the Pastor of our church for counseling. Then last week, Esther and I talked and she said she will never be comfortable with this. She told me that she loves me and wants to be my friend, but I have to choose between her and Tim, and if I chose him, there will always be a barrier between us. She feels he is not right for me and that we don't want to get married for the right reasons. Not knowing what to do, but loving both too much to choose one over the other, I told Tim I thought we should just stop talking marriage for awhile and go back to treating each other as friends, in hopes that this will eventually sort out and Esther will be able to understand/handle the idea of us getting married. I felt that the only thing to do was to choose neither of them and just step back, give it time and put them on the altar as Abraham did with his dear son Isaac. I'm not sure where to go from here, but I want to do the right thing, the thing that will most glorify God, but I'm just not sure what that is at this point, which is why I just hit the pause button. I need a miracle, please pray for one...I don't want to lose my friendship with Esther, but I also want to be with Tim. What are your thoughts?

[chosenone]

I am not sure how old Esther is, but she sounds very immature. If she loves you both, then why isnt she delighted that you will be her sister in law.? I have to wonder if any girl would be 'right' for her brother in her eyes, and that its all jealousy, that she will loose him in some way?Are they very close?

What is their mothers thought on this? Cant she talk to her for you? Has her brother sat down and discussed this with her?

If you and he are both 100% sure that you are meant to marry(and it is early days of your relationship) then I think you need to carry on to be honest, not flaunting it but making it clear that you both love her but that you know its Gods will that you are togather. You cant let her control you both to this extent.

[DaveW]

Welcome AJG to the forums! 

Wow that is really strange. It usually happens the other way around that when a close friend decides to marry a sibling (of the opposite gender) it means that the friends become sisters or brothers in the same family and are very happy for that.

Do you know Esther and Tim's family history - has there been animus or competition between the 2 of them? 
Has he been romantically interested in anyone else in the past? Or she?

To take it down to a 4 year old level, it sounds like she is reacting to an older sibling taking away one of her toys. (I see it with my grand-kids)

Keep praying.  Keep talking to the pastor. (or his wife) They may have some insight on the whole situation.

[AJG]

I am not sure how old Esther is, but she sounds very immature. If she loves you both, then why isnt she delighted that you will be her sister in law.? I have to wonder if any girl would be 'right' for her brother in her eyes, and that its all jealousy, that she will loose him in some way?Are they very close?

What is their mothers thought on this? Cant she talk to her for you? Has her brother sat down and discussed this with her?

If you and he are both 100% sure that you are meant to marry(and it is early days of your relationship) then I think you need to carry on to be honest, not flaunting it but making it clear that you both love her but that you know its Gods will that you are togather. You cant let her control you both to this extent.

CHOSENONE: Esther is 18, and she says she loves me but she has always had relationship problems with her brother. From what I've observed over the years and what I know about their pasts, the story is basically that Tim has made some mistakes that she will not forgive him for even though he's very sorry about them. She treats him like dirt even though he tries to do right to her. Their mom is very involved in the situation, but after everything that had happened in the past year, she felt it would be too much for Esther to have another change thrown upon her and so she asked me and Tim not to tell her. That was mistake number one. Tim tried to talk to her about this, but she just had a screaming fit at him.

[AJG]

DAVEW: I know, and that's what I expected, which is why I took it so hard I think. I was just shocked because I thought she would be excited. She has been romantically interested in guys but never in a relationship, and she often bemoans that fact. She's told me she thinks I'm just desperate to get married and that's the only reason I'd marry Tim, but I think SHE's the one desperate to get married, not me. I would be fine with never getting married if that was God's will for me. Tim on the other hand, was in two past dating relationships, after which he decided he hated dating and he was just going to wait until God brought along the right girl. I have considered going to the Pastor's wife about this, I'm sure she would be very helpful, and maybe even sit down with Esther and I. I'm sure Tim will go to the Pastor about it.

[AJG]

Welcome AJG to the forums! 

Wow that is really strange. It usually happens the other way around that when a close friend decides to marry a sibling (of the opposite gender) it means that the friends become sisters or brothers in the same family and are very happy for that.

Do you know Esther and Tim's family history - has there been animus or competition between the 2 of them? 
Has he been romantically interested in anyone else in the past? Or she?

To take it down to a 4 year old level, it sounds like she is reacting to an older sibling taking away one of her toys. (I see it with my grand-kids)

Keep praying.  Keep talking to the pastor. (or his wife) They may have some insight on the whole situation.

DAVEW: I know, and that's what I expected, which is why I took it so hard I think. I was just shocked because I thought she would be excited. She has been romantically interested in guys but never in a relationship, and she often bemoans that fact. She's told me she thinks I'm just desperate to get married and that's the only reason I'd marry Tim, but I think SHE's the one desperate to get married, not me. I would be fine with never getting married if that was God's will for me. Tim on the other hand, was in two past dating relationships, after which he decided he hated dating and he was just going to wait until God brought along the right girl. I have considered going to the Pastor's wife about this, I'm sure she would be very helpful, and maybe even sit down with Esther and I. I'm sure Tim will go to the Pastor about it.

[chosenone]

I am not sure how old Esther is, but she sounds very immature. If she loves you both, then why isnt she delighted that you will be her sister in law.? I have to wonder if any girl would be 'right' for her brother in her eyes, and that its all jealousy, that she will loose him in some way?Are they very close?

What is their mothers thought on this? Cant she talk to her for you? Has her brother sat down and discussed this with her?

If you and he are both 100% sure that you are meant to marry(and it is early days of your relationship) then I think you need to carry on to be honest, not flaunting it but making it clear that you both love her but that you know its Gods will that you are together. You cant let her control you both to this extent.

CHOSENONE: Esther is 18, and she says she loves me but she has always had relationship problems with her brother. From what I've observed over the years and what I know about their pasts, the story is basically that Tim has made some mistakes that she will not forgive him for even though he's very sorry about them. She treats him like dirt even though he tries to do right to her. Their mom is very involved in the situation, but after everything that had happened in the past year, she felt it would be too much for Esther to have another change thrown upon her and so she asked me and Tim not to tell her. That was mistake number one. Tim tried to talk to her about this, but she just had a screaming fit at him.

You cant let a person who is so controlling and manipulative be in command of your lives. If you let her keep you apart, she will carry on controlling you both. She is acting like a very controlling mother who cant let her son go, rather than a sister. Or a toddler who has been told she cant have what she wants.

You need to carry on with what God is leading you to do, and if she never accepts it then I am sorry, but that will be her loss. She is only thinking of herself and not about anyone else. If she is still seriously causing trouble by the time you marry, you may need to move right away and start afresh.

AS you are only 19 yourself, I would suggest that you wait for some time before you marry, especially as the relationship is still quite new. Believe me, you change so much between the late teens and mid to late 20's. If she makes trouble while you are seeing each other, then again you may even need to stop your friendship with her. If Tim has the means to do so, it may be better if he can move out of the home to be more independent of his family.   

[DaveW]

ou cant let a person who is so controlling and manipulative be in command of your lives. If you let her keep you apart, she will carry on controlling you both. She is acting like a very controlling mother who cant let her son go, rather than a sister. Or a toddler who has been told she cant have what she wants.

I very much agree with Chosen on this point.

While I also agree you are young, if you are firmly committed to the marriage there is no reason a 19 or 20 year old cannot be a good spouse and form a lasting marriage.

I encourage you and Tim to speak to the pastor and his wife; as soon as is practical. 

[dotterofzion]

Hi AJG, it sounds like Esther's jealous of you and Tim, it sounds like she feels she should be the one getting married, not either of you. You are quite young at 19 so you can take your time and decide if you want to get married now, or in a few years time, but if you are sure Tim loves you, then choose him over her.