Abstinence!

[Chayil]

Long time no post or read even.

Quick question, how do you broach the topic of abstinence when you meet someone? So say around the third date, how exactly do you let that person know that you are abstaining till marriage or trying to anyhow?

The assumptions here are that: 1) just saying you are a born again Christian isn't quite enough. 2) we are living in a time where it's standard to get jiggy before being married. 3) you haven't met said individual at the churches bake sale. 4) you are yet to have an in-depth conversation on faith/beliefs etc.

While I appreciate most responses, a 'why don't you just say it' or a 'I find it is best to find these things out before even going on a date' will not really help.

As always, many thank yous and such and such.

[Lively Stone]

 As I am a proponent of Christians courting each other and not of the secular pattern of dating (which no christian can rework appropriately), it is the norm that the couple circulate in a group of friends and acquaintances in order to really know each other while seeking God to point him/her toward the one He chooses. Friendship and love is birthed there. Important Christian values are evident at that level, and the next level is commitment toward marriage, where a form of dating is a logical next step, which is done in the company of others.

So...dating the way the world does it is out.

[fassopony]

I really don't date but I am a pretty outspoken sort.  I have no problem, and have had no problem in the past, announcing "Yeah, the whole Christian thing means no sex, you cool with that?".

The biggest argument I ever got was my own good friend a month or two after I got saved.  He didn;t want to have sex he was just blown away that I was saying I wasn't going to have sex without marriage and that I honestly didn't see myself getting married anyway.  Poor guy is still confuzzled about that one LOL!!

[chosenone]

It should be more than clear by the third date if that person is a true Christian or not, and why would you go out with someoene unless you knew they were a Christian to start with anyway? If they are unhappy about no sex then I would doubt they were following God.
As for abstinance, I think that dh and I knew more or less straight away that we were both very strong on no sex outside marriage.

[Red Baker]

As I am a proponent of Christians courting each other and not of the secular pattern of dating (which no christian can rework appropriately), it is the norm that the couple circulate in a group of friends and acquaintances in order to really know each other while seeking God to point him/her toward the one He chooses. Friendship and love is birthed there. Important Christian values are evident at that level, and the next level is commitment toward marriage, where a form of dating is a logical next step, which is done in the company of others.

So...dating the way the world does it is out.

Amen Lively Stone.  I never allowed my daughters to date the way the world calls dating.  All of them (3) are now happily married, and have been for several years to the same man.  A person is insane believing that you can give two young adults total freedom alone for any time, without them ending up in bed together!  It is not fair for them, to be alone, touching each others bodies.  Boys have one thing on their mind when alone with a female, and it is not bible studying!  One of my daughters said to men once~"Dad, I have boys who wants to be my friend and nothing else."  I said back to her~Destini, if that is all they wants to be, then they do not find you too attractive! She was only seventeen then.  She later told me: Dad, you were right about boys; I said, I know, God made me a male.  She is now 42, and has four boys of her own.  Some are teengers~I told her while those boys are sleeping at night, God is using his hypodemic needle pumping their veins with testosterones!

RB

[chosenone]

As I am a proponent of Christians courting each other and not of the secular pattern of dating (which no christian can rework appropriately), it is the norm that the couple circulate in a group of friends and acquaintances in order to really know each other while seeking God to point him/her toward the one He chooses. Friendship and love is birthed there. Important Christian values are evident at that level, and the next level is commitment toward marriage, where a form of dating is a logical next step, which is done in the company of others.

So...dating the way the world does it is out.

Amen Lively Stone.  I never allowed my daughters to date the way the world calls dating.  All of them (3) are now happily married, and have been for several years to the same man.  A person is insane believing that you can give two young adults total freedom alone for any time, without them ending up in bed together!  It is not fair for them, to be alone, touching each others bodies.  Boys have one thing on their mind when alone with a female, and it is not bible studying!  One of my daughters said to men once~"Dad, I have boys who wants to be my friend and nothing else."  I said back to her~Destini, if that is all they wants to be, then they do not find you too attractive! She was only seventeen then.  She later told me: Dad, you were right about boys; I said, I know, God made me a male.  She is now 42, and has four boys of her own.  Some are teengers~I told her while those boys are sleeping at night, God is using his hypodemic needle pumping their veins with testosterones!

RB

I cant agree. You cant say that all guys are the same. Many young Christian guys dont just have one thing on their mind.
Both of my two older children are married(one boy and one girl). Both dated normally, and neither couples had sex with each other till they married.
I also dated my husband. He wasnt even from my church or area so not sure how I was supposed to get to know him apart from seeing him and going out with him??? Same with my children. Both met people from a fair distance away, and not from their church or friendship circle. They had both been living away from home and been completely independant for over 6 years, so it wasnt up to me to tell them what to do, that was their decision as grown adults.

[Chayil]

It should be more than clear by the third date if that person is a true Christian or not, and why would you go out with someoene unless you knew they were a Christian to start with anyway? If they are unhappy about no sex then I would doubt they were following God.
As for abstinance, I think that dh and I knew more or less straight away that we were both very strong on no sex outside marriage.

This is why I avoid posting, because of self-righteous responses like this.

[Chayil]

I really don't date but I am a pretty outspoken sort.  I have no problem, and have had no problem in the past, announcing "Yeah, the whole Christian thing means no sex, you cool with that?".

The biggest argument I ever got was my own good friend a month or two after I got saved.  He didn;t want to have sex he was just blown away that I was saying I wasn't going to have sex without marriage and that I honestly didn't see myself getting married anyway.  Poor guy is still confuzzled about that one LOL!!

Which is where my question comes from, just how we deliver the message to someone who wouldn't immediately get it you know?

Maybe I should have explained what I meant by 'dating'! I mean going out for a coffee, for lunch. Not actually courting. I personally believe there is a difference.

[Lively Stone]

It should be more than clear by the third date if that person is a true Christian or not, and why would you go out with someoene unless you knew they were a Christian to start with anyway? If they are unhappy about no sex then I would doubt they were following God.
As for abstinance, I think that dh and I knew more or less straight away that we were both very strong on no sex outside marriage.

This is why I avoid posting, because of self-righteous responses like this.

Chosenone is not being self-righteous. She is being righteous.

[fassopony]

I really don't date but I am a pretty outspoken sort.  I have no problem, and have had no problem in the past, announcing "Yeah, the whole Christian thing means no sex, you cool with that?".

The biggest argument I ever got was my own good friend a month or two after I got saved.  He didn;t want to have sex he was just blown away that I was saying I wasn't going to have sex without marriage and that I honestly didn't see myself getting married anyway.  Poor guy is still confuzzled about that one LOL!!

Which is where my question comes from, just how we deliver the message to someone who wouldn't immediately get it you know?

Maybe I should have explained what I meant by 'dating'! I mean going out for a coffee, for lunch. Not actually courting. I personally believe there is a difference.

Interestingly, I said it just like that on a coffee date at a Starbucks in town.  I have found it is better for me to just be upfront about things.  I am not shy, quiet, or coy and it does not work for me to sit back and try to figure out timing things just right.  So I just say it.

Like this on a 3rd coffee date, "Hey just so we are on the same page, this whole Christian thing means no sleeping around to me.  How 'bout you?"

No biggie.  Better to get rid of them then than have to smack them off you later, right ;)

[chosenone]

It should be more than clear by the third date if that person is a true Christian or not, and why would you go out with someoene unless you knew they were a Christian to start with anyway? If they are unhappy about no sex then I would doubt they were following God.
As for abstinance, I think that dh and I knew more or less straight away that we were both very strong on no sex outside marriage.

This is why I avoid posting, because of self-righteous responses like this.

Self righteous to say that we shouldnt be going out with anyone who isnt a committed Christian? Isnt that common sense?

[Cally]

As I am a proponent of Christians courting each other and not of the secular pattern of dating (which no christian can rework appropriately), it is the norm that the couple circulate in a group of friends and acquaintances in order to really know each other while seeking God to point him/her toward the one He chooses. Friendship and love is birthed there. Important Christian values are evident at that level, and the next level is commitment toward marriage, where a form of dating is a logical next step, which is done in the company of others.

So...dating the way the world does it is out.

Amen Lively Stone.  I never allowed my daughters to date the way the world calls dating.  All of them (3) are now happily married, and have been for several years to the same man.  A person is insane believing that you can give two young adults total freedom alone for any time, without them ending up in bed together!  It is not fair for them, to be alone, touching each others bodies.  Boys have one thing on their mind when alone with a female, and it is not bible studying!  One of my daughters said to men once~"Dad, I have boys who wants to be my friend and nothing else."  I said back to her~Destini, if that is all they wants to be, then they do not find you too attractive! She was only seventeen then.  She later told me: Dad, you were right about boys; I said, I know, God made me a male.  She is now 42, and has four boys of her own.  Some are teengers~I told her while those boys are sleeping at night, God is using his hypodemic needle pumping their veins with testosterones!

RB

Red, although I agree about dating--having never been on a date besides prom, not having seen the point--you are truly in danger of genuinely slandering young men and I would urge you to take that seriously. I have been alone with women my age in the past and I was definitely not--not even once--thinking of that "one thing." You can speak for yourself, how you were at a young age, but making that accusation against many Bible-believing young man is not without consequence to them as they are precious sons of God. I would urge you, respectfully (as I hope I'm not interpreted to be disrespectful) to consider this.

1 Timothy 5:1-2
Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were your father. Treat younger men as brothers,
older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity.

I have a biological sister and I have known sisters in Christ.

[Red Baker]

Posted by: chosenone
« on: Today at 01:59:55 PM » Insert Quote

ChosenOne you said: "I cant agree. You cant say that all guys are the same. Many young Christian guys dont just have one thing on their mind."

I did not say all~I said boys have one thing on their mind, when alone with females.  Yes, there are some exceptions, but exceptions only prove that the rule STANDS!  Just because a young man professes to be a Christians, does not mean that they will not have strong desire to lay with a girl, when all alone and kissing and touching!  I am a man, and have talked to many young godly boys who will quick confess that it is not good to be alone with a female. 

I am not judging what other parents allow, but being a male, and knowing how we are effected greatly by sight, I know well what I am talking about.  Young girls must first experience sex before knowing the pleasure thereof, not so with males. Women in general are arouse more so by the way they are treated, and talked to them; not so with males~all sight, almost 100%.  I may be wrong a little about women, but not so with males, I have lived in a male's body for sixty five years.

RB

[Cally]

Long time no post or read even.

Quick question, how do you broach the topic of abstinence when you meet someone? So say around the third date, how exactly do you let that person know that you are abstaining till marriage or trying to anyhow?

The assumptions here are that: 1) just saying you are a born again Christian isn't quite enough. 2) we are living in a time where it's standard to get jiggy before being married. 3) you haven't met said individual at the churches bake sale. 4) you are yet to have an in-depth conversation on faith/beliefs etc.

While I appreciate most responses, a 'why don't you just say it' or a 'I find it is best to find these things out before even going on a date' will not really help.

As always, many thank yous and such and such.

IDK just make light conversation and maybe even make a lighthearted joke with "yes I'm kind of an oldschool prude." Yes, lighthearted--I think the whole "hear me roar" or "I'm the ark of the covenant and if you touch me you die instantly" kind of thing might cause some undesirable tension, to say the least. My thoughts.

Some people are talking about doing it through groups and through a church, with family and/or friends. . . I'm at it kind of solo and it sounds like you are also. Maybe they're right and you should go about it that way.

[chosenone]

Posted by: chosenone
« on: Today at 01:59:55 PM » Insert Quote

ChosenOne you said: "I cant agree. You cant say that all guys are the same. Many young Christian guys don't just have one thing on their mind."

I did not say all~I said boys have one thing on their mind, when alone with females.  Yes, there are some exceptions, but exceptions only prove that the rule STANDS!  Just because a young man professes to be a Christians, does not mean that they will not have strong desire to lay with a girl, when all alone and kissing and touching!  I am a man, and have talked to many young godly boys who will quick confess that it is not good to be alone with a female. 

I am not judging what other parents allow, but being a male, and knowing how we are effected greatly by sight, I know well what I am talking about.  Young girls must first experience sex before knowing the pleasure thereof, not so with males. Women in general are arouse more so by the way they are treated, and talked to them; not so with males~all sight, almost 100%.  I may be wrong a little about women, but not so with males, I have lived in a Male's body for sixty five years.

RB

Yes but you cant judge every man by what you are like red. Just as I cant assume that all women are the same as me in all ways. Having been out with different guys in the past, now happily married to my second husband, having a son, two step sons and two brothers, I can tell you that they are all VERY different. Some are very moral (like my husband) and some aren't. Some will take advantage and some would never ever do that.
You also cant speak as if its always the guys who are the 'baddies' and the women who are the 'poor little victims' who are taken advantage of. Many young women these days are just as bad, and will pressure the guys to do things, as well as wearing very immodest clothes which make it harder for the guys(yes Christian girls).

[Texas Conservative]

Red Baker,

All three of your daughters are married to the same man?

[Cally]

Red Baker,

All three of your daughters are married to the same man?

I think it's obvious what he meant.

[Chayil]

It should be more than clear by the third date if that person is a true Christian or not, and why would you go out with someoene unless you knew they were a Christian to start with anyway? If they are unhappy about no sex then I would doubt they were following God.
As for abstinance, I think that dh and I knew more or less straight away that we were both very strong on no sex outside marriage.

This is why I avoid posting, because of self-righteous responses like this.

Chosenone is not being self-righteous. She is being righteous.

Sure! That is exactly what is.

[Chayil]

It should be more than clear by the third date if that person is a true Christian or not, and why would you go out with someoene unless you knew they were a Christian to start with anyway? If they are unhappy about no sex then I would doubt they were following God.
As for abstinance, I think that dh and I knew more or less straight away that we were both very strong on no sex outside marriage.

This is why I avoid posting, because of self-righteous responses like this.

Self righteous to say that we shouldnt be going out with anyone who isnt a committed Christian? Isnt that common sense?

Going on a date with someone for a coffee....hmm before I do that I should ask them if they are a Christian, have ever been mistaken for a serial killer and what their political opinions are? I do not believe that everyone I communicate with must be a Christian. If I meet someone and it doesn't work out because our faiths aren't aligned, I'd like to think we can still be friends. I don't send out a questionnaire before going out.

I posted because I needed 'helpful' advice...not 'well why would you blah blah in the first place.' having a coffee with a non-Christian.....oh how treacherous.

[Chayil]

I really don't date but I am a pretty outspoken sort.  I have no problem, and have had no problem in the past, announcing "Yeah, the whole Christian thing means no sex, you cool with that?".

The biggest argument I ever got was my own good friend a month or two after I got saved.  He didn;t want to have sex he was just blown away that I was saying I wasn't going to have sex without marriage and that I honestly didn't see myself getting married anyway.  Poor guy is still confuzzled about that one LOL!!

.

Which is where my question comes from, just how we deliver the message to someone who wouldn't immediately get it you know?

Maybe I should have explained what I meant by 'dating'! I mean going out for a coffee, for lunch. Not actually courting. I personally believe there is a difference.

Interestingly, I said it just like that on a coffee date at a Starbucks in town.  I have found it is better for me to just be upfront about things.  I am not shy, quiet, or coy and it does not work for me to sit back and try to figure out timing things just right.  So I just say it.

Like this on a 3rd coffee date, "Hey just so we are on the same page, this whole Christian thing means no sleeping around to me.  How 'bout you?"

No biggie.  Better to get rid of them then than have to smack them off you later, right ;)

I haven't always been confident in speaking about my faith..still learning but your method sounds effective. Thanks

[chosenone]

It should be more than clear by the third date if that person is a true Christian or not, and why would you go out with someoene unless you knew they were a Christian to start with anyway? If they are unhappy about no sex then I would doubt they were following God.
As for abstinance, I think that dh and I knew more or less straight away that we were both very strong on no sex outside marriage.

This is why I avoid posting, because of self-righteous responses like this.

Self righteous to say that we shouldnt be going out with anyone who isnt a committed Christian? Isnt that common sense?

Going on a date with someone for a coffee....hmm before I do that I should ask them if they are a Christian, have ever been mistaken for a serial killer and what their political opinions are? I do not believe that everyone I communicate with must be a Christian. If I meet someone and it doesn't work out because our faiths aren't aligned, I'd like to think we can still be friends. I don't send out a questionnaire before going out.

I posted because I needed 'helpful' advice...not 'well why would you blah blah in the first place.' having a coffee with a non-Christian.....oh how treacherous.

IF you are going out with men in order to one day meet a godly guy to marry, then yes, you do need to know if they are a believer before you start getting to know them. I know a lady who fell in love with a guy who wasnt a believer, and she had to make the heartbreaking decision to end their relationship becayse he wasnt interested in God.

A lady who used to come to this forum said that if you want to meet a godly guy, dont go looking in a bar. There are places where you will meet Christian guys, and there are places where you will meet non Christian guys. Do you have a good lively church where there are lots of young people? Do you mix with young Christians and have christian friends?

Having a coffee with a non Christian platonic friend is one thing, dating a guy who isnt a believer is another.

[Lively Stone]

It should be more than clear by the third date if that person is a true Christian or not, and why would you go out with someoene unless you knew they were a Christian to start with anyway? If they are unhappy about no sex then I would doubt they were following God.
As for abstinance, I think that dh and I knew more or less straight away that we were both very strong on no sex outside marriage.

This is why I avoid posting, because of self-righteous responses like this.

Chosenone is not being self-righteous. She is being righteous.

Sure! That is exactly what is.

Yes, and I hope you realize you were mischaracterizing the member you were addressing.

[DaveW]

Going on a date with someone for a coffee....hmm before I do that I should ask them if they are a Christian, have ever been mistaken for a serial killer and what their political opinions are?

If you count it as a date - then perhaps.  Going to have a coffee is not considered a date by many people.

But I would say that if the guy is a serial killer, he would not tell you that fact. (I have known 2 of them; one claimed to be a born again christian)

[Wycliffes_Shillelagh]

There's no way to sneak around the subject, and no substitute for meeting it head on.

As fassopony said - just say it forthrightly - and let the chips fall where they may.

Jarrod

[Man_Of_Honor]

Posted by: chosenone
« on: Today at 01:59:55 PM » Insert Quote

ChosenOne you said: "I cant agree. You cant say that all guys are the same. Many young Christian guys don't just have one thing on their mind."

I did not say all~I said boys have one thing on their mind, when alone with females.  Yes, there are some exceptions, but exceptions only prove that the rule STANDS!  Just because a young man professes to be a Christians, does not mean that they will not have strong desire to lay with a girl, when all alone and kissing and touching!  I am a man, and have talked to many young godly boys who will quick confess that it is not good to be alone with a female. 

I am not judging what other parents allow, but being a male, and knowing how we are effected greatly by sight, I know well what I am talking about.  Young girls must first experience sex before knowing the pleasure thereof, not so with males. Women in general are arouse more so by the way they are treated, and talked to them; not so with males~all sight, almost 100%.  I may be wrong a little about women, but not so with males, I have lived in a Male's body for sixty five years.

RB

Yes but you cant judge every man by what you are like red. Just as I cant assume that all women are the same as me in all ways. Having been out with different guys in the past, now happily married to my second husband, having a son, two step sons and two brothers, I can tell you that they are all VERY different. Some are very moral (like my husband) and some aren't. Some will take advantage and some would never ever do that.
You also cant speak as if its always the guys who are the 'baddies' and the women who are the 'poor little victims' who are taken advantage of. Many young women these days are just as bad, and will pressure the guys to do things, as well as wearing very immodest clothes which make it harder for the guys(yes Christian girls).

Amen!

[Kellywellydoodle]

Long time no post or read even.

Quick question, how do you broach the topic of abstinence when you meet someone? So say around the third date, how exactly do you let that person know that you are abstaining till marriage or trying to anyhow?

The assumptions here are that: 1) just saying you are a born again Christian isn't quite enough. 2) we are living in a time where it's standard to get jiggy before being married. 3) you haven't met said individual at the churches bake sale. 4) you are yet to have an in-depth conversation on faith/beliefs etc.

While I appreciate most responses, a 'why don't you just say it' or a 'I find it is best to find these things out before even going on a date' will not really help.

As always, many thank yous and such and such.

Hmm...I'm guessing from your question that you're probably going for someone that has different beliefs to you ie. thinks SBM is OK? It's a hard one to broach but I guess it's something I always try and get out as early as possible because if someone doesn't feel like I'm worth their time waiting or would try and persuade me to turn my back on what I believe is right then I don't think I'd want to be going on a date with them anyway. I think I usually kind of say I'm a born again Christian and I take my beliefs very seriously (and often guys will then ask about my views on SBM) and see what their response is. You might not like this but I'll say it anyway...IMO it's very difficult to make relationships work if you have different core values/beliefs (not impossible but difficult) and from experience...the person that doesn't believe in no SBM ends up resenting your faith even if externally they don't show it/it will just come out in arguments. Having been in relationships with both Christians and non-Christians...and having been in a loving relationship with a Christian for the last 6 years I definitely wouldn't go back!

There's no easy way to do it...you can't tiptoe around the subject you just have to explain as early on as possible and anyone worth your time will understand and respect you for it. I don't know if that helps at all...

[hanverum]

"we are living in a time where it's standard to get jiggy before being married"

And the Israelites were living in a time where people thought it was OK to have sex with animals... did that make it any less of an abomination? A true Christian would know there is no sex before marriage. I only came back to Christ a few months ago and even I know that! :)

[DaveW]

2) we are living in a time where it's standard to get jiggy before being married.

"Jiggy?"  what is that?

[AVZ]

Long time no post or read even.

Quick question, how do you broach the topic of abstinence when you meet someone? So say around the third date, how exactly do you let that person know that you are abstaining till marriage or trying to anyhow?

The assumptions here are that: 1) just saying you are a born again Christian isn't quite enough. 2) we are living in a time where it's standard to get jiggy before being married. 3) you haven't met said individual at the churches bake sale. 4) you are yet to have an in-depth conversation on faith/beliefs etc.

While I appreciate most responses, a 'why don't you just say it' or a 'I find it is best to find these things out before even going on a date' will not really help.

As always, many thank yous and such and such.

You can propose the next date to be on Sunday to go to church.
That should do te trick.

[chosenone]

2) we are living in a time where it's standard to get jiggy before being married.

"Jiggy?"  what is that?

I think he means having sex.

[LetTheLittleChildrenCome]

Showing respect is to each other is important. Abstinence is respect the person's honor and showing that true love waits...

[chosenone]

Showing respect is to each other is important. Abstinence is respect the person's honor and showing that true love waits...

Yes and its also what God tells us to do, and that hasn't changed just because societies morals have sunk so low.

[Crissyb]

Hello,,I would say pray about it & ask the Holy Spirit In the right direction remember relationships our not all about the sexual relationship either! During courtship find other ways to satisfy each other! Compliment each other! Get to know one another! Speak good things to one another! Pray together! & not trying to sound mean or self righteous! So forgive me in advance. but If he wants something 4rm you! Then he ought to be willing to give himself to you in marriage! You can love someone without being sexual! Go to events together & spend time together! I wish u all the best! & the choice Is ultimately yours! But I will leave you with this! Keep your head up & be encouraged! & know God is for you!23 & Christian & single!