Sinning brother-in-law

[DrT]

I have a brother-in-law that has 9 children.  He has been married 22 years, has been a Christian for years and years.  He has left his family, is now moving into a younger woman's home.  That woman is also married and has two young children.  He was confronted by family and pastor and he is telling everybody, "This lady is worth it."  He has made plans with this woman over the last three years to travel and make their own family.  Seeing his wife being SO broken, in a black hole and his children suffering from his decision (3 days ago) I am trying to figure out grace vs. continuing to call his sin sin.  He said, "I am not sinning."  He says, "I know there is a price and she's worth it."  I'd like to hear your thoughts on do we continue to try to bring him around or give him over to his hardened heart?  We need to support my sister-in-law and nieces and nephews  This is such a horrible situation!  Thank you for your thoughts.  I'm sure this is all jumbled up but I don't have time to review it.  Thank you

[HRoberson]

child support is gonna be about 4 grand a month. I hope she's worth it.

Grace is not the antithesis of pointing out sin. The two are not directly related. However, eventually you will have to let him do what he's going to do.

[chosenone]

Its always so tragic when this happens, and I will never understand how anyone can leave their spouse and children in such heartless and cruel and selfish way. He may well lose any sort of relationship with his children, especially if he goes travelling, and even worse he is diplaying total disobedience towards God. There will be severe consequences. HE may be living in complete denial, but of COURSE he is sinning, seriously sinning. Adultery is very serious in Gods eyes, and abandoning your wife and children also. However people can justify the worst things if they want to enough. I have nothing but contempt for those who can take away someone elses spouse and parent.

You do need to carry on standing firm against this serious sin while supporting the abandoned wife and kids. How this OW can live with herself stealing this man away from all those poor children I have no idea, I can only assume that she doesn't know God. You cant stop him from making this terrible decision, and it seems as if he has been seeing her for three years, planning it all, under everyones nose. So sad.

As HR says, he will be paying an awful lot of money to his wife for his 9 children for a long time, and rightly so, so I hope he earns a lot of money!Its hard to see how he will afford to support 11 children.

[Lively Stone]

The scriptures are clear as to what we do when we are confronted with a deceived brother in Christ who sins and is not repentant.

This man is guilty of many things, the most serious fallout being that his children will end up becoming disturbed emotionally. He is blind and proud and needs to be brought to repentance!

1 Corinthians 5 (NLT)

Paul Condemns Spiritual Pride

5 I can hardly believe the report about the sexual immorality going on among you—something that even pagans don't do. I am told that a man in your church is living in sin with his stepmother. 2 You are so proud of yourselves, but you should be mourning in sorrow and shame. And you should remove this man from your fellowship.

3 Even though I am not with you in person, I am with you in the Spirit. And as though I were there, I have already passed judgment on this man 4 in the name of the Lord Jesus. You must call a meeting of the church. I will be present with you in spirit, and so will the power of our Lord Jesus. 5 Then you must throw this man out and hand him over to Satan so that his sinful nature will be destroyed and he himself will be saved on the day the Lord returns.

6 Your boasting about this is terrible. Don't you realize that this sin is like a little yeast that spreads through the whole batch of dough? 7 Get rid of the old "yeast" by removing this wicked person from among you. Then you will be like a fresh batch of dough made without yeast, which is what you really are. Christ, our Passover Lamb, has been sacrificed for us. 8 So let us celebrate the festival, not with the old bread of wickedness and evil, but with the new bread of sincerity and truth.

9 When I wrote to you before, I told you not to associate with people who indulge in sexual sin. 10 But I wasn't talking about unbelievers who indulge in sexual sin, or are greedy, or cheat people, or worship idols. You would have to leave this world to avoid people like that. 11 I meant that you are not to associate with anyone who claims to be a believer yet indulges in sexual sin, or is greedy, or worships idols, or is abusive, or is a drunkard, or cheats people. Don't even eat with such people.

12 It isn't my responsibility to judge outsiders, but it certainly is your responsibility to judge those inside the church who are sinning. 13 God will judge those on the outside; but as the Scriptures say, "You must remove the evil person from among you."



This tough stance is important in order that the one who is being disciplined by the church will come to experience godly sorrow, that point at which he will repent and turn around, back to God...a life and other lives saved!

Paul writes about godly sorrow here in his letter of follow-up about teaching the Corinthian church to be tough...

2 Corinthians 7:8-11
8 I am not sorry that I sent that severe letter to you, though I was sorry at first, for I know it was painful to you for a little while. 9 Now I am glad I sent it, not because it hurt you, but because the pain caused you to repent and change your ways. It was the kind of sorrow God wants his people to have, so you were not harmed by us in any way. 10 For the kind of sorrow God wants us to experience leads us away from sin and results in salvation. There's no regret for that kind of sorrow. But worldly sorrow, which lacks repentance, results in spiritual death.

11 Just see what this godly sorrow produced in you! Such earnestness, such concern to clear yourselves, such indignation, such alarm, such longing to see me, such zeal, and such a readiness to punish wrong. You showed that you have done everything necessary to make things right.

[MeMyself]

He has clearly been given over to his depraved mind if he can do this and tell himself he is not sinning!  I will NEVER understand why some choose to be so incredibly self centered and hard hearted like this!!!

May God have mercy on him (and the other woman that refuses to do the right thing and get OUT of the way!!!), because there will come a day that accountability before the Lord will be required...

I am so sorry for his wife and children!

[DrT]

child support is gonna be about 4 grand a month. I hope she's worth it.

Grace is not the antithesis of pointing out sin. The two are not directly related. However, eventually you will have to let him do what he's going to do.

Hi H,

I agree with your point. We do need to let him do what he is doing but it boggles my mine at the blatant disregard of his family and his claim that he is not sinning.  He may be trying to convince himself.  God forgave sin but pointed out the error also.  I think that is the way to go.  Thanks

[DrT]

Its always so tragic when this happens, and I will never understand how anyone can leave their spouse and children in such heartless and cruel and selfish way. He may well lose any sort of relationship with his children, especially if he goes travelling, and even worse he is diplaying total disobedience towards God. There will be severe consequences. HE may be living in complete denial, but of COURSE he is sinning, seriously sinning. Adultery is very serious in Gods eyes, and abandoning your wife and children also. However people can justify the worst things if they want to enough. I have nothing but contempt for those who can take away someone elses spouse and parent.

You do need to carry on standing firm against this serious sin while supporting the abandoned wife and kids. How this OW can live with herself stealing this man away from all those poor children I have no idea, I can only assume that she doesn't know God. You cant stop him from making this terrible decision, and it seems as if he has been seeing her for three years, planning it all, under everyones nose. So sad.

As HR says, he will be paying an awful lot of money to his wife for his 9 children for a long time, and rightly so, so I hope he earns a lot of money!Its hard to see how he will afford to support 11 children.

Hi Chosen1,
Good word choice-Tragic.  It is that.  :( Heartless, cruel, selfish are also good descriptors.  That is what I said.  It IS sin.  He makes a lot of money and is now telling his wife's attorney she can have the house and I will keep the business.  (He is a partner in a CPA firm) and the house is upside-down about $150,000 on 30 acres donated to them by his wife's father.  More selfishness!  It sickens me.

[DrT]

The scriptures are clear as to what we do when we are confronted with a deceived brother in Christ who sins and is not repentant.

This man is guilty of many things, the most serious fallout being that his children will end up becoming disturbed emotionally. He is blind and proud and needs to be brought to repentance!

1 Corinthians 5 (NLT)

Paul Condemns Spiritual Pride

5 I can hardly believe the report about the sexual immorality going on among you—something that even pagans don't do. I am told that a man in your church is living in sin with his stepmother. 2 You are so proud of yourselves, but you should be mourning in sorrow and shame. And you should remove this man from your fellowship.

3 Even though I am not with you in person, I am with you in the Spirit. And as though I were there, I have already passed judgment on this man 4 in the name of the Lord Jesus. You must call a meeting of the church. I will be present with you in spirit, and so will the power of our Lord Jesus. 5 Then you must throw this man out and hand him over to Satan so that his sinful nature will be destroyed and he himself will be saved on the day the Lord returns.

6 Your boasting about this is terrible. Don't you realize that this sin is like a little yeast that spreads through the whole batch of dough? 7 Get rid of the old "yeast" by removing this wicked person from among you. Then you will be like a fresh batch of dough made without yeast, which is what you really are. Christ, our Passover Lamb, has been sacrificed for us. 8 So let us celebrate the festival, not with the old bread of wickedness and evil, but with the new bread of sincerity and truth.

9 When I wrote to you before, I told you not to associate with people who indulge in sexual sin. 10 But I wasn't talking about unbelievers who indulge in sexual sin, or are greedy, or cheat people, or worship idols. You would have to leave this world to avoid people like that. 11 I meant that you are not to associate with anyone who claims to be a believer yet indulges in sexual sin, or is greedy, or worships idols, or is abusive, or is a drunkard, or cheats people. Don't even eat with such people.

12 It isn't my responsibility to judge outsiders, but it certainly is your responsibility to judge those inside the church who are sinning. 13 God will judge those on the outside; but as the Scriptures say, "You must remove the evil person from among you."



This tough stance is important in order that the one who is being disciplined by the church will come to experience godly sorrow, that point at which he will repent and turn around, back to God...a life and other lives saved!

Paul writes about godly sorrow here in his letter of follow-up about teaching the Corinthian church to be tough...

2 Corinthians 7:8-11
8 I am not sorry that I sent that severe letter to you, though I was sorry at first, for I know it was painful to you for a little while. 9 Now I am glad I sent it, not because it hurt you, but because the pain caused you to repent and change your ways. It was the kind of sorrow God wants his people to have, so you were not harmed by us in any way. 10 For the kind of sorrow God wants us to experience leads us away from sin and results in salvation. There's no regret for that kind of sorrow. But worldly sorrow, which lacks repentance, results in spiritual death.

11 Just see what this godly sorrow produced in you! Such earnestness, such concern to clear yourselves, such indignation, such alarm, such longing to see me, such zeal, and such a readiness to punish wrong. You showed that you have done everything necessary to make things right.

Hi Lively Stone,

Thank you for all your great thoughts and correct scripture references.  I've been telling my wife these same things.  It hurts to see my wife's hurt over his decisions in all this and how my sister-in-law is suffering.  :(

[DrT]

He has clearly been given over to his depraved mind if he can do this and tell himself he is not sinning!  I will NEVER understand why some choose to be so incredibly self centered and hard hearted like this!!!

May God have mercy on him (and the other woman that refuses to do the right thing and get OUT of the way!!!), because there will come a day that accountability before the Lord will be required...

I am so sorry for his wife and children!

Hi MMS,
You are correct.  That girl is "filling a little guilty" my brother-in-law said.  "A LITTLE?"  I wonder what accountability will look like. 

[DrT]

My wife confronted him at his office with her sister who told him "I am willing for you to come back home.  You slept with another woman and I am still willing to take you back.  My brother in law told his wife, "We are done."  He told my wife, "I'm not moving in with Rita, I want to do it right with her."  How can he say that?  It is NOT right at all.   

[anx]

Realistically, there is nothing you can do. It was the right thing to confront him and I would follow through with the following

Matthew 18:15-17 NIV

"If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over.    But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be establish the testimony of two or three witnesses.'    If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

He has likely made up his mind and will use his free will to take this new path. It's unfortunate but the reality of marriage. Our spouse even if christian can do horrible things.

He will probably realize how dumb this all was decades too late. Until then he will lie to even himself.

Blessings and support the fallout from this the best you can. Make as much good happen in this dark situationI as popossible

[chosenone]

Its always so tragic when this happens, and I will never understand how anyone can leave their spouse and children in such heartless and cruel and selfish way. He may well lose any sort of relationship with his children, especially if he goes travelling, and even worse he is diplaying total disobedience towards God. There will be severe consequences. HE may be living in complete denial, but of COURSE he is sinning, seriously sinning. Adultery is very serious in Gods eyes, and abandoning your wife and children also. However people can justify the worst things if they want to enough. I have nothing but contempt for those who can take away someone elses spouse and parent.

You do need to carry on standing firm against this serious sin while supporting the abandoned wife and kids. How this OW can live with herself stealing this man away from all those poor children I have no idea, I can only assume that she doesn't know God. You cant stop him from making this terrible decision, and it seems as if he has been seeing her for three years, planning it all, under everyones nose. So sad.

As HR says, he will be paying an awful lot of money to his wife for his 9 children for a long time, and rightly so, so I hope he earns a lot of money!Its hard to see how he will afford to support 11 children.

Hi Chosen1,
Good word choice-Tragic.  It is that.  :( Heartless, cruel, selfish are also good descriptors.  That is what I said.  It IS sin.  He makes a lot of money and is now telling his wife's attorney she can have the house and I will keep the business.  (He is a partner in a CPA firm) and the house is upside-down about $150,000 on 30 acres donated to them by his wife's father.  More selfishness!  It sickens me.

He will also be giving her a lot of money for those kids for a long time. I hope she is getting a good lawyer. For him to let her have the house that her own father gave them is SOOO generous, not.

Yes selfishness is sickening, but sadly very common in some people, even in Christian marriages this happens(as my husband will tell you). His ex too was challenged by their pastor for divorcing him for no reason, but also rejected it.
Its highly unlikely that this new relationship/marriage will last, as few marriages which begin with lies, deception and adultery do, but thats for him and the OW to find out.

Is he intending to carry on seeing his children?(If they want to see him). Is this OW supposed to be a Christian?

I am glad that the OW feels a 'bit guilty', but cleary not guilty enough to have stopped the 3 year affair.

All that you can all do to to pray that He will see what he is doing,  and come to his senses. He may do one day, maybe not for years.

[DrT]

Yes she has a good attorney.  He is asking for all the little kids every weekend and worked it out with all issues he needs to give him the best deal and her with limited benefits.  He says, "She will have to work more."  She has been the stay at home mother for 17 years.  I'm saddened and disappointed.  :(  My children are learning from my example of how to treat women and respect you wife. 

[DrT]

Realistically, there is nothing you can do. It was the right thing to confront him and I would follow through with the following

Matthew 18:15-17 NIV

"If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over.    But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be establish the testimony of two or three witnesses.'    If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

He has likely made up his mind and will use his free will to take this new path. It's unfortunate but the reality of marriage. Our spouse even if christian can do horrible things.

He will probably realize how dumb this all was decades too late. Until then he will lie to even himself.

Blessings and support the fallout from this the best you can. Make as much good happen in this dark situationI as popossible

That is what we are doing.  You are right.  Sadly decades later.. :(

[chosenone]

Yes she has a good attorney.  He is asking for all the little kids every weekend and worked it out with all issues he needs to give him the best deal and her with limited benefits.  He says, "She will have to work more."  She has been the stay at home mother for 17 years.  I'm saddened and disappointed.  :(  My children are learning from my example of how to treat women and respect you wife. 

How is she supposed to work outside the home with 9 children? Apart from the sheer hard work of all the child care and washing and ironing and cleaning and cooking etc the costs for any outside child care alone would be far far more than she could earn!!!!He will need to pay a lot for 9 dependant kids I am sure. I hope it will be enough for them to live on till the little ones are older.

[DaveW]

He told my wife, "I'm not moving in with Rita, I want to do it right with her."  How can he say that?  It is NOT right at all. 

Of course it is not right. 
But he is totally deluded and blind to what the truth is concerning his already existing marriage.

He is thinking with his hormones instead of his head.

[chosenone]

If I were the wife, I would make sure that he is not allowed to introduce the children to the other woman ever. Do the older kids want anything to do with him after he has abandoned them?
Sort of bizarre that he is wanting to do things 'right' with the OW, and yet is doing everything wrong with his own family.  How are your wifes family dealing with this? 

Has anyone been to see the OW and challenged her on her behaviour?

[anx]

I agree, challenging the OW is definitely worth the effort if you haven't. Although it sounds like his heart is hardened to all of this, she may not be so numb to it when challenged.

[DrT]

How is she supposed to work outside the home with 9 children? Apart from the sheer hard work of all the child care and washing and ironing and cleaning and cooking etc the costs for any outside child care alone would be far far more than she could earn!!!!He will need to pay a lot for 9 dependant kids I am sure. I hope it will be enough for them to live on till the little ones are older.

You're right,  His selfishness seems to know no bounds.  :(  It greaves me that he is an example of what a Christian man is doing.  He has a 13 year old son (same age as my eldest) and I plan to spend much more time with him to show him a different way of life between a husband and wife. 

[DrT]

He told my wife, "I'm not moving in with Rita, I want to do it right with her."  How can he say that?  It is NOT right at all. 

Of course it is not right. 
But he is totally deluded and blind to what the truth is concerning his already existing marriage.

He is thinking with his hormones instead of his head.

Hi Dave,

I'm glad I'm here.  I keep reading everybody's posts and seeing how I use the exact same words to describe where I am coming from this this despicable act.  I know I've said this already but "He watched his wife breakdown on the floor, sob and writhe in heart break in front of him at least two times and still he shows nothing.  :(  He is thinking with his hormones Dave not his commitment, not his vow to remain faithful, his Christian ethics and it both angers and saddens me. 

[DrT]

If I were the wife, I would make sure that he is not allowed to introduce the children to the other woman ever. Do the older kids want anything to do with him after he has abandoned them?
Sort of bizarre that he is wanting to do things 'right' with the OW, and yet is doing everything wrong with his own family.  How are your wifes family dealing with this? 

Has anyone been to see the OW and challenged her on her behaviour?

@ chosen, his older children, 17, 15, 13, 10, and 7 want nothing to do with him.  He, Clay is his name, went to their home and his 13 year old refused to see him, the younger kids do not really understand what is happening, he has not been around much and just think, "Oh, daddy is gone as usual" and probably think he's at work but the older kids do not want to visit him when he moves into his new house (whenever that happens) or go to interact with Rita at all.  My wife's family are all strong Christians, have brought him back into their home after he said, "I'm not sure if I want to come back home" and left his wife all all their children in CO and my wife needed to fly to CO and drive her sister and all the kids back to CA.  We all welcomed Clay back, prayed over him and his wife, got him involved in a bible study, accountability with other men, couples counseling from a Christian therapist, did not push him, and supported him, had him fire Rita from his practice, he got rid of his phone texting (that was how he and Rita often communicated) and again when the kids and his wife went to science camp he left and went to Rita's place, Rita and her husband broke up, and now Clay is asking to save as much money as he can, trying to work it out so my sister-in-law has the kids M-F and Clay has the little ones (including the baby that nurses) and just wants to "do it right with Rita." The rest of the family found where Rita lives, (we live in a small town) my father in law and their pastor when to RIta's house and Clay said, "We are having an affair.  Yes, I slept with her and it was good. and I understand there are consequences but I'm willing to do it-she is worth it."  When Clay was told, "What about the kids and what is doing to them, have you thought of you children's salvation?  He said, "Yes I did.  They will be fine.  There are consequences but she's worth it." 

Sort of bizarre that he is wanting to do things 'right' with the OW, and yet is doing everything wrong with his own family.  How are your wifes family dealing with this? 

Has anyone been to see the OW and challenged her on her behaviour?

I know!  "dong it right" hmmmm  I wondered the exact same thing, "look at what you are doing to your family and do what is right!"

My SIL wrote a great letter about each child, the plans for being together through  the years, taking kids to college, walking daughters down the isle at their weddings, holding their grandchildren, etc. and my other sister in law took it too Rita.  we will see what happens with that. 

[DrT]

Rita is not a Christian, they plan to travel to Italy soon, want to move out of town, and last night Clay went to their house to see the kids, wants all the soccer, dance, harp, and piano lessons schedules, and was angry his 3 soon to be 4 year old said, "You don't love mommy anymore" to his dad and he growled at his wife saying, "Oh so now that's how it is going to be?  You are telling him I do not love you!"  No the fact his, Clay said he d"id not love her anymore" in front of all the children.   

[chosenone]

Rita is not a Christian, they plan to travel to Italy soon, want to move out of town, and last night Clay went to their house to see the kids, wants all the soccer, dance, harp, and piano lessons schedules, and was angry his 3 soon to be 4 year old said, "You don't love mommy anymore" to his dad and he growled at his wife saying, "Oh so now that's how it is going to be?  You are telling him I do not love you!"  No the fact his, Clay said he d"id not love her anymore" in front of all the children.   

Even though Rita isn't a Christian, has anyone tried so speak to her about what they are doing? On her own I mean?

If they are travelling and moving away, how will he see the children at weekends? How will the OW's kids see their dad as well?


Its tragic to think he is prepeared to risk loosing his whole family, all his kids, his wider family and a large part of his money, for this one non Christian lady who has no morals values or integrity, and isn't worried about stealing another woman's husband, and 9 children's father. He may even loose his salvation if he doesn't repent.

I think his wife needs to do all she can to delay the divorce for as long as she is able with the laws there. A long delay may make him think again. What grounds is he giving anyway?

I feel your frustration and pain for the family. The same thing has happened to three marriages in my own family, all caused by affairs with work colleagues. Its so terrible. I think its the out and out selfishness of the two of them that gets me, they care nothing for their children's suffering whatsever. Its all about me me me.

Of course they will both regret it, and there will be dire consequences. Apart from anything, relationships that start with affairs rarely last for obvious reasons.  The novelty will wear off and the excitement will fade, and REAL life will take over, along with dealing with kids who resent you, a very hurt ex wife (and a very hurt ex husband) and the guilt and shame which hopefully they will eventually feel.
It must be horrible for your wife as well if it is her brother who is doing this.

[DrT]

Hi Chosen,

The attorney told them"I'm not telling anybody not to approach the woman but I do advice against making anything worse.  Do not damage any of this things."  My sister-in-law did write that letter to Rita. 

[MeMyself]

This is just heart wrenching!  I can't believe how cruel he is being...

My heart breaks for his poor family and his wife..

I am afraid for him, there is so much he will be accountable for.

[DrT]

Hello all,

I'm really struggling with this.  A man, reportedly Christian man, willfully sinning, watching the pain in the family, questioning "How is this happening?"  My wife is asking, "How can God allow this and not do something and know Andrea (her sister) is in this much pain?"  We are humans, sinful and do not follow God as we ought to but what is to be learned in all this?  My S-I-L is feeling alone, in the depths of sorrow, needing to give up her life to a man that has not been faithful, the children are hurting, her husband when to a child psychologist who told him not to force himself on the kids and give them room but it is important for him to help with homeschooling so instead of his wife who has been the teacher for grades K-12 (her oldest is a senior) to all of a sudden my B-I-L will be teaching them two days a week, many of the kids have told him "I don't want to see you" but it will be the law soon.  Where is this taking their children?  How are they to take their father's example and a recent letter that told all the kids, "We will get through this, we will make many great memories still" and something about focusing on God."  How can he say these things, force the kids to be with him, where does forgiveness come in, where is grace?  Where is holding him accountable for his actions come in? How is this possible to see his wife in agony and still chose sin?  I'm just angry and confused.  :(   

[anx]

Again, I think this is an unfortunate result of free will. God doesn't stop us from doing as we please. There will be real consequences for him to live through like the relationship with his children and whatever else comes from this new relationship.

This is the reason that such a big deal is made of marriage in Christianity, and the vows we take in marriage are very serious.

Forgiveness on your families part is giving up your will to harm this man. You all will never forget this and forgiveness will not make it better. Forgiveness will give you all peace in this time instead of a festering anger that can haunt the rest of your life. I have seen an unforgiving wife that was tossed aside by her husband. Decades later the grudge took an enormous toll on her health and happiness.

As for accountability, all you can do is bring this up to the church/your pastor. The rest is up to God. Nothing you can do past Mathew 18 will help anyone.

I went through a personal marriage crisis and found myself reading James several times. I very much suggest you read the entire book (it's short). One of the biggest lessons I learned in my struggle was where your heart needs to be. If your heart is in this world, it will be broken and shattered by the realities of this word. If your heart and perspective is outside this word, you can find peace knowing that there something outer than this harsh reality. Perseverance through this trial will set your heart even more firmly on God.

I don't mean to say that this mess won't be painful, but instead with forgiveness and a heart pointed toward God, it's possible to like the next several decades in peace (along with scars) rather than with festering malice and hate.

James
2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. 6 But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7 That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. 8 Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.

9 Believers in humble circumstances ought to take pride in their high position. 10 But the rich should take pride in their humiliation—since they will pass away like a wild flower. 11 For the sun rises with scorching heat and withers the plant; its blossom falls and its beauty is destroyed. In the same way, the rich will fade away even while they go about their business.

12 Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.

13 When tempted, no one should say, "God is tempting me." For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; 14 but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. 15 Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.

16 Don't be deceived, my dear brothers and sisters. 17 Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. 18 He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all he created.

[chosenone]

What does your wife expect God to do? This man has chosen evil over good, the wide path instead of the narrow path, and unless God is going to take away our free will, there will be always be horrible consequences for adultery and similar.That's why God speaks so strongly against it. This man is deluded, and blinded by satan.
IF I were the mother I would send the older children to a school, so they they are not forced to see a man who they don't want to see. Children do very well at school and they may benefit from mixing with other kids as well, especially those who have been through similar (of which there are many).This would also take the pressure off her, so that she can look after the small ones.

Some of us here have been through similar situations, and its awful, but in time it does get less painful and you just carry on. Your SIL is blessed to have a supportive close family, many don't. I know so many families where this has happened, (both of my brothers wives left him for another man), and yes its horrible, messy and traumatic. The extreme selfishness of two people can deeply damage many lives.
They will reap what they sow, their relationship almost certainly wont last, he is even risking his salvation, but you will all need to leave that to God.

[TJW]

They will reap what they sow, their relationship almost certainly wont last

The odds are overwhelming against it.  There can't possibly be any trust between these people.  Both of them have demonstrated irrefutably  that marriage means nothing to them.

[DrT]

Agreed, agreed and agreed.  Thank you anx, chosen and TJW.  I've told the family, my wife included, the same things.  We do have free will.  God created  and allows free will.  Satan is out to destroy, and I was having difficulty watching my wife break down because of her sister's pain, and all the rest of the above.  She wants it all to end.  It is a grief/loss issues and can get easier.  They cannot live a peaceful life with all the distrust that began that relationship and it is very hard to see her husband trying all he can to have the kids more for the purpose of cutting back on finances.  :(  It is what it is, it is not good.  Sin is horrible.  When God tells us "Do not commit adultery" it is kind of like "Don't hurt yourself by doing X."  God knows what He is doing.  I hear what you are saying about other kids experienced similar issues at school but I highly doubt she will send them to public school in this small town. 

[TJW]

Sin is horrible.  When God tells us "Do not commit adultery" it is kind of like "Don't hurt yourself by doing X." 

Yes.  Exactly.  And, "don't hurt others by doing X".

All of God's laws are exactly that.  For our protection, and the protection of others, from hurt.  He gave them so we could have a good and joyful
life free from these things.

It's so sad to hear of something like this, and to see how many innocent people get hurt in its wake.

[chosenone]

Agreed, agreed and agreed.  Thank you anx, chosen and TJW.  I've told the family, my wife included, the same things.  We do have free will.  God created  and allows free will.  Satan is out to destroy, and I was having difficulty watching my wife break down because of her sister's pain, and all the rest of the above.  She wants it all to end.  It is a grief/loss issues and can get easier.  They cannot live a peaceful life with all the distrust that began that relationship and it is very hard to see her husband trying all he can to have the kids more for the purpose of cutting back on finances.  :(  It is what it is, it is not good.  Sin is horrible.  When God tells us "Do not commit adultery" it is kind of like "Don't hurt yourself by doing X."  God knows what He is doing.  I hear what you are saying about other kids experienced similar issues at school but I highly doubt she will send them to public school in this small town. 

Why is that?

How can their dad home school them if he is working? Also arent he and the OW planning to go abroad?

[HannahT]

DrT:

I'm so sorry about your families grief.

The doctor tells him to leave them be, and allow them their own space so they can come to terms with what happened.

Now he wants to home school them for 2 days a week so he can count that towards his time with them - so he can lower his support payment.  Is that what you are saying?

Sadly, children do catch on to that.  Additionally, court systems seem to feel its acceptable.  They don't see the 'being used' part, but quality time with the parent.  The court system is a bit screwy, and people have been screaming for it to be reformed for years.  There just is no common sense to it.  Little time is devoted to decisions, because the resources just aren't there.  Everyone suffers in the end it seems.

From what I read (every area is a bit different) children of a certain age do have some power over how they want to spend time with the other parent.  Some places start at 13 - other areas are older.  I know that won't stop it from happening with the younger children, but its a start.   Your SIL needs to think of his contributions towards college, and extra's such as sports, theater, etc.  How their schedule must take priority over the parent's.  Otherwise, they will do without those extras completely.  They tend to do the scheduling part - overriding the parent's - due to the fact those schedules are fixed.   The children have to have the courage to speak for themselves, and some won't have that courage - due to feeling they are in middle of this mess.  Can't blame them there!  They want to love and please both adults even though they truly have no clue overall as to the dynamics - as it should in some realms.

You have to wonder HOW he can afford losing two full days of work each week to home school.  I mean is he planning on doing it in the evening?

I would hope that 'home schooling' part eats up some of his intimate times with his 'friend', and helps him to come to his senses.  Although at this point he has caused a ton of damage already.

Keep in mind it may not seem like it now, but your strength during this time helps everyone.

[DrT]

Sin is horrible.  When God tells us "Do not commit adultery" it is kind of like "Don't hurt yourself by doing X." 

Yes.  Exactly.  And, "don't hurt others by doing X".

All of God's laws are exactly that.  For our protection, and the protection of others, from hurt.  He gave them so we could have a good and joyful
life free from these things.

It's so sad to hear of something like this, and to see how many innocent people get hurt in its wake.

Yes, see?  God knows and means what He says.  We have the warnings in scripture.  My BIL seeds to return to the truth and see what he is doing.  Too bad it is too late for some of the pain.  My SIL was again tormented, saw her husband that asked for the truck and has been telling people in the community, "This is only a temporary separation" so she asked him "Is this temporary?"  He said "No."  She turned white, walked like a zombie back into her house, walked past the kids trying to go up to her room without the kids seeing her suffer but the kids all saw and were crying, quiet, and angry.   

[DrT]

Agreed, agreed and agreed.  Thank you anx, chosen and TJW.  I've told the family, my wife included, the same things.  We do have free will.  God created  and allows free will.  Satan is out to destroy, and I was having difficulty watching my wife break down because of her sister's pain, and all the rest of the above.  She wants it all to end.  It is a grief/loss issues and can get easier.  They cannot live a peaceful life with all the distrust that began that relationship and it is very hard to see her husband trying all he can to have the kids more for the purpose of cutting back on finances.  :(  It is what it is, it is not good.  Sin is horrible.  When God tells us "Do not commit adultery" it is kind of like "Don't hurt yourself by doing X."  God knows what He is doing.  I hear what you are saying about other kids experienced similar issues at school but I highly doubt she will send them to public school in this small town. 

Why is that?

How can their dad home school them if he is working? Also arent he and the OW planning to go abroad?

My SIL has been very active in home educating.  She is an extremist with regards to home schooling and thinks sending them to public school is subpar.  He says he will homeschool 2 days a week by taking off Sundays and Mondays to homeschool.  They are going on vacation in Italy soon.  He just got a "$30,000 draw" which is a bonus for tax time and will get another $30,000 draw in one month.  He is planning on not claiming it as income but as something else so he does not need to pay any of that to his wife in his mind.  The attorney said to keep everything she has right now like the truck, the tools, etc. and let the court decide who gets what.  My BIL has really done his research before making his decision about the financial consequences and is trying to work around things.  My SIL told/asked him "I am your wife still and I should have some say about things" and told him again, "I forgive you, come back home."  He said, "No."  That is when she went into her house like a zombie.  :(  Please pray for this family.  Thank you