Wife never wants to have sex

[Sockpunch01]

I am hoping someone out there has some good Christian advice. We have been married for 2 years now and our sex life is down to nothing. We are still in our 20s and this is the neither of us had previous relationships.  At first, things were great. She could hardly keep her hands off me when we were dating and it was hard to wait but we did. The first 2 months of marriage were great but then it started going downhill as far as the sex life. She has tried all sorts of pills and nothing gets her interested. It's been 3 months now since we've had sex and it's become a sore topic to talk about because she doesn't want to talk about it. It upsets her and makes her feel inadequate which I don't want. The act of sex when we do do it hurts her and she has never orgasmed in her life. Her gyno has told her he can't find any reason for it so she thinks it's ok. She has even tried to tell me it's normal to have sex this often. Meanwhile I hear the opposite from anyone else. It doesn't matter what I do she doesn't get in the mood.  Then when she tries to do something it's out of pity for me and just hurts her and that's a major turn off. When I don't seem
excited about hurting her she feels like even when she tries she fails. It's just a vicious cycle. She hates going to the doctor about it and keeps saying she's trying and I know she is but at this point I've been patient for almost 2 years and it's very frustrating. This can't be normal! If I have left anything out just ask. There has got to be a way to fix this!!

[k-pappy]

If it is painful for her, than that is probably why she is not in the mood.  I would be patient with her and encourage her to keep seeing a doctor...maybe even a specialist.  It is not supposed to hurt and if it is, something is wrong.  I know it is frustrating, but try to approach the situation in such a way that you want to prevent her pain.  Try not be adversarial about it.  Encourage her to go to the doctor, not so that you can have sex, but so that you can free her from her pain.  Encourage her to not give up, but to find what is causing the pain so that she can get it fixed.  Try to forget about the sex angle all together and make it all about her well being.  That will help reduce your frustration and will bring the two of you closer together.

[johndoo]

You need a sex therapist and if you are in an urban area, it would help to go to multi-disciplinary sex  clinic.  Like the other poster said, as long as there is pain, there is a big obstacle. 
Sex doesn't have to include intercourse all the time.
A Christian marriage counselor may be helpful to help her understand needs and expectations in marriage.
It is important to be aggressive to correct this type of thing as soon as possible.
Reiterate that you are committed to meeting her needs and keeping the marriage strong.

[DaveW]

Have you tried other sexual acts other than intercourse like manual stimulation or oral?

It is likely once she has had a few orgasms without the pain that her attitude will change.  Maybe a LOT.


Question: what kind of sexual messages did she get growing up?  Were they overly negative - "just say no" kinda thing? What was she told about masturbation?

[Red Baker]

I am hoping someone out there has some good Christian advice. We have been married for 2 years now and our sex life is down to nothing. We are still in our 20s and this is the neither of us had previous relationships.  At first, things were great. She could hardly keep her hands off me when we were dating and it was hard to wait but we did. The first 2 months of marriage were great but then it started going downhill as far as the sex life. She has tried all sorts of pills and nothing gets her interested. It's been 3 months now since we've had sex and it's become a sore topic to talk about because she doesn't want to talk about it. It upsets her and makes her feel inadequate which I don't want. The act of sex when we do do it hurts her and she has never orgasmed in her life. Her gyno has told her he can't find any reason for it so she thinks it's ok. She has even tried to tell me it's normal to have sex this often. Meanwhile I hear the opposite from anyone else. It doesn't matter what I do she doesn't get in the mood.  Then when she tries to do something it's out of pity for me and just hurts her and that's a major turn off. When I don't seem
excited about hurting her she feels like even when she tries she fails. It's just a vicious cycle. She hates going to the doctor about it and keeps saying she's trying and I know she is but at this point I've been patient for almost 2 years and it's very frustrating. This can't be normal! If I have left anything out just ask. There has got to be a way to fix this!!

It is certainly not normal.  How do you treat your wife over all?  Are you nice to her.  Speak softly to her. Do you treat her like she is the most important person in your life? And she should be.  Women response sexually by the way you treat them, generally.  Do you do things to get her into the mood of sex?  Are you just a young rabbit looking for relief?  I first would look to myself, then seek to help her.  A good woman will wear you out, if you treat them like a princess. 

RB

[Ben]

My first wife's vagina was apparantly very shallow because when I fully inserted my penis into her I felt the tip of it hitting something inside and she said it hurt.  This has never happened with my second wife.

Ben

[Sockpunch01]

I have been encouraging her to go to a doctor but she begs me not to have to go unless it's her scheduled yearly appointment. I had to twist her arm to let me come with her last year. I have done my best to do things nice for her and that makes no difference. In fact, she has said she sometimes wonders if I'm doing things to be nice or to try to get her in the mood. It's a lose lose situation sometimes. To answer one of the questions above, she grew up in an strong Christian household.  Sex was for marriage only and she was never comfortable with masturbation.  I really think there has to be some help out there but getting her comfortable with pursuing it is the hard part.  Any advice would be appreciated.

[johndoo]

Regarding getting comfortable with the topic, if she isn't willing to go to a sex therapist, start with a Christian marriage therapist.  These people talk about sex every day within the context of Christian marriage. One of the jobs of a therapist is to normalize problems.  Problems with sex in marriage are common.  Lots of women have pelvic pain, pain with intercourse, or dislike sex.  Some women are asexual.  It is a place to start.  This helps her understand she isn't alone and there are safe, appropriate places to talk about it.
  From there you can talk about a plan or other resources.

[Wycliffes_Shillelagh]

The equipment tightens up when not used regularly, and then there's pain.  Regular use should cause it to loosen up to accommodate your size.  So, ironically, the solution to the pain is 'do it more.'  You may also wish to invest in (good) lubricant, if you are not already. 

And, as Dave said, you may wish to experiment with some non-penetrative methods to bring her off.

Jarrod

[JohnDB70X7]

My usual advice to husbands on this topic is "stop being a jerk!" Then she might consider doing the deed with you... 

But clearly this is not the case with the OP (original poster).

This could be an emotional barrier, meaning you must investigate (I'd recommend with a Christian psychologist) what could be causing this.

It doesn't necessarily have to be a case where somebody in her past messed with her sexually... it could be an over zealous parent trying to stave off the urges of youth to wait until marriage to have sex and they go a bit overboard and deep within her psyche she remembers how mommy or daddy said she would be a bad girl if she did these things... and when you got married, she did not know how to shut the switch off on that memory (if she's even consciously aware of it).

We human beings are complicated critters. And psychological pain can manifest as physical pain. 

[erfmasn]

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[Reverend M]

I am hoping someone out there has some good Christian advice. We have been married for 2 years now and our sex life is down to nothing. We are still in our 20s and this is the neither of us had previous relationships.  At first, things were great. She could hardly keep her hands off me when we were dating and it was hard to wait but we did. The first 2 months of marriage were great but then it started going downhill as far as the sex life. She has tried all sorts of pills and nothing gets her interested. It's been 3 months now since we've had sex and it's become a sore topic to talk about because she doesn't want to talk about it. It upsets her and makes her feel inadequate which I don't want. The act of sex when we do do it hurts her and she has never orgasmed in her life. Her gyno has told her he can't find any reason for it so she thinks it's ok. She has even tried to tell me it's normal to have sex this often. Meanwhile I hear the opposite from anyone else. It doesn't matter what I do she doesn't get in the mood.  Then when she tries to do something it's out of pity for me and just hurts her and that's a major turn off. When I don't seem
excited about hurting her she feels like even when she tries she fails. It's just a vicious cycle. She hates going to the doctor about it and keeps saying she's trying and I know she is but at this point I've been patient for almost 2 years and it's very frustrating. This can't be normal! If I have left anything out just ask. There has got to be a way to fix this!!

Dude, this sounds like your problem. Get this book and read it.

http://www.amazon.com/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring/dp/0060538260

It sounds to me like you two got off to a rough start and you need to hit the reset button. There is a part in the book that gives a statistic for the number of women who don't orgasm the usual way, and I don't remember what it is but it's in the majority. Women who don't orgasm probably don't have that good a time, unless they have psychological problems, which is another matter. 

Good luck. One thing I can tell you for sure is that tenderness, touching, holding, and cuddling goes a long way to removing anxiety.

[Barnabas93]

I am no expert (I am not married). But, I have been a Christian since I was 18 (I am 57 now).

How is your fellowship at Church? Do both of you go? When I was in the small group setting
we could open up about things, especially as individuals, after the meeting.

My prayer life is difficult when I am praying for someone that is battling a sexual issue because
it is hard to separate the person I know from the battle they are waging. James said to be careful
lest the one that is praying be tempted too.

All I can really recommend is that both of you get back to prayer for each other and drink deeply
from the Holy Spirit in His Word.

[Link]

Here are some ideas.  Lots of foreplay and lube.  Take a really long time.  Suggest having some 'play' without 'going all the way'. 

[DaveW]

It sounds to me like there either;

A) have been abuse issues  and/or

B) she has received a LOT of very negative sexual messages from church and family.

In either case she needs counseling by a qualified christian sexual counselor.

[JohnDB70X7]

2 years = time of adjustment.

Give it time.

It's unsettling to most to discover what marriage truly is and what it is not.