9 years married and want to get a divorce

[ImMe1985]

Sorry in advance for the lengthiness of this.
Back Ground- I married my husband at 19 (he was 21). I grew up a Christian and backslid when I moved out (17, joined the military). Dated 6months (partied during that time) did a Courthouse type of marriage ***Is this your name? Sign here*** then we were married. 3 days after marriage I found out I was pregnant and then I decided to rededicate my life back to God. He was not saved, never knew God nor brought up with God apart of his life. Things were anything BUT a happy marriage. Years past we "existed" together as I raised our child and he lived for himself. Things got good for a couple months, he convinced me he would change and then I got pregnant again and then I was what you called "married living single with 2 kids." He once again became the center of "his" attention no regard for his wife or kids. He would always say he was a good father and husband because he came home every night and brought home his check. He does nothing with our kids (now 8,3). Has no relationship with them or me. We exist more as business partners. On top of the sheer existing with one another, he tends to be very degrading. Over time I learned to live, deal with and fend for myself and my kids. I learned to support, encourage and love myself because when I would seek have him help, love, understand, encourage, father or anything there was some excuse as to why he didn't need to, didn't know how to, didn't want to and was not his responsibility to. Last year he took a job that caused us to be geographically separated and I begin to get this peace, confidence, happiness I NEVER felt. I was use to doing everything by myself with my kids and every time he would visit he just went on in that belittling, crude manner towards me. Always putting me down and making me cry. I would say, my heart begin to harden since his new job. It was like I couldn't see the forest for the trees and was able to have this independence, happiness, peace that I would otherwise have with him.

I told him recently, I want a divorce. My kids only know that he is their father, but have absolutely NO kind of relationship about him. He is still geographically gone with his job however, since I asked for a divorce the last 2 weeks he has begged me to stay and that he has changed and NOW he is seeking God and going to be a husband, friend and father. Problem is, I told him that I don't want it anymore. I begged, cried, and pleaded prayed, fasted for him to be there for me as a husband and be there for his kids. He would always tell me "You love God to much to EVER leave me." I see all that was taking me for granted. I know I have no justifiable reason according to Gods word to divorce. I look like I am in 28 and I don't want to live a loveless life for another decade. I know God can change things, I just no longer care to want to try or see it work. I wanted it for soo long, loving with nothing in return and now my heart is hard and I don't want him.
Any advice please.

THANKS

[anx]

My advise to you is that it is possible for things to get better if
1) he actually changes
2) he stays committed to God, changing, becoming a good christian, etc over the long term
3) you would SLOWLY rebuild a relationship with the new him, things continue to progress well.
4) you have 1-3 years to find forgiveness, heal, and build an amount of trust

Neither you or him are ready to have anything that looks like a healthy relationship. He needs time to either become christian and change or show that this isn't something real and ditch it. You need time to see that this is real, and even think about making a new relationship with him.

My advise to you is to stay clear that you aren't interested in staying together NOW. I think you should consider the option of making a new relationship if he becomes a new man. The time frame for that is 1-3 years, and would take a serious amount of counseling, time for both of you to spend in your faith for him to become a new man and you to find forgiveness and love, and will be a rocky and hard path. The easiest path is to leave. I think the right path may be to take the hard path and see if a new relationship is possible.

You likely aren't interested in counseling NOW either. Again however, given time to heal and see if he is a new man can soften your heart with time.

Blessings

[mommydi]

My advise to you is that it is possible for things to get better if
1) he actually changes
2) he stays committed to God, changing, becoming a good christian, etc over the long term
3) you would SLOWLY rebuild a relationship with the new him, things continue to progress well.
4) you have 1-3 years to find forgiveness, heal, and build an amount of trust

Neither you or him are ready to have anything that looks like a healthy relationship. He needs time to either become christian and change or show that this isn't something real and ditch it. You need time to see that this is real, and even think about making a new relationship with him.

My advise to you is to stay clear that you aren't interested in staying together NOW. I think you should consider the option of making a new relationship if he becomes a new man. The time frame for that is 1-3 years, and would take a serious amount of counseling, time for both of you to spend in your faith for him to become a new man and you to find forgiveness and love, and will be a rocky and hard path. The easiest path is to leave. I think the right path may be to take the hard path and see if a new relationship is possible.

You likely aren't interested in counseling NOW either. Again however, given time to heal and see if he is a new man can soften your heart with time.

Blessings

This is very interesting. Why do you tell her to give it 1-3 years? I'm not saying you're wrong at all, just wondering about where you get the 1-3 year time period for resolving these issues? 

[MeMyself]

I know God can change things, I just no longer care to want to try or see it work. I wanted it for soo long, loving with nothing in return and now my heart is hard and I don't want him.

Oh, gosh, I understand.  I SO understand!  Really I do...

I've been there.  Here is the thing.  God keeps calling me back from the hardness of my heart to the promise I made to Him.  Even if your marriage wasn't church affiliated, or you weren't walking with God at the time of your vows, you still made them.  I encourage you to PRAY PRAY PRAY for wisdom in this.  I encourage you to pour your heart out to God about how SICK of it all that you are and that you feel dead inside about it all...and then, ask Him what He wants for you. Ask Him to change in you what He wants changed and then pray about what you hoped marriage would be and ask Him to restore what the locust have eaten.

I would lay down very firm and easy to understand boundaries with your husband.
Tell him what you will and will not tolerate to stay and make it work.

Try to catch him doing the right things and FORCE yourself to praise him for those things, affirming him and the power he has to make your family a wonderful safe inviting place.

Pray and pray and pray some more.  Its what I have done...and God is moving and working, healing and growing us still. We have been married over 20 years.  Hard, bad, horrible, good, peaceful, loving, crazy, hard, happy, fun, trying years...but I am glad we've stuck it out.  Our kids need their daddy, I need my husband and he needs us.

God bless you.

[anx]

My own story is on these forums and took 2 years. My wife never asked for a divorce, but certainly wasn't interested in being married to me. Serious change takes serious time. If her husband truly  changed, it would take 1 to 3 years for that to really become part of him and for her to soften her heart towards who he once was and want a relationship with the new him.

[chosenone]

At last God is answering your prayers so don't give up now. Your husband is seeking God now despite the fact that it took you wanting a divorce to bring him that that point. Hallelujah, NOW things can change.
I would say to him that you want the both of you to attend church,(he can go where he is working when he is away), and to attend long term Christian marriage counselling together when he is home.. Also state any other stipulations that you have for this marriage to carry on, but be realistic because change takes time.

You really have no Biblical reason to divorce this man who you made vows to. It doesn't matter at all how when or where you married, you are married. At 21 few men are anywhere near mature enough to marry let alone have kids, and he clearly wasn't ready, but I think this is all very encouraging. God is in the restoration business, and your husbands relationships with this children can also be restored if you hang on in there. The shock of possibly loosing his family may have just been enough for him to want to change.

[TJW]

he didn't need to, didn't know how to, didn't want to and was not his responsibility to.

My sister, your husband is not the only man who believes this.  All people naturally gravitate toward the situations and scenarios where they are most competent.
They do this because it is "where" they get their needs met the most.

I can remember what it was like for me in my 20s, being married with two kids.  I didn't have the foggiest notion of how to meet my wife's needs, or even what my wife's needs were.  I also grew up with a dad who had the same idea as your husband.

I once read about this, cannot remember the author:

People have 3 needs:

LOVE
SECURITY
SIGNIFICANCE

Both men and women need love.
Women need security a lot more than significance.
Men need significance a lot more than security.

[ImMe1985]

anx,

Thank you for your reply. I know that change is very much possible. My only issue is I no longer care to see the change and don't know any way to press foward with him. When you said 1-3 years my eyes got big because the thought of taking another year let alone more in this relationship makes me want to run for the hills. He has asked me for a new start and give him a chance to prove himself (Not that I have not heard that speech before) but I don't know what that means. I have found a good 2 or 3 ladies I confide in and I have a nice social group for the other things I need. I have my faith and so when it comes to even building a friendship with him, I don't see it to be necessary.

[MeMyself]

I don't see it to be necessary.

But, what does God think?  God takes marriage vows seriously and has a plan for you as a family.

We are also called to deny self...what can it hurt to try?  Really, there has been no mutual trying before, because he was taking so much and robbing you so much, but why not allow this time for BOTH of you to try?

Ask yourself why does he want you to stay?  He obviously loves you, but is so broken, he doesn't know how to show it.  Why not tell him you will try, though you really aren't feeling it at.all, and part of that means marriage counseling and individual counseling?

I hope the lady friends you are confiding in are not encouraging you to keep your feelings as your guide, but are pointing you towards forgiveness and perseverance with boundaries and seeking after God in this.

[ImMe1985]

 "I encourage you to PRAY PRAY PRAY for wisdom in this.  I encourage you to pour your heart out to God about how SICK of it all that you are and that you feel dead inside about it all...and then, ask Him what He wants for you. Ask Him to change in you what He wants changed and then pray about what you hoped marriage would be and ask Him to restore what the locust have eaten."

Thank you.

I sometimes know "Pray" to be the catch all phrase. My husband has asked us to come together and pray about the marriage  (again, not a new thing) I don't want to because I don't want my marriage. Here is a question for all reading. What does that really say about me? My heart is sooo hard towards him and I basically REFUSE to go any longer and REFUSE to throw another try at it in fear of wasting another 10 years of my life unfulfilled, unhappy, lonely and more. I KNOW there is NO perfect relationship, but there are mature men and women who are maturely able to overcome obstacles.

Have I lost my connection with God because I have gotten to this point in my life?

[MeMyself]

"I encourage you to PRAY PRAY PRAY for wisdom in this.  I encourage you to pour your heart out to God about how SICK of it all that you are and that you feel dead inside about it all...and then, ask Him what He wants for you. Ask Him to change in you what He wants changed and then pray about what you hoped marriage would be and ask Him to restore what the locust have eaten."

Thank you.

I sometimes know "Pray" to be the catch all phrase. My husband has asked us to come together and pray about the marriage  (again, not a new thing) I don't want to because I don't want my marriage. Here is a question for all reading. What does that really say about me? My heart is sooo hard towards him and I basically REFUSE to go any longer and REFUSE to throw another try at it in fear of wasting another 10 years of my life unfulfilled, unhappy, lonely and more. I KNOW there is NO perfect relationship, but there are mature men and women who are maturely able to overcome obstacles.

Have I lost my connection with God because I have gotten to this point in my life?

That is a question for God Himself, I would say.

Whether praying is a catch phrase or not, there is powerful truth there!  I have prayed for things for years and God has seen fit to say NO to, but I am still better off for having prayed about them and bringing them to Him.

I would tell your dh exactly what you said here: That you REFUSE to throw away any more time on this, so if there is no consistent change in three months, you are done, but you MUST really give that three months YOUR all in trying.

[chosenone]

Regardless of what you want or feel, you still have no Biblical reason to end the marriage, and many would say that if you do end this marriage, you will not be free to marry again, because the divorce wasn't for Biblically allowable reasons.
You made promises to this man, and you need to decide whether to keep them or break them. They were made for better or for worse.
Give it a year.

[anx]

anx,

Thank you for your reply. I know that change is very much possible. My only issue is I no longer care to see the change and don't know any way to press foward with him. When you said 1-3 years my eyes got big because the thought of taking another year let alone more in this relationship makes me want to run for the hills. He has asked me for a new start and give him a chance to prove himself (Not that I have not heard that speech before) but I don't know what that means. I have found a good 2 or 3 ladies I confide in and I have a nice social group for the other things I need. I have my faith and so when it comes to even building a friendship with him, I don't see it to be necessary.

To follow chosen ones line of thought, what is good about right now is that you have gone past having any hope in temporary change. Your heart tells you to not trust him, which is probably correct. You need to keep the bar for change high if there is to be any hope. Also, him being out of town for work may end up being a very good thing. You don't have any interest in being physically close and you both need time to heal and change. Yes, any hope for a future would require a tremendous amount of work from you(which you aren't interested in doing now)

Keep praying and healing. See where your husband goes and where God leads. That doesn't mean try to force a relationship with him when your body screams against it. Even if he would come back now, a close relationship isn't possible.

New starts don't work. Him proving himself and slowly rebuilding a dead relationship both over the long term is the only hope of a happy marriage. You doing just as much work to slowly move your heart too will also be required, but you have no reason to trust him now. There are a few good books on christian remarriage to the same person that may be good. Either way find support and heal while you wait on your husband and God.

Be truthful to him. No new start, he needs to actually change and you have zero interest in it now(and he cannot backtrack) , and there might be hope but you also don't see or feel that now. The truth needs to be communicated clearly. Men sometimes really need to hear the brutal truth to get it. We don't think or feel the same way. Also, tell him if you aren't legally divorced your heart is there or very close to it.

I do think there is hope, but only With God doing serious work in both of you. What comes out could be a great marriage and story of redemption, but that's a long way off though a very rough and painful road.

[mommydi]

  He obviously loves you, but is so broken, he doesn't know how to show it. 

I think we must be careful in speaking for this man, saying how he obviously loves her but "he doesn't know how to show it."

I have a friend who was raised by an extremely cold and verbally abusive father. The father never encouraged his son - only belittled him and was cruel in his remarks to his son. The only time the father wasn't neglecting the son, he was belittling him. My friend's mother would tell him from time to time, "Your father loves you - he just doesn't know how to show it." Needless to say, the boy grew into a man who has a very difficult time with relationships and gravitates towards those who treat him cruelly - thinking these people love him or respect him, but just don't know how to show it.

If ImMe's husband was giving her steak knives for Christmas instead of a bracelet, and she was upset about it. I might tell her something like, "He loves you, but just doesn't know how to show it." If he treated her with respect, but could never offer sweet, romantic words she longed to hear - again...I might tell her, "He loves you, but just doesn't know how to show it." If she says she wants to go to the movies, but her hubby says he'd rather take her golfing, and they have words over it, I might say he loves her but doesn't know how to show it.  But from ImMe's description he has spent their marriage "degrading" her. Degrading is a powerful word and a very powerful weapon.  When she begged for love and encouragement, he said, "no." To hold a wife in such contempt is not love at all. This constant degrading is as serious as it gets in a marriage relationship. No wonder her heart is hardened. 
I don't know why her husband is now promising to do better. I don't know how he can belittle and degrade her for years with her begging him to stop and asking for love and encouragement, then when she says she's through with it, he's all ready to work on it. Is it just more selfishness on his part? Maybe he's not afraid of losing his beloved wife (the one he's degraded for years, with her begging him for love), but more like he's afraid of losing his punching bag. Only he and God know the answer to that, and evidently her heart is so hardened, she doesn't care to find out.

[TJW]

her heart is so hardened, she doesn't care to find out.

I understand why she would feel this way.

I don't know why her husband is now promising to do better. I don't know how he can belittle and degrade her for years with her begging him to stop and asking for love and encouragement, then when she says she's through with it, he's all ready to work on it.

I don't know why, or how, either.

[mommydi]

I understand why she would feel this way.

So do I.

[anx]

I don't know why her husband is now promising to do better. I don't know how he can belittle and degrade her for years with her begging him to stop and asking for love and encouragement, then when she says she's through with it, he's all ready to work on it.

I don't know why, or how, either.

This is very common for men. They don't "get" it or aren't willing to truely change until the result or big change is right in Thier face. This man didn't care to change even when his marriage was very broken, but losing it is different.

[mommydi]

I don't know why her husband is now promising to do better. I don't know how he can belittle and degrade her for years with her begging him to stop and asking for love and encouragement, then when she says she's through with it, he's all ready to work on it.

I don't know why, or how, either.

This is very common for men. They don't "get" it or aren't willing to truely change until the result or big change is right in Thier face. This man didn't care to change even when his marriage was very broken, but losing it is different.

I understand what you're saying, but my I'm looking at this from the standpoint of the reasons he wants to save his marriage. For him, his marriage license was only a license to degrade a woman - for years - with her begging him not to and with asking for love and encouragement. What form of love has he expressed to her - felt for her, ever?? Eros? Yeah, maybe, depending on whose definition. Phileo? No, he doesn't even afford her the respect that he'd show a friend. Agape? No. Storge? No.
Why all of the sudden is claiming he's ready to work on this and save his marriage? Because he's losing the woman he's degraded for years. He's losing his punching bag. He's losing the person he controls with degradation and neglect. He's not losing the woman he loved, because his actions have shown nothing but contempt for her. He's losing the person he loves to control with degradation and neglect, and it scares him. IMO.
Marriages that start out wrong, can be fixed. Marriages that start out right, but go off course, can be fixed. Marriages that start off wrong, stay wrong, and for years are nothing but an excuse for one to abuse another without ever showing love or compassion are doomed, for several reasons.
Another issue we haven't touched on is the example set for the children in this marriage and how it will affect their future relationships.

[chosenone]

I don't know why her husband is now promising to do better. I don't know how he can belittle and degrade her for years with her begging him to stop and asking for love and encouragement, then when she says she's through with it, he's all ready to work on it.

I don't know why, or how, either.

This is very common for men. They don't "get" it or aren't willing to truely change until the result or big change is right in Thier face. This man didn't care to change even when his marriage was very broken, but losing it is different.

I understand what you're saying, but my I'm looking at this from the standpoint of the reasons he wants to save his marriage. For him, his marriage license was only a license to degrade a woman - for years - with her begging him not to and with asking for love and encouragement. What form of love has he expressed to her - felt for her, ever?? Eros? Yeah, maybe, depending on whose definition. Phileo? No, he doesn't even afford her the respect that he'd show a friend. Agape? No. Storge? No.
Why all of the sudden is claiming he's ready to work on this and save his marriage? Because he's losing the woman he's degraded for years. He's losing his punching bag. He's losing the person he controls with degradation and neglect. He's not losing the woman he loved, because his actions have shown nothing but contempt for her. He's losing the person he loves to control with degradation and neglect, and it scares him. IMO.
Marriages that start out wrong, can be fixed. Marriages that start out right, but go off course, can be fixed. Marriages that start off wrong, stay wrong, and for years are nothing but an excuse for one to abuse another without ever showing love or compassion are doomed, for several reasons.
Another issue we haven't touched on is the example set for the children in this marriage and how it will affect their future relationships.

I dont believe much of what you have said applies to this marriage. Where did she say that he had beaten her?

[mommydi]

I don't know why her husband is now promising to do better. I don't know how he can belittle and degrade her for years with her begging him to stop and asking for love and encouragement, then when she says she's through with it, he's all ready to work on it.

I don't know why, or how, either.

This is very common for men. They don't "get" it or aren't willing to truely change until the result or big change is right in Thier face. This man didn't care to change even when his marriage was very broken, but losing it is different.

I understand what you're saying, but my I'm looking at this from the standpoint of the reasons he wants to save his marriage. For him, his marriage license was only a license to degrade a woman - for years - with her begging him not to and with asking for love and encouragement. What form of love has he expressed to her - felt for her, ever?? Eros? Yeah, maybe, depending on whose definition. Phileo? No, he doesn't even afford her the respect that he'd show a friend. Agape? No. Storge? No.
Why all of the sudden is claiming he's ready to work on this and save his marriage? Because he's losing the woman he's degraded for years. He's losing his punching bag. He's losing the person he controls with degradation and neglect. He's not losing the woman he loved, because his actions have shown nothing but contempt for her. He's losing the person he loves to control with degradation and neglect, and it scares him. IMO.
Marriages that start out wrong, can be fixed. Marriages that start out right, but go off course, can be fixed. Marriages that start off wrong, stay wrong, and for years are nothing but an excuse for one to abuse another without ever showing love or compassion are doomed, for several reasons.
Another issue we haven't touched on is the example set for the children in this marriage and how it will affect their future relationships.

I dont believe much of what you have said applies to this marriage. Where did she say that he had beaten her?

She didn't. Neither did I.

[chosenone]

I don't know why her husband is now promising to do better. I don't know how he can belittle and degrade her for years with her begging him to stop and asking for love and encouragement, then when she says she's through with it, he's all ready to work on it.

I don't know why, or how, either.

This is very common for men. They don't "get" it or aren't willing to truely change until the result or big change is right in Thier face. This man didn't care to change even when his marriage was very broken, but losing it is different.

I understand what you're saying, but my I'm looking at this from the standpoint of the reasons he wants to save his marriage. For him, his marriage license was only a license to degrade a woman - for years - with her begging him not to and with asking for love and encouragement. What form of love has he expressed to her - felt for her, ever?? Eros? Yeah, maybe, depending on whose definition. Phileo? No, he doesn't even afford her the respect that he'd show a friend. Agape? No. Storge? No.
Why all of the sudden is claiming he's ready to work on this and save his marriage? Because he's losing the woman he's degraded for years. He's losing his punching bag. He's losing the person he controls with degradation and neglect. He's not losing the woman he loved, because his actions have shown nothing but contempt for her. He's losing the person he loves to control with degradation and neglect, and it scares him. IMO.
Marriages that start out wrong, can be fixed. Marriages that start out right, but go off course, can be fixed. Marriages that start off wrong, stay wrong, and for years are nothing but an excuse for one to abuse another without ever showing love or compassion are doomed, for several reasons.
Another issue we haven't touched on is the example set for the children in this marriage and how it will affect their future relationships.

I dont believe much of what you have said applies to this marriage. Where did she say that he had beaten her?

She didn't. Neither did I.

  You said he is loosing his punching bag. That refers to hitting and beating.

[mommydi]

  You said he is loosing his punching bag. That refers to hitting and beating.

Oh, I see. No, I was using "punching bag" as an idiom. When used in this manner, punching bag means -
a) a person who regularly receives criticism from another person
b) a person on whom another person vents their anger
c) a person serving as an object of abuse (can be physical, but when used as an idiom, emotional or verbal abuse)

I'm sorry I didn't make myself clear. I thought it was understood by everyone reading the OP that there was no physical abuse involved, but years worth of emotional and verbal abuse - supporting the idiom of "punching bag." My mistake for not making it clear.
It is true though that a spouse (either husband or wife) who has received years of "degrading" verbal assaults feels like the proverbial "punching bag." When a spouse asks/begs/pleads for the verbal abuse to stop, and for love and encouragement to begin, only to be answered with "no" and the verbal abuse continues, the receiving spouse feels like a punching bag. (figuratively speaking)

And, BTW, if the wife is telling him she's calling it quits, he is losing his "punching bag." No longer will he have her to serve as an object of verbal and emotional abuse. It is emotional abuse for a spouse to beg for encouragement, love, kind words,  to be met with "no."

[MrsO2004]

I can totally relate. In terms of length of marriage and not losing interest in wanting to save the marriage.  I guess the only difference is I wish we had existed together in a non confrontational way.  We had a very opposite relationship.  Very up and down, back and forth, relly good times and bad.  He is very involved with our kids and that the part that hurts the most.  I know a big reason I stay is for their benefit.  But I feel and have felt like my needs have gotten pushed to the side for everyone elses's sake.  There isn't an easy solution to this problem.  No matter what its a severing of what is one the most important and sacred committment you will ever make.  I don't knwo if sometimes I do have grounds - my hubby has cheated & been verball/physically abusive - I have forgiven and moved on. Its the neglect and selfishness that is turning me away.  I know what it feels like to give and wait and hope.... ANd then just get tired of putting yourself on the line for the same old smae old.  The only thing I can say is to pray - thats not a cliche, its necessary to make the right decision.  Hubby isn't the only one who needs to change, unfortunately some of the hardenss and hurt has to be changed within you too.  I know, its hard and it takes years... yes years!! The only thing I know to do is pray to God to help me to do my part in whatever his plan for me is.  Whether its to stay with hubby or not.   I pray he gives you clarity and wisdom to move forward with the right decision.

[chosenone]

  You said he is loosing his punching bag. That refers to hitting and beating.

Oh, I see. No, I was using "punching bag" as an idiom. When used in this manner, punching bag means -
a) a person who regularly receives criticism from another person
b) a person on whom another person vents their anger
c) a person serving as an object of abuse (can be physical, but when used as an idiom, emotional or verbal abuse)

I'm sorry I didn't make myself clear. I thought it was understood by everyone reading the OP that there was no physical abuse involved, but years worth of emotional and verbal abuse - supporting the idiom of "punching bag." My mistake for not making it clear.
It is true though that a spouse (either husband or wife) who has received years of "degrading" verbal assaults feels like the proverbial "punching bag." When a spouse asks/begs/pleads for the verbal abuse to stop, and for love and encouragement to begin, only to be answered with "no" and the verbal abuse continues, the receiving spouse feels like a punching bag. (figuratively speaking)

And, BTW, if the wife is telling him she's calling it quits, he is losing his "punching bag." No longer will he have her to serve as an object of verbal and emotional abuse. It is emotional abuse for a spouse to beg for encouragement, love, kind words,  to be met with "no."

OK. I suppose that I am rather cynical when people bandy the word 'abuse' around. I do appreciate that there are genuine cases of abuse, but my husbands ex wife had no reason to divorce him after she met another man and had an affair, and  she decided that he was 'emotionally abusive'. I suppose this made her feel better about ending the marriage, but it was a joke. She even had the cheek to go to a weekend for women who had been abused. It would be funny if it wasn't so serious.
We have been married for nearly 8 years now, and he is the nicest, most patient, lovely, kind, laid back godly guy I have ever met, with not an abusive bone in his body. He never gets angry or even raises his voice. He never treats me or anyone else with anything but respect.

So now I dont automatically believe everything I hear from one spouse, because anyone listening to her would have got a skewed and wrong idea of what was going on, and a totally wrong idea of what he was like. Fortunately I knew from the start that he wasn't like that.

I do know that real abuse does happen however. We have had some in my own family.

[mommydi]

  You said he is loosing his punching bag. That refers to hitting and beating.

Oh, I see. No, I was using "punching bag" as an idiom. When used in this manner, punching bag means -
a) a person who regularly receives criticism from another person
b) a person on whom another person vents their anger
c) a person serving as an object of abuse (can be physical, but when used as an idiom, emotional or verbal abuse)

I'm sorry I didn't make myself clear. I thought it was understood by everyone reading the OP that there was no physical abuse involved, but years worth of emotional and verbal abuse - supporting the idiom of "punching bag." My mistake for not making it clear.
It is true though that a spouse (either husband or wife) who has received years of "degrading" verbal assaults feels like the proverbial "punching bag." When a spouse asks/begs/pleads for the verbal abuse to stop, and for love and encouragement to begin, only to be answered with "no" and the verbal abuse continues, the receiving spouse feels like a punching bag. (figuratively speaking)

And, BTW, if the wife is telling him she's calling it quits, he is losing his "punching bag." No longer will he have her to serve as an object of verbal and emotional abuse. It is emotional abuse for a spouse to beg for encouragement, love, kind words,  to be met with "no."

OK. I suppose that I am rather cynical when people bandy the word 'abuse' around. I do appreciate that there are genuine cases of abuse, but my husbands ex wife had no reason to divorce him after she met another man and had an affair, and  she decided that he was 'emotionally abusive'. I suppose this made her feel better about ending the marriage, but it was a joke. She even had the cheek to go to a weekend for women who had been abused. It would be funny if it wasn't so serious.
We have been married for nearly 8 years now, and he is the nicest, most patient, lovely, kind, laid back godly guy I have ever met, with not an abusive bone in his body. He never gets angry or even raises his voice. He never treats me or anyone else with anything but respect.

So now I dont automatically believe everything I hear from one spouse, because anyone listening to her would have got a skewed and wrong idea of what was going on, and a totally wrong idea of what he was like. Fortunately I knew from the start that he wasn't like that.

I do know that real abuse does happen however. We have had some in my own family.

Glad you found a keeper.

Some people believe that verbal degradation is not abuse, that only physical harm is considered abuse. That's not the case. Verbal degradation is abuse and it can cut both ways. Wives can degrade their husbands with their words as well as husbands can with their wives. Either way, it is abuse.
There's also a difference between a little nagging or complaining and real verbal abuse. I hope you never experience it, chosenone.

[MrsO2004]

Verbal abuse is awful... Physical wounds heal - emotional ones stick and wound the soul.  That takes a long time to get over. It affects your perception of yourself and your partner. 

[mommydi]

Verbal abuse is awful... Physical wounds heal - emotional ones stick and wound the soul.  That takes a long time to get over. It affects your perception of yourself and your partner. 

Exactly.

[chosenone]

  You said he is loosing his punching bag. That refers to hitting and beating.

Oh, I see. No, I was using "punching bag" as an idiom. When used in this manner, punching bag means -
a) a person who regularly receives criticism from another person
b) a person on whom another person vents their anger
c) a person serving as an object of abuse (can be physical, but when used as an idiom, emotional or verbal abuse)

I'm sorry I didn't make myself clear. I thought it was understood by everyone reading the OP that there was no physical abuse involved, but years worth of emotional and verbal abuse - supporting the idiom of "punching bag." My mistake for not making it clear.
It is true though that a spouse (either husband or wife) who has received years of "degrading" verbal assaults feels like the proverbial "punching bag." When a spouse asks/begs/pleads for the verbal abuse to stop, and for love and encouragement to begin, only to be answered with "no" and the verbal abuse continues, the receiving spouse feels like a punching bag. (figuratively speaking)

And, BTW, if the wife is telling him she's calling it quits, he is losing his "punching bag." No longer will he have her to serve as an object of verbal and emotional abuse. It is emotional abuse for a spouse to beg for encouragement, love, kind words,  to be met with "no."

OK. I suppose that I am rather cynical when people bandy the word 'abuse' around. I do appreciate that there are genuine cases of abuse, but my husbands ex wife had no reason to divorce him after she met another man and had an affair, and  she decided that he was 'emotionally abusive'. I suppose this made her feel better about ending the marriage, but it was a joke. She even had the cheek to go to a weekend for women who had been abused. It would be funny if it wasn't so serious.
We have been married for nearly 8 years now, and he is the nicest, most patient, lovely, kind, laid back godly guy I have ever met, with not an abusive bone in his body. He never gets angry or even raises his voice. He never treats me or anyone else with anything but respect.

So now I dont automatically believe everything I hear from one spouse, because anyone listening to her would have got a skewed and wrong idea of what was going on, and a totally wrong idea of what he was like. Fortunately I knew from the start that he wasn't like that.

I do know that real abuse does happen however. We have had some in my own family.

Glad you found a keeper.

Some people believe that verbal degradation is not abuse, that only physical harm is considered abuse. That's not the case. Verbal degradation is abuse and it can cut both ways. Wives can degrade their husbands with their words as well as husbands can with their wives. Either way, it is abuse.
There's also a difference between a little nagging or complaining and real verbal abuse. I hope you never experience it, chosenone.

I am sure there is real emotional /verbal abuse. My husbands ex did in fact herself do some of this to him. Never being satisfied, always criticising him, wanting him to be different, and do things differently. Controlling and manipulating him. Running him down in front of the children etc so in fact she who said he was abusive, was herself somewhat abusive.

The abuse in my family was sexual and emotional, so yes I do have experience. However, I have no idea why anyone would knowingly marry anyone who abused them. I cant comprehend that at all. I also would not stay with a man who seriously abused myself or my children. My responsibility would be to protect them, in fact that's what I did for my children.

[mommydi]

  You said he is loosing his punching bag. That refers to hitting and beating.

Oh, I see. No, I was using "punching bag" as an idiom. When used in this manner, punching bag means -
a) a person who regularly receives criticism from another person
b) a person on whom another person vents their anger
c) a person serving as an object of abuse (can be physical, but when used as an idiom, emotional or verbal abuse)

I'm sorry I didn't make myself clear. I thought it was understood by everyone reading the OP that there was no physical abuse involved, but years worth of emotional and verbal abuse - supporting the idiom of "punching bag." My mistake for not making it clear.
It is true though that a spouse (either husband or wife) who has received years of "degrading" verbal assaults feels like the proverbial "punching bag." When a spouse asks/begs/pleads for the verbal abuse to stop, and for love and encouragement to begin, only to be answered with "no" and the verbal abuse continues, the receiving spouse feels like a punching bag. (figuratively speaking)

And, BTW, if the wife is telling him she's calling it quits, he is losing his "punching bag." No longer will he have her to serve as an object of verbal and emotional abuse. It is emotional abuse for a spouse to beg for encouragement, love, kind words,  to be met with "no."

OK. I suppose that I am rather cynical when people bandy the word 'abuse' around. I do appreciate that there are genuine cases of abuse, but my husbands ex wife had no reason to divorce him after she met another man and had an affair, and  she decided that he was 'emotionally abusive'. I suppose this made her feel better about ending the marriage, but it was a joke. She even had the cheek to go to a weekend for women who had been abused. It would be funny if it wasn't so serious.
We have been married for nearly 8 years now, and he is the nicest, most patient, lovely, kind, laid back godly guy I have ever met, with not an abusive bone in his body. He never gets angry or even raises his voice. He never treats me or anyone else with anything but respect.

So now I dont automatically believe everything I hear from one spouse, because anyone listening to her would have got a skewed and wrong idea of what was going on, and a totally wrong idea of what he was like. Fortunately I knew from the start that he wasn't like that.

I do know that real abuse does happen however. We have had some in my own family.

Glad you found a keeper.

Some people believe that verbal degradation is not abuse, that only physical harm is considered abuse. That's not the case. Verbal degradation is abuse and it can cut both ways. Wives can degrade their husbands with their words as well as husbands can with their wives. Either way, it is abuse.
There's also a difference between a little nagging or complaining and real verbal abuse. I hope you never experience it, chosenone.

I am sure there is real emotional /verbal abuse. My husbands ex did in fact herself do some of this to him. Never being satisfied, always criticising him, wanting him to be different, and do things differently. Controlling and manipulating him. Running him down in front of the children etc so in fact she who said he was abusive, was herself somewhat abusive.

The abuse in my family was sexual and emotional, so yes I do have experience. However, I have no idea why anyone would knowingly marry anyone who abused them. I cant comprehend that at all. I also would not stay with a man who seriously abused myself or my children. My responsibility would be to protect them, in fact that's what I did for my children.

So are you saying that if you were in a marriage where your husband, on a regular basis, verbally abused you, you would leave that marriage?

[MrsO2004]

When u are in that situation not only are u wounded physically but your spirit and heart are wounded as well....I said the same thing, I would never put up with it... But every time he apologized I wanted to believe he was sorry and it wouldn't happen again. Thank God he has delivered us from that behavior but I don't think anyone could say exactly what they would do especially having not been thru the experience.

[mommydi]

When u are in that situation not only are u wounded physically but your spirit and heart are wounded as well....I said the same thing, I would never put up with it... But every time he apologized I wanted to believe he was sorry and it wouldn't happen again. Thank God he has delivered us from that behavior but I don't think anyone could say exactly what they would do especially having not been thru the experience.

Ain't it the truth? I learned quite a while ago to never say never. Life is complicated. Not all black and white - cut and dry. Like you say, being in that situation, and living it, is quite different than standing outside looking in.
The best to you, Mrs0.

[Red Baker]

Sorry in advance for the lengthiness of this.
Back Ground- I married my husband at 19 (he was 21). I grew up a Christian and backslid when I moved out (17, joined the military). Dated 6months (partied during that time) did a Courthouse type of marriage ***Is this your name? Sign here*** then we were married. 3 days after marriage I found out I was pregnant and then I decided to rededicate my life back to God. He was not saved, never knew God nor brought up with God apart of his life. Things were anything BUT a happy marriage. Years past we "existed" together as I raised our child and he lived for himself. Things got good for a couple months, he convinced me he would change and then I got pregnant again and then I was what you called "married living single with 2 kids." He once again became the center of "his" attention no regard for his wife or kids. He would always say he was a good father and husband because he came home every night and brought home his check. He does nothing with our kids (now 8,3). Has no relationship with them or me. We exist more as business partners. On top of the sheer existing with one another, he tends to be very degrading. Over time I learned to live, deal with and fend for myself and my kids. I learned to support, encourage and love myself because when I would seek have him help, love, understand, encourage, father or anything there was some excuse as to why he didn't need to, didn't know how to, didn't want to and was not his responsibility to. Last year he took a job that caused us to be geographically separated and I begin to get this peace, confidence, happiness I NEVER felt. I was use to doing everything by myself with my kids and every time he would visit he just went on in that belittling, crude manner towards me. Always putting me down and making me cry. I would say, my heart begin to harden since his new job. It was like I couldn't see the forest for the trees and was able to have this independence, happiness, peace that I would otherwise have with him.

I told him recently, I want a divorce. My kids only know that he is their father, but have absolutely NO kind of relationship about him. He is still geographically gone with his job however, since I asked for a divorce the last 2 weeks he has begged me to stay and that he has changed and NOW he is seeking God and going to be a husband, friend and father. Problem is, I told him that I don't want it anymore. I begged, cried, and pleaded prayed, fasted for him to be there for me as a husband and be there for his kids. He would always tell me "You love God to much to EVER leave me." I see all that was taking me for granted. I know I have no justifiable reason according to Gods word to divorce. I look like I am in 28 and I don't want to live a loveless life for another decade. I know God can change things, I just no longer care to want to try or see it work. I wanted it for soo long, loving with nothing in return and now my heart is hard and I don't want him.
Any advice please.

THANKS

Greetings InMe1985,

I will not be very long.  I cannot give you any support from the scriptures in desiring to divorce your husband.  You have absolutely no scriptural ground for doing so, none. Base upon what you have said.  Just because your husband has been an unloving and caring husband, does not give you that right to divorce him.  To a certain degree we all have come short of that, including you.  Some more, I will grant that, but that within itself does not give anyone that right to divorce their spouse.  Marriage is a fifty year commitment, (some more) and at no point does God allow for us to divorce just because we do not feel loved by the other spouse.  How short every day do we come short of loving God with all of our hearts?  How patience is he with us?  How many times do we ask him to forgive us, of not loving him, to the degree we should?  How often to we allow the temporal things of this life to come in conflict with our love for him?  It is a battle for even the very best saints.

To the degree you show mercy, mercy will be shown to you by God.  Can you really say that you have loved your husband according to 1 Corinthians 13? People do change, some take longer than others. 

If you can find one scripture to support your feelings, then speak on, if not, then you need to stop and reconsider your feelings and see where they are coming from.  Regardless, what your children are thinking, they need both parents.  I cannot imagine if your put your own soul and heart into loving your husband, that he would not increase his affection toward you~it would be almost impossible for him not to do so, unless he is a son of Belial, like Nabal of old.  1 Samuel 25

Bottom line, God's word will not support your actions.  If you fear God and believe him, than seek his word for every action/decision that you do, and if you do that, then you will have a much better marriage, the one that you are looking for.

I am speaking from almost fifty years of marriage, save four, to the same woman.

RB

[rejectedbride]

I was committed to God above all things and married a man who invested a lot of time in lying to me to win me over. He kept secrets and cheated and took money from me. I did everything i could the best i knew how without any example to follow. I had lost so much and was tired of being hurt (as was he). I had been seeking God, and He revealed to me that i had been taking on his role and controlling too much because i was afraid. He took my statements as demeaning criticism. It was all an error in communication.  I repented and was ready for a new start with God's blessing. He left me with a newborn to be with another man's wife. My heart was right, but my behavior wasn't...his heart wasn't right. He and she both believe they are doing what's right and truly blessed. However, God hates divorce and adulterers don't inherit the kingdom--by NT definition, remarriage is adultery. Paul says to agree to separate and give yourselves to fasting and prayer...to remain as you are to be reconciled. God's children will hear His word--the world rejects it. Jesus said those who love Him keep His commands and love is also defined. If your heart is too hard to receive from God, then you need to look to the cross and humble yourself. People mean well, but what does God say? He is the ultimate judge. Lean not on your own understanding but in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your steps. He is always on time & always faithful, but our haste causes error and delays (even "Ishmaels" )

[chosenone]

I was committed to God above all things and married a man who invested a lot of time in lying to me to win me over. He kept secrets and cheated and took money from me. I did everything i could the best i knew how without any example to follow. I had lost so much and was tired of being hurt (as was he). I had been seeking God, and He revealed to me that i had been taking on his role and controlling too much because i was afraid. He took my statements as demeaning criticism. It was all an error in communication.  I repented and was ready for a new start with God's blessing. He left me with a newborn to be with another man's wife. My heart was right, but my behavior wasn't...his heart wasn't right. He and she both believe they are doing what's right and truly blessed. However, God hates divorce and adulterers don't inherit the kingdom--by NT definition, remarriage is adultery. Paul says to agree to separate and give yourselves to fasting and prayer...to remain as you are to be reconciled. God's children will hear His word--the world rejects it. Jesus said those who love Him keep His commands and love is also defined. If your heart is too hard to receive from God, then you need to look to the cross and humble yourself. People mean well, but what does God say? He is the ultimate judge. Lean not on your own understanding but in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your steps. He is always on time & always faithful, but our haste causes error and delays (even "Ishmaels" )

God does hate it when people leave their spouses for another of course, but sins can be forgiven if they repent. If they are still convinced that they did the right thing when they clearly didn't, then they havent  yet repented. I would also doubt they are believers, if they claim to be that is.
IF they both repented and were determined to change and follow God, He would forgive them and they could be blessed from then on. 

[mommydi]

I was committed to God above all things and married a man who invested a lot of time in lying to me to win me over. He kept secrets and cheated and took money from me. I did everything i could the best i knew how without any example to follow. I had lost so much and was tired of being hurt (as was he). I had been seeking God, and He revealed to me that i had been taking on his role and controlling too much because i was afraid. He took my statements as demeaning criticism. It was all an error in communication.  I repented and was ready for a new start with God's blessing. He left me with a newborn to be with another man's wife. My heart was right, but my behavior wasn't...his heart wasn't right. He and she both believe they are doing what's right and truly blessed. However, God hates divorce and adulterers don't inherit the kingdom--by NT definition, remarriage is adultery. Paul says to agree to separate and give yourselves to fasting and prayer...to remain as you are to be reconciled. God's children will hear His word--the world rejects it. Jesus said those who love Him keep His commands and love is also defined. If your heart is too hard to receive from God, then you need to look to the cross and humble yourself. People mean well, but what does God say? He is the ultimate judge. Lean not on your own understanding but in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your steps. He is always on time & always faithful, but our haste causes error and delays (even "Ishmaels" )

God does hate it when people leave their spouses for another of course, but sins can be forgiven if they repent. If they are still convinced that they did the right thing when they clearly didn't, then they havent  yet repented. I would also doubt they are believers, if they claim to be that is.
IF they both repented and were determined to change and follow God, He would forgive them and they could be blessed from then on. 

chosenone, are you saying that the 2nd marriage (rejectedbride's husband and his second wife) will be ok in God's eyes if they repent?