Saved Wife, Unsaved Husband

[humble_1]

I have been praying endlessly for my husband's salvation. When we got married, neither one of us were saved. I had been saved before, but at that time I was a backslider. I slowly began to come back to Christ before we got married, even becoming celebate with my husband until our wedding night. It seems like once we did get married, something sparked a fire in me to live holy. I became so on fire for God, changing the way I think, speak, and even praying in tongues again as I had years ago when I first became saved. I don't have the desire to listen to certain types of songs or music, or even watch certain types of movies. I can't explain it, I guess it's just the Spirit working in me. Well my husband thinks I'm extreme. He feels like I'm weird because I don't allow my daughter to watch certain things and don't want her to hear certain songs on the radio. Every thing I speak I give honor and glory to God and he says I'm taking it too far. I always say let's pray about a tough situation or any problem we face and he doesn't believe that will solve the problem. I don't curse or go off on people when I'm upset and he told me I can still curse people out when I need to. He makes a mockery of my faith.

This hurts to no end. He does attend church services with me, but for him that's all it is. I used to beat him over the head with it, until a friend of mine made me realize that may be making his behavior worse, so instead now I just pray for him when he acts this way. I am afraid that eventually this may be a real strain on our marriage, a house divided cannot stand. That's exactly how we are, it's like spiritually I'm fighting a battle with my own husband, something is pulling us in oppposite directions. I have been praying that my behavior will be proof to him of the goodness of God and blessing of living for Him and according to His word, but the more I try to live right, the more he humiliates me. Has anyone been in this situation? Did your spouse ever receive salvation? How did you handle the situation until that point? I don't want to lose my marriage but I do want to live this way and I want to raise my daughter this way, and it's extremely difficult when my husband doesn't understand. Before we got married I had strong hesitations but I thought I was just nervous. Now I'm wondering if that was the Spirit then trying to tell me this would happen.

[HRoberson]

How to say this gently....

Your behavior is already a strain on your marriage; it isn't that it's going to be. Your husband is not on this forum, so I will speak to you.

Being overbearing about anything becomes oppressive, even if it's hearing you say "praise God," or having you suggest that the two of you pray about seemingly everything. I have some Christian acquaintences whose spiritual vocabulary consists of only those two words, or perhaps "I'm so blessed!" as though God cares if you got the parking space up front. It's a bit off-putting actually.

You are certainly appropriate in wanting to shape your daughter in the right direction, but it might not be necessary toalways use God as the excuse for selecting or denying TV selections. It is absolutely appropriate to say that you want to shape her development in the direction of respect for others and herself rather than saying "God doesn't like it.

Not only is your husband different from you spiritually, but by gender and personality type as well. Not all of us like all the religious hoopla that some of our brothers and sisters do. Christianity isn't about putting God into every sentence, but about living a life that cares for others. That can be done using secular language most of the time.

[chosenone]

yes the spirit was trying to tell you that marrying a non believer is wrong,  but that is in the past.
I have three close friends who have all been married to non believers for very many  years. One thing they have learned is that it is THEY who have changed and NOT their husbands, so being critical of him or dissatisfied with him is wrong. The fact that he doesn't understand spiritual matters isn't his fault, because you married him as he is,  and he hasn't changed. So respect him as your husband and your daughters father, be a good and supportive wife,  don't ever go on about God or push it down his throat, and keep praying. Be thankful that he goes to church with you, few non Christian husbands do.

Try and get the book called 'How to be the happy wife of an unsaved husband' by Linda Davies. Its a very helpful book. I think its out of print, but you should be able to get it second hand on amazon or somewhere similar.

[Carey]

As chosenone said be thankful he goes to church, not many unbelieving husbands do, I didn't.  I can think of a few reasons why he might accompany you to church and they are all positive.  You are blessed in this regard.

My wife was not blatant about her faith, but you could see it in her behavior, the example she set, and she prayed quietly for me; prayers I never heard, but God answered.

1 Peter 3:1(NIV)
3 Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives,

This is indeed how God won me over, through my wife, not so much in submission, but by quiet unobtrusive example.

[humble_1]

yes the spirit was trying to tell you that marrying a non believer is wrong,  but that is in the past.
I have three close friends who have all been married to non believers for very many  years. One thing they have learned is that it is THEY who have changed and NOT their husbands, so being critical of him or dissatisfied with him is wrong. The fact that he doesn't understand spiritual matters isn't his fault, because you married him as he is,  and he hasn't changed. So respect him as your husband and your daughters father, be a good and supportive wife,  don't ever go on about God or push it down his throat, and keep praying. Be thankful that he goes to church with you, few non Christian husbands do.

Try and get the book called 'How to be the happy wife of an unsaved husband' by Linda Davies. Its a very helpful book. I think its out of print, but you should be able to get it second hand on amazon or somewhere similar.

I will try to find this book. This may be very helpful. I am very thankful that he does go to church with me, when we first started dating, he would not go at all, but once we got married all of a sudden he started going and now he never lets me go alone, at least on Sundays. I guess that is a start. Sometimes I just wonder if he even likes me at all, it seems like before I got saved he was so sweet and caring, gentle towards me. Now it seems like everything I do makes him upset, and he always makes comments saying "you church people always do this and that or think you're better than everyone else." I don't get it. I haven't changed towards him, just dedicated my life and soul to Christ. Even when I try to hug or kiss him, it's just a different feel now, like he just doesn't love me anymore, and I just noticed it didn't get like this until I became saved. I often try to catch myself if I become too overbearing. I try to maintain that gentle and quiet spirit...it seems like when I do this, it's even worse.

[Virtuous1]

Hi Humble 1
I empathize with you. When I got serious about my walk with God, my husband and I went through the same thing. Eventually, I realized that we can actually cause our husbands to become jealous and resentful of our relationship with God. It was never God's intention for the woman to lead spiritually, and when you become the more spiritually mature one in the marriage, it can come across threatening, and even isolating to a man. Husbands feel as if you built this relationship with God and they are on the outside being critiqued.
As the the wife of an unsaved or unenthusiastic Christian husband, you do have to learn to temper your spirituality so that it doesn't come across like a harsh new way of life to the person who hasn't fallen in love with God yet.
A wife's spiritual growth is an adjustment for our husbands, especially if he married you when you were much more worldly, care free, and easy going.  He misses the you that he felt you were before.  I said all of that to help you understand what he might be feeling, because when we women get on a roll for Christ, we can be 'full steam ahead' feeling like everybody else just needs to get with it.
I've found that after 18 years of marriage, God really wanted to cultivate patience within me. I have a tendency to want people to get it when I get it, but it didn't work like that. It was gradual, but it was sure non the less.
Our husbands can certainly be won by our good conduct.  I encourage you to rebuke those feelings of wanting to throw in the towel, that's just the devil playing on your frustration.
I don't believe that there is anyone on the planet who wanted to quit as much as I did, but God gave me the grace to be faithful to my marriage and ride out my storms, and now when I look back I am amazed at (like someone else said) how much God really wanted to change me, and He used the grist in my husband to do it. I think you should still pray, and be spiritually strong, but tone down the holy roller in front of those who can't appreciate it. For the record, I do appreciate a good holy roller, so don't think there's anything wrong with being on fire for Jesus, but again, don't waste it on those who aren't ready for you!
Most of all, Hang in there, it gets better!

[maryseblossom]

I am in this same situation, although I am only engaged, not yet married.

and I would have to agree with the people saying you have to not be pushing with your faith. And its normal that your husband felt that you changed, cos you did! But you have to make him understand that the loving girlfriend is still in you. that no matter what, you will love him for what he is and not what you would want him to be. thats what true love is anyway.

I don't want to change my man. If he wants to believe, he will by hiself. He also told me he would like to accompany me eventually to church, because he wants me to feel supported by him.

Pray for your relationship to grow stronger. Have a one on one talk with your husband telling him that you never wanted him to feel like you ignore him and don't respect his opinion on things. You have to tell yourself also that God would not punish you for watching a tv show of certain kind.

My fiancé told me he was very scared that I would not enjoy doing what we were doing before. Like watching certain types of movies or playing video games. for me, i cannot remove that from our relationship all together. I have to understand that he fell in love with me for those reasons, for what we first shared as common ground.

I will keep you into my prayers because I know how it is difficult. If you want to talk more, please feel free to write on private message to me.

God bless. 

[humble_1]

Hi Humble 1
I empathize with you. When I got serious about my walk with God, my husband and I went through the same thing. Eventually, I realized that we can actually cause our husbands to become jealous and resentful of our relationship with God. It was never God's intention for the woman to lead spiritually, and when you become the more spiritually mature one in the marriage, it can come across threatening, and even isolating to a man. Husbands feel as if you built this relationship with God and they are on the outside being critiqued.
As the the wife of an unsaved or unenthusiastic Christian husband, you do have to learn to temper your spirituality so that it doesn't come across like a harsh new way of life to the person who hasn't fallen in love with God yet.
A wife's spiritual growth is an adjustment for our husbands, especially if he married you when you were much more worldly, care free, and easy going.  He misses the you that he felt you were before.  I said all of that to help you understand what he might be feeling, because when we women get on a roll for Christ, we can be 'full steam ahead' feeling like everybody else just needs to get with it.
I've found that after 18 years of marriage, God really wanted to cultivate patience within me. I have a tendency to want people to get it when I get it, but it didn't work like that. It was gradual, but it was sure non the less.
Our husbands can certainly be won by our good conduct.  I encourage you to rebuke those feelings of wanting to throw in the towel, that's just the devil playing on your frustration.
I don't believe that there is anyone on the planet who wanted to quit as much as I did, but God gave me the grace to be faithful to my marriage and ride out my storms, and now when I look back I am amazed at (like someone else said) how much God really wanted to change me, and He used the grist in my husband to do it. I think you should still pray, and be spiritually strong, but tone down the holy roller in front of those who can't appreciate it. For the record, I do appreciate a good holy roller, so don't think there's anything wrong with being on fire for Jesus, but again, don't waste it on those who aren't ready for you!
Most of all, Hang in there, it gets better!

I think this is true for my situation. I think once I became saved I did expect him to just jump on board full speed ahead. I am glad you appreciate a Holy roller, lol! I am definitely one and proud of it and don't see anything wrong with it at all when trying to live every aspect of your life for God, not just bits and pieces. It's just hard to tone it down in front of my spouse, the one person I feel should accept me as I am and have respect for my faith. He does things and makes comments sometimes that feel very disrespectful to me, like he's disrespecting my belief. I feel this isn't right, I don't say or do things to disrespect his worldliness or carnal mindedness. I just pray for him. He does many things I don't agree with daily, things that do sometimes offend me, but I don't say mean things to hurt him or make him feel bad, I don't condemn or convict him, I instantly pray for God to change his heart and mind and for him to be saved. I would never want him to feel like I'm making fun of him or putting him down. But he does this to me when it comes to my faith and that's what really hurts. It should not be this way. We as Christians shouldn't have to tone down our faith to please the world, but then let it be ok for the world to disrespect and offend us and what we believe and how we choose to live. No way, especially from my spouse, no.

[maryseblossom]

Dear Humble1,

If you think you never put him down but he does that to you, you should talk about it with him and tell him its not ok to do that because he don't like your belief. But are you sure you never tell him that he is wrong to drink alcohol or some other things that you don't like?

My fiancé doesn't like my beliefs. He thinks only stupid people can accept that. When I ask him: am I stupid then? He says:no you are not. So i say: well it means its not only stupid people who believe in that. ;)

Try to get some humor in the things that makes you feel bad. Don't think about how bad it makes you feel. Just think: he just don't know, but God asked me to love everybody no matter what. He is my husband and I will love him no matter what. The more you react to his bad comments, the more he will give them to you. Don't try to make him accept your belief. Just live it.

God bless you