Is a long gestation period for 'dating' wrong?

[Kellywellydoodle]

I have been in a loving relationship with my bf for 6 years. We are both in fulltime employment [I've just left university] (living with our respective parents). We both have the same faith, core values, humour, similar interests etc. and I know that this man is the man God intends for me to marry (why keep us together for so long and in such happiness if this was not his intention?). What do you think God's opinion is of us being together so long without getting married? I think some people at church are a bit funny about it...they assume we're having SBM when we're not...otherwise how else would we have held out for so long *sarcasm*. Is 'dating' for such a long period a sin?

[FireSword]

I plan on doing the same thing. I don't think God expects people to marry on the first date.

[Kellywellydoodle]

I plan on doing the same thing. I don't think God expects people to marry on the first date.

Haha...I'm saying this as someone who has watched numerous couples meet, get engaged, get married and had babies in the time we've been together. I think it's safe to say we're way past the first date stage...

[winsome]

I have been in a loving relationship with my bf for 6 years. We are both in fulltime employment [I've just left university] (living with our respective parents). We both have the same faith, core values, humour, similar interests etc. and I know that this man is the man God intends for me to marry (why keep us together for so long and in such happiness if this was not his intention?). What do you think God's opinion is of us being together so long without getting married? I think some people at church are a bit funny about it...they assume we're having SBM when we're not...otherwise how else would we have held out for so long *sarcasm*. Is 'dating' for such a long period a sin?

No it isn't a sin.

I was dating my (now) wife for four and a half years before we got married. For much of that time we only saw each other at weekends because she was away at Teacher Training College and I had moved away because of work. There are many reasons why people who are committed to each other may delay getting married.

We have now been happily married for almost 45 years.

[Kellywellydoodle]

I have been in a loving relationship with my bf for 6 years. We are both in fulltime employment [I've just left university] (living with our respective parents). We both have the same faith, core values, humour, similar interests etc. and I know that this man is the man God intends for me to marry (why keep us together for so long and in such happiness if this was not his intention?). What do you think God's opinion is of us being together so long without getting married? I think some people at church are a bit funny about it...they assume we're having SBM when we're not...otherwise how else would we have held out for so long *sarcasm*. Is 'dating' for such a long period a sin?

No it isn't a sin.

I was dating my (now) wife for four and a half years before we got married. For much of that time we only saw each other at weekends because she was away at Teacher Training College and I had moved away because of work. There are many reasons why people who are committed to each other may delay getting married.

We have now been happily married for almost 45 years.

Did you ever have people asking you when you were getting married though? I just get tired of Christian married couples in church settings that rate their own relationship higher than mine and my partners. I don't think dating relationships are taken as seriously for whatever reason in church. OK...we don't have sex but in every other way I am committed to him and love him as though he were my husband. In fact...in some ways more committed because we're together without the need of sexual gratification. We have agreed that we will get married within the next 4 years (largely for financial reasons).

[JohnDB]

Long courtships are not wrong. But usually marriage is not a result of a long courtship.


sometimes it is...but the statistics show that most of the time a couple will end up married within a two year time period from the time they start dating to the time they are married.


the statistics show that most of these long term courtships never end well. That the guy or girl will leave the relationship with the other brokenhearted...and/or that if somehow there is a marriage relationship formed that there will be issues in physical intimacy later when married if there hasn't been SBM during this courtship period. (not my statistics and I thought that they would have been different myself)


Of course there will be exceptions to every statistics...but the vast majority of these are true. There would have to be some kind of extenuating circumstances to be an exception...not just good wishes.


Marriage is all about giving...giving of yourself and your body to another person. If it isn't that then you just have two people living in mutual coexistence which sometimes have sex. I see this often in other married couples relationships. It never ends well later.

[chosenone]

Being that you have just left uni, I am assuming that you were very very young when you met(maybe 15-16 or so?). If that is the case then there usually does need to be a fairly long courtship because you are still at school and not working.

However if you are now both 100% sure that you will marry, then why wait another 3 or 4 years???You are both working. OK you are wanting to study more, but you can work part time during that studying, your partner will be also working, or you can study part time while you work as well. Loads of people do this.

Ok I am a lot older than you, but I was married within 9 months of meeting my amazing husband. I knew in a week that he was the one I wanted to marry, and I wouldnt have wanted to wait any longer than that.
By the time you marry you may have been going out for 10 years(!!!!) and to me that seems somewhat strange. Do you think its possible that one of you isn't 100% sure? You may not want to consider that, but in my experience those who are sure about getting married wont wait 10 years. Has he even asked you to marry him?

[Kellywellydoodle]

Being that you have just left uni, I am assuming that you were very very young when you met(maybe 15-16 or so?). If that is the case then there usually does need to be a fairly long courtship because you are still at school and not working.

However if you are now both 100% sure that you will marry, then why wait another 3 or 4 years???You are both working. OK you are wanting to study more, but you can work part time during that studying, your partner will be also working, or you can study part time while you work as well. Loads of people do this.

Ok I am a lot older than you, but I was married within 9 months of meeting my amazing husband. I knew in a week that he was the one I wanted to marry, and I wouldnt have wanted to wait any longer than that.
By the time you marry you may have been going out for 10 years(!!!!) and to me that seems somewhat strange. Do you think its possible that one of you isn't 100% sure? You may not want to consider that, but in my experience those who are sure about getting married wont wait 10 years. Has he even asked you to marry him?

I was only just 17 when we started going out so yeah...that definitely is a massive factor (we decided it would be better to wait till after I finished university). We freely talk about marriage and it's something that we BOTH know we want but just not yet...ie. we both still live with our parents and we would rather buy a house than rent. Basically the 4 year thing was the absolute maximum length of time from now that we decided on owed to the fact that I am thinking about doing a masters and PhD (4 years) after saving up this year and after talking about it we both decided that we couldn't wait till after I'd finished my PhD to get married because emotionally we're ready for it now. It's the kind of thing we both talk to each other about...so no he hasn't officially got down on one knee but we've talked enough about it to know about each other's intentions.

[Kellywellydoodle]

sometimes it is...but the statistics show that most of the time a couple will end up married within a two year time period from the time they start dating to the time they are married.

I'm guessing this statistic will be significantly different depending on when the said couple gets together and whether they go to university or whatever...ie. a lot of my friends that haven't been to university have started to get married because they've had more time to save money whereas most of my university friends are single because it's not easy to keep a relationship working whilst studying/living away from home etc.

Also...about what you said about sexual intimacy...I don't think that's going to be so much of an issue  ...long term 'courtship' makes you more eager rather than less in my experience anyway!

[chosenone]

Being that you have just left uni, I am assuming that you were very very young when you met(maybe 15-16 or so?). If that is the case then there usually does need to be a fairly long courtship because you are still at school and not working.

However if you are now both 100% sure that you will marry, then why wait another 3 or 4 years???You are both working. OK you are wanting to study more, but you can work part time during that studying, your partner will be also working, or you can study part time while you work as well. Loads of people do this.

Ok I am a lot older than you, but I was married within 9 months of meeting my amazing husband. I knew in a week that he was the one I wanted to marry, and I wouldnt have wanted to wait any longer than that.
By the time you marry you may have been going out for 10 years(!!!!) and to me that seems somewhat strange. Do you think its possible that one of you isn't 100% sure? You may not want to consider that, but in my experience those who are sure about getting married wont wait 10 years. Has he even asked you to marry him?

I was only just 17 when we started going out so yeah...that definitely is a massive factor (we decided it would be better to wait till after I finished university). We freely talk about marriage and it's something that we BOTH know we want but just not yet...ie. we both still live with our parents and we would rather buy a house than rent. Basically the 4 year thing was the absolute maximum length of time from now that we decided on owed to the fact that I am thinking about doing a masters and PhD (4 years) after saving up this year and after talking about it we both decided that we couldn't wait till after I'd finished my PhD to get married because emotionally we're ready for it now. It's the kind of thing we both talk to each other about...so no he hasn't officially got down on one knee but we've talked enough about it to know about each other's intentions.

In the UK where I live renting is all that most young couples can afford, as they usually cant afford to buy till they are in their 30's or even 40's (if ever). I believe that rents there are far cheaper than here as well. So many kids here are staying with parents so long because of the very high housing costs here. Its not good or emotionally healthy really. I have friends with children from the ages of 26 to 34 still living with them!!!

I would be slightly wary of a young guy of that age being happy to wait so long to have physical intimacy with the girl he loves, when there are many ways round having to delay the marriage, but that's just me. I cant see why you are waiting any longer to be honest.

After 6 years I would have hoped/expected that he would have asked me to marry him by now, and at least to be engaged, but that's just my thoughts. 

My son and his wife(much older than you guys), did wait nearly 3 years before marrying because she was at uni full time as a mature student. The rents here are so high, that they cannot afford to pay it with her not working full time as well as him. If it hadnt been for that they would have married much sooner.

[Kellywellydoodle]

Being that you have just left uni, I am assuming that you were very very young when you met(maybe 15-16 or so?). If that is the case then there usually does need to be a fairly long courtship because you are still at school and not working.

However if you are now both 100% sure that you will marry, then why wait another 3 or 4 years???You are both working. OK you are wanting to study more, but you can work part time during that studying, your partner will be also working, or you can study part time while you work as well. Loads of people do this.

Ok I am a lot older than you, but I was married within 9 months of meeting my amazing husband. I knew in a week that he was the one I wanted to marry, and I wouldnt have wanted to wait any longer than that.
By the time you marry you may have been going out for 10 years(!!!!) and to me that seems somewhat strange. Do you think its possible that one of you isn't 100% sure? You may not want to consider that, but in my experience those who are sure about getting married wont wait 10 years. Has he even asked you to marry him?

I was only just 17 when we started going out so yeah...that definitely is a massive factor (we decided it would be better to wait till after I finished university). We freely talk about marriage and it's something that we BOTH know we want but just not yet...ie. we both still live with our parents and we would rather buy a house than rent. Basically the 4 year thing was the absolute maximum length of time from now that we decided on owed to the fact that I am thinking about doing a masters and PhD (4 years) after saving up this year and after talking about it we both decided that we couldn't wait till after I'd finished my PhD to get married because emotionally we're ready for it now. It's the kind of thing we both talk to each other about...so no he hasn't officially got down on one knee but we've talked enough about it to know about each other's intentions.

In the UK where I live renting is all that most young couples can afford, as they usually cant afford to buy till they are in their 30's or even 40's (if ever). I believe that rents there are far cheaper than here as well. So many kids here are staying with parents so long because of the very high housing costs here. Its not good or emotionally healthy really. I have friends with children from the ages of 26 to 34 still living with them!!!

I would be slightly wary of a young guy of that age being happy to wait so long to have physical intimacy with the girl he loves, when there are many ways round having to delay the marriage, but that's just me. I cant see why you are waiting any longer to be honest.

After 6 years I would have hoped/expected that he would have asked me to marry him by now, and at least to be engaged, but that's just my thoughts.

Gah...it's exactly married individuals like yourself that I have a problem with. You assume that because we don't have sex and we've been together a long time that there's something wrong/that we're not physically attracted to one another when we actually have a healthier and happier relationship than many married couples. How would you like it if I turned it around and said that maybe you only got together within 9 months so you could sleep together (not uncommon for Christian couples)? It would be unfair for me to assume that...and similarly it is unfair for you to suggest that our relationship/closeness is any less valid because we've managed to restrain from sexual activity throughout our time together. I would rather have a relationship based on mutual love and friendship than one based solely on physical intimacy. When I'm in permanent fulltime employment we'll be on a very good joint wage...(maybe £50,000-£60,000 per annum) so moving out into a property of our own before I'm 25 (I'm 22 now) isn't that unrealistic.

P.S. I also live in the UK...

[chosenone]

Being that you have just left uni, I am assuming that you were very very young when you met(maybe 15-16 or so?). If that is the case then there usually does need to be a fairly long courtship because you are still at school and not working.

However if you are now both 100% sure that you will marry, then why wait another 3 or 4 years???You are both working. OK you are wanting to study more, but you can work part time during that studying, your partner will be also working, or you can study part time while you work as well. Loads of people do this.

Ok I am a lot older than you, but I was married within 9 months of meeting my amazing husband. I knew in a week that he was the one I wanted to marry, and I wouldnt have wanted to wait any longer than that.
By the time you marry you may have been going out for 10 years(!!!!) and to me that seems somewhat strange. Do you think its possible that one of you isn't 100% sure? You may not want to consider that, but in my experience those who are sure about getting married wont wait 10 years. Has he even asked you to marry him?

I was only just 17 when we started going out so yeah...that definitely is a massive factor (we decided it would be better to wait till after I finished university). We freely talk about marriage and it's something that we BOTH know we want but just not yet...ie. we both still live with our parents and we would rather buy a house than rent. Basically the 4 year thing was the absolute maximum length of time from now that we decided on owed to the fact that I am thinking about doing a masters and PhD (4 years) after saving up this year and after talking about it we both decided that we couldn't wait till after I'd finished my PhD to get married because emotionally we're ready for it now. It's the kind of thing we both talk to each other about...so no he hasn't officially got down on one knee but we've talked enough about it to know about each other's intentions.

In the UK where I live renting is all that most young couples can afford, as they usually cant afford to buy till they are in their 30's or even 40's (if ever). I believe that rents there are far cheaper than here as well. So many kids here are staying with parents so long because of the very high housing costs here. Its not good or emotionally healthy really. I have friends with children from the ages of 26 to 34 still living with them!!!

I would be slightly wary of a young guy of that age being happy to wait so long to have physical intimacy with the girl he loves, when there are many ways round having to delay the marriage, but that's just me. I cant see why you are waiting any longer to be honest.

After 6 years I would have hoped/expected that he would have asked me to marry him by now, and at least to be engaged, but that's just my thoughts.

Gah...it's exactly married individuals like yourself that I have a problem with. You assume that because we don't have sex and we've been together a long time that there's something wrong/that we're not physically attracted to one another when we actually have a healthier and happier relationship than many married couples. When I'm in permanent fulltime employment we'll be on a very good joint wage...(maybe £50,000-£60,000 per annum) so moving out into a property of our own before I'm 25 (I'm 22 now) isn't that unrealistic.

Yes and as you have a really good income, you could easily rent now. My son and his wife earn a lot less that you, only about £45,000 together, and they rent a 2 bedroomed house in the South East and save as well.
It does depend on where you live in the UK. If you are in the south/south east its completely different than if you live further noth or west where housing and rents are half the price.

I remember reading a post from a lady who was having a terrible time with her husband. Before they married he was happy not to have sex and to wait for some time till they married.. She thought it was because of his morals  After marriage sex was rare, and she then realised that it had been because he just didn't want sex very much and she was really struggling with that. Bit of a warning there.

I just cant see why you would need to wait another 3 or 4 years if you are both sure, when you have such a high income for people of your age.

Maybe you or he just don't feel quite ready for the enormous commitment that marriage brings and that's ok. 

[Kellywellydoodle]

Being that you have just left uni, I am assuming that you were very very young when you met(maybe 15-16 or so?). If that is the case then there usually does need to be a fairly long courtship because you are still at school and not working.

However if you are now both 100% sure that you will marry, then why wait another 3 or 4 years???You are both working. OK you are wanting to study more, but you can work part time during that studying, your partner will be also working, or you can study part time while you work as well. Loads of people do this.

Ok I am a lot older than you, but I was married within 9 months of meeting my amazing husband. I knew in a week that he was the one I wanted to marry, and I wouldnt have wanted to wait any longer than that.
By the time you marry you may have been going out for 10 years(!!!!) and to me that seems somewhat strange. Do you think its possible that one of you isn't 100% sure? You may not want to consider that, but in my experience those who are sure about getting married wont wait 10 years. Has he even asked you to marry him?

I was only just 17 when we started going out so yeah...that definitely is a massive factor (we decided it would be better to wait till after I finished university). We freely talk about marriage and it's something that we BOTH know we want but just not yet...ie. we both still live with our parents and we would rather buy a house than rent. Basically the 4 year thing was the absolute maximum length of time from now that we decided on owed to the fact that I am thinking about doing a masters and PhD (4 years) after saving up this year and after talking about it we both decided that we couldn't wait till after I'd finished my PhD to get married because emotionally we're ready for it now. It's the kind of thing we both talk to each other about...so no he hasn't officially got down on one knee but we've talked enough about it to know about each other's intentions.

In the UK where I live renting is all that most young couples can afford, as they usually cant afford to buy till they are in their 30's or even 40's (if ever). I believe that rents there are far cheaper than here as well. So many kids here are staying with parents so long because of the very high housing costs here. Its not good or emotionally healthy really. I have friends with children from the ages of 26 to 34 still living with them!!!

I would be slightly wary of a young guy of that age being happy to wait so long to have physical intimacy with the girl he loves, when there are many ways round having to delay the marriage, but that's just me. I cant see why you are waiting any longer to be honest.

After 6 years I would have hoped/expected that he would have asked me to marry him by now, and at least to be engaged, but that's just my thoughts.

Gah...it's exactly married individuals like yourself that I have a problem with. You assume that because we don't have sex and we've been together a long time that there's something wrong/that we're not physically attracted to one another when we actually have a healthier and happier relationship than many married couples. When I'm in permanent fulltime employment we'll be on a very good joint wage...(maybe £50,000-£60,000 per annum) so moving out into a property of our own before I'm 25 (I'm 22 now) isn't that unrealistic.

Yes and as you have a really good income, you could easily rent now. My son and his wife earn a lot less that you, only about £45,000 together, and they rent a 2 bedroomed house in the South East and save as well.
It does depend on where you live in the UK. If you are in the south/south east its completely different than if you live further noth or west where housing and rents are half the price.

I remember reading a post from a lady who was having a terrible time with her husband. Before they married he was happy not to have sex and to wait for some time till they married.. She thought it was because of his morals  After marriage sex was rare, and she then realised that it had been because he just didn't want sex very much and she was really struggling with that. Bit of a warning there.

I just cant see why you would need to wait another 3 or 4 years if you are both sure, when you have such a high income for people of your age.

Maybe you or he just don't feel quite ready for the enormous commitment that marriage brings and that's ok.

Why is it wrong for us to want to save for a property rather than rent? We want the security of a house for when we have children of our own. That is just being sensible...
What I said about income was just our projected income for after I go through my teacher training...we're not on that now so we don't have that much money. We would rather wait and save for a house before we get married rather than throwing away dead money in rent. We love each other...we want to spend the rest of our lives together so what is a year or two in the scale of things if it means we can make a more comfortable life for our family?

[chosenone]

I think what I am trying to say, is that if you are both happy to wait another 3-4 years that's fine, but  you don't have to. There are many way that you could marry far sooner if either of you really wanted to.

Just wondering, my niece is a primary school teacher, and all she had to do was another one years study after her degree. Didn't you say you were going to do another 4 years?

[Kellywellydoodle]

I think what I am trying to say, is that if you are both happy to wait another 3-4 years that's fine, but  you don't have to. There are many way that you could marry far sooner if either of you really wanted to.

Just wondering, my niece is a primary school teacher, and all she had to do was another one years study after her degree. Didn't you say you were going to do another 4 years?

I might do a PhD in my subject area after this year and become a lecturer...I'm undecided as yet.

[chosenone]

I think what I am trying to say, is that if you are both happy to wait another 3-4 years that's fine, but  you don't have to. There are many way that you could marry far sooner if either of you really wanted to.

Just wondering, my niece is a primary school teacher, and all she had to do was another one years study after her degree. Didn't you say you were going to do another 4 years?

I might do a PhD in my subject area after this year and become a lecturer...I'm undecided as yet.

How would you be able to save up if you were studying full time for another 4 years after this year of working?

[chosenone]

I think in answer to the question, my opinion is that 10 years of dating isn't wrong but very inadvisable, and usually unnecessary.  If a guy hadn't asked me to marry him after 6 years of dating, I would be very concerned, and would be seriously praying about the future.

[TonkaTim]

Why is it wrong for us to want to save for a property rather than rent? We want the security of a house for when we have children of our own. That is just being sensible...
What I said about income was just our projected income for after I go through my teacher training...we're not on that now so we don't have that much money. We would rather wait and save for a house before we get married rather than throwing away dead money in rent. We love each other...we want to spend the rest of our lives together so what is a year or two in the scale of things if it means we can make a more comfortable life for our family?

Yall both live with your parents now....

Could yall not still do that as a married couple while yall save & prepare?

It wasn't that long ago that was quite acceptable.

[chosenone]

Why is it wrong for us to want to save for a property rather than rent? We want the security of a house for when we have children of our own. That is just being sensible...
What I said about income was just our projected income for after I go through my teacher training...we're not on that now so we don't have that much money. We would rather wait and save for a house before we get married rather than throwing away dead money in rent. We love each other...we want to spend the rest of our lives together so what is a year or two in the scale of things if it means we can make a more comfortable life for our family?

Yall both live with your parents now....

Could yall not still do that as a married couple while yall save & prepare?

It wasn't that long ago that was quite acceptable.

I know people who are married and living with parents. I wouldn't have wanted to do it myself unless they had a very large house, and it was only for a short time, but others seem to do it.

[Kellywellydoodle]

Why is it wrong for us to want to save for a property rather than rent? We want the security of a house for when we have children of our own. That is just being sensible...
What I said about income was just our projected income for after I go through my teacher training...we're not on that now so we don't have that much money. We would rather wait and save for a house before we get married rather than throwing away dead money in rent. We love each other...we want to spend the rest of our lives together so what is a year or two in the scale of things if it means we can make a more comfortable life for our family?

Yall both live with your parents now....

Could yall not still do that as a married couple while yall save & prepare?

It wasn't that long ago that was quite acceptable.

I hate the idea of living with either of our parents while we are married. Would I really want to sleep with my husband in the same house as his parents?...No not really. On one hand people are saying that it's ok to be together for a long time and not get married and then on the other hand are coming up with suggestions with how we could get married as soon as possible. Seriously people...what is wrong with taking your time? What is the rush?

[Kellywellydoodle]

I think what I am trying to say, is that if you are both happy to wait another 3-4 years that's fine, but  you don't have to. There are many way that you could marry far sooner if either of you really wanted to.

Just wondering, my niece is a primary school teacher, and all she had to do was another one years study after her degree. Didn't you say you were going to do another 4 years?

I might do a PhD in my subject area after this year and become a lecturer...I'm undecided as yet.

How would you be able to save up if you were studying full time for another 4 years after this year of working?

PhD's are paid...it's quite unlike undergraduate study...and I'd have enough time to do part-time jobs alongside plus my partner will be on a good wage. We have thought this through together in detail...

[Kellywellydoodle]

I think in answer to the question, my opinion is that 10 years of dating isn't wrong but very inadvisable, and usually unnecessary.  If a guy hadn't asked me to marry him after 6 years of dating, I would be very concerned, and would be seriously praying about the future.

I said 10 years as an absolute maximum...but hopefully much sooner than that ie. within the next 2 academic years. And we have an agreement between ourselves that that is what is going to happen...I don't need a ring on my finger to feel secure in my relationship. I'm sorry that you feel like you do - maybe that's insecurity on your part?...I think God has made his intentions pretty clear to us both. IMO it's more foolish to get married within 9 months...I know it's worked out for you but actually...few people run into problems within the first 9 months of their relationship and it isn't until you've been with someone for longer that you get to see them without rose tinted spectacles and you've seen them at their best and at their worst...you know their faults and you love them regardless. 'Very inadvisable'...on what grounds? The only negatives I've been able to draw from you is the potential that he may not be interested in sexual intimacy because we're putting off marriage for now...On that front I'm definitely not worried...we've spoken about stuff like that (in a very frank 'how much sex/ how often would you expect/want to have when we got married?' kind of way) and we've been tempted as much as any other Christian couple (but thankfully stood our ground)! I didn't ask this question initially to get some kind of analysis on whether or not our relationship is viable...I know that it is. My question was to gather general opinion on whether it is OK by God to 'date' for a long period of time...not just general personal opinions on long-term dating. Believe me...I've heard it alllllll before.

[chosenone]

I think in answer to the question, my opinion is that 10 years of dating isn't wrong but very inadvisable, and usually unnecessary.  If a guy hadn't asked me to marry him after 6 years of dating, I would be very concerned, and would be seriously praying about the future.

I said 10 years as an absolute maximum...but hopefully much sooner than that. And we have an agreement between ourselves that that is what is going to happen...I don't need a ring on my finger to feel secure in my relationship. I'm sorry that you feel like you do...I think God has made his intentions pretty clear to us both. IMO it's more foolish to get married within 9 months...I know it's worked out for you but actually...few people run into problems within the first 9 months of their relationship and it isn't until you've been with someone for longer that you see them without rose tin

  I knew in 3 or 4 days that he was the man God had sent, and God confirmed that to me though a verse from the Bible. If you know, why wait? I would have married him sooner if it had been possible. We went through a lot of hard things in the first year we knew each other, so there were no rose tinted specs. We were also always completely honest open with each other from the start. There were no secrets. We knew about all of each others baggage.

Derek Prince the well know Christian teacher, didn't date his two wives at all interestingly enough. In both cases God told him who he was going to marry, told the ladies as well, and that was that. They got married shortly after. I thought that was amazing showing how God leads you to the right one.

By the way I didn't actually need a ring,(I am not into things) but I do expect some sort of commitment, especially after 6 years.
I hope it works for you whichever way you choose to go. We are all different.

[Kellywellydoodle]

I think in answer to the question, my opinion is that 10 years of dating isn't wrong but very inadvisable, and usually unnecessary.  If a guy hadn't asked me to marry him after 6 years of dating, I would be very concerned, and would be seriously praying about the future.

I said 10 years as an absolute maximum...but hopefully much sooner than that. And we have an agreement between ourselves that that is what is going to happen...I don't need a ring on my finger to feel secure in my relationship. I'm sorry that you feel like you do...I think God has made his intentions pretty clear to us both. IMO it's more foolish to get married within 9 months...I know it's worked out for you but actually...few people run into problems within the first 9 months of their relationship and it isn't until you've been with someone for longer that you see them without rose tin

  I knew in 3 or 4 days that he was the man God had sent, and God confirmed that to me though a verse from the Bible. If you know, why wait? I would have married him sooner if it had been possible. We went through a lot of hard things in the first year we knew each other, so there were no rose tinted specs. We were also always completely honest open with each other from the start. There were no secrets. We knew about all of each others baggage.

Derek Prince the well know Christian teacher, didn't date his two wives at all interestingly enough. In both cases God told him who he was going to marry, told the ladies as well, and that was that. They got married shortly after. I thought that was amazing showing how God leads you to the right one.

By the way I didn't actually need a ring,(I am not into things) but I do expect some sort of commitment, especially after 6 years.
I hope it works for you whichever way you choose to go. We are all different.

We would marry tomorrow if we had the money but we just don't and I figure that when it is the right time God will provide all the finances we need to get married and get the house we so want (neither cheap by any stretch of the imagination). I also expect commitment...we are as committed to each other as a married couple...the only difference is that we aren't sexually intimate or living together. It is quite a miracle how the Lord brought us together...I came from a non-Christian background and came to faith when I was 15 after a friend from school took me to church. The same friend that introduced me to faith also introduced me to my partner. We became best friends and then partners. Without my faith I would have never even met him but the circumstances leading me to faith are so bizarre you couldn't make it up. I knew before we even got together that he was the man I'd marry...looking back maybe that was God speaking to me. I was only a very new Christian so I might not have understood it was from God at the time. The question: 'why wait?' is just as valid as 'why rush?' there is no right or wrong answer to this. It's just personal preference. As you said yourself we are all different. I've heard the whole no dating before marriage thing before and I respect it but you've got to admit that that approach would not work for the majority of the population...I mean how many people would interpret what God was saying to them correctly?...I would be wary of promoting that approach to relationships in general. I respect that it works for some people to get married relatively quickly (but you've got to bear in mind that if I'd got married within the first year of being with him I'd have had to get parental permission and we did not have enough money to support ourselves!) but in the same way people should respect that others can take a bit longer which isn't a reflection AT ALL on how much they love each other...it's purely circumstantial.

[DaveW]

Hi Kelly (again)

Again bear with me as I may get a bit technical on this. And perhaps a bit plain ...

I read your OP and had an answer to give but decided to read the responses first so I did not just reiterate what someone else already said.  I think my points are sufficiently different to warrant my responding as well.

You have said that you feel people do not regard the dating relationship seriously.  I would say there is good reason for that. God relates to man ALWAYS thru a covenant, and has commanded that intimate human relationships be thru covenant as well.  In our society marriage is pretty much the only covenant most of us ever encounter.  There are some matters of business law and real estate that deal with covenants as well.

God calls man and woman to be married or not. This dating relationship is some man-made limbo that is in between the 2 and scripturally never sanctioned.  THat may be part of the reason it is not taken seriously.  The other part is it screams "Indecision! Commitment Issues!" to those who are already married. You say you are just as committed to him as if you were married.  That is good but the commitment needs to be made more real than that.  I see what your bf is doing is violating 1 Cor 7.1 - he has kindled up emotions but is not taking them to fruition.

That brings up the next part.  You argue against those who say you are not physically attracted. But what does Paul say?  "It is better to marry than to burn." (1 Cor 7.9 )    So now if you have been burning for each other for 6 years and have withheld, what kind of pattern of intimacy do you think that has set up? By now, every hint of sexual desire is met with brute force to quiet it and that is by both of you. And if either of you leave those dates and go home and masturbate to get some relief; and have been doing THAT for 6 years ...   That CANNOT work in a marriage, and is why many marriages after long courtships have intimacy issues. The habits set in place now usually will take at least as long to get broken as they took to set up. And then only by a certain amount of effort.

I apologize because this will sound harsh.  But if you want a real chance with this guy, break it off now and reconnect in 3 or 4 years.  If you were really struggling with your libidos, then I would say (with Paul) get married immediately.  But it seems you are not.

[AVZ]

Long courtships are not wrong. But usually marriage is not a result of a long courtship.


sometimes it is...but the statistics show that most of the time a couple will end up married within a two year time period from the time they start dating to the time they are married.


the statistics show that most of these long term courtships never end well. That the guy or girl will leave the relationship with the other brokenhearted...and/or that if somehow there is a marriage relationship formed that there will be issues in physical intimacy later when married if there hasn't been SBM during this courtship period. (not my statistics and I thought that they would have been different myself)


Of course there will be exceptions to every statistics...but the vast majority of these are true. There would have to be some kind of extenuating circumstances to be an exception...not just good wishes.


Marriage is all about giving...giving of yourself and your body to another person. If it isn't that then you just have two people living in mutual coexistence which sometimes have sex. I see this often in other married couples relationships. It never ends well later.

John, with all due respect, but I don't think your post is fair to the OP.
It may be true that statistics show that long relations often do not end well, but statistics also show that divorce rates are on the rise.
Should that then be a reason not to get married?

The statistics go somewhat like this:

Age/Women/Men
A) Under 20 years old - 27.6 percent - 11.7 percent
B) 20 to 24 years old - 36.6 percent - 38.8 percent
C) 25 to 29 years old - 16.4 percent - 22.3 percent
D) 30 to 34 years old - 8.5 percent - 11.6 percent
E) 35 to 39 years old - 5.1 percent - 6.5 percent

So in your opinion, what is better?
1) Marry young and have a higher statistical chance on divorce
2) Marry older (perhaps by dating longer) and have a lower statistical chance on divorce

[chosenone]

I think in answer to the question, my opinion is that 10 years of dating isn't wrong but very inadvisable, and usually unnecessary.  If a guy hadn't asked me to marry him after 6 years of dating, I would be very concerned, and would be seriously praying about the future.

I said 10 years as an absolute maximum...but hopefully much sooner than that. And we have an agreement between ourselves that that is what is going to happen...I don't need a ring on my finger to feel secure in my relationship. I'm sorry that you feel like you do...I think God has made his intentions pretty clear to us both. IMO it's more foolish to get married within 9 months...I know it's worked out for you but actually...few people run into problems within the first 9 months of their relationship and it isn't until you've been with someone for longer that you see them without rose tin

  I knew in 3 or 4 days that he was the man God had sent, and God confirmed that to me though a verse from the Bible. If you know, why wait? I would have married him sooner if it had been possible. We went through a lot of hard things in the first year we knew each other, so there were no rose tinted specs. We were also always completely honest open with each other from the start. There were no secrets. We knew about all of each others baggage.

Derek Prince the well know Christian teacher, didn't date his two wives at all interestingly enough. In both cases God told him who he was going to marry, told the ladies as well, and that was that. They got married shortly after. I thought that was amazing showing how God leads you to the right one.

By the way I didn't actually need a ring,(I am not into things) but I do expect some sort of commitment, especially after 6 years.
I hope it works for you whichever way you choose to go. We are all different.

We would marry tomorrow if we had the money but we just don't and I figure that when it is the right time God will provide all the finances we need to get married and get the house we so want (neither cheap by any stretch of the imagination). I also expect commitment...we are as committed to each other as a married couple...the only difference is that we aren't sexually intimate or living together. It is quite a miracle how the Lord brought us together...I came from a non-Christian background and came to faith when I was 15 after a friend from school took me to church. The same friend that introduced me to faith also introduced me to my partner. We became best friends and then partners. Without my faith I would have never even met him but the circumstances leading me to faith are so bizarre you couldn't make it up. I knew before we even got together that he was the man I'd marry...looking back maybe that was God speaking to me. I was only a very new Christian so I might not have understood it was from God at the time. The question: 'why wait?' is just as valid as 'why rush?' there is no right or wrong answer to this. It's just personal preference. As you said yourself we are all different. I've heard the whole no dating before marriage thing before and I respect it but you've got to admit that that approach would not work for the majority of the population...I mean how many people would interpret what God was saying to them correctly?...I would be wary of promoting that approach to relationships in general. I respect that it works for some people to get married relatively quickly (but you've got to bear in mind that if I'd got married within the first year of being with him I'd have had to get parental permission and we did not have enough money to support ourselves!) but in the same way people should respect that others can take a bit longer which isn't a reflection AT ALL on how much they love each other...it's purely circumstantial.

Kelly My wedding was very cheap, you don't have to have a very expensive wedding. Many use that excuse of the cost, to delay getting married. My wedding, including what we wore, cost about £600. My daughter bought a beautiful wedding dress at Monsoon for only £120. It was stunning.
Presumably both sets of parents would help pay anyway.

No one is suggesting that you got married at 18(a year after you met)although of course you didnt need parents permission at 18, but we are now 6 years on and still not even a proposal or engagement or date set. Thats what concerns me. Waiting till you finished uni was quite sensible with you being so young, but now you are both working. Studying can be done on line with the open university or similar, or part time to enamel you to still work. There are so many ways round that would enable you to marry now if that is definitely what you both want.

What troubles me the most, is that in my experience, if someone needs to come here(or anywhere) and ask if something is ok or not, its shows that they are not completely at peace about it, otherwise why would they need to ask?. I never asked anyone whether I should marry my husband, or when or how, because I knew; because of this, I would suggest searching you heart, because The Holy Spirit may just be speaking to you and challenging you and wanting you to ask you searching questions about this whole thing. With both working you could easily afford a small rented flat, even house sharing, which is something my children did when they first left home, being able to save at the same time.  There are so many ways round it IF you are BOTH wanting to marry, and not just one of you delaying it because they arent 100% sure yet of wanting to be with the other person for the rest of your lives.

Just imagine after 9 or 10 years, if one of you admits that they want to end it, and that it isn't what they want, you will have wasted all that time on one person and will be devastated.

[imbondz]

Hi Kelly (again)

Again bear with me as I may get a bit technical on this. And perhaps a bit plain ...

I read your OP and had an answer to give but decided to read the responses first so I did not just reiterate what someone else already said.  I think my points are sufficiently different to warrant my responding as well.

You have said that you feel people do not regard the dating relationship seriously.  I would say there is good reason for that. God relates to man ALWAYS thru a covenant, and has commanded that intimate human relationships be thru covenant as well.  In our society marriage is pretty much the only covenant most of us ever encounter.  There are some matters of business law and real estate that deal with covenants as well.

God calls man and woman to be married or not. This dating relationship is some man-made limbo that is in between the 2 and scripturally never sanctioned.  THat may be part of the reason it is not taken seriously.  The other part is it screams "Indecision! Commitment Issues!" to those who are already married. You say you are just as committed to him as if you were married.  That is good but the commitment needs to be made more real than that.  I see what your bf is doing is violating 1 Cor 7.1 - he has kindled up emotions but is not taking them to fruition.

That brings up the next part.  You argue against those who say you are not physically attracted. But what does Paul say?  "It is better to marry than to burn." (1 Cor 7.9 )    So now if you have been burning for each other for 6 years and have withheld, what kind of pattern of intimacy do you think that has set up? By now, every hint of sexual desire is met with brute force to quiet it and that is by both of you. And if either of you leave those dates and go home and masturbate to get some relief; and have been doing THAT for 6 years ...   That CANNOT work in a marriage, and is why many marriages after long courtships have intimacy issues. The habits set in place now usually will take at least as long to get broken as they took to set up. And then only by a certain amount of effort.

I apologize because this will sound harsh.  But if you want a real chance with this guy, break it off now and reconnect in 3 or 4 years.  If you were really struggling with your libidos, then I would say (with Paul) get married immediately.  But it seems you are not.

I agree with this.  I think it's a bit strange to be dating for so long, 7 years, with no real intentions of getting married, no ring, no date set...etc.  Even if you both say you're going to marry each other.  It's not the same thing as having a ring, setting a date etc.

I think it's weird that the guy doesn't want to get married sooner than later so he can have sex.  I know that sounds shallow, but why wait any longer if you know you two are it?  Plus, i'm guessing you think it's a bit strange too since you're here asking about it. 

Once you're married, you can rent a cheap apartment, then save for a nice house.  You can find a decent apt for $500-$800 / month.  You didn't say how old he is?  After 23,24, a guy should be seriously starting to get out of his parents house.  I'm guessing if he popped the question tomorrow, you'd want to be married asap.  It's him that's the problem, not money, or time of relationship. 

just my 2 cents based on very limited information.