I want to seek forgiveness from someone, but I don't know if the timing is right

[alkt05]

I began dating my first and only boyfriend 5 years ago. Over the course, we have struggled, and while some of it was his fault (because relationships go 2 ways) I realize now that a majority of it was my fault. Unfortunately, I realized this too late. We broke up around April/May, had a bad fight in July that sent us spiraling down even more, and then in August after I moved to finish school, he dumped me. By dumped I mean he will not and has not talked to me, has not even tried to get a hold of me, and had his brother answer his phone to tell me to leave him alone. And when I asked if we could talk because I would be in town he had his brother reply to me. It's been almost a month. I found out Tuesday he is now courting someone else, and that broke me because we talked about getting back together. I was living in sin, and I believe I caused my own downfall for many many reasons that I do not feel like explaining on here. But after praying and reading my Bible and seeking counsel from other Christians and praying some more, I realize I was living of the world. The worst part is, looking back I can see I discouraged his faith. I feel like I should apologize to him, I want to apologize. While we were together I cheated on him multiple times, I lied to him, I sneaked around, I would party and drink and talk to other guys, break up with him and get back together, and then turn around and complain about everything he did wrong. And when he would not want to do something because of it being sinful or wrong or why I shouldn't do what I was doing I got defensive and didn't care and even tried to bring him down. No wonder he dumped me. I am nervous to apologize because I want to tell my ex, and I do not want his brother interfering with something personal between me and him. I also do not want to cause a problem or start a fight. But I still love him, and I think he should know that I am sorry. Another hesitation is, I cannot hide it even though I do not want it to come across this way to him, maybe it will make him rethink. Maybe it will make him, later on, want me back. I want to apologize because I am wrong, and he deserves to know (in my opinion) but I want to do it for him, selflessly, to benefit him and not me. Should I apologize? Or should I wait a few months or weeks? Or should I leave him alone?

[Helen]

If you want, write him a SHORT note of apology and don't bother him again.  He has moved on and you need to, too.

Concentrate on your relationship with the Lord and let HIM lead you where HE wants you to be.

[chosenone]

I agree with Helen. If you want to, send him a note and then leave it. He has said he wants nothing more to do with you and that isn't surprising.
Its totally understandable why he ended it. Dont date anyone else until you have matured and grown in God much more.

[JohnDB]

Well now,
I guess you did learn your lesson the hard way. If it is some comfort, some people never learn their lessons even if they have been repeatedly told over and over again what they are doing wrong and why it is wrong. You discovered and admitted it yourself which is a triumph.


You are in the dating world. Most mistakes in the world of single life and dating cost you the relationship...even just one can end a relationship.


But lets talk about this apology you wish to give him.
Answer some questions about this apology.


In what way will an apology from you actually benefit him? (real world and brass tacks)


Since he is returning to become closer to God at this time do you think he will forgive you whether you ask his forgiveness or not?


Isn't it more likely you are trying to appease your conscience by this requesting of forgiveness and his possible granting of it?
IOW don't you have more to gain from this appeal for forgiveness than he does?


If you were in his shoes and someone had treated you the way you did him, what would the chances be of granting such forgiveness?


Guys deal in respect...if a woman grants him some respect they are all hers. As I am sure you know by now that since your behavior was over the top in denying him respect and some new girl in his life is giving him respect your intrusion into his life is not going to be well received regardless of your intent.




What do you see as being truly in his best interests for the future?
What do you see as being realistically in your best interests for the future?


Keep in mind the goats at a rodeo.
I used to live in Idaho. Every year they have the Snake River Stampede which is their big rodeo. Many of the girls I knew wanted to participate in roping and etc beyond the normal barrel riding and etc. But they have strict rules about not allowing the girls to rope cattle or horses in competition. (Even though many of them actually did do this sort of work on their farms) So since the women insisted they can compete by roping goats.


In order to compete the girls would have to practice.


so they would put a goat in a chute attached to the corral and considering its a matter of timing they could get the timing down and rope the goat after some practice. But the whole time the goat they practice with is learning too.


I have seen a goat that a girl practiced too much with. They put the goat in the chute and sent him running at top speed into the corral. Sure enough when the goat got to a particular spot in the corral he would jerk his head and fall over as if he had just gotten roped. Darndest thing I have ever seen. No rope but the goat acted just like it had been.


We aren't too much removed from that goat unless we are focusing. If you are honest with yourself if you and your ex were to get back together again you would follow all the original programming and behave just as poorly as you did the first time. He would behave the same as well. The pressure from yourself (excusing and justifying yourself all along the way) would be too much to resist after a while.


In the end neither you or him would be happy with the relationship and be one of those miserable married couples.


One day when you are involved in a successful relationship and he is in a successful relationship the two of you, when meeting by chance, can engage in some polite conversation and then you can apologize profusely. At that moment he will fully accept your apology and might even become a friend again.


You have a lifetime yet to live and so does he. A correctly timed apology is more valuable than gold. It will have it's effect in due time. But not now.

[Nevertheless]

John, I think that's the best advice I've ever read from you.

[alkt05]

I wish I would have read this earlier, because I already delivered the note. I feel like it was right, but that is very well my bias of what is right for me. I did not excuse myself, I apologized for the wrong I did to him. I also let him know that if he has found someone who loves him and respects him that I am happy for him. I guess what I tried to do in the letter is something I should have done when we were together: build him up. I told him he is great, that God will bless him, and what he deserves from someone. When we were together, he would tell me how I hurt his self-esteem and how badly I hurt him, but I turned away when he would try to confide in me. I prayed before writing it, I prayed after writing it, I prayed before delivering it, and I prayed after delivering it. It does not necessarily lessen my conscience, as I will forever regret my past. He may not read it, he may not even care, but I thought maybe it will help him. I understand in giving him the letter there are possible consequences, but after 5 years of hurting him and disrespecting him, I wanted him to know that I am sorry. I was also very aware when writing to make sure it was focused on him. I admitted to living in sin and admitted to treating him bad, I apologized, but I also did my best to center the letter around him: how great he is, what he deserves, and even to encourage his new relationship. If I did this successfully I do not know. I have given it to him, I can't go back, all I am doing now is praying for myself and praying for him.

[JohnDB]

John, I think that's the best advice I've ever read from you.

The Lord moves in mysterious ways.

[DaveW]

John, I think that's the best advice I've ever read from you.

Best advice I have seen on this board for a while. (from anyone) I absolutely agree.

[chosenone]

I wish I would have read this earlier, because I already delivered the note. I feel like it was right, but that is very well my bias of what is right for me. I did not excuse myself, I apologized for the wrong I did to him. I also let him know that if he has found someone who loves him and respects him that I am happy for him. I guess what I tried to do in the letter is something I should have done when we were together: build him up. I told him he is great, that God will bless him, and what he deserves from someone. When we were together, he would tell me how I hurt his self-esteem and how badly I hurt him, but I turned away when he would try to confide in me. I prayed before writing it, I prayed after writing it, I prayed before delivering it, and I prayed after delivering it. It does not necessarily lessen my conscience, as I will forever regret my past. He may not read it, he may not even care, but I thought maybe it will help him. I understand in giving him the letter there are possible consequences, but after 5 years of hurting him and disrespecting him, I wanted him to know that I am sorry. I was also very aware when writing to make sure it was focused on him. I admitted to living in sin and admitted to treating him bad, I apologized, but I also did my best to center the letter around him: how great he is, what he deserves, and even to encourage his new relationship. If I did this successfully I do not know. I have given it to him, I can't go back, all I am doing now is praying for myself and praying for him.

Good for you. I definitely think you have done the right thing. Its always good to say sorry when you have hurt someone. Its easy to ask God for forgiveness but not to easy to say sorry directly. It takes a strong person to apologise when they are in the wrong.

Its up to him whether he reads it or not, and whether he accepts the apology or not, but that's not your business now, you have done what you needed to do and so now you need to move on.

[Nevertheless]

Its up to him whether he reads it or not, and whether he accepts the apology or not, but that's not your business now, you have done what you needed to do and so now you need to move on.

Definitely.