Considering a divorce

[berdonj]

Hi everyone,
This is my second marriage and I have been married for 13 years legally and have been with this man for a total of 30 years. This man took on a already made family and it was not easy. I warned him about us getting together seriously in the beginning about taking on a ready made family and I told him I was not in love with him. The kids were ages 9 and 5 yrs old at the time. After he two boys graduated this now husband ask me to marry him. I told him I was still not in love with him. he told me in time that I will fall in love with him and he wants me to carry his last name. He is a very good man and he provides and works very hard. So, with him wanting me so desperately wanting me to carry is last name. I said I do and will marry you. Since then our marriage was only one sided love and that was from my husband. I was just going through the motion and had no feeling for him. No passion etc of any kind, but he was comfortable with me and like providing for us. I would ask him if he was happy and he would tell me yes. I couldn't understand him. As the years went by we both got into financial debt and my husband would keep trying to work hard, but we were getting no where. We are now room mates. For the past 7 years my husband had several serious surgeries and he got hooked on prescription pain pills. He became an addict and since this happen we have gone through so much suffering and pain. He just detox last month and is a recovering addict. but he put us so deep in debt, that my parent and family want me to leave him at this point. I am going to file Chapter 7 and try to clear up all our mess. I would like to start over fresh. My question is. Should I still stay with this man?

[chosenone]

Hi
Firstly are you both Christians? You don't mention that, and being that you lived together for so long I wasn't sure.
If you are then I cant see that you have Biblical reasons to leave him and divorce. He hasn't committed sexual immorality and he hasnt abandoned you. His addiction came as a result of operations and ill health,
You did have a choice not to be with this man, and not to marry him, but it seems you lived with him for many many years while he provided for you and your two children, and then only 12 years ago you then chose to marry him. No one can make you live with or marry anyone, it was your decision.
You did make promises to him for better and for worse. You are now in the 'worse' part, so are you going to break those promises?
Forgive me, but I am assuming that you are getting on in age, maybe 60's or even 70's? Do you really want yet another divorce at this stage of your life?Have you prayed about it?

[berdonj]

Hi Choseone, thank you for your advice and yes we are both Christians. It was really truly a reality when you mentioned marriage for better or worse. Yes, it is the worse right now, and this man has been through the worst times with me and stood by my side. For some reason I am not like this man and I wish I had the kind of commitment he has. We both pray a lot and we have been praying about our situation. From what I know God will answer my prayer's on his time. I am going to leave my marriage situation to God and let it be. For me every time I chose to do something my way, I always lose. My husband and I have gone to marriage counseling in the past for a year. It did not work for us. So, I will just leave it in the Lords hands and where he leads me is the answer.

[chosenone]

HI again
There are two prayer books called 'The Power of praying for your Husband' and 'The power of praying for your wife' By Stormie Omartian. There are many scriptural prayers in there that you can pray for each other.
Also the Book called 'the five love languages' by Gary Chapman. He say that we all have different love languages such as touch, quality time, words of affirmation etc and we need to find out what our spouses love language is. You could read it together if he willing. Its very useful.

It very encouraging that you pray together. Ask God to give you HIS love for this man. Try not to speak negatively about him, but to always appreciate the good that he has done and his positive qualities. Dont run him down to family or friends, as that wont help either. Speak positive words. Our words are so important, and they can build up or tear down.
I know its not easy to stay in a marriage that seems to have more negatives than positives, but unless there is sexual immorality or severe abuse or abandonment then I cant see that divorce is an option.

[TJW]

this man has been through the worst times with me and stood by my side.

Wow.  And he has lived all of these years in unrequited love.  He has taken on your children where he had no responsibility to do so.

For some reason I am not like this man and I wish I had the kind of commitment he has.

Well, I can tell you the reason.  It is because you "wish".

Jesus said:  (Mark 11:24)

Therefore I say unto you, whatever things you desire, when you pray, believe that you will receive them, and you shall have them.

You are, sadly, living in a huge misunderstanding about your emotions, and how they relate to your actions.
You have been taught this misunderstanding by Hollywood,  who uses the oldest sales technique in the book to make their money, the idea that someone gives you something for nothing.  No effort on your part, love will "find you" and "tap you on the shoulder" someday.

The bible usage of the word "believe" is quite different than the common usage of the word, today.   It is more than "mental assent".  The bible "believe" means:

You are standing in a busy street intersection.  Someone tells you "...you better get out of that intersection....if you don't, you are going to get hit....".

If you "believe", you will get out of the road.

In your case, I am going to tell you how to completely solve your problem.

I want you, for the next 40 days, to imagine what you would do, if you COMPETELY LOVED your husband.
And, DO IT.  Whether you feel like it, or whether you don't feel like it, DO IT.

And, I'm going to tell you WHY you should do this:

because......the Lord Jesus Christ DESERVES to have you do it.

and, because..... you BELIEVE that what He told you is true.

[JohnDB]

You will gravitate your actions towards what you believe about yourself to be true. Whether or not it is reality. (People lie to themselves more often than to others)

For whatever reason what you believe about yourself is horrible and one the worst attitudes a person can have. WHY?

You ARE in control of your attitudes & opinions and can change. YOU own and are responsible for your own feelings & emotions. The marriage counseling didn't help simply because YOU didn't wish it to.

You can be as evil or as good as you wish even though you claim to want to be "good". Reality is actions. Good intentions do not cut the mustard.

The horrible truth is that you really love your husband despite your best efforts not to. What you do now is really going to effect your relationship with God. Not because God's heart will change but because you can harden your own heart.

There is something worse than a broken heart and that is a heart that feels nothing and that is much much worse.

[berdonj]

Oh my, and  WOW

Thank you Chosenone for the info on the books to read and having both my husband and I pray together. I will take TJW and JohnDB advice. I have been pulling away from my husband and I will do the 40 day's of first imagining what it is to completely love this man. Then I will try it even if I feel it won't work etc. I really don't know how it would feel, and for some reason it scares me. I do wish and more so believe that I can love this man. Yes, I do not want to have a harden heart. Yes, I do love this man and I will not let my family, parents etc try to destroy it. I have some work to do and I will pray to God to see me through all of this. For better or worst, I will love him. Thank you all, and here comes my tears of joy. 

[TJW]

I really don't know how it would feel, and for some reason it scares me.

I think that reason is vulnerability.  Many people think that if they open up their heart to someone else, they will be hurt.   Some have been hurt in the past by those they opened up to.

You have probably never experienced the "feeling".  Let me assure you, it is wonderful.  You will want to keep it.  In fact, as you continue to practice love, the feeling seems to "drive".... that is, it becomes a "habit".... a good habit....

There is a cure for fear for those of us who know the Lord.  We can know that our Lord will supply whatever we need, for as long as we live, and throughout eternity. 

My prediction is that God is going to give you a totally new lease on life through this.

Doubtless, there are times when those to whom we become vulnerable hurt us.  They are human and not God.  But God is there, when they do.

And, God will indeed see you through all of this.  He will help you to do what you need to do.

[chosenone]

Oh my, and  WOW

Thank you Chosenone for the info on the books to read and having both my husband and I pray together. I will take TJW and JohnDB advice. I have been pulling away from my husband and I will do the 40 day's of first imagining what it is to completely love this man. Then I will try it even if I feel it won't work etc. I really don't know how it would feel, and for some reason it scares me. I do wish and more so believe that I can love this man. Yes, I do not want to have a harden heart. Yes, I do love this man and I will not let my family, parents etc try to destroy it. I have some work to do and I will pray to God to see me through all of this. For better or worst, I will love him. Thank you all, and here comes my tears of joy. 

[Reverend M]

Hi everyone,
This is my second marriage and I have been married for 13 years legally and have been with this man for a total of 30 years. This man took on a already made family and it was not easy. I warned him about us getting together seriously in the beginning about taking on a ready made family and I told him I was not in love with him. The kids were ages 9 and 5 yrs old at the time. After he two boys graduated this now husband ask me to marry him. I told him I was still not in love with him. he told me in time that I will fall in love with him and he wants me to carry his last name. He is a very good man and he provides and works very hard. So, with him wanting me so desperately wanting me to carry is last name. I said I do and will marry you. Since then our marriage was only one sided love and that was from my husband. I was just going through the motion and had no feeling for him. No passion etc of any kind, but he was comfortable with me and like providing for us. I would ask him if he was happy and he would tell me yes. I couldn't understand him. As the years went by we both got into financial debt and my husband would keep trying to work hard, but we were getting no where. We are now room mates. For the past 7 years my husband had several serious surgeries and he got hooked on prescription pain pills. He became an addict and since this happen we have gone through so much suffering and pain. He just detox last month and is a recovering addict. but he put us so deep in debt, that my parent and family want me to leave him at this point. I am going to file Chapter 7 and try to clear up all our mess. I would like to start over fresh. My question is. Should I still stay with this man?

You know, love is a choice we make every day. My wife and I hit a rough spot a few years ago. I was suffering from two debilitating physical conditions and severe depression, she was feeling alienated and unloved. In the end we sought counseling and made a conscious effort to love one another every day. Here's another book for you:

http://thelovedarebook.com/

See the movie "Fireproof" if you can find a copy to borrow or just buy it. God bless.