Just married and full of regret

[adams325]

Hello,
I'm at a loss. You may hate me after this post, but I have to get this out. I just got married two weeks ago, but for all the wrong reasons. My wife has had a rough life compared to me. I've always felt sorry for her, and have done my best to build her up. Somewhere along the way I started loving her out of compassion alone. After a year and half of dating, she started putting the pressure on to get married. Eventually, I got an ultimatum. I wasn't ready to say goodbye to her, so I caved and proposed. It was more romantic than it sounds, but this was a major mistake. She picked a date, and I agreed to it. Again, major mistake. We were engaged for six months, and for those six months I saw a counselor. I did everything I could to get someone to tell me that I needed to break this relationship off. I even told my brother, my dad and one of my best friends that I felt like it was a big mistake. My wife's dad tried to kill himself two months before the wedding. It was emotionally devastating to us both. I tried to postpone the wedding, but my fiance fought the suggestion. I thought about calling it off, but didn't have the courage to. My counselor suggested an antidepressant to help me get through the "anxiety" I was having. I don't think I would have gone through with it, had I not been on the meds. The wedding itself was beautiful. All our friends and family raved about it. I had this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach the whole time, and our honeymoon was an emotional rollercoaster. I feel as if I married her to make her happy, and to avoid making a mess of things. Well, this is way worse. All I can think about is how to undo this. I've been reading about annulments, which just makes me hate myself. I just don't know what to do. I'm a terrible person. While I thought I was helping her, by being steadfast, I've become the worst kind of husband. She deserves so much better than me. I just can't believe I did this. I feel insane.
I come here because there is literally no one I can talk to now. I don't even know how to talk to God about this right now. I made vows that I want to keep, but I don't how.
Thanks for reading. Please refrain from hurtful comments. I know what I've done was cowardly. Please know that I prayed and thought about this for months before we got married. I just didn't listen.

[Reverend M]

Hello,
I'm at a loss. You may hate me after this post, but I have to get this out. I just got married two weeks ago, but for all the wrong reasons. My wife has had a rough life compared to me. I've always felt sorry for her, and have done my best to build her up. Somewhere along the way I started loving her out of compassion alone. After a year and half of dating, she started putting the pressure on to get married. Eventually, I got an ultimatum. I wasn't ready to say goodbye to her, so I caved and proposed. It was more romantic than it sounds, but this was a major mistake. She picked a date, and I agreed to it. Again, major mistake. We were engaged for six months, and for those six months I saw a counselor. I did everything I could to get someone to tell me that I needed to break this relationship off. I even told my brother, my dad and one of my best friends that I felt like it was a big mistake. My wife's dad tried to kill himself two months before the wedding. It was emotionally devastating to us both. I tried to postpone the wedding, but my fiance fought the suggestion. I thought about calling it off, but didn't have the courage to. My counselor suggested an antidepressant to help me get through the "anxiety" I was having. I don't think I would have gone through with it, had I not been on the meds. The wedding itself was beautiful. All our friends and family raved about it. I had this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach the whole time, and our honeymoon was an emotional rollercoaster. I feel as if I married her to make her happy, and to avoid making a mess of things. Well, this is way worse. All I can think about is how to undo this. I've been reading about annulments, which just makes me hate myself. I just don't know what to do. I'm a terrible person. While I thought I was helping her, by being steadfast, I've become the worst kind of husband. She deserves so much better than me. I just can't believe I did this. I feel insane.
I come here because there is literally no one I can talk to now. I don't even know how to talk to God about this right now. I made vows that I want to keep, but I don't how.
Thanks for reading. Please refrain from hurtful comments. I know what I've done was cowardly. Please know that I prayed and thought about this for months before we got married. I just didn't listen.

I have an Indian friend, as in East Indian.

He married an American girl who used him and abused him, and after they divorced he eventually decided to marry again and asked his parents to arrange it. When I asked him about it he told me his brother had married a girl in an arrangement his parents had made, and at last count, they had been married 20 years. Besides, he said, he had done it his way and and it hadn't worked very well.

I have said for years that love is not a feeling, it's a choice you make every day, whether the object of that love is your spouse, your God, or your life.

And you tell God about this the same way you have told us.

[chosenone]

adams, I think you need to stop thinking about ending the marriage. You can only get an annulment for certain reasons, and if you have had sex, aren't underage, aren't related etc you wont qualify.
You are probably right in that you shouldn't have carried on seeing this girl if you knew she wasnt the right girl for you, and I am amazed that no one you knew who you told of your doubt didn't say that you need to end it. However we don't need others to tell us what to do, WE need to make those decisions. You did marry her however, and now you need to make the decision to love her and cherish her and be faithful to her as you have promised. You have no reason to divorce her do you.
No where does the bible say we can divorce if we dont love our spouse, and remember in Bible times most marriages were arranged anyway so few would have loved their spouse from the start(or even known much about them).

[TJW]

I know that this is going to be contrary to main-line thinking.

Please know that I prayed and thought about this for months before we got married. I just didn't listen.

Please, don't do what I did.  I could have written your original post myself.  I stayed in the marriage fo 18 years.

I wouldn't describe myself as the "worst kind of husband", however, I had to battle my way through extreme resentment, and daily heartache.

I strained at the gnat and swallowed the camel.  And, that's exactly what I see you doing.

The gnat would have been to simply get out after the first month.  At that point, my wife was still able-bodied, attractive, and could have found someone else more compatible.

I would have moved on, gone back to college, studied divinity and music, and become the minister I wanted to be.

Instead, she and I BOTH got to swallow the camel.  Me, from an unmerciful financial hardship, and her, from a resentful husband doing his "duty".

this was a major mistake

Yes, it was.  And, is, for BOTH of you. 

The question, however, is what IMPACT you want the mistake to have on your lives. 

If you get out now, you and your wife will, over time, forgive yourselves for the mistake and move on, while you are still young and can still accomplish what God has for you in life.

As you let this go longer, the impact becomes higher.  God forbid that any children come into the picture, then you are REALLY STUCK.

[anx]

I think you need to get into counseling right away. You can still have a happy life with this woman, but I think you need quality christian counseling to figure out your next step. I think you need to try to give this your 110%. Any choice you would make without first doing that I think would be wrong.

You may have started out the wrong way, but that doesn't mean the future can't be great. I think you need help to get from where you are at to see if a great future with this woman can happen. I think it very likely can, but feeling forced and trapped in any relationship is a bad thing and will feed on itself.

Blessing

[HRoberson]

Well, you blew this one, huh?

I hear TJW and I understand his argument.

And I can understand that course.

But, you have made a life promise to your wife, and if there is one thing God expects, it's steadfastness in the face of hardship.

Even so, you haven't been in therapy with me, and I don't know your and your wife's story, so I can't offer suggestions one way or the other.

I do know that your adjustment positively or negatively, is up to you. Whichever you choose, do so wholehearedly, and don't live in the past.

[maryannsouthard]

I do want to reply.  I hope you are doing well, Friend.  My heart aches for you.

[Pkbrother]

adam
were you raised in church....how old are you?
was she raised in chruch?
are your in church now?

just reading your post  doesnt sound like a major down and out issue...
as stated...love is a choice.....love is also a long term relationship with your wife and with God...not a microwave button.....

Love is not an emotion although it is expressed as an emotion.....

sounds like you love her and she loves you....
i have seen a whole lot worse situations that turned out to be good marriages.....

isaac married rebecah and they had never met...he chose to learn to love her...

in recent generations  WWII  many times met 1 weekend married the next month,,,,went to war for 4 years and came back and stayed hapily married for life.........they learned to love each other as a choice...

stop listeneing to the devil and trust God...He will work this out......

at least you love her and she loves you...you have a good start.........
i have seen couples marry for a whole lot of worse reasons than you did.....
trust me there is no perfect people and no perfect marraige....

it starts as a man with committing your relation to God..and your marriage to God.
Have some older man at your church pray for you and encourage you.....

I beleieve your gonna be OK...