Sexual sin-Old enough and wise enough to know better

[Helen]

Bonita, quit trying to feel sorry for him or blame his background.  Lots of people have horrid backgrounds and manage to live decent, good lives afterwards and be faithful spouses and good parents.  He has made choices.  You have, too. 

Now what choice are you going to make?  Keep sinking deeper in the mire with him or obey God and start walking straight?

[chosenone]

Bonita, quit trying to feel sorry for him or blame his background.  Lots of people have horrid backgrounds and manage to live decent, good lives afterwards and be faithful spouses and good parents.  He has made choices.  You have, too. 

Now what choice are you going to make?  Keep sinking deeper in the mire with him or obey God and start walking straight?

I agree with this. I know loads of people who have had hard painful lives, but they are doing ok. Sometimes we can use these things as an excuse.

[Bonitalynn]

Let me clarify, I am NOT considering marrying him. I have stated repeatedly that I believe problems need to be fixed first because marriage doesn't fix problems. My questions were never about should I go ahead and marry him, but about what to do now, since I can't marry him the way things are. Also, just because I can understand his pain, his problem, and can sympathize with how I know he will feel, it doesn't mean I don't think some serious action needs to be taken, for his sake and mine, because obviously I do know that the way things have been happening is wrong, or I wouldn't be here.

Bonita, quit trying to feel sorry for him or blame his background.  Lots of people have horrid backgrounds and manage to live decent, good lives afterwards and be faithful spouses and good parents.  He has made choices.  You have, too. 

Now what choice are you going to make?  Keep sinking deeper in the mire with him or obey God and start walking straight?

I agree with this. I know loads of people who have had hard painful lives, but they are doing ok. Sometimes we can use these things as an excuse.

I am not trying to feel sorry for him. I do feel sorry for him, and I don't think it's wrong to feel sorry for someone who has a problem that has such a hold on them that it is screwing up their life and causing them pain.
But of course, in order to have sympathy, one must first believe that such problems can exist in people, and that, contrary to your apparent belief, not everyone uses it as an handy excuse.
And yes, loads, and loads, and even more loads of people have had hard painful lives and are doing OK,
but there are loads and loads of people that have had hard painful lives and are NOT doing ok. 

[Cally]

Let me clarify, I am NOT considering marrying him. I have stated repeatedly that I believe problems need to be fixed first because marriage doesn't fix problems. My questions were never about should I go ahead and marry him, but about what to do now, since I can't marry him the way things are. Also, just because I can understand his pain, his problem, and can sympathize with how I know he will feel, it doesn't mean I don't think some serious action needs to be taken, for his sake and mine, because obviously I do know that the way things have been happening is wrong, or I wouldn't be here.

Bonita, quit trying to feel sorry for him or blame his background.  Lots of people have horrid backgrounds and manage to live decent, good lives afterwards and be faithful spouses and good parents.  He has made choices.  You have, too. 

Now what choice are you going to make?  Keep sinking deeper in the mire with him or obey God and start walking straight?

I agree with this. I know loads of people who have had hard painful lives, but they are doing ok. Sometimes we can use these things as an excuse.

I am not trying to feel sorry for him. I do feel sorry for him, and I don't think it's wrong to feel sorry for someone who has a problem that has such a hold on them that it is screwing up their life and causing them pain.
But of course, in order to have sympathy, one must first believe that such problems can exist in people, and that, contrary to your apparent belief, not everyone uses it as an handy excuse.
And yes, loads, and loads, and even more loads of people have had hard painful lives and are doing OK,
but there are loads and loads of people that have had hard painful lives and are NOT doing ok. 

Sounds like you have a good heart toward this whole thing. Thank you for that. ;)

[chosenone]

Let me clarify, I am NOT considering marrying him. I have stated repeatedly that I believe problems need to be fixed first because marriage doesn't fix problems. My questions were never about should I go ahead and marry him, but about what to do now, since I can't marry him the way things are. Also, just because I can understand his pain, his problem, and can sympathize with how I know he will feel, it doesn't mean I don't think some serious action needs to be taken, for his sake and mine, because obviously I do know that the way things have been happening is wrong, or I wouldn't be here.

Bonita, quit trying to feel sorry for him or blame his background.  Lots of people have horrid backgrounds and manage to live decent, good lives afterwards and be faithful spouses and good parents.  He has made choices.  You have, too. 

Now what choice are you going to make?  Keep sinking deeper in the mire with him or obey God and start walking straight?

I agree with this. I know loads of people who have had hard painful lives, but they are doing ok. Sometimes we can use these things as an excuse.

I am not trying to feel sorry for him. I do feel sorry for him, and I don't think it's wrong to feel sorry for someone who has a problem that has such a hold on them that it is screwing up their life and causing them pain.
But of course, in order to have sympathy, one must first believe that such problems can exist in people, and that, contrary to your apparent belief, not everyone uses it as an handy excuse.
And yes, loads, and loads, and even more loads of people have had hard painful lives and are doing OK,
but there are loads and loads of people that have had hard painful lives and are NOT doing ok. 

Yes but often its a choice and a decision to either carry on letting the past ruin your future, or to let it go and make a decision NOT to let it control all that you do from that time on.
I know two young people who were sexually abused by their father. Both have now forgiven and are living productive and happy lives. One said recently, 'He may have ruined my childhood but I am not going to let him ruin the rest of my life'. With Gods help this is possible.

I just cannot believe that we have no control over our actions. We do. Otherwise we would justify the most heinous of crimes. If he truly cant control his sexual urges and actions, then isnt that rather scary? How can he ever be trusted?

I think you need to step back, break off the engagement and leave it to God. You are trying to rescue him(and we often think we can rescue people don't we), but you aren't the one who can. Only he and God can do that together. Only time will tell if he will come through.

Its normal to feel sorry for people who are struggling, but that doesn't always mean that we can get them out of the mire, or that they are the right marriage partners for us.

[Bonitalynn]

I think you need to step back, break off the engagement and leave it to God. You are trying to rescue him(and we often think we can rescue people don't we), but you aren't the one who can. Only he and God can do that together. Only time will tell if he will come through.

Its normal to feel sorry for people who are struggling, but that doesn't always mean that we can get them out of the mire, or that they are the right marriage partners for us.

You are right. I have been trying to rescue him. I have been having so much sympathy for his bad life, so much understanding of his problems, and have been absorbing his emotions and feeling them, over my own.
I have been putting so much into essentially being a "counselor" to help him, that I had pushed aside and gave lesser importance to all the ways that this was internally and negatively affecting me.

[Rella]

No one has suggested that he is beyond redemption HOWEVER...
you yourself has just written a long saga about how "you" cannot really say no to him when you are in his presence.

You are drawn and attracted and possibly love this man and to say no and keep it no is not working for you.

This man has a very serious problem....

He is not alone in this world and with every thing being throw into his face
in the way of seductions from the internet to the little high school girls in their cute little mini skirts, to the women in the offices with their plunging necklines and
lack of wearing undies he is tossed to the wolves as much as putting an alcoholic into the middle of a liquor store or a very obese person in the middle of a chocolate factory.

This has nothing to do with his love for GOD... this has everything to do with the
temptations and stimulations that he will never be able to avoid.

He is going to need a lifetime of therapy to overcome and at that may not really succeed.

As to you....

Lets say you quit the sex and get married where the sex will be blessed by God.

Your man will not stay true to you... No matter how good his intentions are.

He cannot as he is sick.

No idea what your situation is in the weight arena but have you ever had need to go on a diet to loose some pounds.... You had the intention.... You even were successful for a while.... but eventually that temptation made you cave.

You need to move on and find another.... For your own sanity and well being.