We just can't live together...

[Vee]

I need advice on coming to terms with an unhappy marriage.

My husband and I married too quickly 8 years ago. The arguments started as soon as we married. I have left 4 times due to his anger, the longest being for two years after he was consoling and then quickly cruel after my fathers death. Every time I left, we still kept in close contact and working to restore. Before we married, and when Ive left, things are okay, they seem to go in a positive direction. When we are in the same household, it is a completely different story.

He is from a christian family, his parents have been married 40+ years. He is not a Christian. I am not from a Christian family, my parents both divorced several times. I decided to become a Christian about 4 years ago.

He is a very hard worker and is married to his job, working 10-12 hr days, 6 days a week. I am more laid back but work a 40 hour week. I feel he is married to his job and his side of the family. He has large family that all live nearby. I have no family nearby, just close friends. We have no children.

I feel more like he is my teenage son than my husband. He comes in from "work" at various hours, sometimes calls, mostly not. He does not take me out, buys me things, or even calls during the day to say hello. We have separate accounts. I have no idea how much me makes or spends. I pay a little over half of the household bills because he put down the money to buy and start fixing the place. He will call occasionally, only if he needs something. He will go visit family without telling me and only invites them over when he is angry at me. He angers easily and says mean things in anger. The next day or a few days later, he acts as though nothing has happened.

When separated, we went to counseling. As soon as I came back, he refused to go back. Years ago, One of the times we separated, I kissed another man, and told him afterwards. I was tired of my husband constantly lying, pornography, and him hiding phone calls, etc. I have not done anything like that again, nor do I intend to. I am sorry and was sorry.

He accepted my apology years ago, We've been living together again about 9 months and the arguments, berating, and spiteful behavior has begun again. He says he works and is tired. He used "all of his savings" to buy our place and I have done "nothing". After all the money he put, and after he forgave me, I should be grateful to have a place and not nag him. The thing is, he acted like this prior to buying the place and prior to my kissing someone else. He does not apologize for his behavior. He is Hot and cold. he has no problem coming up with time or money when the family wants to do something... he will do things with them without me or go alone and tell me to drive myself.

I love the man, but am honestly tired of this lifestyle. I feel very alone in my marriage. God hates divorce and I'm learning to be a Christian but I don't think I have the patience to stay much longer. I never know what will set him off. He wants to live a single life but only have a wife to come home to, or call when he needs something resolved.

Any thoughts?

[chosenone]

Is he addicted to porn?

[Vee]

For the first few years he hid porn, then sexual pics on his phone. I haven't seen any evidence in years. I can't say yes or no. His phone is locked and he spends most of the day out.

[Helen]

Essentially, he has abandon you.  You are roommates and he is not caring for you at all.  I would at least move out and be on my own to get some peace and quiet in my heart.  Living apart is not divorce.  If he then decides to divorce you, let him.

[chosenone]

I would suggest that you separate again and go to counselling as before, but don't go back until you have made it clear that that you will not accept his lies, anger, verbal abuse, deceptions, workaholic mentality and lack of love and respect. It seems when he thinks he may loose you he tries, but otherwise he doesn't.
Also get Christian friends to pray for him to come to know Jesus.
That may be the only thing that will change him.

To be honest, it doesn't doesnt like much of a marriage, where there is no love shown, no respect for you, lies and secrecy about money and other things, verbal abuse and the two of you spending practically no time together. Also why is his phone locked and what were the secret phone calls?
I almost have to ask why the two of you married.

[FireSword]

Sounds like he needs some breathing space from the wife, being a wife does not mean you become like a cctc camera. Why you want to look at his phone? I bet you most wifes would not let their husbands look at theirs. You have to trust him more.

[Helen]

Sounds like he needs some breathing space from the wife, being a wife does not mean you become like a cctc camera. Why you want to look at his phone? I bet you most wifes would not let their husbands look at theirs. You have to trust him more.

I don't know about 'most,' but my husband and I have the best marriage I have seen and he is more than welcome to look at anything I post or write or listen to anything I say.  I know he feels the same about me.  We're a team.  There is absolutely no reason to hide anything but birthday and Christmas gifts from each other. 

[FireSword]

Sounds like he needs some breathing space from the wife, being a wife does not mean you become like a cctc camera. Why you want to look at his phone? I bet you most wifes would not let their husbands look at theirs. You have to trust him more.

I don't know about 'most,' but my husband and I have the best marriage I have seen and he is more than welcome to look at anything I post or write or listen to anything I say.  I know he feels the same about me.  We're a team.  There is absolutely no reason to hide anything but birthday and Christmas gifts from each other.

How long did it take to get there?

[chosenone]

Sounds like he needs some breathing space from the wife, being a wife does not mean you become like a cctc camera. Why you want to look at his phone? I bet you most wifes would not let their husbands look at theirs. You have to trust him more.

I have no problems with my husband seeing anything at any time and nor he with me. We each know the others passwords and we have joint bank account. We have no secrets. We have been like that from the beginning, now married 8 years.
Usually those who do feel they need to look, are those who cant trust their spouses because of secrets, lies and deceptions.

This lady clearly doesn't really trust him, and never knows where she is with him. She has no security.

[Helen]

Sounds like he needs some breathing space from the wife, being a wife does not mean you become like a cctc camera. Why you want to look at his phone? I bet you most wifes would not let their husbands look at theirs. You have to trust him more.

I don't know about 'most,' but my husband and I have the best marriage I have seen and he is more than welcome to look at anything I post or write or listen to anything I say.  I know he feels the same about me.  We're a team.  There is absolutely no reason to hide anything but birthday and Christmas gifts from each other.

How long did it take to get there?

We were like that from the beginning and still are.

[Vee]

Thank u all for your answers. I guess at this point, my issue is will God accept my leaving again? Would that be forcing a divorce?

We married foolishly. As a boyfriend he was nice but we didn't allow enough time to know each other. A few Christian friends and his parents have said foolish or not, I got married and marriage is for life. Sometimes I feel he is also in an emotional tug of war. Either there are other factors I don't know about or maybe he does not want to be with me but is also scared of divorce. When I have left, he takes it very personally, not ever fully accepting his behavior caused me to leave. Even when he has told me to leave, he quickly looks and calls around to see where I am. At those times he calls me daily.

We've both made mistakes but I'm the only one who seems to want to work at the marriage. I read power of praying wife and 5 love languages, go to church, bible study, have sought counsel on my own and still don't have a clear resolution.

I'm confused more about what is my responsibility as a Christian? Do I stay, accept the choice I made, pray and love him through this 'season'? Or do I "not associate with an angry man" and leave for good?

[Helen]

Sweetie, it takes TWO to make a marriage.  One can't do it.  I tried.  It doesn't work.  You have a couple of Christian choices here:

1.  Stay with him simply as a witness, praying for God's grace each day and knowing that you are essentially a single.

2.  Separate and get your own apartment and stay there until he absolutely definitely changes or divorces you. 

Neither is wrong.  Both hurt.

God bless.

[Vee]

Yes, both do hurt. Thank you so much for being here and responding.

[epiphanius]

You have a couple of Christian choices here:

1.  Stay with him simply as a witness, praying for God's grace each day and knowing that you are essentially a single.

2.  Separate and get your own apartment and stay there until he absolutely definitely changes or divorces you. 

Helen,

I don't see how she could stay with him unless she's able to take all his derogatory comments without giving *any* show of anger--that's not easy, but it's 100% necessary if she is to serve "simply as a witness." Otherwise, she will be giving the wrong message and allowing him to maintain the status quo.

(Some people seem to be extremely skillful at "pushing other people's buttons," and I think it's because once they get the response they're looking for, they can deride the other person for always being so angry, and feel themselves to be superior.)

I'm confused more about what is my responsibility as a Christian? Do I stay, accept the choice I made, pray and love him through this 'season'? Or do I "not associate with an angry man" and leave for good?

Vee,

Since your previous separation brought some good results (which ended abruptly when you moved back in), it certainly seems as though that path has promise. You now know more than you did then, so that's to your advantage as well. Work with your counselor to determine when he's ready for you to move back in.

The important thing is that you emphasize to him that you do *not* intend this separation to be a prelude to divorce, and that unless he initiates it, there will be no divorce.