Hurting.. need some advice

[rsoxfan02]

We got married July of this year and found out in August we are expecting our first baby. I am so excite with all the blessings God has brought upon us. However, I am personally struggling with some issues regarding family and also feel "adequate"

My wife is very close with her family. They share every moment together and are always together for everything. Theres not a day that goes by she doesnt talk to them all. That's great. My family operates alittle different and that's fine too. However, my wife seems to share all our issues, her frustrations with me with her mother. Shes trying to get advice in one way and in another shes venting. I do not like this as it presents a different picture of me to her parents. Later on down the road they will view me differently. I don't find this healthy at all. She has friends but she doesn't talk with them like this. Its already begun to where the other day, they were really silent with me. I know she shared our disagreement with them. I was over there at the house for my birthday dinner and everyone was quiet with me. Not the usual. That sends red flags to me.


So on my birthday, she had a doctor appointment for testing make sure the baby is healthy and not at risk of anything. They ended up doing an ultrasound and asked if she wanted to know what it is. They wrote it down on a card and sealed in envelope. Our original plan was to wait till Nov when our actual ultrasound apt was to find out the sex then do a reveal party with both her family and mine. Given things changed due to some of her conditions and making sure everything is ok, we got the results on my birthday.  She wanted to open it up then, which was fine. However, I wanted to do it when all our family was available. My dad was out of town till next day, but then her dad was leaving. She couldn't wait. I understand that. But shes also getting pressure from her mother and sister to find out, so shes not willing to wait so we can do it all together. Instead I made the suggestion about having a special moment with just her and I at our house . Then we will get a special gift to take to her parents then mine on the next day. She didn't understand why I wouldn't want to open this her parents without mine. My problem is, I never get any special moments like this with my wife. For example, when she was testing for pregnancy. She was going to wait till I got home. She then decided she couldn't wait so she did it while I was at work. I came home at lunch to find out results. I was so excited and couldn't believe it.

Later on, when I get home from work, I find out she went down to her parents to share the news without me to her brother, sister and mother while her father was also at work. I was devastated. I wanted to share that joy with her. Ifelt like it was stolen from me all because her mother and sister were begging her and bugging her to tell them. Why couldn't she stick up and say, im sorry guys I have to wait till my husband gets home. I felt so disrespected.

So now you can prob understand why I feel way I do about revealing the gender of the baby. I want that special time with my wife only. Then we can share with her family and with mine since we couldn't have everyone together at the same time due to work and she couldn't wait a few days for weekend.

So now Im  put out as a scumbag and I made her feel like I was holding special moment with her family. She wanted to do this with her family (not alone with me) then go to mine. My problem with that was.. she would get that special moment w her family that I wouldn't get with mine cause we would already know the sex of the baby. How is that right? I lost the previous moments when found out pregnant, now Im losing this with my family.

I feel like Im not forefront of her mind. Its her family, then me. I understand it was important to her that she share with her family. But whats hurting me is why she doesn't want to do that with me only. Why does her family need ot be involved and first crack of everything?

We went on a small honeymoon in July. I asked she would turn her phone off after we arrived so we spend our time together and enjoy the honeymoon. She didn't. I turned mine off and left in the car all weekend. She was texting her parents, siblings, etc all weekend what we were doing. I just don't get this attachment.  Now in November we are going to Disney as part of our 2nd honeymoon since we did a small one. 3 days are alone us and then her family comes down for 3 more days and we spend with them. I only agreed to that because of my niece first time and I wanted to see her at Disney.

I feel like she doesn't rely on me for anything. I don't know what to do anymore. Ive not share a lot of these feelings too with her cause Ive already stressed her out as it is with reveal gender thing and I don't want to add pressure onto her or upset her while being pregnant. Im trying to let this go myself

What can I do?

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[JohnDB]

OK...the ending to your post was kinda unique...like you emailed this.


But yeah...I would have a sit down with your wife and ask her if she loves you or simply the idea of you.


Be ready for an honest answer you may not like.


Tell her that either you come first or for your own sanity you gotta leave.
It IS as simple as that.


You aren't gonna deny her having contact with her family or anything of that sort but dang...you didn't marry them you married her.


YOUR child
YOUR family
YOUR household
YOUR leadership


Not her parents...not her friends...not anyone but YOURS


and seriously if she can't get with this program...then she has to go. The baby can stay but she will find herself unwanted and unneeded.

[chosenone]

I don't think that she has emotionally matured or cut the apron strings, and is far too easily influenced by her family. This will probably only get worse when the baby comes unless you act now. She hasn't left her parents and cleaved to you as God says to do, and her parents havent let her go. This is a massive problems today I see it a lot. I have three adult children, and I would think it very unhealthy and troubling if they felt they needed to contact me every day, or even every few days. 
I would recommend some good Christian marriage counselling so that you can be honest with her and help her to see what she needs to do.
Moving away would be a good idea, but I expect she would freak out if you suggested it.

[TJW]

if she can't get with this program...then she has to go.

Yep.   Nip it in the bud.

My wife confides EVERYTHING in our daughter.  Those two are inseparable.   Our daughter has been told everything about me, including my problems with ED.  Therefore, the relationship between me and our daughter is strained.   I can hardly stand to go over there anymore. 

This relationship between them has ruined TWO marriages, ours, and hers.  My wife tells me everything that poor guy said, even if he farted in bed, I know about it.

I know that my career has no chance of flourishing because my wife will never move away from her grandchildren.  The area in which we live has no hi-tech industry at all.  I am faced with long commutes to make any decent living.

I will never enjoy my retirement because I'm forced to live in a part of the country that is cold and expensive, I cannot move to where it is warm and less costly.

I cannot return to school or take on self-actualization activities.  It takes all my time to make a living.  I could move to a different part of the country where tuition is far less, however, I can guarantee it would be alone.

[johndoo]

No one has mentioned marriage counseling.
Sometimes it can be helpful to have a third part weigh in.
Plenty of "experts" now have recommended that couples put away the electronic devices to have real conversations and relationships.
You can state your opinion that some of this opinion that some of this behavior is selfish and inconsiderate.
She may lack emotional intelligence which is hard to teach.

[chosenone]

No one has mentioned marriage counseling.
Sometimes it can be helpful to have a third part weigh in.
Plenty of "experts" now have recommended that couples put away the electronic devices to have real conversations and relationships.
You can state your opinion that some of this opinion that some of this behavior is selfish and inconsiderate.
She may lack emotional intelligence which is hard to teach.

Yes I mentioned it. Good idea.

[chosenone]

if she can't get with this program...then she has to go.

Yep.   Nip it in the bud.

My wife confides EVERYTHING in our daughter.  Those two are inseparable.   Our daughter has been told everything about me, including my problems with ED.  Therefore, the relationship between me and our daughter is strained.   I can hardly stand to go over there anymore. 

This relationship between them has ruined TWO marriages, ours, and hers.  My wife tells me everything that poor guy said, even if he farted in bed, I know about it.

I know that my career has no chance of flourishing because my wife will never move away from her grandchildren.  The area in which we live has no hi-tech industry at all.  I am faced with long commutes to make any decent living.

I will never enjoy my retirement because I'm forced to live in a part of the country that is cold and expensive, I cannot move to where it is warm and less costly.

I cannot return to school or take on self-actualization activities.  It takes all my time to make a living.  I could move to a different part of the country where tuition is far less, however, I can guarantee it would be alone.

I cant believe that any mother would tell her child the personal intimate details of their marriage. Especially when you are so unhappy about it.  I am pretty close to my children, one daughter in particular, but that would never happen with us, and also we do not live in each other pockets.

[TJW]

ask her if she loves you or simply the idea of you.

That may be the correct question. 

[DaveW]

I cant believe that any mother would tell her child the personal intimate details of their marriage. Especially when you are so unhappy about it.

Maybe you would not; but that does not preclude that there are others who do.

My own mom told me stuff about my step dad in the intimate dept that I wish I never knew; and one day, just before church service, she told me graphic details of my own conception; an image I wish I could erase.

[epiphanius]

My wife is very close with her family. They share every moment together and are always together for everything. Theres not a day that goes by she doesnt talk to them all. That's great ... However, my wife seems to share all our issues, her frustrations with me with her mother. Shes trying to get advice in one way and in another shes venting. I do not like this as it presents a different picture of me to her parents. Later on down the road they will view me differently. I don't find this healthy at all. She has friends but she doesn't talk with them like this. Its already begun to where the other day, they were really silent with me. I know she shared our disagreement with them. I was over there at the house for my birthday dinner and everyone was quiet with me. Not the usual. That sends red flags to me.

RSF,

I think your evaluation here is spot on--this is not a healthy situation.  One thing I learned a long time ago is *never* to judge anyone based on the word of a third party, no matter how close to me that third party may be.  It seems, however, that your wife's family is so "close" that they form a kind of "inner circle," to which you will always be an outsider.

I felt like it was stolen from me all because her mother and sister were begging her and bugging her to tell them. Why couldn't she stick up and say, im sorry guys I have to wait till my husband gets home. I felt so disrespected.

Her family appears to be the kind of group that doesn't keep secrets from each other--period.

I feel like Im not forefront of her mind. Its her family, then me. I understand it was important to her that she share with her family. But whats hurting me is why she doesn't want to do that with me only. Why does her family need ot be involved and first crack of everything?

We went on a small honeymoon in July. I asked she would turn her phone off after we arrived so we spend our time together and enjoy the honeymoon. She didn't ... She was texting her parents, siblings, etc all weekend what we were doing. I just don't get this attachment.

It seems as though these people are her life, and she'd be lost if she weren't in constant contact with them.

I feel like she doesn't rely on me for anything ... What can I do?

I agree with ChosenOne and TJW that the option of counseling needs to be explored. It's going to be extremely difficult for her to realize that she can't really be a wife to you without establishing some boundaries with her family, and it may be even harder for her to do it (i.e. if she starts not sharing everything with them, they'll keep putting emotional pressure on her till she does).

By all means pray about this, not only that God will lead you to the right counselor, but that your wife--and her family--will be able to realize they have a problem.

[chosenone]

I cant believe that any mother would tell her child the personal intimate details of their marriage. Especially when you are so unhappy about it.

Maybe you would not; but that does not preclude that there are others who do.

My own mom told me stuff about my step dad in the intimate dept that I wish I never knew; and one day, just before church service, she told me graphic details of my own conception; an image I wish I could erase.

Some parents seems to have no idea of how to be good healthy parents.

[TJW]

It seems as though these people are her life, and she'd be lost if she weren't in constant contact with them.

That's a good observation, and good description. 

Without "neutral third-party" intervention, the likely thing to happen is that your wife will consider their family the "right" way, and your legitimate needs and desires of marriage to be the "wrong" way.

I can guarantee this, that in any situation which demanded my wife to cleave to me and leave her daughter and grandchildren, I would be left.

[epiphanius]

My wife confides EVERYTHING in our daughter.  Those two are inseparable.   Our daughter has been told everything about me, including my problems with ED.  Therefore, the relationship between me and our daughter is strained.   I can hardly stand to go over there anymore. 

This relationship between them has ruined TWO marriages, ours, and hers.  My wife tells me everything that poor guy said, even if he farted in bed, I know about it.

Dear brother, TJ,

I am sorry to hear you saying this.  From your previous posts, it is clear that you have a good understanding of the Christian life, and yet here you seem to be walking in defeat.

I know that my career has no chance of flourishing because my wife will never move away from her grandchildren.  The area in which we live has no hi-tech industry at all.  I am faced with long commutes to make any decent living.

I will never enjoy my retirement because I'm forced to live in a part of the country that is cold and expensive, I cannot move to where it is warm and less costly.

I cannot return to school or take on self-actualization activities.  It takes all my time to make a living.  I could move to a different part of the country where tuition is far less, however, I can guarantee it would be alone.

I recently heard an excellent sermon about the Book of Job.  The preacher pointed out that while it was the Sabeans who stole his oxen and donkeys, and killed the servants who were minding them; while it was the fire that fell from the sky that burned up his sheep and the servants who were minding them; while it was the Chaldeans who stole his camels, and killed the servants who were minding them; and while it was a great wind from the wilderness that struck the four corners of his eldest son's house so that it fell on his sons and daughters and killed them, Job did not blame the Sabeans, or the Chaldeans, or the fire, or the wind.  Job knew where all these things came from, and he said, "the Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away.  Blessed be the name of the Lord."

One thing I've been struggling with a lot recently has been why God has allowed my circumstances to be what they are, and should I take bold steps to change them?  The bold steps are tempting, but when I pray about them, I am always reminded of who would suffer as a result of my actions, my wife in particular. 

So, if God does not want me to take these steps, does that mean He wants me to walk in defeat?  By no means!  When we live in Christ, we become sharers in His victory, but we also become sharers in the means by which He achieved that victory--the Cross.  That's why St. Paul said, "But far be it from me to boast, except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, through which the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world." (Gal. 6:14)  It is also why Our Lord said, "If anyone desires to come after me, let him deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me." (Mt. 16:24; Mk. 8:34; Lk. 9:23)

(Of course, you know all this--it's just that we all need reminders now and then!  )