Help! How To Bring Up Our Age Difference? Stressing Out About This.

[kelly92]

So here's my situation. I just transferred this past semester to a new university. I am a 21 year old girl and a junior (I took a gap year off out of high school). I met and became friends with a guy, who I will call John, because we were assigned in the same group together for a class project. For some reason I thought he was 19. (19 is the age I have always told myself was the absolute youngest I would ever date without feeling weird about it by the way.) So a couple months passed and I started suspecting that John had a crush on me. He ended up asking me out on a date and I accepted. By the second date, there were instant fireworks and we were falling fast for each other. We've now been dating for a month-and-a-half and we're basically in love. When we're together, it's like there's nobody else in the world besides the two of us.

Now here's where the dilemma comes in. I was looking at his facebook profile recently and discovered that John is actually only 18! But what's worse is the fact that I'm now starting to suspect that John has thought I was a freshman and the same age as him all this time!!! I thought he knew I was a junior, but based on some things he's said recently I don't know if he knows my actual age or not! And I'm too scared to just bring up my age out of the blue because I'm afraid it will be awkward and I'm scared of how he'll react. I understand the whole "Age is just a number and it's maturity that counts" thing but a lot of people don't and I do NOT want to look like a cougar. I've even thought about calling the relationship off and making an excuse so that he doesn't get hurt and I can avoid the awkward conversation. However this breaks my heart to think about losing him and i do want it to work! I don't know what to do!!!

John basically considers us a couple now. He has a picture of me and him together, which he's been showing to all his friends and family. He calls me his girlfriend... and just a few days ago I just found out that as a Christmas present, he bought me a plane ticket to come and meet his parents and siblings over Christmas break! John's family is so excited about meeting me, and supposedly they have a whole bunch of questions they want to ask me about my life. I just know they're going to think I'm a creepy cougar or something when they find out my age. John's family is a traditional, Christian, super family-oriented, "homey" type family if you know what I mean. Just thinking about meeting John's parents and he and them finding out my age is killing me to the point where I've thought about calling the relationship off before they find out and think I'm a desperate weirdo. So, if i'm going to tell John, I need to tell him soon before I visit his family....

One of the things that is stressing me out is the fact that John's family is making a really big deal out of the fact that he got his first "girlfriend". They're all so excited about and showing pictures of me and him to their friends, etc. His parents are also the types who are extremely proud of their son and have a close family bond, so they're heavily involved and always asking him for updates on how our relationship is going. Even the grandparents are on cloud nine about me!

Basically they're over the moon about this and I'm starting to feel sick to my stomach thinking about meeting them and all the questions I'm gonna get. And the shock of "OMG. Our 18 year old freshman son who just left the nest is dating a 21 year old?!" I love him so much but don't know if I can take it. If I call the relationship off though, I'll be heartbroken knowing I didn't even try to tell him.


Any advice on how I should tell John my age without being all weird or awkward about it? I feel like just bringing it up out of the blue is going to be SO awkward and make me look like I have to "confess" something, which is not at all the way this thing transpired. Please help. I am really troubled about this, especially now that John's got everything all set up for me to meet his family in two weeks.

[MyFathersGirl]

You don't even have to bring it up in conversation.  If you want him to know your age you can just casually invite him to friend you on Facebook and he will find out the same way you found his .  If he still wants you to meet his family after that you will know that your age doesn't matter to him.   You are only three years older so I don't think there I'd going to be an issue over it even when he finds out.  Also don"t be so hard on yourself.  Dating somebody three years younger definitely does not make you a cougar.  Just to give you a little perspective of what a cougar actually is, I am 36 and find myself liking guys in their early 20s.  My sister pointed out with the last guy that I liked that the year he was born I was a sophomore in high school.  I seem to relate more to people in that age range than I do people my own age.

[chosenone]

You are worrying about nothing. Now if you were 35 and he was 18, then yes I would be concerned, but 3 years is nothing and doesnt make you a cougar. Now if you were dating a 24 year old would you think that was weird?

I really don't understand why you cant tell him your age, what does it matter? Maybe he knows and maybe he doesn't, but its not going to bother him or his family I am sure.
Be honest with him and tell him your fears.

[JohnDB]

Now my father-in-law is two years younger than me and my mother-in-law is a year older.

My wife is 17 years younger than me.

That's a toughie.

You obviously are not cougaring this guy.  Three years is nothing and rather common.

Worry more about wedding dates and children with this guy than your age difference.

[dotterofzion]

 My brother-in-law is three years younger than my sister. Age doesn't matter as long as you two are ok with it.
       

[kelly92]

I must say that the whole "taking me home to visit his parents" thing is intimidating for me when we've only been dating for a little over a month! Throw in the age difference I don't think he knows about and I'm a nervous wreck! I do have a feeling that John's family members are the ones instigating and coming up with ideas on how to find ways to meet me. I'm sure me spending Christmas break with them was the parents' idea. I feel like acting hesitant about all this is going to make them have their doubts about me. I do admit that I'm starting to feel a bit pressured and worried that I won't meet all their expectations. I think that this is greatly magnifying the age difference issue for me. Heck, when we're at college, his mom and younger siblings text him all the asking him, "Hey, ask her this next time you hang out with Kelly... ask her this!" etc.

The family is making me nervous. BUT... John is basically my dream guy, apart from his age. He's a man I could see myself marrying one day. I don't want to lose him....

[kelly92]

I think I just need to get this over with asap. We're both at our own homes on break right now and won't see each other in person until I go see his family in 2 weeks. Should I text him? How should I start the conversation without acting like it's a big deal? I'm at a loss.

[Rella]

How do you know he does not already know?

Could be that he knows and is into older women...

You are in college and you have not discussed courses or profs?

That in itself would give a certain amount of hinting as to the level
you both are at.... also age.

I would not worry about it...

I had an aunt 6 years older then my uncle.... no one thought anything
about that in the family or out.

[kelly92]

Well yes, we have discussed things like that before. But we both have different degree with professors neither of us know about. We met in a Bible class that everyone at the college is required to take before graduating.

[chosenone]

I must say that the whole "taking me home to visit his parents" thing is intimidating for me when we've only been dating for a little over a month! Throw in the age difference I don't think he knows about and I'm a nervous wreck! I do have a feeling that John's family members are the ones instigating and coming up with ideas on how to find ways to meet me. I'm sure me spending Christmas break with them was the parents' idea. I feel like acting hesitant about all this is going to make them have their doubts about me. I do admit that I'm starting to feel a bit pressured and worried that I won't meet all their expectations. I think that this is greatly magnifying the age difference issue for me. Heck, when we're at college, his mom and younger siblings text him all the asking him, "Hey, ask her this next time you hang out with Kelly... ask her this!" etc.

The family is making me nervous. BUT... John is basically my dream guy, apart from his age. He's a man I could see myself marrying one day. I don't want to lose him....

It does sound as if his family are a bit over the top about all this. If one of my children had a very new boyfriend/girlfriend, I would never be asking them so many things and putting such pressure on the two of them. Its VERY early days and you are both so very young, I think they need to leave you both alone to allow things to develop (or not) at your own pace.
Its also a massive pressure to spend all of Christmas with his family when you have only been going our for 5 or 6 weeks. Thats not usually something that happens so soon, and often not till after marriage.

I do hope that they are not all going to give you the 'third degree' when you meet.

I don't believe that 3 years is anything to worry about, but the reason why most girls of your sort of age go out with slightly older guys, is that guys of their own age are usually not very mature. Most 18 years old guys are very immature, but maybe he is the exception.

Why not ring him up and explain all this. I think you are facing far too much pressure too soon. Its all seems unnatural and unhelpful to me.

Can you not just say that you would love to meet his family, but you feel its too soon, and that Christmas may not be the best time to met them for the first visit. 

[kelly92]

UPDATE:

OH. MY. GOSH. Things just got worse... So I didn't bring up the age difference today because he texted me today with a whole new humdinger. He's gonna be coming through my city in a few days and wants to bring his parents to meet my parents AT OUR HOUSE. Oh my gosh, can it get any weirder???!!!! Again, I have a feeling his parents may be behind this.

[chosenone]

UPDATE:

OH. MY. GOSH. Things just got worse... So I didn't bring up the age difference today because he texted me today with a whole new humdinger. He's gonna be coming through my city in a few days and wants to bring his parents to meet my parents AT OUR HOUSE. Oh my gosh, can it get any weirder???!!!! Again, I have a feeling his parents may be behind this.

Kelly you HAVE to speak to him about this today. Its all too much pressure far too soon. Anyone would think that you are engaged and have set the date.    I didn't meet my kids in laws till they were engaged, and one not till the wedding itself. So they just happen to be flying all the way to your house and just want to pop in? That's so far fetched. They are so over the top.
Please send him an email and be honest about all this. Its sort of getting out of control and he is allowing his family to dictate everything which is a concern in itself. Why isn't he standing up to them and putting his foot down? It seems he is under their control(which may be because he is still young and therefore still quite immature).

You have to say that this is all too much too soon, and much as you want to meet the family and have his family meet yours, its very early days and you want to take it more slowly. Tell him you feel pressured and rushed.
Why not suggest that you meet them in the summer, when you have been together for 6 months or so?
Honestly a  month is NOTHING in a relationship, anything can happen. Are they going to act like this every time he mentions a girlfriend? If so maybe he needs to keep more to himself. He will end up scaring them all off.(or his family will)

[JohnDB]

Can anyone say, " helicopter parents"?

Some people have very tight knit close families. ..some are very friendly and wonderful.  My in-laws are wonderful.


They simply don't want to be outside what and who is in their son's life.
Just meet them and don't worry. An apple usually doesn't fall too far from the tree.

[chosenone]

Can anyone say, " helicopter parents"?

Some people have very tight knit close families. ..some are very friendly and wonderful.  My in-laws are wonderful.


They simply don't want to be outside what and who is in their son's life.
Just meet them and don't worry. An apple usually doesn't fall too far from the tree.

Yes but there is such a thing as being far too interfering. I get on very well with my kids partners/spouses, but I have still always allowed them space and independence to be themselves and to take things at their own pace. I met them when they wanted to meet me, and not before. No pressure.
This lady is clearly feeling under pressure after only ONE MONTH of going out, and I am not surprised. She has already been told that they have lots of questions to ask her, so no pressure there then. 
Its sometimes hard for parents to let their children be adults and let them go. They cant stop interfering or wanting to be in control. I see it all the time.

[Nevertheless]

Actually, it may be a good thing for her to see early on what she's getting into. This doesn't sound like the "we just want to hang out and have fun" kind of relationship, so marriage is in the plan, even if it's still far off. As much as we hate to admit it, we don't just marry each other, we join a family.

[kelly92]

I really want to talk to him about it being too soon for our families to meet, but he's already bought the tickets as a "present" to me and has spent several hundred dollars I'm sure. He acted like it was a great surprise. I feel bad because I will most likely seem ungrateful. I'm so stressed out now that I don't even know where to begin. I feel like I need to say something about the age difference first, and then bring up not meeting. I just fear the "age difference + me not wanting to see the family = too much new information at once", is going to be too much of a shock to their systems and he's just going to get scared off and leave me.

[kelly92]

This is also why I've been so scared to death to talk about the age difference. Because his parents will probably have a great say about my age when they find out and he will be pressured to follow their advice. It could turn out fine or it could be an utter nightmare with me depressed and heartbroken. I KNOW I need to say something. I just have to get myself into the right frame of mind emotionally in case he dumps me or there's a big stink over this.

[Nevertheless]

I think you're really magnifying this is your mind. Forget about the age difference. It doesn't matter. My mom was 3 years older than my dad, MIL 10 years older than FIL, and I have a sister whose husband is 15 years older. 3 years is not a big deal.

[chosenone]

This is also why I've been so scared to death to talk about the age difference. Because his parents will probably have a great say about my age when they find out and he will be pressured to follow their advice. It could turn out fine or it could be an utter nightmare with me depressed and heartbroken. I KNOW I need to say something. I just have to get myself into the right frame of mind emotionally in case he dumps me or there's a big stink over this.

I don't think the age difference is the issue here. Its the pressure being put on this very very new relationship far too soon. Its sort of weird that you havent spoken about your ages, but the only possible problem I cant see with him only being 18, is that he hasn't cut the apron strings and has only just left school. 

[chosenone]

I really want to talk to him about it being too soon for our families to meet, but he's already bought the tickets as a "present" to me and has spent several hundred dollars I'm sure. He acted like it was a great surprise. I feel bad because I will most likely seem ungrateful. I'm so stressed out now that I don't even know where to begin. I feel like I need to say something about the age difference first, and then bring up not meeting. I just fear the "age difference + me not wanting to see the family = too much new information at once", is going to be too much of a shock to their systems and he's just going to get scared off and leave me.

Kelly, if you cant be honest and open with him what sort of relationship is it going to be? If he does what you say and ends the relationship merely because you are being honest, then what does that say abut him?
Why not pray, compose a nice friendly but honest e-mail, and leave it to him as to the next step. I am pretty surprised that he cant see that this is all very rushed, but that says to me that he has no experience with relationships, and you did say you were his first girlfriend.

[chosenone]

Actually, it may be a good thing for her to see early on what she's getting into. This doesn't sound like the "we just want to hang out and have fun" kind of relationship, so marriage is in the plan, even if it's still far off. As much as we hate to admit it, we don't just marry each other, we join a family.

Yes but after just 4 weeks with an 18 year old??? Far too soon to be planning the future together, family or no. Plenty of time over the next year to meet family if this relationship is still going on. Its not like the family lives up the road, and they can pop in for a cup of tea. Its flying there for several days, and what happens if it doesnt work out when she is there? I think her fears are real. I would feel very pressured in her shoes. 

[kelly92]

I really want to talk to him about it being too soon for our families to meet, but he's already bought the tickets as a "present" to me and has spent several hundred dollars I'm sure. He acted like it was a great surprise. I feel bad because I will most likely seem ungrateful. I'm so stressed out now that I don't even know where to begin. I feel like I need to say something about the age difference first, and then bring up not meeting. I just fear the "age difference + me not wanting to see the family = too much new information at once", is going to be too much of a shock to their systems and he's just going to get scared off and leave me.

Kelly, if you cant be honest and open with him what sort of relationship is it going to be? If he does what you say and ends the relationship merely because you are being honest, then what does that say abut him?
Why not pray, compose a nice friendly but honest e-mail, and leave it to him as to the next step. I am pretty surprised that he cant see that this is all very rushed, but that says to me that he has no experience with relationships, and you did say you were his first girlfriend.

Should I bring up the age topic first? I feel like bringing up both topics might be too much for him to handle all at once?

[chosenone]

I really want to talk to him about it being too soon for our families to meet, but he's already bought the tickets as a "present" to me and has spent several hundred dollars I'm sure. He acted like it was a great surprise. I feel bad because I will most likely seem ungrateful. I'm so stressed out now that I don't even know where to begin. I feel like I need to say something about the age difference first, and then bring up not meeting. I just fear the "age difference + me not wanting to see the family = too much new information at once", is going to be too much of a shock to their systems and he's just going to get scared off and leave me.

Kelly, if you cant be honest and open with him what sort of relationship is it going to be? If he does what you say and ends the relationship merely because you are being honest, then what does that say abut him?
Why not pray, compose a nice friendly but honest e-mail, and leave it to him as to the next step. I am pretty surprised that he cant see that this is all very rushed, but that says to me that he has no experience with relationships, and you did say you were his first girlfriend.

Should I bring up the age topic first? I feel like bringing up both topics might be too much for him to handle all at once?

Well he needs to know how you feel about it all really. As the visits are so soon I would tackle the visits first, but if you wrote it all in a nice way, I would personally just be honest about everything.  I really dont think the age thing will be an issue for him or his family.
What do your parents say abut all this?

[kelly92]

They know John and I are together but they don't have any idea of how serious his family is treating the whole thing. I haven't brought up them visiting yet either, because i think my parents would be really gun-ho about it as well. I kinda want to leave them out of this until i make a decision myself.

[chosenone]

They know John and I are together but they don't have any idea of how serious his family is treating the whole thing. I haven't brought up them visiting yet either, because i think my parents would be really gun-ho about it as well. I kinda want to leave them out of this until i make a decision myself.

Well you do need to do something, because its all getting very close!

[JohnDB]

Actually, it may be a good thing for her to see early on what she's getting into. This doesn't sound like the "we just want to hang out and have fun" kind of relationship, so marriage is in the plan, even if it's still far off. As much as we hate to admit it, we don't just marry each other, we join a family.

Yes but after just 4 weeks with an 18 year old??? Far too soon to be planning the future together, family or no. Plenty of time over the next year to meet family if this relationship is still going on. Its not like the family lives up the road, and they can pop in for a cup of tea. Its flying there for several days, and what happens if it doesnt work out when she is there? I think her fears are real. I would feel very pressured in her shoes.

LOL...


The ONLY guys you have ever liked in a relationship on this forum is your son and your husband....EVER.


Any other guy is something to be kicked to the curb instantly with any advice you have ever given any woman on this forum. And any woman wearing makeup or heels is almost a tramp at best.


But I am thinking that the human race needs to propagate a bit more than you have ever suggested. Even with the women who wear makeup and heels.


Look,


the guy may be excited. A bit overly excited over his relationship and so when the opportunity for all of them to meet came up he went for it like a pig does to mud...or a labrador retriever to water. or even white onto rice.


My thinking is that his parents are just curious as to meet her. Not that they are promoting weddings or iron maidens or anything of that sort...just simple curiosity. I know that if my son was off to college and started dating someone I would simply want to meet her. Not that I would tell him or her what they should or shouldn't do...but just to know and to meet face to face. When some parents have more dollars than sense they make these things happen with plane tickets and bus fare. Never once thinking about her feelings in all of this.


Which does bring about my only point in this whole affair. He seems like a great guy. She seems like a wonderful woman for this guy to be dating. Good, Christian men and women are really in short supply out there.


BUT
(kinda knew it was coming)


It being so early in the whole relationship he isn't attuned yet to your feelings and approaches to things in life yet...and this is a perfect opportunity to scold him a bit about being respectful of your perceptions and feelings more so than what he has in this "meeting". He may not feel any fear at all...and not even realize that you do...and he needs to get over that ignoring of your feelings immediately. He needs to pay attention to your subtle clues to what you think about situations. You don't need to be a doormat for him...ever or else it will become a habit when the two of you get together and can ruin an otherwise perfect relationship.


If I were you...


I would go ahead and meet his parents and let his meet yours. Let EVERYONE know that you two have only been dating a month. That this is the very earliest beginnings of a relationship and really more of a friendship than a romantic relationship. (so your parents don't freak out the way you are)  There is nothing wrong with having some fellowship with others similar in ages and similar in backgrounds. Keep it all casual and informal and relaxed.


If his behaviors of running to "momma" every time he has a question or concern continues then that can be a big red flag...but as it is he is 18 and still a bit wet behind the ears. You are going to graduate in a year and a half so you can be rid of him then once and for all if you two do not work out. Be his friend more so than his romantic partner in life and it is going to work out much better for you and him in the end of it all.

[kelly92]

Actually, it may be a good thing for her to see early on what she's getting into. This doesn't sound like the "we just want to hang out and have fun" kind of relationship, so marriage is in the plan, even if it's still far off. As much as we hate to admit it, we don't just marry each other, we join a family.

Yes but after just 4 weeks with an 18 year old??? Far too soon to be planning the future together, family or no. Plenty of time over the next year to meet family if this relationship is still going on. Its not like the family lives up the road, and they can pop in for a cup of tea. Its flying there for several days, and what happens if it doesnt work out when she is there? I think her fears are real. I would feel very pressured in her shoes.

LOL...


The ONLY guys you have ever liked in a relationship on this forum is your son and your husband....EVER.


Any other guy is something to be kicked to the curb instantly with any advice you have ever given any woman on this forum. And any woman wearing makeup or heels is almost a tramp at best.


But I am thinking that the human race needs to propagate a bit more than you have ever suggested. Even with the women who wear makeup and heels.


Look,


the guy may be excited. A bit overly excited over his relationship and so when the opportunity for all of them to meet came up he went for it like a pig does to mud...or a labrador retriever to water. or even white onto rice.


My thinking is that his parents are just curious as to meet her. Not that they are promoting weddings or iron maidens or anything of that sort...just simple curiosity. I know that if my son was off to college and started dating someone I would simply want to meet her. Not that I would tell him or her what they should or shouldn't do...but just to know and to meet face to face. When some parents have more dollars than sense they make these things happen with plane tickets and bus fare. Never once thinking about her feelings in all of this.


Which does bring about my only point in this whole affair. He seems like a great guy. She seems like a wonderful woman for this guy to be dating. Good, Christian men and women are really in short supply out there.


BUT
(kinda knew it was coming)


It being so early in the whole relationship he isn't attuned yet to your feelings and approaches to things in life yet...and this is a perfect opportunity to scold him a bit about being respectful of your perceptions and feelings more so than what he has in this "meeting". He may not feel any fear at all...and not even realize that you do...and he needs to get over that ignoring of your feelings immediately. He needs to pay attention to your subtle clues to what you think about situations. You don't need to be a doormat for him...ever or else it will become a habit when the two of you get together and can ruin an otherwise perfect relationship.


If I were you...


I would go ahead and meet his parents and let his meet yours. Let EVERYONE know that you two have only been dating a month. That this is the very earliest beginnings of a relationship and really more of a friendship than a romantic relationship. (so your parents don't freak out the way you are)  There is nothing wrong with having some fellowship with others similar in ages and similar in backgrounds. Keep it all casual and informal and relaxed.


If his behaviors of running to "momma" every time he has a question or concern continues then that can be a big red flag...but as it is he is 18 and still a bit wet behind the ears. You are going to graduate in a year and a half so you can be rid of him then once and for all if you two do not work out. Be his friend more so than his romantic partner in life and it is going to work out much better for you and him in the end of it all.

John, I like your perspective. Thanks for the advice~  Now how would you go about bringing up the age difference without making it awkward. I do plan to casually bring this up tonight or tomorrow morning if I can get my thoughts together. bear in mind that I will have to text him since we are not at college right now, and I think talking on the phone will make it look like I think it's a serious matter. So, in a text message, what do you think is the best and least awkward way to start the conversation?

[chosenone]

Actually, it may be a good thing for her to see early on what she's getting into. This doesn't sound like the "we just want to hang out and have fun" kind of relationship, so marriage is in the plan, even if it's still far off. As much as we hate to admit it, we don't just marry each other, we join a family.

Yes but after just 4 weeks with an 18 year old??? Far too soon to be planning the future together, family or no. Plenty of time over the next year to meet family if this relationship is still going on. Its not like the family lives up the road, and they can pop in for a cup of tea. Its flying there for several days, and what happens if it doesnt work out when she is there? I think her fears are real. I would feel very pressured in her shoes.

LOL...


The ONLY guys you have ever liked in a relationship on this forum is your son and your husband....EVER.


Any other guy is something to be kicked to the curb instantly with any advice you have ever given any woman on this forum. And any woman wearing makeup or heels is almost a tramp at best.


But I am thinking that the human race needs to propagate a bit more than you have ever suggested. Even with the women who wear makeup and heels.


Look,


the guy may be excited. A bit overly excited over his relationship and so when the opportunity for all of them to meet came up he went for it like a pig does to mud...or a labrador retriever to water. or even white onto rice.


My thinking is that his parents are just curious as to meet her. Not that they are promoting weddings or iron maidens or anything of that sort...just simple curiosity. I know that if my son was off to college and started dating someone I would simply want to meet her. Not that I would tell him or her what they should or shouldn't do...but just to know and to meet face to face. When some parents have more dollars than sense they make these things happen with plane tickets and bus fare. Never once thinking about her feelings in all of this.


Which does bring about my only point in this whole affair. He seems like a great guy. She seems like a wonderful woman for this guy to be dating. Good, Christian men and women are really in short supply out there.


BUT
(kinda knew it was coming)


It being so early in the whole relationship he isn't attuned yet to your feelings and approaches to things in life yet...and this is a perfect opportunity to scold him a bit about being respectful of your perceptions and feelings more so than what he has in this "meeting". He may not feel any fear at all...and not even realize that you do...and he needs to get over that ignoring of your feelings immediately. He needs to pay attention to your subtle clues to what you think about situations. You don't need to be a doormat for him...ever or else it will become a habit when the two of you get together and can ruin an otherwise perfect relationship.


If I were you...


I would go ahead and meet his parents and let his meet yours. Let EVERYONE know that you two have only been dating a month. That this is the very earliest beginnings of a relationship and really more of a friendship than a romantic relationship. (so your parents don't freak out the way you are)  There is nothing wrong with having some fellowship with others similar in ages and similar in backgrounds. Keep it all casual and informal and relaxed.


If his behaviors of running to "momma" every time he has a question or concern continues then that can be a big red flag...but as it is he is 18 and still a bit wet behind the ears. You are going to graduate in a year and a half so you can be rid of him then once and for all if you two do not work out. Be his friend more so than his romantic partner in life and it is going to work out much better for you and him in the end of it all.

You really do come up with some bizarre things at times John. I have only mentioned my son 4 or 5 times ever in the 7 YEARS I have been here, and I know there are some really good guys on this forum who I am sure are great husbands and dads. I am also blessed to know many lovely godly guys in my life for which I give thanks. I also know many good and godly marriages.

As for my husband, I make no apologies for speaking about him, because he is an amazing godly man, and its also nice to see other women here who also speak very well of their husbands. So many speak badly of their spouses these days and that's very sad. I love to hear people build up their spouses and speak well of them.

As for make up,  we haven't discussed that for about 3 years here, and I know many women who wear it. So what? Lots of women wear high heels these days, its the way of the world, its the fashion, and it doesn't bother me except I know they will  probably have really bad feet/posture/joints/backs when they are older, which is sad, but that's their choice in the end.

Besides that this is totally irrelevant to this topic and a TOTALLY uncalled for attack from you.
......................

back to topic.

Kelly you are clearly troubled by the pressure of not only the age difference, but the speed that things are going. We have ALL said that the age gap shouldnt make any difference as it is so small. However if you cant talk to him and be open and honest with him about what is troubling you, then that's sad. You need to be have your opinions and say if you feel pressured at all. I am sure that if you did meet them it would be fine, but you need to be able to be honest with your guy. How will he know what you are feeing unless you tell him? He cant read your mind.


Kelly I would just ask him if he knows that you are slightly older than him, and that it isn't an issue for you and hope that it isn't for him either. Thats all you need to say. Its very simple.

[JohnDB]

I would talk about how you are in your Junior year and next fall as you begin your  senior year of college you need to start looking for that career job. "I hope I can find one" and "maybe I can intern somewhere" and all the worries that go with finding a career job somewhere like Resume and friendly contacts....that is a great way to bring up the differences in your ages.


Its a backhanded approach but it will wake him up to the realities of the difference in your ages.



But the age thing really won't matter that much to him. He is head over heels caught up in NRE (new relationship emotions) at the moment and having his first girlfriend. And it really only bothers you at the moment.


IF...and I seriously doubt he gets a big look of shock on his face when you talk about finding that career job about your age...you can say, "yes silly, of course I am three years older than you...did it matter ten minutes ago? It didn't to me." (of course you are lying at the moment...but hey...his fault for not knowing a lot more about you when he started dating you...I usually knew a lot more about who it was that I was dating than they ever did about me when I was your age....due to finding out inadvertently one time the girl I was dating had a child and another one was actually married...after that I made sure I knew a lot more about a woman than if she had a pretty face) In the end all of the truth will come out in the wash and it really isn't something to be all that concerned about.



It is simply a way of projecting a skittish situation onto something else more tangible. Besides...you really wouldn't be nervous if you didn't like this guy and care what his parents thought about you.


would you?


Just play it off as if you two are more friends at this stage than anything else when in front of parents...scold him privately for his lack of concern of your feelings and that you really do care for him but he needs to step up his game a bit. His provision for you needs to come out of his genuine care and concern for you and what you really like and want...(Just an old hand at this who has learned the hard way with all the mistakes made before learning how to do it right) simple coexistence with some peaceful moments just isn't enough these days to make a good marriage. You two need to be best friends...who care more about the other person's needs than your own on a regular basis...and not just the idea of the other person. All of this takes a lot of time to form. A lot of maturity and self discipline as well. (we are selfish by nature) And he has 18 months to prove himself to you in that amount of time.


Real men, (who don't wear lace underwear or their boxers inside out so the seams won't chaff) are quick to ramp up their game when a challenge that is worth the effort appears on the horizon (in this case...YOU)




You also need to set up some kind of silent signal between the two of you when to change the subject or to end a topic of discussion too. Like a pulling on an ear or a hand on the other's shoulder. Because many an awkward discussion can be avoided that way. Answers you don't wish to give or subjects you don't want to talk about get avoided that way with parents you don't want to give answers to. Also to protect the image of the other in front of your parents or his...We all have our goofball moments that can end up being bear traps that we really want to avoid. Only thing is that he doesn't know your parents just like you don't know his. But each of you respectively do and can avoid all the pitfall conversations.

[chosenone]

Kelly the longer you leave it the worse it will get, so maybe just do it now. I am sure he will put your mind at rest immediately about the age gap. You will probably find that he knows you are slightly older then him anyway, and its not as if you are 30 is it.

[MyFathersGirl]

I'm not saying do something that you aren't comfortable with but meeting his parents after a month might not be so bad.  My parents met in July, started dating in August and knew they were getting married in Seotember.  I asked mom and she said that she met his parents  a couple weeks after they started dating.  Dad was going to drive five hours to pick her up but she said that's okay she'd just fly instead.  A friend of Grandpa's told him to start planning a wedding if he was willing to drive that far. :)  The short of it is that they were married 11 months after they met and have been married 38 years now.  A fast romance isn't necessarily a bad thing.

[chosenone]

I'm not saying do something that you aren't comfortable with but meeting his parents after a month might not be so bad.  My parents met in July, started dating in August and knew they were getting married in Seotember.  I asked mom and she said that she met his parents  a couple weeks after they started dating.  Dad was going to drive five hours to pick her up but she said that's okay she'd just fly instead.  A friend of Grandpa's told him to start planning a wedding if he was willing to drive that far. :)  The short of it is that they were married 11 months after they met and have been married 38 years now.  A fast romance isn't necessarily a bad thing.

Do you think its best to wait longer if they are so young and still in college and not working or supporting themselves?

I knew within a week that my husband was the one, and we married 9 months after meeting but we were in our late 40's, were earning, and I had my own home.

I think the issue here is though that Kelly herself feels uncomfortable about this, and feels pressured by it, and that is what people seem to be overlooking. They have all the time in the world to meet family if their relationship lasts more than a few months. The age thing isn't important I don't think. its such a small gap.

Kelly I was wondering how you would feel if you were the 18 year old and he was 21? Would that be acceptable? If so why is it different the other way round?

[MyFathersGirl]

Do you think its best to wait longer if they are so young and still in college and not working or supporting themselves?

I knew within a week that my husband was the one, and we married 9 months after meeting but we were in our late 40's, were earning, and I had my own home.

I think the issue here is though that Kelly herself feels uncomfortable about this, and feels pressured by it, and that is what people seem to be overlooking. They have all the time in the world to meet family if their relationship lasts more than a few months. The age thing isn't important I don't think. its such a small gap.

Kelly I was wondering how you would feel if you were the 18 year old and he was 21? Would that be acceptable? If so why is it different the other way round?

Like I said at the beginning I wasn't telling her to do something she isn't comfortable with, just saying that sometimes whirlwind romances really do work out.  The maturity factor is a good point though.  Dad was 25 and in the Air Force.  Mom was 24 and working  at expo '74 over the summer since she was normally a teacher so you're right they were both out of college and had jobs.  They met at a party they were both inivited to because they were coworkers of the couple that were throwing it. 

[chosenone]

Do you think its best to wait longer if they are so young and still in college and not working or supporting themselves?

I knew within a week that my husband was the one, and we married 9 months after meeting but we were in our late 40's, were earning, and I had my own home.

I think the issue here is though that Kelly herself feels uncomfortable about this, and feels pressured by it, and that is what people seem to be overlooking. They have all the time in the world to meet family if their relationship lasts more than a few months. The age thing isn't important I don't think. its such a small gap.

Kelly I was wondering how you would feel if you were the 18 year old and he was 21? Would that be acceptable? If so why is it different the other way round?

Like I said at the beginning I wasn't telling her to do something she isn't comfortable with, just saying that sometimes whirlwind romances really do work out.  The maturity factor is a good point though.  Dad was 25 and in the Air Force.  Mom was 24 and working  at expo '74 over the summer since she was normally a teacher so you're right they were both out of college and had jobs.  They met at a party they were both inivited to because they were coworkers of the couple that were throwing it. 

Yes I sometimes do think you can know very quickly that you have met the one, especially if God has clearly bought you together(as in my case and your parents case), but at 18 he has only just started college, so presumably wont even have a job or leave home or support himself for at least 3 years.

Another thought is, very few guys in their late teens or early 20s are any where near mature enough to think of marriage, but this isnt applicable to this couple, because they have only been going out for 4 weeks. Its very very early days and they barely know each other.

[DaveW]

OK - what happened ? ? ?