The Perpetuated MYTH that if you were an abused child you WILL be an abuser

[Sailingflutist-SF]

Contrary to popular opinion, it is my observation that one does NOT necessarily perpetuate the familial relationships they grew up in. God's supernatural regeneration of becoming a new creation in Christ and finally and actually having a loving and gracious Father who cares compounded with the Word of God and benefits of ministries such as "Focus on the Family," "In Touch," "The Art of Family Living," and "Insight for Living" empower such a transformation. It pains me every time I hear some well-meaning but ignorant person, regardless how well educated and experienced with psych, perpetuate the established fact of this destructive trend WITHOUT pairing it immediately with the established fact of regeneration as stated above; especially in the Christian community. It can be horribly damaging and destructive as they discourage or even destroy the hope of such a person considering or in such a transformation. If someone in the Family/love of God says that there is no hope and that they are cursed to repeat their abuse, esp all these Christian paychs and counselors out here (including Kevin Leeman-FLR), then what hope is there to try or even continue to assimilate into a normal healthy family or even the Christian family at large? They are cursed without any hope to a life of horror and destruction, even as a Christian, by these "well-meaning" __________.

[DaveW]

The familial tendency of abuse, be it substance, physical, sexual, emotional or spiritual, is Biblically referred to as "iniquity."  And that can be dealt with via the cross. 

Isaiah 53:6  All of us like sheep have gone astray, Each of us has turned to his own way; But the Lord has caused the iniquity of us all To fall on Him.

[Helen]

You are quite correct, SF.  Even before I was a Christian, I was absolutely determined to be nothing like my mother.  My children have assured me I achieved that goal!

On the other hand, everyone can claim abuse of one kind or another.  We are all sinners, after all.  No one is a perfect parent (with the possible exception of those who have never had children....).  Some abuse is simply in the mind of the receiver and is not abuse at all.  Some is absolutely abuse. 

But no, it is not familial like an inheritance trait.  That being said, the effects of it can last through a few generations.

[MeMyself]

I agree that just because you suffered under the hand of another, that you are not doomed to repeat the offense...

I knew I needed more healthy tools than what I learned from and what I saw, so I began praying that God would change me and make me new, I took classes to help me learn new skills, and I watched and learned from those I saw doing a wonderful job.

The curse of generational sin being passed down, stops with me!   

[chosenone]

I agree that just because you suffered under the hand of another, that you are not doomed to repeat the offense...

I knew I needed more healthy tools than what I learned from and what I saw, so I began praying that God would change me and make me new, I took classes to help me learn new skills, and I watched and learned from those I saw doing a wonderful job.

The curse of generational sin being passed down, stops with me!   

Yep. My dad, while being a good dad in many ways, was a womaniser, as was his father. Neither myself or my brother(who isn't even a believer)are like him. My mothers family is sadly full of depression and suicide, that also stops with me as well.

[Leanne]

Oh, I can testify that this is indeed a myth. I know of a family who had to rid themselves of a very physically violent and abusive woman, I wouldn't give her the title of mother past biology alone. Her ex-husband and 4 children are, however, some of the most gorgeous people you are ever to meet and I would say that the experience has left them defenders of the abused.

[chosenone]

On the other hand, if you watch many programmes about criminals and forensics etc as I do, the worst criminals such as serial murderers and sadists and psychopaths have nearly all had appalling childhoods of serious abuse and terrible dysfunction.

[DaveW]

Oh, I can testify that this is indeed a myth. I know of a family who had to rid themselves of a very physically violent and abusive woman, I wouldn't give her the title of mother past biology alone. Her ex-husband and 4 children are, however, some of the most gorgeous people you are ever to meet and I would say that the experience has left them defenders of the abused.

No - it is NOT a myth.  The statistics bear that out. 
IS it universal?  No.

But the statistics show that if you grow up in an abusive environment there is a strong likelihood you will also be abusive in one form or another.

[chosenone]

Oh, I can testify that this is indeed a myth. I know of a family who had to rid themselves of a very physically violent and abusive woman, I wouldn't give her the title of mother past biology alone. Her ex-husband and 4 children are, however, some of the most gorgeous people you are ever to meet and I would say that the experience has left them defenders of the abused.

No - it is NOT a myth.  The statistics bear that out. 
IS it universal?  No.

But the statistics show that if you grow up in an abusive environment there is a strong likelihood you will also be abusive in one form or another.

However I know several people personally who were abused, who are the nicest people you could meet. I think a lot of it is down to the persons character. I know people who were abused who have made a decision NOT to let it ruin the rest of their lives, and I know those whose abuse was less severe, who seem to need constant attention, counselling, sympathy and support. I have seen some who will uses it to excuse bad behaviour, and to get attention from others, and will often go from one helper to another to get that.
In fact I cant think of a single person who I know who was abused(and I know several pretty well), who is not a nice kind and decent person. Its is a choice in the end isn't it, whether to let our past dictate our future or not.

My mum had a terrible childhood, and she was the nicest and most loving mum I could have wished for.

[DaveW]

In fact I cant think of a single person who I know who was abused(and I know several pretty well), who is not a nice kind and decent person. Its is a choice in the end isn't it, whether to let our past dictate our future or not.

Chosen - everyone is an individual and will react to situations differently.

If 90% of people react a certain way that always means that there are 10% who react differently. 

And the thing about abuse - those who do it usually know how to cover it up really well.  Most people thought my dad was a really great guy but he routinely beat me to near unconsciousness and broke several of my mom's bones on their final breakup.

[chosenone]

In fact I cant think of a single person who I know who was abused(and I know several pretty well), who is not a nice kind and decent person. Its is a choice in the end isn't it, whether to let our past dictate our future or not.

Chosen - everyone is an individual and will react to situations differently.

If 90% of people react a certain way that always means that there are 10% who react differently. 

And the thing about abuse - those who do it usually know how to cover it up really well.  Most people thought my dad was a really great guy but he routinely beat me to near unconsciousness and broke several of my mom's bones on their final breakup.

Yes they are great manipulators. We have had abuse in my own family and I know that well.

[Pennie]

Statistics show that 99.9% of statistics are absolute garbage. 
Statistics are routinely skewed, twisted, and manipulated by many, many factors.

I, for one, can testify that the child of abusive parents is not fated to become an abuser themselves.
My parents were horrible parents, and totally uninterested in their grandchildren.
I tried very hard to be as different from them as I could be, and I adore my grandchildren, and spoil them shamelessly.
For the record, my parents were not abused themselves. They chose, as adults, to be abusive.
Someone said it's a choice.
I agree absolutely. And even if one is fighting a childhood full of programming, with Christ anything is possible.

[tpm]

ChosenOne

I'm sure you know this, but many disorders have a genetic components.  Praise the LORD that you have avoided your ancestors pitfalls; however, your children may receive some of those same genes.  I guess what I'm saying is that when you said it stopped with you, you made me a little nervous.

My father and his father were both alcoholics.  I'm not and it's a pretty safe bet I'll never be one (I'm 43; it would have happened by now), but I can tell you I worry about both my sons, even though neither one drinks yet.

Hope I wasn't offensive.  If I was, I apologize in advance.

tpm

[chosenone]

ChosenOne

I'm sure you know this, but many disorders have a genetic components.  Praise the LORD that you have avoided your ancestors pitfalls; however, your children may receive some of those same genes.  I guess what I'm saying is that when you said it stopped with you, you made me a little nervous.

My father and his father were both alcoholics.  I'm not and it's a pretty safe bet I'll never be one (I'm 43; it would have happened by now), but I can tell you I worry about both my sons, even though neither one drinks yet.

Hope I wasn't offensive.  If I was, I apologize in advance.

tpm

No you weren't offensive at all tpm, and I didn't actually say I had avoided my ancestors pitfalls, I have had severe depression in the past for several years, largely caused by my own mothers suicide. I do know that some things have a genetic component, my mothers family has loads of depression and 2 suicides, and my husband has diabetes like his father had, but what I mean was that these things can nearly always have a spiritual component as well, and that Jesus has broken the curses that can pass down the family line. WE need to appropriate those promises and not just think that because our parents or grandparents were a certain way, that we will be or our children will be the same.

MY fathers womanising(and his fathers before him apparently)is something that is a choice no matter what, and my brother and I are very faithful people, as are his children and mine. My kids are aged nearly 36, 33 and 28, the eldest happily married, the youngest in an 8 year relationship, and none of them have ever shown any signs of being in the least unfaithful towards their boyfriends/girlfriends/spouse.  On the contrary, they see it is very important.  I hope they have learnt that from me, as your children will have done from you. No matter what sins our ancestors did or didnt do, we can still chose not to do the same. 
We aren't helpless to change things or make good choices, even if our parents made bad ones, especially with Gods power working in the situation. 

[tpm]

ChosenOne

I'm sure you know this, but many disorders have a genetic components.  Praise the LORD that you have avoided your ancestors pitfalls; however, your children may receive some of those same genes.  I guess what I'm saying is that when you said it stopped with you, you made me a little nervous.

My father and his father were both alcoholics.  I'm not and it's a pretty safe bet I'll never be one (I'm 43; it would have happened by now), but I can tell you I worry about both my sons, even though neither one drinks yet.

Hope I wasn't offensive.  If I was, I apologize in advance.

tpm

No you weren't offensive at all tpm, and I didn't actually say I had avoided my ancestors pitfalls, I have had severe depression in the past for several years, largely caused by my own mothers suicide. I do know that some things have a genetic component, my mothers family has loads of depression and 2 suicides, and my husband has diabetes like his father had, but what I mean was that these things can nearly always have a spiritual component as well, and that Jesus has broken the curses that can pass down the family line. WE need to appropriate those promises and not just think that because our parents or grandparents were a certain way, that we will be or our children will be the same.

MY fathers womanising(and his fathers before him apparently)is something that is a choice no matter what, and my brother and I are very faithful people, as are his children and mine. My kids are aged nearly 36, 33 and 28, the eldest happily married, the youngest in an 8 year relationship, and none of them have ever shown any signs of being in the least unfaithful towards their boyfriends/girlfriends/spouse.  On the contrary, they see it is very important.  I hope they have learnt that from me, as your children will have done from you. No matter what sins our ancestors did or didnt do, we can still chose not to do the same. 
We aren't helpless to change things or make good choices, even if our parents made bad ones, especially with Gods power working in the situation.

Agree completely! 

[Victor08]

Statistics show that 99.9% of statistics are absolute garbage. 

Are these statistics "garbage"?

https://www.rainn.org/statistics

About Victims

•   44% of victims are under age 18
•   80% are under age 30

Sexual Assault Numbers
•   Every 2 minutes, another American is sexually assaulted
•   There is an average of 237,868 victims (age 12 or older) of sexual assault each year

Reporting to Police
•   60% of sexual assaults are not reported to the police
•   97% of rapists will never spend a day in jail

About Rapists
•   Approximately 2/3 of assaults are committed by someone known to the victim
•   38% of rapists are a friend or acquaintance