tricky situation - in need of counsel.

[Inneedofgrace87]

Hello everyone. I have just bit of a difficult situation that knew I would appreciate some sound counsel please

I am in a relationship with a guy for the last 7 months. I love him dearly and our relationship with God and each other is growing so much. This is my first(I am 26) and his first (he's 29) Christian relationship and the stress associated with it, we're really struggling with. Obviously, sex is a no go but the other limitation on our relationship, in today's society is so so hard. We know it's early days yet but we are prayerful and hoping to head towards marriage. But with that in mind, I am unemployed and need to build on savings. Realistically, won't be able to get married for another year or so.

My boyfriend wants to move in together and I need advice. I want to move in with him too. This relationship is getting so much criticism for not being "normal" were trying to make decisions nor Christ but the limitation on our relationship is becoming so hard. Is there anywhere in the Bible where it says that 2 Christians in a non sexual relationship, with the view of marriage can't live together.

Is it all just tradition without biblical guidance

I'd appreciate any advice

Ruth

[Helen]

It's better to get married and be poor, Ruth.  We are told not to even give the appearance of immorality, and that's what living together would be.  In addition, it would increase the sexual tension between the two of you.  Don't worry about what anyone else says; do what's right.

Ephesians 5:  Be imitators of God,, therefore, a dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.
But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people.

Since you did not know this was in the Bible, you really need to read your Bible more.

[JohnDB]

You say your relationship is not normal and that it is stressful for a reason outside of sexual tension...

Can you elaborate on that?

[chosenone]

It's better to get married and be poor, Ruth.  We are told not to even give the appearance of immorality, and that's what living together would be.  In addition, it would increase the sexual tension between the two of you.  Don't worry about what anyone else says; do what's right.

Ephesians 5:  Be imitators of God,, therefore, a dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.
But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people.

Since you did not know this was in the Bible, you really need to read your Bible more.

Listen to Helen.

You relationship is still very new, only 7 months, and moving in together, even without the religious aspect, is a massive stop when you are not even engaged. Its would also greatly increase the temptation to have sex when you are alone together all the time.

Carry on the relationship, give it more time, wait till he asks you to marry him, then plan a simple cheap wedding(yes it can be done).You wont regret it.

In the mean time, search for work, apply for anything going, and pray about this relationship and whether its definitely Gods will for you.

[Inneedofgrace87]

JohnDb.. its not normal in the sense that my non Christian friends and my family think that you need to spend time with each other, move in together, go on holidays together and then make the decision to get married. That's why our relationship isn't normal... its Christian. In all honesty Christianity promotes quick marriages and I'm scared of the speed of this relationship. I'm from Ireland and although we're a Catholic country, gods standards for relationships aren't expressed to people. I'm viewed as fanatic because I love god and in trying my best to have a Christian relationship in  a godless society. That's what causes the stress. I feel that were both sitting in a glass jar and everyone - Christians and non Christians are looking in. I feel the longer we are in this relationship without being married the harder it is. I don't want my family and friends to brand me as mad and a religious fanatic and most of all I don't want them not to approve of it.

So I have 2 choices: either he proposes and we get married as soon as we can afford and risk disapproval from friends and family or we wait for another year, save and possibly have to move in together for the purpose of being in a better position to marry. It all just seems so draconian. Should it be this stressful?

[chosenone]

Not its not draconian surely to do things the right way? A young couple I know in my family (older than you) waited nearly 3 years to marry(engaged for 15 months)because she was still studying and they couldnt afford anywhere to live together on one wage. Was it hard? Yes it was, but they wanted to do everything in the right way in obedience to God.

What is wrong with carrying on seeing each other, at the right time getting engaged,(if that is the right thing) and then planning a wedding? If you both want to do do the right thing then God will make a way, and what does it matter what everyone else thinks? Weddings don't have to cost much, mine only cost about £300, I am sure that family will help out.

Of course few people understand the way we live, but we are supposed to be different from the world aren't we? Members of my family thought I was mad to marry my husband without living together first. 'What if you aren't sexually compatible' they asked. 'What if you find you don't get on?'
You have to accept that people wont understand, but be prepared to do the right thing anyway.

You said something very interesting in that 'you are scared at the speed of the relationship'. That says to me that you are going too fast and thinking about marriage before you are sure. Moving in together if that is the case would be a mistake. Just carry on seeing him, pray hard for Gods guidance and take a day at a time. It seems to me that you are wanting to do it all in the wrong order.
Some people are sure very quickly, and some need far more time. I married within 9 months of meeting my husband, but I was sure within a week. If you aren't 100% sure that this is the man Gods wants you to marry, then don't do anything till you are.

I am not quire sure what the massive hurry is. Just carry on getting to know each other for the time being.

[Helen]

DO NOT BOW TO SOCIAL PRESSURE.  They are not the ones who have to live with the consequences -- YOU are! 

My father told me something years ago which I have found to be very true in the picture it gives:
Imagine lots of sticks ''planted" in a field.  They are all at different angles but only one is straight up and down.  No matter what the angles were, the others were all 'angled' and so they all stuck together and made fun of the straight stick.  The truth is like that.  No matter what the opposition to the truth, the opponents will stick together against the truth.  You have a choice:  the truth or not.  Straight up and down or angled and bent.  There are not many straight sticks in the world, but the few there are shine lights in the darkness.  You can be part of the light or part of the darkness. 

The fact that your boyfriend wants to move in with you bothers me.  Doesn't he care about God's standards or what is right and what is wrong?

[Inneedofgrace87]

I knew that I wanted him to be my husband before I met him. I was living in Australia for 15 months and for a period of 3 months I had to work in a farm. Day in and day out in had to work this monotonous job and found that it was perfect time to pray hard. That was one of my prayers at the time (this is now 2 years ago) was that God would bring me to a spouse. Soon after that I had a dream that I was walking up the aisle in a little chapel in my home town to my boyfriend now. He's very tall and I hugged into his chest in that dream and it's the same as when I hug into him now. Despite all circumstances my visa to Australia was refused and I ended up 15000 miles back home and met him 6 montmonts later. It's been a whirlwind ever since and I knew immediately that he's the man for me. Despite all this and the many many times god has answered my prayer through circumstance people and his word, I still need to wait for practical reasons. It's just so hard that the world is watching us. The pressure is huge. Every Christian couple that I know, pastors and friends have got married under 9 months of meeting.

I love god with all my heart but if doesn't make life very easy sometimes :-(

[chosenone]

I knew that I wanted him to be my husband before I met him. I was living in Australia for 15 months and for a period of 3 months I had to work in a farm. Day in and day out in had to work this monotonous job and found that it was perfect time to pray hard. That was one of my prayers at the time (this is now 2 years ago) was that God would bring me to a spouse. Soon after that I had a dream that I was walking up the aisle in a little chapel in my home town to my boyfriend now. He's very tall and I hugged into his chest in that dream and it's the same as when I hug into him now. Despite all circumstances my visa to Australia was refused and I ended up 15000 miles back home and met him 6 montmonts later. It's been a whirlwind ever since and I knew immediately that he's the man for me. Despite all this and the many many times god has answered my prayer through circumstance people and his word, I still need to wait for practical reasons. It's just so hard that the world is watching us. The pressure is huge. Every Christian couple that I know, pastors and friends have got married under 9 months of meeting.

I love god with all my heart but if doesn't make life very easy sometimes :-(

I have known many Christian couples who waited far far longer than that. My son and his wife didn't marry for well over 3 years due to finances and life's circumstances. I personally think that a young couple would be very unwise to get married that soon.   
Why isn't it easy? When he feels sure that he wants you to be his wife, presumably he will ask you to marry him, then you can get engaged, and then plan the wedding. You really dont need to spend much on the wedding, and hopefully both his and your parents will pay some or all of that anyway. You dont need a long engagement if you are both sure, but if you are sure why did you say that the relationship is going to fast for you?

In the meantime apply for any job going. Look every day on line. Dont be fussy about what you are prepared to do.

Its really only been pretty recently that anyone lived together before marriage. When I was growing up, couples always married before they lived together. Its was the norm.

I am not sure why this is such an issue/problem. Get engaged, get married, live together.

[Helen]

My husband is an Aussie, too (I am American).  We were engaged for 20 months before we were married.  It didn't matter what people thought -- that was what happened with us.  We have been married for over 13 years now and I never knew a marriage could be so good.

[JohnDB]

JohnDb.. its not normal in the sense that my non Christian friends and my family think that you need to spend time with each other, move in together, go on holidays together and then make the decision to get married. That's why our relationship isn't normal... its Christian. In all honesty Christianity promotes quick marriages and I'm scared of the speed of this relationship. I'm from Ireland and although we're a Catholic country, gods standards for relationships aren't expressed to people. I'm viewed as fanatic because I love god and in trying my best to have a Christian relationship in  a godless society. That's what causes the stress. I feel that were both sitting in a glass jar and everyone - Christians and non Christians are looking in. I feel the longer we are in this relationship without being married the harder it is. I don't want my family and friends to brand me as mad and a religious fanatic and most of all I don't want them not to approve of it.

So I have 2 choices: either he proposes and we get married as soon as we can afford and risk disapproval from friends and family or we wait for another year, save and possibly have to move in together for the purpose of being in a better position to marry. It all just seems so draconian. Should it be this stressful?

Well it seems as though you have a choice to make.

You can be labeled as a religious nut or a hypocrite. ...there is not going to be a third option except for both at the same time.

Everyone is watching according to you...And I see no reason to doubt that.  My wife and I were watched.

When the time came for the ceremony we preached Christ at every turn in words and actions we could.  We talked about how we were joining our individual ministries together to form a bigger and better one....and what that meant tous. We each talked about our love for God and not so much for each oother. ..so that they would understand. ..our love for each other of course is genuine as it happened in a small community and a lot of time has passed since we had our ceremony.   They see us continue to work towards the very goals we discussed in our ceremony. ..we wished to have a larger and bigger ministry for God by being a normal Christian family. ..And we are successful in that.

If we fell short in any way with so many people watching us what would that say about Christians and ourselves?
Would God care if we sent them the wrong message ?