Does adultery betray children?

[brokenveteran]

I am curious to the forum's thoughts about the betrayal of children. It is generally accepted that a cheating spouse betrays the other spouse. However, if a spouse commits adultery, does that wayward spouse also betray the children in the family? Or is the betrayal isolated to just the adults?

[Rella]

In my opinion adultery is a total betrayal to children also.

Husband and wife became one, and the product of their using is
a blend of both.

If either husband or wife are betrayed, then surly that has to follow unto
the children.

[JERRY C]

the spouse, the children, the in-laws, the friends, their church, ...

[Helen]

Wow....I just asked my daughter to read your question.  Her dad walked out on us when she was 12, about 22 years ago.  She read the question and started talking like I have not heard her talk before.  I'll try to remember some of her points for you.  Yes, it is a betrayal.  And she got tears in her eyes, 22 years later, talking about it.  We were in a small town and she remembers her dad saying he needed time to be alone with God and find himself.  That was why he was moving out -- that is what he had told us.  Not long after that, she and a girlfriend were selling magazines for some school function and going door to door.  They knocked at a condo door and her dad opened it, evidently only half dressed.  That's how she found out he was with another woman.  "Mom, everyone knew it then.  The burden of shame on all us kids was so much!  Maybe if it had been in another town and we didn't know about it.  But he had done it before, too, remember?  We drove by a bar-restaurant and his truck was outside when he told you he was at work.  I remember how you looked, Mom, and you were crying.  And then he told us he wanted to find God!  And I would look for his truck at that condo and it would be there all the time."  In other words, at 34 years old, married and with children of her own, the pain is still running so deep that she cries.  She feels that the fact that he lied to us was a double betrayal.  "Even if he wanted to come back after that, how could we trust him?" 

One of the hardest parts for this particular daughter was that it had been only a year since one of her friend's parents got divorced and she was devastated by it.  She asked her dad if he would divorce me and he had replied, "I'll never divorce your mom.  I love her too much."  One year later he was with another woman.  These scars have stayed with her. 

"He didn't care about what he did to us, Mom.  He didn't care about us at all.  And whats-her-name [the woman he left with], she has never owned up to her responsibility in breaking up a family.  And I know she has followed you around on the net all these years gloating."

My oldest son still occasionally talks about his dad.  He also still hurts.  It did, however, make him doubly sure of the woman he wanted to marry and he is a most excellent husband and doting father, with the primary goal in his mind to be the man God would have him be and not to be like his dad. 

Now, the interesting thing is, that other woman has followed me here, too, recently.  She will probably come on and say something about how horrible the 'first wife' was, which she has done on other forums.  Just saying.....

[TonkaTim]

Wow....I just asked my daughter to read your question.  Her dad walked out on us when she was 12, about 22 years ago.  She read the question and started talking like I have not heard her talk before.  I'll try to remember some of her points for you.  Yes, it is a betrayal.  And she got tears in her eyes, 22 years later, talking about it.  We were in a small town and she remembers her dad saying he needed time to be alone with God and find himself.  That was why he was moving out -- that is what he had told us.  Not long after that, she and a girlfriend were selling magazines for some school function and going door to door.  They knocked at a condo door and her dad opened it, evidently only half dressed.  That's how she found out he was with another woman.  "Mom, everyone knew it then.  The burden of shame on all us kids was so much!  Maybe if it had been in another town and we didn't know about it.  But he had done it before, too, remember?  We drove by a bar-restaurant and his truck was outside when he told you he was at work.  I remember how you looked, Mom, and you were crying.  And then he told us he wanted to find God!  And I would look for his truck at that condo and it would be there all the time."  In other words, at 34 years old, married and with children of her own, the pain is still running so deep that she cries.  She feels that the fact that he lied to us was a double betrayal.  "Even if he wanted to come back after that, how could we trust him?" 

One of the hardest parts for this particular daughter was that it had been only a year since one of her friend's parents got divorced and she was devastated by it.  She asked her dad if he would divorce me and he had replied, "I'll never divorce your mom.  I love her too much."  One year later he was with another woman.  These scars have stayed with her. 

"He didn't care about what he did to us, Mom.  He didn't care about us at all.  And whats-her-name [the woman he left with], she has never owned up to her responsibility in breaking up a family.  And I know she has followed you around on the net all these years gloating."

My oldest son still occasionally talks about his dad.  He also still hurts.  It did, however, make him doubly sure of the woman he wanted to marry and he is a most excellent husband and doting father, with the primary goal in his mind to be the man God would have him be and not to be like his dad. 

Now, the interesting thing is, that other woman has followed me here, too, recently.  She will probably come on and say something about how horrible the 'first wife' was, which she has done on other forums.  Just saying.....

Thank you for your's & your daughter's personal testimony, revealing intimate details of your life, to help others understand.

[chosenone]

Wow....I just asked my daughter to read your question.  Her dad walked out on us when she was 12, about 22 years ago.  She read the question and started talking like I have not heard her talk before.  I'll try to remember some of her points for you.  Yes, it is a betrayal.  And she got tears in her eyes, 22 years later, talking about it.  We were in a small town and she remembers her dad saying he needed time to be alone with God and find himself.  That was why he was moving out -- that is what he had told us.  Not long after that, she and a girlfriend were selling magazines for some school function and going door to door.  They knocked at a condo door and her dad opened it, evidently only half dressed.  That's how she found out he was with another woman.  "Mom, everyone knew it then.  The burden of shame on all us kids was so much!  Maybe if it had been in another town and we didn't know about it.  But he had done it before, too, remember?  We drove by a bar-restaurant and his truck was outside when he told you he was at work.  I remember how you looked, Mom, and you were crying.  And then he told us he wanted to find God!  And I would look for his truck at that condo and it would be there all the time."  In other words, at 34 years old, married and with children of her own, the pain is still running so deep that she cries.  She feels that the fact that he lied to us was a double betrayal.  "Even if he wanted to come back after that, how could we trust him?" 

One of the hardest parts for this particular daughter was that it had been only a year since one of her friend's parents got divorced and she was devastated by it.  She asked her dad if he would divorce me and he had replied, "I'll never divorce your mom.  I love her too much."  One year later he was with another woman.  These scars have stayed with her. 

"He didn't care about what he did to us, Mom.  He didn't care about us at all.  And whats-her-name [the woman he left with], she has never owned up to her responsibility in breaking up a family.  And I know she has followed you around on the net all these years gloating."

My oldest son still occasionally talks about his dad.  He also still hurts.  It did, however, make him doubly sure of the woman he wanted to marry and he is a most excellent husband and doting father, with the primary goal in his mind to be the man God would have him be and not to be like his dad. 

Now, the interesting thing is, that other woman has followed me here, too, recently.  She will probably come on and say something about how horrible the 'first wife' was, which she has done on other forums.  Just saying.....

Helen that's horrible, why does she feel the need to do that? The thing is that the husband will usually tell the OW a load of lies about the wife to try and justify his cheating ways. My father was telling the OW one thing while telling my mum something else. My mum was the loveliest lady you could ever meet, and she adored my dad. So sad.

[chosenone]

Yes of course it betrays the children, and the rest of the family also. My mothers severe depression and suicide were largely due to my fathers long term affair, so yes I would say that loosing my mum was a betrayal wouldn't you??? Its also an appalling example to set the children. Even if the affair doesn't lead to the ending of the marriage, it will irrevocably change the marriage and the family dynamics, and cause many months and year of unhappiness and strain in the home. If the marriage does end because of it, then the kids have a broken home to deal with, and one parent leaving.   

[chosenone]

IT also sets a very poor example to the children of how not to act, that faithfulness and responsibility isn't that important, and that you can just up and leave your spouse and children if you find someone else. Very very selfish, and very disobedient to God. There are always bad consequences for the cheater, and the one they cheated with, and they will appear sooner or later in their lives.

[DaveW]

God set up the family as a picture to the children and the world at large of how HE wants us to relate to Himself, with the father taking the place of God.

If that dad is lying and sleeping around or beating up his wife and kids; what kind of picture of God does that send to the children?

[MeMyself]

How could it not? 

[Mere Nick]

Thank you for your's & your daughter's personal testimony, revealing intimate details of your life, to help others understand.

Yep.  We hear it does but then someone lays it out there.  The best thing my parents ever did was to love each other.

[TJW]

The best thing my parents ever did was to love each other.

Amen.  I got to see marriage work.  So many children don't.  Sadly, my own children felt the pain of adultery. 

Even if the affair doesn't lead to the ending of the marriage, it will irrevocably change the marriage and the family dynamics, and cause many months and year of unhappiness and strain in the home.

Our home didn't "break up" in the physical sense, but that "irrevocable change" certainly did occur.  My elder son has shown the scars of what happened over the last 27 years since the affair.  It became "baggage" that he has carried into his own marriage and into his life as a whole.

So, yes, adultery is definitely a betrayal of the children as well as the spouse.

[chosenone]

The best thing my parents ever did was to love each other.

Amen.  I got to see marriage work.  So many children don't.  Sadly, my own children felt the pain of adultery. 

Even if the affair doesn't lead to the ending of the marriage, it will irrevocably change the marriage and the family dynamics, and cause many months and year of unhappiness and strain in the home.

Our home didn't "break up" in the physical sense, but that "irrevocable change" certainly did occur.  My elder son has shown the scars of what happened over the last 27 years since the affair.  It became "baggage" that he has carried into his own marriage and into his life as a whole.

So, yes, adultery is definitely a betrayal of the children as well as the spouse.

Yes it very sad isn't it. I sort of had a different side to this. In my teens I suspected that my dad was having an affair(no one said anything, and it was never mentioned), and this was confirmed a few years later. My parents never separated of divorced,  but mum did get very depressed and committed suicide. The affair was still going on then, and a year later dad married the OW. Whether the couple divorce or stay together, its still very damaging and deeply hurtful for the children.

[brokenveteran]

Thank you for all of the responses. They were what I expected. I will say that my now ex-wife was adamant that her serial cheating was insulated to only us; that it did not betray our children and family. Of course, she also wanted everything to be like it never happened as well.

[LostInNewYork]

I am curious to the forum's thoughts about the betrayal of children. It is generally accepted that a cheating spouse betrays the other spouse. However, if a spouse commits adultery, does that wayward spouse also betray the children in the family? Or is the betrayal isolated to just the adults?

If my wife leaves for the affair partner, once my young kids find out about it, they will hate her for the rest of their lives.  My wife knows this, which is one reason why she has decided to try to stick it out in the marriage.  Ridiculous thought process.  My kids already have problems with how she overplays religion in the home.  So, of course, the children are betrayed.  Absolutely.

[chosenone]

Thank you for all of the responses. They were what I expected. I will say that my now ex-wife was adamant that her serial cheating was insulated to only us; that it did not betray our children and family. Of course, she also wanted everything to be like it never happened as well.

Well she can tell herself whatever nonsense she likes, but she is living in cloud cuckoo land if she thinks that. It can never be like it never happened. Good grief. She has torn your family apart. I will never understand the total and absolute selfishness of some people.