Question about child custody

[Cally]

After being increasingly disinclined to the thought of signing away my human rights in a marriage contract, the thought of adopting sons one day suddenly dawned on me and got me a bit excited! I was looking up what it takes for a single man to adopt . . . as I might expect, there's more of a stigma on men than women, but I did have one question.

IF . . . and this a really far out "if," in my case . . . a man decides to marry someday AFTER he's already been raising children, how able is a woman to divorce him and take his kids away? The likelihood of a woman filing divorce is high, and in that event, she almost always gets custody, but I wondered if that scenario is a little different.

[Alan]

I've been through that process (divorce and custody) and although my situation was different than the scenario you describe, I believe you would have no problem retaining custody given that you were the parental guardian coming into the marriage, unless of course you were to put the child in harms way which I highly doubt.


I'm Canadian, and even custody cases in the traditional sense (where both are the natural parents) can go either way these days, usually settled by the lawyers prior to the court hearing.

[chosenone]

I am sad that you have such a skewed picture of marriage. Marriage is the best thing God invented as long as you marry a godly person and allow God to lead you to her. Maybe you can ask yourself why so many women are so unhappy in their marriages that they choose the awful alternative of divorce? Maybe you need to examine why you see marriage itself in such a negative way when its such a godly thing, and have to always imagine it ending in divorce? Have you thought that many women divorce their husbands for good reasons such as infidelity and serious abuse?

A friend of ours, who is a man in his 40's, has just been approved for fostering. Why not try that? In the UK single people do adopt, but its usually the older harder to place kids that they have, ones who would otherwise be in care the rest of their childhoods/teens. Young children need a mum and dad as far as I am concerned, especially if they have been through horrible times, and its also required here that one parent stay at home with the adopted child for the first year. Not sure if its the same there, but few single parents could afford to have a year off work I am sure.

As for your question, surely it depends on the circumstances?If you adopted and then met and married a lady shortly after that, and then she was a good mother to that child for many many years, adopted that child, stayed at home to care for that child along with other children you may have,  then she may actually be the best person for that child to be with in the event of a divorce, being that he or she would also have to leave his or her siblings if you have him or her with you and she has the other children.
Again though, you are living your life in fear of what MAY happen instead of trusting God for your future. If I had done that, I would never have married again, and would have missed out on an amazing man and a very good marriage. If we dont get out of the boat sometimes, we will miss so much of what God has for us.

[Cally]

Maybe you need to examine why you see marriage itself in such a negative way when its such a godly thing

Just to clear this up, I have absolutely NOTHING negative toward marriage itself. It is an extremely wonderful thing, theoretically.

Again though, you are living your life in fear of what MAY happen instead of trusting God for your future.

This is a statement to twist the intention of being prudent. Does this really need to be explained? Do you ever lock your doors when you leave the house or your car? Despite protecting women from men being the world's big to-do with the reverse having barely anyone seeming to think worthwhile--though this is starting to change real quick--I definitely grant that I can trust God to compensate for the injustice (i.e. He can protect me from a woman).

Maybe you can ask yourself why so many women are so unhappy in their marriages that they choose the awful alternative of divorce?

Sure. In my mind, I've done so but don't care to discuss it at the moment. Maybe you could do likewise with regards to men and where they are coming from too, even when they are in error.

Oh, but just to make the positive note, the idea of raising boys sounds really exciting, aggressively protecting, cherishing, teaching as they need. Despite marriage off the table I was encouraged to think of a different opportunity to give in that sense. 

[Cally]

I believe you would have no problem retaining custody given that you were the parental guardian coming into the marriage,

I would think so.

[DaveW]

Of course you should actually consult a local lawyer for what your state's laws actually say, but i believe that in most states; unless the future spouse ALSO adopts the child/children, they have no custodial rights.

[chosenone]

Maybe you need to examine why you see marriage itself in such a negative way when its such a godly thing

Just to clear this up, I have absolutely NOTHING negative toward marriage itself. It is an extremely wonderful thing, theoretically.

Again though, you are living your life in fear of what MAY happen instead of trusting God for your future.

This is a statement to twist the intention of being prudent. Does this really need to be explained? Do you ever lock your doors when you leave the house or your car? Despite protecting women from men being the world's big to-do with the reverse having barely anyone seeming to think worthwhile--though this is starting to change real quick--I definitely grant that I can trust God to compensate for the injustice (i.e. He can protect me from a woman).

Maybe you can ask yourself why so many women are so unhappy in their marriages that they choose the awful alternative of divorce?

Sure. In my mind, I've done so but don't care to discuss it at the moment. Maybe you could do likewise with regards to men and where they are coming from too, even when they are in error.

Oh, but just to make the positive note, the idea of raising boys sounds really exciting, aggressively protecting, cherishing, teaching as they need. Despite marriage off the table I was encouraged to think of a different opportunity to give in that sense. 

Still boys do needs mums as well. If you have many good female role models in the family then that will help.
As I said before, have you considered fostering?

[Cally]

Still boys do needs mums as well. If you have many good female role models in the family then that will help.
As I said before, have you considered fostering?

The idea of adoption was just a recent lightbulb moment, but at a glance, nah. If you foster (from what I looked at) you'll likely end up helping a child for a while and then lose him. My thoughts were how to avoid that, just as divorcing wives almost always manage to take children away from their fathers.

[chosenone]

Still boys do needs mums as well. If you have many good female role models in the family then that will help.
As I said before, have you considered fostering?

The idea of adoption was just a recent lightbulb moment, but at a glance, nah. If you foster (from what I looked at) you'll likely end up helping a child for a while and then lose him. My thoughts were how to avoid that, just as divorcing wives almost always manage to take children away from their fathers.

Many divorced couples share really good child care arrangements, at least in the cases I know of. In many cases it has been the mother who has mainly stayed at home to bring the children up, and the father who earns more, so it stands to reason that children usually stay with her, especially if they are young. If the father had them, presumably they would have to spend a large amount of their time in day care while he went to work.
As long as both do what they can to make sure the non resident parent has regular time with the children, then that can work quite well.

It seem to me that you are thinking mainly of yourself in this. When you foster or adopt, you are surely doing it mainly for the children, not yourself, helping those children who need a home for whatever reason. Its never ideal for children to be adopted into a family with only one parent, but you seem to be only thinking of this so that any future ex wife cant 'take then away from you'.
Maybe think and pray about getting married first, and allow God to change the way you see marriage and women in general. Then think of future children, and trust God for whatever happens. When I got married I never for  a second thought about what may or may not happen if I ever got divorced, because I trust God and I trust my husband, and he doesn't believe that you should break promises that you make, and I know that he would never end this marriage. I have far more reason than you to be distrustful of marriage,(after what my father and first husband did),but I never hesitated to get married this time, because I l knew that this man was Gods choice for me, and I know he has high morals and integrity, and I know that the future is in Gods hands anyway and that He will look after me.

Remember that verse when Job says 'what I feared most has come upon me?' 

[Cally]

Still boys do needs mums as well. If you have many good female role models in the family then that will help.
As I said before, have you considered fostering?

The idea of adoption was just a recent lightbulb moment, but at a glance, nah. If you foster (from what I looked at) you'll likely end up helping a child for a while and then lose him. My thoughts were how to avoid that, just as divorcing wives almost always manage to take children away from their fathers.

Many divorced couples share really good child care arrangements, at least in the cases I know of. In many cases it has been the mother who has mainly stayed at home to bring the children up, and the father who earns more, so it stands to reason that children usually stay with her, especially if they are young. If the father had them, presumably they would have to spend a large amount of their time in day care while he went to work.
As long as both do what they can to make sure the non resident parent has regular time with the children, then that can work quite well.

It seem to me that you are thinking mainly of yourself in this. When you foster or adopt, you are surely doing it mainly for the children, not yourself, helping those children who need a home for whatever reason. Its never ideal for children to be adopted into a family with only one parent, but you seem to be only thinking of this so that any future ex wife cant 'take then away from you'.
Maybe think and pray about getting married first, and allow God to change the way you see marriage and women in general. Then think of future children, and trust God for whatever happens. When I got married I never for  a second thought about what may or may not happen if I ever got divorced, because I trust God and I trust my husband, and he doesn't believe that you should break promises that you make, and I know that he would never end this marriage. I have far more reason than you to be distrustful of marriage,(after what my father and first husband did),but I never hesitated to get married this time, because I l knew that this man was Gods choice for me, and I know he has high morals and integrity, and I know that the future is in Gods hands anyway and that He will look after me.

Remember that verse when Job says 'what I feared most has come upon me?' 

I didn't ask for this discussion, and I am really not interested in your sentiments. You have very, very selective hearing.

[tpm]

Cally

If all you want is a legal opinion, you should consult a lawyer.

tpm

[chosenone]

Still boys do needs mums as well. If you have many good female role models in the family then that will help.
As I said before, have you considered fostering?

The idea of adoption was just a recent lightbulb moment, but at a glance, nah. If you foster (from what I looked at) you'll likely end up helping a child for a while and then lose him. My thoughts were how to avoid that, just as divorcing wives almost always manage to take children away from their fathers.

Many divorced couples share really good child care arrangements, at least in the cases I know of. In many cases it has been the mother who has mainly stayed at home to bring the children up, and the father who earns more, so it stands to reason that children usually stay with her, especially if they are young. If the father had them, presumably they would have to spend a large amount of their time in day care while he went to work.
As long as both do what they can to make sure the non resident parent has regular time with the children, then that can work quite well.

It seem to me that you are thinking mainly of yourself in this. When you foster or adopt, you are surely doing it mainly for the children, not yourself, helping those children who need a home for whatever reason. Its never ideal for children to be adopted into a family with only one parent, but you seem to be only thinking of this so that any future ex wife cant 'take then away from you'.
Maybe think and pray about getting married first, and allow God to change the way you see marriage and women in general. Then think of future children, and trust God for whatever happens. When I got married I never for  a second thought about what may or may not happen if I ever got divorced, because I trust God and I trust my husband, and he doesn't believe that you should break promises that you make, and I know that he would never end this marriage. I have far more reason than you to be distrustful of marriage,(after what my father and first husband did),but I never hesitated to get married this time, because I l knew that this man was Gods choice for me, and I know he has high morals and integrity, and I know that the future is in Gods hands anyway and that He will look after me.

Remember that verse when Job says 'what I feared most has come upon me?' 

I didn't ask for this discussion, and I am really not interested in your sentiments. You have very, very selective hearing.

Sometimes others can see what you cant Cally. Your anti women and anti marriage sentiments are evident here, and the fact that God wants children bought up with a mother and a father is also clear in the Bible.
This reminds me of those women who have got to a certain age but aren't yet married, but who still elect to get pregnant and have a child because that is what they want, not thinking of what is best for that child.

[Cally]

Sometimes others can see what you cant Cally. Your anti women and anti marriage sentiments are evident here, and the fact that God wants children bought up with a mother and a father is also clear in the Bible.
This reminds me of those women who have got to a certain age but aren't yet married, but who still elect to get pregnant and have a child because that is what they want, not thinking of what is best for that child.

I don't believe I am either anti-woman or anti-marriage (I certainly hope not). However, you (for example) seem determined to pay no mind to the realities of what happens to a man legally in today's world, which is, in all practicality, he loses his human rights almost completely. I don't see how a man could be the "leader" he's supposed to be in such circumstances.

At the same time, I also hurt for younger men and boys and have wondered how to help. The idea of throwing weight into something greater than oneself is energizing. In different circumstances, marriage would be an option for that too.