Teen daughter plans to marry against our wishes

[cddm_me]

I will try to keep this as short and to the point as possible by just hitting the highlights. 
Our 17 (will be 18 in May) daughter's boyfriend came to us last spring and asked for our blessing to propose to her.  Our response was that she has to finish college first before any marriage takes place.  Part of my thinking there, of course was that a lot can happen in 2 years. Apparently after he proposed to her he asked her when she wanted to get married.  Her reply was "we can wait until after college because it's only 2 years".  To which he replied "but we love each other and want to be together, why wait".  So they decided to marry this Sept. the same month she will begin college.  Well that was just the first of our concerns with this young man.  He and his family are Christians so for him to totally disregard and dishonor us raised a HUGE red flag in our eyes.  When my husband (may daughters step father) contacted the young man and told him we needed to talk about this marriage he replied "are we going to discuss it or be told what to do?"  Red flag number 2!!!  There have since been MANY.  Long story short, none of her friends or family members are approving of this marriage.  Several people from friends to family members to church family members have tried talking to her.  She may come across as tho we are making sense but after she has talked to him or been with he and his family (might I add that his parents were engaged in high school so they are completely supportive of this) then she has no more regard for what had been said.  There's more and I could go on and on but in short my biggest struggle at this point is not knowing how much of the wedding planning should I involve myself in?  I just cannot even imagine sitting in their church (yes they are getting married in his church, not ours) and appearing to be in support of the union when I am not.  Not to mention that it is expected that we pay for it?!!  I just don't know what to do.  She has replaced 2 of her brides maids because they were straight forth and told her this is a mistake.  Her sister is her maid of honor and will probably be replaced as well after she has a heart to heart talk with her this weekend. 
This may be confusing and I apologize.  Any words of wisdom or direction toward specific scripture would be very much appreciated at this point.  Thank you! 

[MeMyself]

I will try to keep this as short and to the point as possible by just hitting the highlights. 
Our 17 (will be 18 in May) daughter's boyfriend came to us last spring and asked for our blessing to propose to her.  Our response was that she has to finish college first before any marriage takes place.  Part of my thinking there, of course was that a lot can happen in 2 years. Apparently after he proposed to her he asked her when she wanted to get married.  Her reply was "we can wait until after college because it's only 2 years".  To which he replied "but we love each other and want to be together, why wait".  So they decided to marry this Sept. the same month she will begin college.  Well that was just the first of our concerns with this young man.  He and his family are Christians so for him to totally disregard and dishonor us raised a HUGE red flag in our eyes.  When my husband (may daughters step father) contacted the young man and told him we needed to talk about this marriage he replied "are we going to discuss it or be told what to do?"  Red flag number 2!!!  There have since been MANY.  Long story short, none of her friends or family members are approving of this marriage.  Several people from friends to family members to church family members have tried talking to her.  She may come across as tho we are making sense but after she has talked to him or been with he and his family (might I add that his parents were engaged in high school so they are completely supportive of this) then she has no more regard for what had been said.  There's more and I could go on and on but in short my biggest struggle at this point is not knowing how much of the wedding planning should I involve myself in?  I just cannot even imagine sitting in their church (yes they are getting married in his church, not ours) and appearing to be in support of the union when I am not.  Not to mention that it is expected that we pay for it?!!  I just don't know what to do.  She has replaced 2 of her brides maids because they were straight forth and told her this is a mistake.  Her sister is her maid of honor and will probably be replaced as well after she has a heart to heart talk with her this weekend. 
This may be confusing and I apologize.  Any words of wisdom or direction toward specific scripture would be very much appreciated at this point.  Thank you! 

She will be 18 by the time September rolls around, so she is legally an adult and free to make her own choices.  It is HARD to have to sit back and watch our kids make decisions we don't feel are right, *but* we have to learn to let go. PRAY in the meantime. Remember its not your daughters choices that makes you love her, but WHO she is! This "poor" choice shouldn't change you supporting her, you've let your opinions be known and now comes the season of life that the art of letting go takes place.

Trust the job you've done in raising her. She isn't sinning by wanting to get married, she isn't sinning in wanting to stand before his congregation, she will be an adult...your feelings may be hurt, but even then you can still support her. Don't alienate her, don't try and gather people to be on your "side" to prove to her she is wrong, don't bash her to friends and family...just love her. I know you have a life planned for her and ideas of what an adult her should look like, but sometimes our adult children have other ideas, make other choices and we are faced with some too: Do we love our child for who they are or how well they live up to our ideals for them?

God bless! This is a very hard transitional time, and my heart goes out to you...remember letting go is an art and a learning process.  You will make mistakes and so will she...apologize often, forgive much and pray pray pray!

[Red Baker]

When my husband (may daughters step father)

Is daughter's father totally out of the picture? If not, and they are close, then I would get him involve.  If not, then you and your husband have the right to say no, but not knowing your daughter and how far she is into this relationship, it hard to give advice.  I would try to go the  young man's pastor, and discuss this with him, and see if he could slow this down a little. It could be too late, specifically, if sex has enter the picture. And that happens with the very best of people, even though they may have good intentions of staying pure.  It becomes very difficult with two young people are isolated very much. Once something of this natures happens, "Michael motorcycle" win out, and reasoning with them is out the window.  A lot can and will happen in two years.  My wife and I got marry against her parents (her mother and step-father, the same with you) wishes, but neither of us were in church, or even thought about God very much.  That was almost fifty years ago, so it can work.  I would not waste much money on a wedding, if they are dogmatic about doing it their way.  If we were living in the OT, no problem, problem solved, but, we are living in the twenty first century, and parents have much less control, then in the past.  Try talking to his parents, that may slow things down a little.  A Soft tongue goes a long way, in bringing people to think soberly about what they are doing.   May God be very gracious to you in seeking godly help, he alone rules the hearts of all men and can turn those hearts very easily.   

[Red Baker]

Helen~where are you? come and help this dear lady out with some good advice.  MeMself, said some good words.  Pm Helen, she is older and should be able to give some sound advice.

[DaveW]

[tongue firmly in cheek]

Of course the groom to be could just **disappear** if you know what I mean ...

I know somebody who knows somebody who heard of someone ....

[/tongue firmly in cheek]

[chosenone]

My initial thoughts are these.
Yes they are very young, but its only recently that young people have been waiting till their mid to late 20's and 30's to get married. When I was their age in the early 70's, many married in their late teens and early 20's, it was the norm. In past history people married even earlier than this.
In fact my two best friends at the time married at the age of 19, and their marriages are still going strong 38 years later. I know several other ladies who were 18 or 19 when they married, and their marriages too are still going 40 or more years later. Also, if they are waiting for sex till marriage,  then having to wait 3 or 4 in all years is something extremely hard for them.

Secondly they appear to have been seeing each other for some time, if he asked you if he could marry her nearly a year ago, so its not a rushed relationship.

Thirdly he is a Christian guy and so are his family, which is the most important thing.

Fourthly, she is shortly an adult, and I assume he is an adult already, so they need to be allowed to make their own decisions. You may not agree with them, but we bring our children up to be in dependant young people, and we know they will make many decisions in life that we may not like but that's part of being a parent, that we have to take a step back and allow them to do so. Not easy but who said it was going to be easy. We can give advise and say what we think, but then leave it to them.

I am just wondering more about the practical aspects. Is he is at college himself? Does he work? Will they have somewhere to live? What will they live on if she is studying?   

MY step son was almost engaged to a girl a few years back that my husband(his dad) and I really felt wasn't right for him. It wasn't their age(they were both about 24 or so)but the fact that she was bossy and controlling. Now we said NOTHING to him at all, but prayed that if this wasn't right for him that God would make it clear to him. Many months later they had actually bought the engagement ring, but he had began to feel uneasy, and called it off.
He is now, 5 years later, engaged to another girl who seems very nice(we haven't met her they are in OZ), but she isn't a believer so we are again praying that if God doesn't want this marriage(planned for September)He will again intervene in some way.

Have you actually prayed and asked God what HE wants? If not why not do so, and ask Him that if He doesn't want this marriage to go ahead, that He intervenes and makes your daughter feel uneasy and not have any peace about it. However God may be quite happy about them marrying. 

It is understandable that they are getting married in his church where they have support and encouragement.  It must very hard for them to have so many of their family and friend against it, and if you all carry on being so unsupportive and disapproving, you may well drive her away and she will spend less time with you, and more and more time with people who are supportive. Pray and leave it in Gods hands.

[OldDad]

You have been given some decent advice already.

There is most likely nothing you can do or say that will prevent these two from getting married. The "straight forth" talk they've received already seems to have driven them closer and strengthened their intention to marry.  If you are openly disapproving, or refuse to go the the ceremony, or refuse to help financially (at least in some small way, you don't have to foot the entire bill), you may find yourself burning bridges that affect your life for decades.

Now it's time to focus on the future. What if their marriage endures until death do them part? Could you handle being ignored or shut out of their life together? Growing more apart from your daughter than is normal after they wed? Could you handle not seeing your future grandchildren, or not being involved in their lives? No holiday visits, cards or remembrances on special days? Do you want to be known as the "good, helpful inlaws" or "the other ones"?

You say his parents married early and are still together - that's a good thing. Both families are believers - another good thing. Is it an ideal situation? No, but you must make the best of the hand you've been dealt. My advice is that you swallow hard, take a deep breath, and put on the biggest, happiest smile you can manage - and then dedicate yourself to helping them make the best marriage and life for themselves that they possibly can.

[RoninJedi]

I don't see how him asking if it would be a discussion or just them told what to do is a red flag.  There's a big difference, of course, and based on your post, you're feelings are obvious and I would say he raised a fair question.

I think a big part of what's happening here is that this is a big transition coming up, and perhaps you aren't ready to face it yet.  Yes, at the moment your daughter is 17, but when she is 18, a legal adult, and out of your house, she is no longer under your authority.  To put it bluntly, the young man asking for your daughter's hand was a very nice gesture, but completely unnecessary.  Your blessing has no bearing on whether they can get married.

I completely understand you wanting her to finish college first.  I agree with you that this would be the wiser choice, but ultimately it's not your choice to make.  It's hers.  There's nothing wrong with being married and in college.  One does not eliminate the possibility of the other, but the attitude you're currently presenting says that you feel it does.  I'm not saying that this is what you think, but it is the impression you're creating.

I also don't quite understand your anger (at least that's how it came across) at the wedding taking place at his church instead of yours.  When they are married, she will be under his authority and spiritual leadership, so I see no problem whatsoever with them being married in his church.

I'm not a professional, but I think what's happening here is that you're experiencing that moment all parents (especially those with daughters) fear when some boy comes along to take away your little girl.

I sincerely believe you all need to sit down and have a discussion.  And by that, I mean an actually dialogue, not a meeting where they sit there and you tell them how you think things should be done with no regard for their feelings or input.  Bottom line, it's her life.  If she wants to marry this guy before finishing college, then that's what she's going to do. 

One thing I can tell you for sure is that if you keep pushing as you have been (such as her sister now having a "heart to heart" with her this weekend), then you will push her right out of your life.  You're her mother, and she loves you.  When she marries this guy - regardless of whether it's 7 months or 2 years from now or whatever - she will want you there to encourage, uplift, be proud, and just be there for her on that special occassion.  Right now, you're frankly doing the opposite.

If you don't think a genuine discussion can happen - whether because of yourself or your daughter or whoever - then schedule a sit-down with your or his pastor and have a genuine discussion.  At some point, you have to make yourself step back a bit.  She's not supposed to marry because it makes you, her sisters, or her friends happy.  She's supposed to marry because it makes her happy.

In all of this, have you considered what God has told her to do?  Have you stopped and asked Him what He was you to do? 

Take a step back.  Take a deep breath.  Take some serious time for some serious prayer, and then take some serious time for some serious discussion.

For what it's worth, that's my $0.02.

[Charming Anarchist]

She has replaced 2 of her brides maids because they were straight forth and told her this is a mistake. 

This is the most significant red flag, in my opinion. 

When her best female friends disapprove of the wedding, it means 1 of 2 things or both: 
a) Your daughter does not really love the man she plans to marry.  <--- most likely 
or
b) The groom does not really love the bride.



If you want to put a stop to the marriage, I suggest that change your tactic.  Encourage the ex-bride's-maids to meet with the groom and tell him straight up.   

[AVZ]

I will try to keep this as short and to the point as possible by just hitting the highlights. 
Our 17 (will be 18 in May) daughter's boyfriend came to us last spring and asked for our blessing to propose to her.  Our response was that she has to finish college first before any marriage takes place.  Part of my thinking there, of course was that a lot can happen in 2 years. Apparently after he proposed to her he asked her when she wanted to get married.  Her reply was "we can wait until after college because it's only 2 years".  To which he replied "but we love each other and want to be together, why wait".  So they decided to marry this Sept. the same month she will begin college.  Well that was just the first of our concerns with this young man.  He and his family are Christians so for him to totally disregard and dishonor us raised a HUGE red flag in our eyes.  When my husband (may daughters step father) contacted the young man and told him we needed to talk about this marriage he replied "are we going to discuss it or be told what to do?"  Red flag number 2!!!  There have since been MANY.  Long story short, none of her friends or family members are approving of this marriage.  Several people from friends to family members to church family members have tried talking to her.  She may come across as tho we are making sense but after she has talked to him or been with he and his family (might I add that his parents were engaged in high school so they are completely supportive of this) then she has no more regard for what had been said.  There's more and I could go on and on but in short my biggest struggle at this point is not knowing how much of the wedding planning should I involve myself in?  I just cannot even imagine sitting in their church (yes they are getting married in his church, not ours) and appearing to be in support of the union when I am not.  Not to mention that it is expected that we pay for it?!!  I just don't know what to do.  She has replaced 2 of her brides maids because they were straight forth and told her this is a mistake.  Her sister is her maid of honor and will probably be replaced as well after she has a heart to heart talk with her this weekend. 
This may be confusing and I apologize.  Any words of wisdom or direction toward specific scripture would be very much appreciated at this point.  Thank you! 

Seems to me your daughter is as much to blame as the young man. She doesn't reflect the necessary honor and respect towards you guys.
Anyway, what really baffles me is that an 18 year old somehow can come to the conclusion to get married, and expect mom and dad to jump in to finance the whole show.
I would keep my purse firmly closed.

[Carey]

We can give all the advice in the world, but our influence is not always as we would like it.  Sometimes, we just have to clench our teeth and smile, hope for the best, support them, and pray.  Be glad that this young man is a Christian, that is a blessing in itself.

This may help,
My wife and I were engaged, while we were in university.  I graduated two months before the wedding, she had still two years to complete.  When she received her diploma I attended the ceremony with our infant son.  In a couple of months we will celebrate our 22nd anniversary, and we are truly blessed with a wonderful marriage, and two wonderful Christian children.

Our parents had misgivings, but with their support, everything turned out fine.

We paid for our own wedding, you are not obliged.  That said, if you can, help your daughter have the wedding you and she have dreamed of.

Sometimes life happens, we are not in control, and just have to go along for the ride.

Prayers for you and your family,
Carey.

[geneh_33]

The only thing I know to do in this situation is PRAY.

Please PRAY for cddm, brethren and sisters.

[Hopegrace]

Once she is 18 she can do as she feels.  It might be best to just go along with her to help make the most of the relationship that she has with you.

[Rella]

One thing no one has mentioned....

At their age... the hormones are driving them. And the hormones are worse when in love.

If they wait until she is our of college do you really expect them to wait for the wedding night?

I am not advocating for this marriage but can understand their wanting to get married now.

They need to know though that they both will change well into their 20s and problems may come up.

They also should talk with the pastors of both churches about what to anticipate.

[kensington]

If she is of age and they are in love... then I don't see the problem. She can still go to college.  They are young, but once they engagement was announced I don't see the point in putting it off.  I think you have TOO many people talking in her ear.  Which means you have been talking to a lot of people about this.  You should be talking to her and him and no one else... it's none of their business.  If you keep this up, you will frustrate her, causing her to pull away from you and end up estranged from her.

The word says to let them marry so that they don't burn.  The fire of desire can be very hot, and cause sin. This is why we have the instruction to marry.  It's better for them to marry than to fall into sin and go down a path of pain.  Sometimes, it's not about you. Or what you want. 

You don't have to pay for it, tell them to go to the court house.  But, if you are paying for it, and they are getting married, get behind them, be supportive, stop trying to manipulate him and talking him down to all of her family and friends.  You are causing a split in her life that she does not deserve because he has a mind of his own.  Just because you have convinced everyone with your talking to be against him...  doesn't mean you are right.  You are discrediting him, and she won't like you for it.  The more people that come to her against him, the more she will cling to him. You will lose her.

[Swiss_Guard]

[tongue firmly in cheek]

Of course the groom to be could just **disappear** if you know what I mean ...

I know somebody who knows somebody who heard of someone ....

[/tongue firmly in cheek]

Sorry, our business is booked this time of year.

If she is of age and they are in love... then I don't see the problem.

But if the guy is basically ignoring her parent's wishes, then that sounds like a recipe for a divided family in years to come. Plus, I'd also want to know if this guy has the financial means to support her, or if he's just going to expect her family to shoulder the burden of their wedding, her college education, and their children when they come along.

Here's praying for a good outcome.