A Christian Gal With A Perhaps Unexpected Taste In Men

[CherieLuva]

After a long time, I finally came to the realization, that I am submissive. I've never really been happy in my relationships, and I'm only 19, so I know I have time. It's quite the contradiction, I suppose.
First off, being a Christian. You don't often hear of Christian women wanting a Sub/Dom relationship. I don't believe in sex before marriage, and the type of relationship I seek can indeed remain platonic until after vows.
Trust me, I've done my research. These relationships are far more flexible than people believe them to be.
Following, I also am a tomboy of sorts. At least as far as career choices go. I've loved firefighting, done some in my time, and intend to join the marines. I even hope that once in the service I can make my way up the ranks, and aim for Captain.
The reason I explain this, is that despite the fact that I am a strong, independent, MMA loving, God-fearing, Lord Comes First- kind of woman; I can't entertain the idea of a relationship unless it involves a man telling me what to do.
I've had control in relationships before, and I've never liked it.
After hearing about these types of relationships, I came to realize that was exactly what I was looking for.
So my dilemma comes to be, that it is very, very difficult to find a satisfying relationship.
Am I the only Christian woman who feels this way?
Are there any others who like these type of relationships?

[Red Baker]

Disregard

[Faithful]

Depends what you mean by 'submissive'.  Are you talking sexually too, where you are dominated?
My understanding of sub/dom relationships is that the sub enjoys the experience of being (what others would term) 'degraded'

I guess it is up to you, the way you choose to live your life.  But I would say that a sub/dom model for a marriage isn't a healthy or Biblical one.   There is a big difference between 'submitting' and 'being dominated by'.

[chosenone]

Why do you feel the need to have a man telling you what to do all the time? Don't get me wrong, submission in the right context is good and godly, but  God does expect women to have a mind of their own and to have their own opinions and ideas and wisdom. Being submissive doesn't mean that one partner orders the other around, or they are are always the one to make decisions or that the wife should be a door mat or needing to be under the thumb all the time.   
Read this story from proverbs 31. Its doesnt sound to me as if this godly lady was that way does it?

A capable, intelligent, and virtuous woman—who is he who can find her? She is far more precious than jewels and her value is far above rubies or pearls.
11 The heart of her husband trusts in her confidently and relies on and believes in her securely, so that he has no lack of [honest] gain or need of [dishonest] spoil.
12 She comforts, encourages, and does him only good as long as there is life within her.
13 She seeks out wool and flax and works with willing hands [to develop it].
14 She is like the merchant ships loaded with foodstuffs; she brings her household's food from a far [country].
15 She rises while it is yet night and gets [spiritual] food for her household and assigns her maids their tasks.
16 She considers a [new] field before she buys or accepts it [expanding prudently and not courting neglect of her present duties by assuming other duties]; with her savings [of time and strength] she plants fruitful vines in her vineyard.
17 She girds herself with strength [spiritual, mental, and physical fitness for her God-given task] and makes her arms strong and firm.
18 She tastes and sees that her gain from work [with and for God] is good; her lamp goes not out, but it burns on continually through the night [of trouble, privation, or sorrow, warning away fear, doubt, and distrust].
19 She lays her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff.
20 She opens her hand to the poor, yes, she reaches out her filled hands to the needy [whether in body, mind, or spirit].
21 She fears not the snow for her family, for all her household are doubly clothed in scarlet.
22 She makes for herself coverlets, cushions, and rugs of tapestry. Her clothing is of linen, pure and fine, and of purple [such as that of which the clothing of the priests and the hallowed cloths of the temple were made].
23 Her husband is known in the [city's] gates, when he sits among the elders of the land.
24 She makes fine linen garments and leads others to buy them; she delivers to the merchants girdles [or sashes that free one up for service].
25 Strength and dignity are her clothing and her position is strong and secure; she rejoices over the future [the latter day or time to come, knowing that she and her family are in readiness for it]!
26 She opens her mouth in skillful and godly Wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness [giving counsel and instruction].
27 She looks well to how things go in her household, and the bread of idleness (gossip, discontent, and self-pity) she will not eat.
28 Her children rise up and call her blessed (happy, fortunate, and to be envied); and her husband boasts of and praises her, [saying],
29 [c]Many daughters have done virtuously, nobly, and well [with the strength of character that is steadfast in goodness], but you excel them all.

I love this verse as well.   
Proverbs 12:4
Amplified Bible (AMP)
4 A virtuous and worthy wife [earnest and strong in character] is a crowning joy to her husband, but she who makes him ashamed is as rottenness in his bones.

You can be a strong capable and wise lady while still being a good wife. A good marriage isnt a sub/dom one, because both are equal under God, and it takes a lot of strength to be submissive in the right way. Being submissive in the wrong way, while the husband is 'dominant' often isn't godly. 

MY feeling is that if you feel the need to be ordered about and told what to do all the time, despite being capable and balanced in other ways, something is skewed in you, maybe as a result of your own upbringing and what you saw in your own parents marriage and other marriages around you?

You are very very young yet.  I would ask God to enable you to be the mature woman that He wants YOU to be, and to prepare you for the right man when you are ready to marry. Leave it him. I changed immensley from the age of 19 throughout my 20's, and have been changing all the time since then.
While you may think you want to be ordered about and told what to do now, it may not seem quite so attractive after 10 years of it, especially as you will have changed a lot in that time. Also you may well attract the wrong sort of guy, one who wants to dominate and control in the wrong way.
Husbands are supposed to lead by example, and not by being dominant or by telling everyone what to do.

[chosenone]

Depends what you mean by 'submissive'.  Are you talking sexually too, where you are dominated?
My understanding of sub/dom relationships is that the sub enjoys the experience of being (what others would term) 'degraded'

I guess it is up to you, the way you choose to live your life.  But I would say that a sub/dom model for a marriage isn't a healthy or Biblical one.   There is a big difference between 'submitting' and 'being dominated by'.

Yes a MASSIVE difference. One is healthy and godly, and the other is very unhealthy and dysfunctional.

[Red Baker]

disregard

[Nevertheless]

Red, I think you misunderstand. The OP is not talking about godly submission in marriage. She is talking about a sexual preference where the "submissive" partner is controlled by the "dominant," usually with restraints such as handcuffs, gags, etc.

Here is a link to a wiki article that explains in more detail if you are interested. LINK

[Red Baker]

Red, I think you misunderstand. The OP is not talking about godly submission in marriage. She is talking about a sexual preference where the "submissive" partner is controlled by the "dominant," usually with restraints such as handcuffs, gags, etc.

Here is a link to a wiki article that explains in more detail if you are interested. LINK

Sorry, I will wake up.  Thanks for telling me.

[CherieLuva]

Well, I mean it in both senses. God comes first, forever and always. I want him to be the main objective in a relationship. I've talked to Doms, who were nice men, just to ask questions. They've told me that each relationship depends on the people in it. It's very probable to have a relationship in which there are two Christian people who choose not to have sex before marriage.
I think people often misunderstand, and do not realize how much control the submissive actually has. And it's about more than the sex. I've always liked a "man in charge" so to speak. But even I know there is a thin line between being in charge and being controlling, and I know where it is. I can do fine on my own, without men. I can make my own decisions, but the fact remains that I desire a Christian relationship, where God is first and foremost, but I'd also like to have this type.
I think I really like it because there's a lot of energy and attention put into the relationship. Any and all sexual things would come after marriage. So that's not an issue. Like I've said, I've done my research, and they are very flexible, like any relationship. It's more than a sexual preference, it's a lifestyle choice.

[chosenone]

Well, I mean it in both senses. God comes first, forever and always. I want him to be the main objective in a relationship. I've talked to Doms, who were nice men, just to ask questions. They've told me that each relationship depends on the people in it. It's very probable to have a relationship in which there are two Christian people who choose not to have sex before marriage.
I think people often misunderstand, and do not realize how much control the submissive actually has. And it's about more than the sex. I've always liked a "man in charge" so to speak. But even I know there is a thin line between being in charge and being controlling, and I know where it is. I can do fine on my own, without men. I can make my own decisions, but the fact remains that I desire a Christian relationship, where God is first and foremost, but I'd also like to have this type.
I think I really like it because there's a lot of energy and attention put into the relationship. Any and all sexual things would come after marriage. So that's not an issue. Like I've said, I've done my research, and they are very flexible, like any relationship. It's more than a sexual preference, it's a lifestyle choice.

Of course its forbidden for us to have sex before marriage anyway, but if you are desiring a 'S and M' type marriage, whether in sex or in other ways, you need to ask God to heal what it is in you that is damaged.
Desiring to be hurt/dominated/controlled, and to be with a man who wants to hurt/domimate/control, isn't godly, and the man as well needs healing in that scenario. Something has happened to make people want or desire a skewed/unbalanced relationship of that sort, and to need to have that to be aroused.
Pray about it, and ask God to mend what it is that has got damaged and out of balance, and maybe ask a mature trusted Christian lady to pray with you as well. I wouldnt even think of a relationship until God has had much time to work, and I would also totally avoid going to any website where this type of guy is. Don't feed something that is so against Gods order. Instead read 'Song of Songs'. There is no 'S and M' there.

  It would also be a very dysfunctional family to bring a child uo in as well.

(Just wanted to say that if you ARE looking at any porn of that type(or any type)dont do it any more, because it will feed the wrong desires and make things much worse.)

[Cally]

After a long time, I finally came to the realization, that I am submissive. I've never really been happy in my relationships, and I'm only 19, so I know I have time. It's quite the contradiction, I suppose.
First off, being a Christian. You don't often hear of Christian women wanting a Sub/Dom relationship. I don't believe in sex before marriage, and the type of relationship I seek can indeed remain platonic until after vows.
Trust me, I've done my research. These relationships are far more flexible than people believe them to be.
Following, I also am a tomboy of sorts. At least as far as career choices go. I've loved firefighting, done some in my time, and intend to join the marines. I even hope that once in the service I can make my way up the ranks, and aim for Captain.
The reason I explain this, is that despite the fact that I am a strong, independent, MMA loving, God-fearing, Lord Comes First- kind of woman; I can't entertain the idea of a relationship unless it involves a man telling me what to do.
I've had control in relationships before, and I've never liked it.
After hearing about these types of relationships, I came to realize that was exactly what I was looking for.
So my dilemma comes to be, that it is very, very difficult to find a satisfying relationship.
Am I the only Christian woman who feels this way?
Are there any others who like these type of relationships?

This is not an uncommon story, where a "tomboy," seeming to go anywhere but toward femininity, also goes toward a degrading version of femininity.

Hence, the root of the desire to be a tomboy--away from femininity--and going toward a degrading expression of femininity are the same; a sort of "love/hate" relationship of a misunderstood concept of femininity.

If I were to make a recommendation for you, track down everything the Bible says on man vs woman to and meditate on them to understand the difference. Modern culture is a train wreck in this area so it's kind of difficult.

Just a suggestion really.