What is wrong with me?

[Faithful]

A friend asked me this question the other day, 'What is wrong with me?'   By that, she was saying she's 37 and not married.
It's an interesting question because I think our culture (and churches) do put a negative value on people of a certain age who are not married.   Men over 40 are labelled as either 'gay' or 'commitment phobes' and women can be labelled, as thoguh they are needy, whiny or there is fundamentally something wrong with them.

I really, really dislike that!  I'm 39 and haven't been married....and I don't think there is anything 'wrong' with me.  My non-married state is probably down to a few different things, but in my 20s, I had a huge job that involved regular international travel and so I didn't really settle down or get involved in a church.  I didn't have much of a social life either - just seemed to always be on a plane.   When I was 32, I finally met a man I thought I could spend the rest of my life with.   By the age of 37, it was over - when I discovered that despite us committing to not sleeping together, he was doing some terrible things behind my back.   For a while, life as I knew it literally fell apart.

So here I am today, 39, no immediate signs of a husband on the horizon, but I'm getting on cheerfyully with life.  I have friends, a house, a great job, car, some available income, a wonderful church....but not yet met that guy.

I said to my friend that sometimes it's just circumstances - that's the way things work out.   But I am wondering, how can we fight against this negative attitude in churches, that there is something 'wrong' with people over a certain age who are not married?

[chosenone]

For women in the church its often just that there simply aren't enough available Christian guys of that sort of age. If there are, say, 2 or 3 women to every one man, then of course that means many women wont get married unless they marry non believers. That's the truth.
Most decent godly guys are snapped up by the age of 30 in my experience, and if a Christian guy does get to 40 without having been married, then there is, I am sorry to say, often something that is putting women off him. Some men do come back on the market after a divorce maybe, but again if he a decent godly man he will again be snapped up very quickly(my husband had been on a Christian dating site for about 2 or 3 days when I snapped him up. I had been on for two years on and off.)

I don't think anything of people of your age being single, because I know the situation. I know many nice young ladies in their 30's who aren't yet married. There is nothing wrong with them except a shortage of men.

Does your friend do anything to meet people? Is she proactive?   I really think that as women with the problems we have of few men in the church, we need to be far more proactive that the men do if we want to meet someone(as in my case).

[ohcalidatex]

It is not for someone else to judge if you should be married or not. Who is to say what God's timing is? They should mind their own business.

I am 53, divorced, and no desire to remarry. It is hard for some to understand as on paper I would seem like a great catch. The problem is I have had too many emotional scars in my life and now prefer living alone and not having to work at a relationship. It's nice to have social company now and then but not enough to make a relationship work. Unlike many happy singles I have almost no local friends. I truly am a loner. Yet I am far more at peace this way than trying to date. I get about 2 weeks into dating and bail.

Why is anyone so concerned with someone else's life? Unless you are in sin there is no reason for them to say anything about your state of singleness.

[chosenone]

It is not for someone else to judge if you should be married or not. Who is to say what God's timing is? They should mind their own business.

I am 53, divorced, and no desire to remarry. It is hard for some to understand as on paper I would seem like a great catch. The problem is I have had too many emotional scars in my life and now prefer living alone and not having to work at a relationship. It's nice to have social company now and then but not enough to make a relationship work. Unlike many happy singles I have almost no local friends. I truly am a loner. Yet I am far more at peace this way than trying to date. I get about 2 weeks into dating and bail.

Why is anyone so concerned with someone else's life? Unless you are in sin there is no reason for them to say anything about your state of singleness.

Are you a guy or a lady?
I am glad you have found peace, you are one of those people who clearly don't need or want much company. I am happy with my own company to an extent but not all the time. I find  it does me a lot of good to get out and met with people/friends whether I feel like it or not. Do you have a local church?.

I can relate to your situation in that I too have had many emotional scars, but in my case it didn't put me off wanting to marry again, and in my late 40's I met and married my second husband. He too was divorced and we 'clicked' immediately.
We are all different and I am much happier since I married him than I was as a single person. Mind you I wasn't going to marry just anyone, he had to be special. The dating process can be daunting and hard, but I also met some nice people in the process.

[Cally]

I said to my friend that sometimes it's just circumstances - that's the way things work out.   But I am wondering, how can we fight against this negative attitude in churches, that there is something 'wrong' with people over a certain age who are not married?

I don't know if I smell a negative attitude toward singles in churches, but there is definitely an over-spiritualization of marriage in churches. Marriage is an earthly position in which there are wonderful things to do, and many ways to glorify God as a husband or wife. But, it is an entirely fleshly state--it only lasts this lifetime, as there is no marriage in heaven.

1 Corinthians 7:29
What I mean, brothers and sisters, is that the time is short. From now on those who have wives should live as if they do not;

The point being that a spouse (husband or wife to be clear) is an Earthly "possession" of sorts that is fleeting just like any other. Churches should be emphasizing the spiritual family more (Mark 10:30), but instead tend to talk about marriage as if it's THE be-all-end-all of relationships.

Frankly I think that's the biggest problem with western marriages, ironically enough. It's like if I buy a toaster and expect it to cook toast, mow the lawn, and turn the lights on--that's bound to result in dissatisfaction. We need more talk about spiritual family to put marriage in proportion. If you don't have certain relationship needs that are distinctly fulfilled with marriage and marriage only, then spiritual family has everything else that you need.

[chosenone]

I said to my friend that sometimes it's just circumstances - that's the way things work out.   But I am wondering, how can we fight against this negative attitude in churches, that there is something 'wrong' with people over a certain age who are not married?

I don't know if I smell a negative attitude toward singles in churches, but there is definitely an over-spiritualization of marriage in churches. Marriage is an earthly position in which there are wonderful things to do, and many ways to glorify God as a husband or wife. But, it is an entirely fleshly state--it only lasts this lifetime, as there is no marriage in heaven.

1 Corinthians 7:29
What I mean, brothers and sisters, is that the time is short. From now on those who have wives should live as if they do not;

The point being that a spouse (husband or wife to be clear) is an Earthly "possession" of sorts that is fleeting just like any other. Churches should be emphasizing the spiritual family more (Mark 10:30), but instead tend to talk about marriage as if it's THE be-all-end-all of relationships.

Frankly I think that's the biggest problem with western marriages, ironically enough. It's like if I buy a toaster and expect it to cook toast, mow the lawn, and turn the lights on--that's bound to result in dissatisfaction. We need more talk about spiritual family to put marriage in proportion. If you don't have certain relationship needs that are distinctly fulfilled with marriage and marriage only, then spiritual family has everything else that you need.

..........and yet marriage is the bedrock of society. Every time the institution of marriage begins to crumble and weaken in any society(as it is now), that society weakens, morals plummet and things can fall apart. 
I do believe the church family is important, but our own families must come first. As you say its also important that we have the wider family and Christian friends as well.
I know too many couples whose only life was really each other, and when one dies or they divorce, the other is completely lost because they had little life outside their own marriage.   

[Cally]

I do believe the church family is important, but our own families must come first

Are you not arguing with Jesus?

Matthew 12:46
46 While Jesus was still talking to the crowd, his mother and brothers stood outside, wanting to speak to him. 47 Someone told him, "Your mother and brothers are standing outside, wanting to speak to you."

48 He replied to him, "Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?" 49 Pointing to his disciples, he said, "Here are my mother and my brothers. 50 For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother."

and
Matthew 10:35-36
For I have come to turn "'a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law--a man's enemies will be the members of his own household.'

[Texas Conservative]

I said to my friend that sometimes it's just circumstances - that's the way things work out.   But I am wondering, how can we fight against this negative attitude in churches, that there is something 'wrong' with people over a certain age who are not married?

I don't know if I smell a negative attitude toward singles in churches, but there is definitely an over-spiritualization of marriage in churches. Marriage is an earthly position in which there are wonderful things to do, and many ways to glorify God as a husband or wife. But, it is an entirely fleshly state--it only lasts this lifetime, as there is no marriage in heaven.

1 Corinthians 7:29
What I mean, brothers and sisters, is that the time is short. From now on those who have wives should live as if they do not;

The point being that a spouse (husband or wife to be clear) is an Earthly "possession" of sorts that is fleeting just like any other. Churches should be emphasizing the spiritual family more (Mark 10:30), but instead tend to talk about marriage as if it's THE be-all-end-all of relationships.

Frankly I think that's the biggest problem with western marriages, ironically enough. It's like if I buy a toaster and expect it to cook toast, mow the lawn, and turn the lights on--that's bound to result in dissatisfaction. We need more talk about spiritual family to put marriage in proportion. If you don't have certain relationship needs that are distinctly fulfilled with marriage and marriage only, then spiritual family has everything else that you need.

I do believe the church family is important, but our own families must come first

Are you not arguing with Jesus?

Matthew 12:46
46 While Jesus was still talking to the crowd, his mother and brothers stood outside, wanting to speak to him. 47 Someone told him, "Your mother and brothers are standing outside, wanting to speak to you."

48 He replied to him, "Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?" 49 Pointing to his disciples, he said, "Here are my mother and my brothers. 50 For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother."

and
Matthew 10:35-36
For I have come to turn "'a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law--a man's enemies will be the members of his own household.'

No.  She is to submit to her husband as to the Lord.  Marriage is a shadow of the relationship of Jesus Christ and the Church.

[ohcalidatex]

It is not for someone else to judge if you should be married or not. Who is to say what God's timing is? They should mind their own business.

I am 53, divorced, and no desire to remarry. It is hard for some to understand as on paper I would seem like a great catch. The problem is I have had too many emotional scars in my life and now prefer living alone and not having to work at a relationship. It's nice to have social company now and then but not enough to make a relationship work. Unlike many happy singles I have almost no local friends. I truly am a loner. Yet I am far more at peace this way than trying to date. I get about 2 weeks into dating and bail.

Why is anyone so concerned with someone else's life? Unless you are in sin there is no reason for them to say anything about your state of singleness.

Are you a guy or a lady?
I am glad you have found peace, you are one of those people who clearly don't need or want much company. I am happy with my own company to an extent but not all the time. I find  it does me a lot of good to get out and met with people/friends whether I feel like it or not. Do you have a local church?.

I can relate to your situation in that I too have had many emotional scars, but in my case it didn't put me off wanting to marry again, and in my late 40's I met and married my second husband. He too was divorced and we 'clicked' immediately.
We are all different and I am much happier since I married him than I was as a single person. Mind you I wasn't going to marry just anyone, he had to be special. The dating process can be daunting and hard, but I also met some nice people in the process.

I am a guy. I do have a local church but pretty much keep to myself these days. Years ago I was super active teaching adult Bible studies, leading a college and career group, and even preached once. When I got divorced though (not at this church) I was treated like a second class citizen. I was damaged goods no matter what the cause. The opportunities to contribute dried up. While I love to teach and suffer no stage fright, I am NOT a group person. I suffer from some social anxiety so being in groups is not fun for me. I would never join a singles groups for example. I also don't like fellowship groups or Bible studies except for the actual study time and then only if it is meaty. If it's more about socializing then I'm gone.

For me though the history is long. I grew up with an alcoholic Mom and from the age of 3 to 17 I lived in a highly dysfunctional home. I was pretty scared and suffering from a type of post-traumatic stress syndrome. I hardly dated until I met my future wife at age 28. I then made a poor decision to get married to her. Partly I was not up for marriage but she became extremely dogmatic, legalistic, and cult-like and that led to endless problems and stress. I eventually ended up with stress/anxiety problems so bad they tested me for MS. I hung in there for 19 years until my health was failing.

So now I find being alone peaceful. No conflict, no one I have to talk to or do things with. It is so nice to come home to a quiet house. Sure I enjoy company at times but I still cannot handle stress especially interpersonal. Just the expectations of a relationship are too much. I don't want to have to go out regularly. I may have a weekend or two where I don't want to go out at all. That doesn't work in a serious relationship. Your partner expects to spend time with you and if you don't want to spend time with them they naturally feel unwanted.  For me little social contact goes a long ways. I sleep better alone and don't think I would enjoy having someone else around all the time. A few dates a month and maybe a vacation or two together is not enough to make a marriage work. Marriage is meant to be a close, intimate relationship where you truly share your life with someone. I can't be happy with that level of intimacy. It is simply too much. I need a lot of space and alone time. At 53 I don't expect that to change. I have been to numerous Christian counselors and pastors and nothing changes. I'm afraid the damage is done. I don't believe it is a matter of meeting the right person. I have met some great ladies I absolutely adored yet still did not want to spend a lot of time with them. Where I differ from most people I know like me is my lack of friends or social contact. I am truly alone the vast majority of the time. Yet I am never bored and rarely lonely. I still *feel* like I am supposed to be with someone and I am certainly still very attracted to women yet I know from experience I won't be happy. So for now I am not even going to try.

[Cally]

I said to my friend that sometimes it's just circumstances - that's the way things work out.   But I am wondering, how can we fight against this negative attitude in churches, that there is something 'wrong' with people over a certain age who are not married?

I don't know if I smell a negative attitude toward singles in churches, but there is definitely an over-spiritualization of marriage in churches. Marriage is an earthly position in which there are wonderful things to do, and many ways to glorify God as a husband or wife. But, it is an entirely fleshly state--it only lasts this lifetime, as there is no marriage in heaven.

1 Corinthians 7:29
What I mean, brothers and sisters, is that the time is short. From now on those who have wives should live as if they do not;

The point being that a spouse (husband or wife to be clear) is an Earthly "possession" of sorts that is fleeting just like any other. Churches should be emphasizing the spiritual family more (Mark 10:30), but instead tend to talk about marriage as if it's THE be-all-end-all of relationships.

Frankly I think that's the biggest problem with western marriages, ironically enough. It's like if I buy a toaster and expect it to cook toast, mow the lawn, and turn the lights on--that's bound to result in dissatisfaction. We need more talk about spiritual family to put marriage in proportion. If you don't have certain relationship needs that are distinctly fulfilled with marriage and marriage only, then spiritual family has everything else that you need.

I do believe the church family is important, but our own families must come first

Are you not arguing with Jesus?

Matthew 12:46
46 While Jesus was still talking to the crowd, his mother and brothers stood outside, wanting to speak to him. 47 Someone told him, "Your mother and brothers are standing outside, wanting to speak to you."

48 He replied to him, "Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?" 49 Pointing to his disciples, he said, "Here are my mother and my brothers. 50 For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother."

and
Matthew 10:35-36
For I have come to turn "'a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law--a man's enemies will be the members of his own household.'

No.  She is to submit to her husband as to the Lord.  Marriage is a shadow of the relationship of Jesus Christ and the Church.

This is true, but where did this come from?

[chosenone]

I do believe the church family is important, but our own families must come first

Are you not arguing with Jesus?

Matthew 12:46
46 While Jesus was still talking to the crowd, his mother and brothers stood outside, wanting to speak to him. 47 Someone told him, "Your mother and brothers are standing outside, wanting to speak to you."

48 He replied to him, "Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?" 49 Pointing to his disciples, he said, "Here are my mother and my brothers. 50 For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother."

and
Matthew 10:35-36
For I have come to turn "'a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law--a man's enemies will be the members of his own household.'

My first ministry, after God,  is to my husband and children. They come before those outside the family always.
God tells us in the Bible how we are to act as married people.  I have seen too many spouses and children being neglected because of what some call 'Gods work'.

Jesus was making a point that believing in him can mean that your family will reject you and of course that does happen.  We must be prepared to loose family members if that is the case. God first then family.

[chosenone]

I said to my friend that sometimes it's just circumstances - that's the way things work out.   But I am wondering, how can we fight against this negative attitude in churches, that there is something 'wrong' with people over a certain age who are not married?

I don't know if I smell a negative attitude toward singles in churches, but there is definitely an over-spiritualization of marriage in churches. Marriage is an earthly position in which there are wonderful things to do, and many ways to glorify God as a husband or wife. But, it is an entirely fleshly state--it only lasts this lifetime, as there is no marriage in heaven.

1 Corinthians 7:29
What I mean, brothers and sisters, is that the time is short. From now on those who have wives should live as if they do not;

The point being that a spouse (husband or wife to be clear) is an Earthly "possession" of sorts that is fleeting just like any other. Churches should be emphasizing the spiritual family more (Mark 10:30), but instead tend to talk about marriage as if it's THE be-all-end-all of relationships.

Frankly I think that's the biggest problem with western marriages, ironically enough. It's like if I buy a toaster and expect it to cook toast, mow the lawn, and turn the lights on--that's bound to result in dissatisfaction. We need more talk about spiritual family to put marriage in proportion. If you don't have certain relationship needs that are distinctly fulfilled with marriage and marriage only, then spiritual family has everything else that you need.

I do believe the church family is important, but our own families must come first

Are you not arguing with Jesus?

Matthew 12:46
46 While Jesus was still talking to the crowd, his mother and brothers stood outside, wanting to speak to him. 47 Someone told him, "Your mother and brothers are standing outside, wanting to speak to you."

48 He replied to him, "Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?" 49 Pointing to his disciples, he said, "Here are my mother and my brothers. 50 For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother."

and
Matthew 10:35-36
For I have come to turn "'a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law--a man's enemies will be the members of his own household.'

No.  She is to submit to her husband as to the Lord.  Marriage is a shadow of the relationship of Jesus Christ and the Church.

This is true, but where did this come from?

The Bible.

[chosenone]

It is not for someone else to judge if you should be married or not. Who is to say what God's timing is? They should mind their own business.

I am 53, divorced, and no desire to remarry. It is hard for some to understand as on paper I would seem like a great catch. The problem is I have had too many emotional scars in my life and now prefer living alone and not having to work at a relationship. It's nice to have social company now and then but not enough to make a relationship work. Unlike many happy singles I have almost no local friends. I truly am a loner. Yet I am far more at peace this way than trying to date. I get about 2 weeks into dating and bail.

Why is anyone so concerned with someone else's life? Unless you are in sin there is no reason for them to say anything about your state of singleness.

Are you a guy or a lady?
I am glad you have found peace, you are one of those people who clearly don't need or want much company. I am happy with my own company to an extent but not all the time. I find  it does me a lot of good to get out and met with people/friends whether I feel like it or not. Do you have a local church?.

I can relate to your situation in that I too have had many emotional scars, but in my case it didn't put me off wanting to marry again, and in my late 40's I met and married my second husband. He too was divorced and we 'clicked' immediately.
We are all different and I am much happier since I married him than I was as a single person. Mind you I wasn't going to marry just anyone, he had to be special. The dating process can be daunting and hard, but I also met some nice people in the process.

I am a guy. I do have a local church but pretty much keep to myself these days. Years ago I was super active teaching adult Bible studies, leading a college and career group, and even preached once. When I got divorced though (not at this church) I was treated like a second class citizen. I was damaged goods no matter what the cause. The opportunities to contribute dried up. While I love to teach and suffer no stage fright, I am NOT a group person. I suffer from some social anxiety so being in groups is not fun for me. I would never join a singles groups for example. I also don't like fellowship groups or Bible studies except for the actual study time and then only if it is meaty. If it's more about socializing then I'm gone.

For me though the history is long. I grew up with an alcoholic Mom and from the age of 3 to 17 I lived in a highly dysfunctional home. I was pretty scared and suffering from a type of post-traumatic stress syndrome. I hardly dated until I met my future wife at age 28. I then made a poor decision to get married to her. Partly I was not up for marriage but she became extremely dogmatic, legalistic, and cult-like and that led to endless problems and stress. I eventually ended up with stress/anxiety problems so bad they tested me for MS. I hung in there for 19 years until my health was failing.

So now I find being alone peaceful. No conflict, no one I have to talk to or do things with. It is so nice to come home to a quiet house. Sure I enjoy company at times but I still cannot handle stress especially interpersonal. Just the expectations of a relationship are too much. I don't want to have to go out regularly. I may have a weekend or two where I don't want to go out at all. That doesn't work in a serious relationship. Your partner expects to spend time with you and if you don't want to spend time with them they naturally feel unwanted.  For me little social contact goes a long ways. I sleep better alone and don't think I would enjoy having someone else around all the time. A few dates a month and maybe a vacation or two together is not enough to make a marriage work. Marriage is meant to be a close, intimate relationship where you truly share your life with someone. I can't be happy with that level of intimacy. It is simply too much. I need a lot of space and alone time. At 53 I don't expect that to change. I have been to numerous Christian counselors and pastors and nothing changes. I'm afraid the damage is done. I don't believe it is a matter of meeting the right person. I have met some great ladies I absolutely adored yet still did not want to spend a lot of time with them. Where I differ from most people I know like me is my lack of friends or social contact. I am truly alone the vast majority of the time. Yet I am never bored and rarely lonely. I still *feel* like I am supposed to be with someone and I am certainly still very attracted to women yet I know from experience I won't be happy. So for now I am not even going to try.

Do you think that God wants you to be so cut off from the church family and not using any of the gifts that God has given you? I suppose it can be easier and seem safer not to try, and not to have to relate to people, but should we always take the easy option in Gods family?
Do you have a job?

I have a step son a little bit like you. He too struggles with making close friends and having relationships. He is getting towards his late 20's now and has only had one short relationship. Trouble is it self perpetuating, because he has never left home, still lives with him mum, avoids church, wont do anything that may be a bit hard or challenging, seems to have no desire to be independent, and apart for work is more or less cut off from life. He has no Christian friends of anywhere near his own age, and only seems to mix with his mums middle aged divorced friends. Its so unhealthy for him.
I know from experience with my own children that it is only when we leave home, become independent, look after ourselves and make that effort to get out there and get to know people, that we grow and mature and learn how to relate and get on with others.

My husband and I are also both divorced after long first marriages, but I cant say I have ever experienced any problems because of that ever in church. I have also never been made to feel like a second class citizen, but maybe that's because I dont feel that way myself because I know I am not. Maybe you need to find a better church than that. 

[Cally]

I said to my friend that sometimes it's just circumstances - that's the way things work out.   But I am wondering, how can we fight against this negative attitude in churches, that there is something 'wrong' with people over a certain age who are not married?

I don't know if I smell a negative attitude toward singles in churches, but there is definitely an over-spiritualization of marriage in churches. Marriage is an earthly position in which there are wonderful things to do, and many ways to glorify God as a husband or wife. But, it is an entirely fleshly state--it only lasts this lifetime, as there is no marriage in heaven.

1 Corinthians 7:29
What I mean, brothers and sisters, is that the time is short. From now on those who have wives should live as if they do not;

The point being that a spouse (husband or wife to be clear) is an Earthly "possession" of sorts that is fleeting just like any other. Churches should be emphasizing the spiritual family more (Mark 10:30), but instead tend to talk about marriage as if it's THE be-all-end-all of relationships.

Frankly I think that's the biggest problem with western marriages, ironically enough. It's like if I buy a toaster and expect it to cook toast, mow the lawn, and turn the lights on--that's bound to result in dissatisfaction. We need more talk about spiritual family to put marriage in proportion. If you don't have certain relationship needs that are distinctly fulfilled with marriage and marriage only, then spiritual family has everything else that you need.

I do believe the church family is important, but our own families must come first

Are you not arguing with Jesus?

Matthew 12:46
46 While Jesus was still talking to the crowd, his mother and brothers stood outside, wanting to speak to him. 47 Someone told him, "Your mother and brothers are standing outside, wanting to speak to you."

48 He replied to him, "Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?" 49 Pointing to his disciples, he said, "Here are my mother and my brothers. 50 For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother."

and
Matthew 10:35-36
For I have come to turn "'a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law--a man's enemies will be the members of his own household.'

No.  She is to submit to her husband as to the Lord.  Marriage is a shadow of the relationship of Jesus Christ and the Church.

This is true, but where did this come from?

The Bible.

Are you serious? I said that what he said was true. But how is an argument against the OTHER SCRIPTURE that I quoted?

[chosenone]

I said to my friend that sometimes it's just circumstances - that's the way things work out.   But I am wondering, how can we fight against this negative attitude in churches, that there is something 'wrong' with people over a certain age who are not married?

I don't know if I smell a negative attitude toward singles in churches, but there is definitely an over-spiritualization of marriage in churches. Marriage is an earthly position in which there are wonderful things to do, and many ways to glorify God as a husband or wife. But, it is an entirely fleshly state--it only lasts this lifetime, as there is no marriage in heaven.

1 Corinthians 7:29
What I mean, brothers and sisters, is that the time is short. From now on those who have wives should live as if they do not;

The point being that a spouse (husband or wife to be clear) is an Earthly "possession" of sorts that is fleeting just like any other. Churches should be emphasizing the spiritual family more (Mark 10:30), but instead tend to talk about marriage as if it's THE be-all-end-all of relationships.

Frankly I think that's the biggest problem with western marriages, ironically enough. It's like if I buy a toaster and expect it to cook toast, mow the lawn, and turn the lights on--that's bound to result in dissatisfaction. We need more talk about spiritual family to put marriage in proportion. If you don't have certain relationship needs that are distinctly fulfilled with marriage and marriage only, then spiritual family has everything else that you need.

I do believe the church family is important, but our own families must come first

Are you not arguing with Jesus?

Matthew 12:46
46 While Jesus was still talking to the crowd, his mother and brothers stood outside, wanting to speak to him. 47 Someone told him, "Your mother and brothers are standing outside, wanting to speak to you."

48 He replied to him, "Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?" 49 Pointing to his disciples, he said, "Here are my mother and my brothers. 50 For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother."

and
Matthew 10:35-36
For I have come to turn "'a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law--a man's enemies will be the members of his own household.'

No.  She is to submit to her husband as to the Lord.  Marriage is a shadow of the relationship of Jesus Christ and the Church.

This is true, but where did this come from?

The Bible.

Are you serious? I said that what he said was true. But how is an argument against the OTHER SCRIPTURE that I quoted?

He said nothing about marriage there. The marriage relationship is unique in that it is a covenant relationship, unlike any other relationships we may have. The two people become one in a spiritual sense.
There are many instructions in the Bible about how we are to be as husband and wives, and also parents. There are also instructions about how we are to care for and provide for other family members.

Jesus was then speaking about God coming first, so that we may be treated badly and maybe even excluded from our families because of our faith.

[ohcalidatex]

It is not for someone else to judge if you should be married or not. Who is to say what God's timing is? They should mind their own business.

I am 53, divorced, and no desire to remarry. It is hard for some to understand as on paper I would seem like a great catch. The problem is I have had too many emotional scars in my life and now prefer living alone and not having to work at a relationship. It's nice to have social company now and then but not enough to make a relationship work. Unlike many happy singles I have almost no local friends. I truly am a loner. Yet I am far more at peace this way than trying to date. I get about 2 weeks into dating and bail.

Why is anyone so concerned with someone else's life? Unless you are in sin there is no reason for them to say anything about your state of singleness.

Are you a guy or a lady?
I am glad you have found peace, you are one of those people who clearly don't need or want much company. I am happy with my own company to an extent but not all the time. I find  it does me a lot of good to get out and met with people/friends whether I feel like it or not. Do you have a local church?.

I can relate to your situation in that I too have had many emotional scars, but in my case it didn't put me off wanting to marry again, and in my late 40's I met and married my second husband. He too was divorced and we 'clicked' immediately.
We are all different and I am much happier since I married him than I was as a single person. Mind you I wasn't going to marry just anyone, he had to be special. The dating process can be daunting and hard, but I also met some nice people in the process.

I am a guy. I do have a local church but pretty much keep to myself these days. Years ago I was super active teaching adult Bible studies, leading a college and career group, and even preached once. When I got divorced though (not at this church) I was treated like a second class citizen. I was damaged goods no matter what the cause. The opportunities to contribute dried up. While I love to teach and suffer no stage fright, I am NOT a group person. I suffer from some social anxiety so being in groups is not fun for me. I would never join a singles groups for example. I also don't like fellowship groups or Bible studies except for the actual study time and then only if it is meaty. If it's more about socializing then I'm gone.

For me though the history is long. I grew up with an alcoholic Mom and from the age of 3 to 17 I lived in a highly dysfunctional home. I was pretty scared and suffering from a type of post-traumatic stress syndrome. I hardly dated until I met my future wife at age 28. I then made a poor decision to get married to her. Partly I was not up for marriage but she became extremely dogmatic, legalistic, and cult-like and that led to endless problems and stress. I eventually ended up with stress/anxiety problems so bad they tested me for MS. I hung in there for 19 years until my health was failing.

So now I find being alone peaceful. No conflict, no one I have to talk to or do things with. It is so nice to come home to a quiet house. Sure I enjoy company at times but I still cannot handle stress especially interpersonal. Just the expectations of a relationship are too much. I don't want to have to go out regularly. I may have a weekend or two where I don't want to go out at all. That doesn't work in a serious relationship. Your partner expects to spend time with you and if you don't want to spend time with them they naturally feel unwanted.  For me little social contact goes a long ways. I sleep better alone and don't think I would enjoy having someone else around all the time. A few dates a month and maybe a vacation or two together is not enough to make a marriage work. Marriage is meant to be a close, intimate relationship where you truly share your life with someone. I can't be happy with that level of intimacy. It is simply too much. I need a lot of space and alone time. At 53 I don't expect that to change. I have been to numerous Christian counselors and pastors and nothing changes. I'm afraid the damage is done. I don't believe it is a matter of meeting the right person. I have met some great ladies I absolutely adored yet still did not want to spend a lot of time with them. Where I differ from most people I know like me is my lack of friends or social contact. I am truly alone the vast majority of the time. Yet I am never bored and rarely lonely. I still *feel* like I am supposed to be with someone and I am certainly still very attracted to women yet I know from experience I won't be happy. So for now I am not even going to try.

Do you think that God wants you to be so cut off from the church family and not using any of the gifts that God has given you? I suppose it can be easier and seem safer not to try, and not to have to relate to people, but should we always take the easy option in Gods family?
Do you have a job?

I have a step son a little bit like you. He too struggles with making close friends and having relationships. He is getting towards his late 20's now and has only had one short relationship. Trouble is it self perpetuating, because he has never left home, still lives with him mum, avoids church, wont do anything that may be a bit hard or challenging, seems to have no desire to be independent, and apart for work is more or less cut off from life. He has no Christian friends of anywhere near his own age, and only seems to mix with his mums middle aged divorced friends. Its so unhealthy for him.
I know from experience with my own children that it is only when we leave home, become independent, look after ourselves and make that effort to get out there and get to know people, that we grow and mature and learn how to relate and get on with others.

My husband and I are also both divorced after long first marriages, but I cant say I have ever experienced any problems because of that ever in church. I have also never been made to feel like a second class citizen, but maybe that's because I dont feel that way myself because I know I am not. Maybe you need to find a better church than that. 

Yes I have a job. Same one for 31.5 years. Trust me I have tried and at times been very active at church. In the end though I just crave time alone. Being around people drains me. I recharge by being alone.  I did not get enough alone time when married. How can you? You share the same living space. I needed whole days or weekends not just a few hours out. A few hours a week with someone would be sufficient for me. That is not a marriage. I care for people and am always one to help those in need. I just can't enjoy a lot of people time.

[chosenone]

It is not for someone else to judge if you should be married or not. Who is to say what God's timing is? They should mind their own business.

I am 53, divorced, and no desire to remarry. It is hard for some to understand as on paper I would seem like a great catch. The problem is I have had too many emotional scars in my life and now prefer living alone and not having to work at a relationship. It's nice to have social company now and then but not enough to make a relationship work. Unlike many happy singles I have almost no local friends. I truly am a loner. Yet I am far more at peace this way than trying to date. I get about 2 weeks into dating and bail.

Why is anyone so concerned with someone else's life? Unless you are in sin there is no reason for them to say anything about your state of singleness.

Are you a guy or a lady?
I am glad you have found peace, you are one of those people who clearly don't need or want much company. I am happy with my own company to an extent but not all the time. I find  it does me a lot of good to get out and met with people/friends whether I feel like it or not. Do you have a local church?.

I can relate to your situation in that I too have had many emotional scars, but in my case it didn't put me off wanting to marry again, and in my late 40's I met and married my second husband. He too was divorced and we 'clicked' immediately.
We are all different and I am much happier since I married him than I was as a single person. Mind you I wasn't going to marry just anyone, he had to be special. The dating process can be daunting and hard, but I also met some nice people in the process.

I am a guy. I do have a local church but pretty much keep to myself these days. Years ago I was super active teaching adult Bible studies, leading a college and career group, and even preached once. When I got divorced though (not at this church) I was treated like a second class citizen. I was damaged goods no matter what the cause. The opportunities to contribute dried up. While I love to teach and suffer no stage fright, I am NOT a group person. I suffer from some social anxiety so being in groups is not fun for me. I would never join a singles groups for example. I also don't like fellowship groups or Bible studies except for the actual study time and then only if it is meaty. If it's more about socializing then I'm gone.

For me though the history is long. I grew up with an alcoholic Mom and from the age of 3 to 17 I lived in a highly dysfunctional home. I was pretty scared and suffering from a type of post-traumatic stress syndrome. I hardly dated until I met my future wife at age 28. I then made a poor decision to get married to her. Partly I was not up for marriage but she became extremely dogmatic, legalistic, and cult-like and that led to endless problems and stress. I eventually ended up with stress/anxiety problems so bad they tested me for MS. I hung in there for 19 years until my health was failing.

So now I find being alone peaceful. No conflict, no one I have to talk to or do things with. It is so nice to come home to a quiet house. Sure I enjoy company at times but I still cannot handle stress especially interpersonal. Just the expectations of a relationship are too much. I don't want to have to go out regularly. I may have a weekend or two where I don't want to go out at all. That doesn't work in a serious relationship. Your partner expects to spend time with you and if you don't want to spend time with them they naturally feel unwanted.  For me little social contact goes a long ways. I sleep better alone and don't think I would enjoy having someone else around all the time. A few dates a month and maybe a vacation or two together is not enough to make a marriage work. Marriage is meant to be a close, intimate relationship where you truly share your life with someone. I can't be happy with that level of intimacy. It is simply too much. I need a lot of space and alone time. At 53 I don't expect that to change. I have been to numerous Christian counselors and pastors and nothing changes. I'm afraid the damage is done. I don't believe it is a matter of meeting the right person. I have met some great ladies I absolutely adored yet still did not want to spend a lot of time with them. Where I differ from most people I know like me is my lack of friends or social contact. I am truly alone the vast majority of the time. Yet I am never bored and rarely lonely. I still *feel* like I am supposed to be with someone and I am certainly still very attracted to women yet I know from experience I won't be happy. So for now I am not even going to try.

Do you think that God wants you to be so cut off from the church family and not using any of the gifts that God has given you? I suppose it can be easier and seem safer not to try, and not to have to relate to people, but should we always take the easy option in Gods family?
Do you have a job?

I have a step son a little bit like you. He too struggles with making close friends and having relationships. He is getting towards his late 20's now and has only had one short relationship. Trouble is it self perpetuating, because he has never left home, still lives with him mum, avoids church, wont do anything that may be a bit hard or challenging, seems to have no desire to be independent, and apart for work is more or less cut off from life. He has no Christian friends of anywhere near his own age, and only seems to mix with his mums middle aged divorced friends. Its so unhealthy for him.
I know from experience with my own children that it is only when we leave home, become independent, look after ourselves and make that effort to get out there and get to know people, that we grow and mature and learn how to relate and get on with others.

My husband and I are also both divorced after long first marriages, but I cant say I have ever experienced any problems because of that ever in church. I have also never been made to feel like a second class citizen, but maybe that's because I dont feel that way myself because I know I am not. Maybe you need to find a better church than that. 

Yes I have a job. Same one for 31.5 years. Trust me I have tried and at times been very active at church. In the end though I just crave time alone. Being around people drains me. I recharge by being alone.  I did not get enough alone time when married. How can you? You share the same living space. I needed whole days or weekends not just a few hours out. A few hours a week with someone would be sufficient for me. That is not a marriage. I care for people and am always one to help those in need. I just can't enjoy a lot of people time.

I too need quiet time away from people to recharge(apart from my husband, because I am 100% relaxed with him), that is what an introvert is like, but seeing people for shortish periods is usually fine, and how can we do what God leads us to do and be a light if we are isolated? Doesnt being isolated make the situation even worse?
Have you ever thought that you may be slightly autistic? I believe that my step son is slightly autistic but neither of his parents seemed to have noticed this or ever got him checked as he was growing up. He does seem to have many of the symptoms.

[Cally]

He said nothing about marriage there. The marriage relationship is unique in that it is a covenant relationship, unlike any other relationships we may have. The two people become one in a spiritual sense.
There are many instructions in the Bible about how we are to be as husband and wives, and also parents. There are also instructions about how we are to care for and provide for other family members.

Jesus was then speaking about God coming first, so that we may be treated badly and maybe even excluded from our families because of our faith.

The two people become one flesh. (Mark 10:8) I see nothing about marriage being a spiritual joining.

What are your comments/beliefs on these scriptures, if you believe that fleshly family comes before the family of God?

Mark 10:29-30
"Truly I tell you," Jesus replied, "no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel
will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age: homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields--along with persecutions--and in the age to come eternal life.

Matthew 12:46
46 While Jesus was still talking to the crowd, his mother and brothers stood outside, wanting to speak to him. 47 Someone told him, "Your mother and brothers are standing outside, wanting to speak to you."

48 He replied to him, "Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?" 49 Pointing to his disciples, he said, "Here are my mother and my brothers. 50 For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother."


And let's not argue about nothing. Of course I know what actually IS written regarding marriages.

My original point was just that I feel that expectations of marriage are too high. People need a variety of relationships found within the family of God but not necessarily a marriage (and again, bonds of marriage are not eternal while the family of God is), so I believe that some attitudes toward marriage place too high of an expectation of one relationship to fulfill all needs. I believe that a healthy attitude toward marriage includes the understanding that it does must not be treated like a replacement for other sorts of relationships is all.

[chosenone]

He said nothing about marriage there. The marriage relationship is unique in that it is a covenant relationship, unlike any other relationships we may have. The two people become one in a spiritual sense.
There are many instructions in the Bible about how we are to be as husband and wives, and also parents. There are also instructions about how we are to care for and provide for other family members.

Jesus was then speaking about God coming first, so that we may be treated badly and maybe even excluded from our families because of our faith.

The two people become one flesh. (Mark 10:8) I see nothing about marriage being a spiritual joining.

What are your comments/beliefs on these scriptures, if you believe that fleshly family comes before the family of God?

Mark 10:29-30
"Truly I tell you," Jesus replied, "no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel
will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age: homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields--along with persecutions--and in the age to come eternal life.

Matthew 12:46
46 While Jesus was still talking to the crowd, his mother and brothers stood outside, wanting to speak to him. 47 Someone told him, "Your mother and brothers are standing outside, wanting to speak to you."

48 He replied to him, "Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?" 49 Pointing to his disciples, he said, "Here are my mother and my brothers. 50 For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother."


And let's not argue about nothing. Of course I know what actually IS written regarding marriages.

Marriage is a covenant that God ordained, so how can it not be spiritual? Sex is far more than the physical joining.

The church family is important, but our first ministry and responsibility after God is to our spouses and children. 

[Cally]

He said nothing about marriage there. The marriage relationship is unique in that it is a covenant relationship, unlike any other relationships we may have. The two people become one in a spiritual sense.
There are many instructions in the Bible about how we are to be as husband and wives, and also parents. There are also instructions about how we are to care for and provide for other family members.

Jesus was then speaking about God coming first, so that we may be treated badly and maybe even excluded from our families because of our faith.

The two people become one flesh. (Mark 10:8) I see nothing about marriage being a spiritual joining.

What are your comments/beliefs on these scriptures, if you believe that fleshly family comes before the family of God?

Mark 10:29-30
"Truly I tell you," Jesus replied, "no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel
will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age: homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields--along with persecutions--and in the age to come eternal life.

Matthew 12:46
46 While Jesus was still talking to the crowd, his mother and brothers stood outside, wanting to speak to him. 47 Someone told him, "Your mother and brothers are standing outside, wanting to speak to you."

48 He replied to him, "Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?" 49 Pointing to his disciples, he said, "Here are my mother and my brothers. 50 For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother."


And let's not argue about nothing. Of course I know what actually IS written regarding marriages.

Marriage is a covenant that God ordained, so how can it not be spiritual? Sex is far more than the physical joining.

The church family is important, but our first ministry and responsibility after God is to our spouses and children. 

No comment on the scriptures I quoted?

[ohcalidatex]

Ok the quoting is getting too confusing! Responding to chosenone, I do no believe I am autistic nor has any professional ever suggested it. I have been told by professionals that I suffer from PTSD and Social Anxiety as well as Sexual Anxiety. My 93 yr old Mom prefers to be alone and my late sister was single all but 4 years of her life to the age of 60. However my other two siblings have both been happily married for a long time.

I look for ways to minister to people through emails, prayers, blogs, helping hands, etc. I may not get as much people contact as ideally I should but forcing it does not work. I tried going to a Friday night Bible study when I as married and would literally get physically ill some Fridays not wanting to go. My stomach would be in knots. I wish I were different but have accepted who I am. I will probably never know what a good marriage is like or what it is like to be super close to another person. However, I have the Lord and that is all I truly need.

[DaveW]

The two people become one flesh. (Mark 10:8) I see nothing about marriage being a spiritual joining.

That is because you are looking in the wrong place.  Try Genesis 2:24.  In Hebrew, the word for "flesh" includes what we call spirit and soul. It means the entire person.

[chosenone]

He said nothing about marriage there. The marriage relationship is unique in that it is a covenant relationship, unlike any other relationships we may have. The two people become one in a spiritual sense.
There are many instructions in the Bible about how we are to be as husband and wives, and also parents. There are also instructions about how we are to care for and provide for other family members.

Jesus was then speaking about God coming first, so that we may be treated badly and maybe even excluded from our families because of our faith.

The two people become one flesh. (Mark 10:8) I see nothing about marriage being a spiritual joining.

What are your comments/beliefs on these scriptures, if you believe that fleshly family comes before the family of God?

Mark 10:29-30
"Truly I tell you," Jesus replied, "no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel
will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age: homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields--along with persecutions--and in the age to come eternal life.

Matthew 12:46
46 While Jesus was still talking to the crowd, his mother and brothers stood outside, wanting to speak to him. 47 Someone told him, "Your mother and brothers are standing outside, wanting to speak to you."

48 He replied to him, "Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?" 49 Pointing to his disciples, he said, "Here are my mother and my brothers. 50 For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother."


And let's not argue about nothing. Of course I know what actually IS written regarding marriages.

Marriage is a covenant that God ordained, so how can it not be spiritual? Sex is far more than the physical joining.

The church family is important, but our first ministry and responsibility after God is to our spouses and children. 

No comment on the scriptures I quoted?

I have already commented on them a few posts back.

[chosenone]

Ok the quoting is getting too confusing! Responding to chosenone, I do no believe I am autistic nor has any professional ever suggested it. I have been told by professionals that I suffer from PTSD and Social Anxiety as well as Sexual Anxiety. My 93 yr old Mom prefers to be alone and my late sister was single all but 4 years of her life to the age of 60. However my other two siblings have both been happily married for a long time.

I look for ways to minister to people through emails, prayers, blogs, helping hands, etc. I may not get as much people contact as ideally I should but forcing it does not work. I tried going to a Friday night Bible study when I as married and would literally get physically ill some Fridays not wanting to go. My stomach would be in knots. I wish I were different but have accepted who I am. I will probably never know what a good marriage is like or what it is like to be super close to another person. However, I have the Lord and that is all I truly need.

Now thats interesting that you mentioned PTSD.
I have heard so many people lately saying they are suffering from PTSD. Some who have not been through much at all. Do you think its the new buzz word? You never heard it at all a few years back and now I am hearing it everywhere. I wonder how professionals discern when someone who has had a bad loss, or a trauma their lives has PTSD, or merely have the normal grieving and suffering associated with the things they have been through? How can anyone tell the difference?
It was use originally for those who had been in a war situation or who had been through a very traumatic life even such as a bomb explosion, and had been badly injured.  In the paper yesterday I read about a lady claiming she couldn't work due to PTSD after her mums death  2 years ago. Now most people loose their mums at some point unless they die first, but to claim she had PSTD 2 years later so she couldn't work, seemed mad to me.
What do you think?

[ohcalidatex]

I have struggled with how my introversion affects my ability to minister but then I realize how many people I have helped, all the teaching I have done, and how there are many ways to minister to others including through email, Facebook, phone calls, and prayer. I hope to do a lot of writing in the future.

[chosenone]

I have struggled with how my introversion affects my ability to minister but then I realize how many people I have helped, all the teaching I have done, and how there are many ways to minister to others including through email, Facebook, phone calls, and prayer. I hope to do a lot of writing in the future.

Yes you are right. God has called me to be a mod here for the time being. While I also get out and about and meet family and friends and others, I have seen how much we can do in other ways, in one case God used me to literally save a young ladies life.

[ohcalidatex]

Ok the quoting is getting too confusing! Responding to chosenone, I do no believe I am autistic nor has any professional ever suggested it. I have been told by professionals that I suffer from PTSD and Social Anxiety as well as Sexual Anxiety. My 93 yr old Mom prefers to be alone and my late sister was single all but 4 years of her life to the age of 60. However my other two siblings have both been happily married for a long time.

I look for ways to minister to people through emails, prayers, blogs, helping hands, etc. I may not get as much people contact as ideally I should but forcing it does not work. I tried going to a Friday night Bible study when I as married and would literally get physically ill some Fridays not wanting to go. My stomach would be in knots. I wish I were different but have accepted who I am. I will probably never know what a good marriage is like or what it is like to be super close to another person. However, I have the Lord and that is all I truly need.

Now thats interesting that you mentioned PTSD.
I have heard so many people lately saying they are suffering from PTSD. Some who have not been through much at all. Do you think its the new buzz word? You never heard it at all a few years back and now I am hearing it everywhere. I wonder how professionals discern when someone who has had a bad loss, or a trauma their lives has PTSD, or merely have the normal grieving and suffering associated with the things they have been through? How can anyone tell the difference?
It was use originally for those who had been in a war situation or who had been through a very traumatic life even such as a bomb explosion, and had been badly injured.  In the paper yesterday I read about a lady claiming she couldn't work due to PTSD after her mums death  2 years ago. Now most people loose their mums at some point unless they die first, but to claim she had PSTD 2 years later so she couldn't work, seemed mad to me.
What do you think?

Good point. I've read different definitions of PTSD. Maybe that is not the best term to use. Whatever you want to call it I spent 14 years from the age of 3 to 17 living in a highly stressful and dysfunctional home due to an alcoholic mother. Later I was in a 19 year marriage to a psychotic, emotionally abusive woman. Those events have deeply affected me and are not easy to shake off. By the time I left for college I was pretty messed up from my childhood. I could not handle stress. It was like my body had overdosed on stress for those 14 years and now could not handle it. Dating was stressful so I just did not date much. From the age of 22 to 27 I did not date or have any meaningful contact with young women.

When married things eventually got so bad I would literally get the dry heaves pulling into the driveway at night after work. The anticipation of walking through the door and being in the presence of my wife was too much. Eventually I began to develop strange neurological symptoms to the extent that they thought I might have MS. After six months of tests and study they determined I was simply reacting to the extreme stress in my life. I have been on medication ever since although less now. This is no doubt why I prefer to live alone. In the past "home" was associated with stress. Now I walk into a peaceful home at the end of the day. I may be alone but it's peaceful. The thought of sharing that space with another person is immediately stressful. I know not all people are like my Mom or ex-wife but at the same time I am not super sensitive to stress and even a good relationship has it's ups and downs the I find them stressful. The stress can quickly build and be almost debilitating. So it's not worth it. I am used to being alone and entertaining myself. Being an introvert is key to that working. Sure in theory a great relationship would be even better but at this point in my life I just want peace. I don't want to go through a lot of stress trying to change just because in the long-run I might be even happier. If my life is peaceful that is happy enough for me. Not having known much emotional of physical intimacy in some ways is good as I truly don't know what I am missing. Hard to want something you know nothing about. I know it's hard for outsiders to understand. I have met a lot of wonderful women who wanted badly to have a long-term relationship with me and I had to disappoint them. I know though it would not have worked.

We live in a fallen world and sometimes things happen that affect us for the rest of our lives. I will always strive to serve the Lord and glorify Him with my life. I don't know if that will ever include marriage.

[chosenone]

Ok the quoting is getting too confusing! Responding to chosenone, I do no believe I am autistic nor has any professional ever suggested it. I have been told by professionals that I suffer from PTSD and Social Anxiety as well as Sexual Anxiety. My 93 yr old Mom prefers to be alone and my late sister was single all but 4 years of her life to the age of 60. However my other two siblings have both been happily married for a long time.

I look for ways to minister to people through emails, prayers, blogs, helping hands, etc. I may not get as much people contact as ideally I should but forcing it does not work. I tried going to a Friday night Bible study when I as married and would literally get physically ill some Fridays not wanting to go. My stomach would be in knots. I wish I were different but have accepted who I am. I will probably never know what a good marriage is like or what it is like to be super close to another person. However, I have the Lord and that is all I truly need.

Now thats interesting that you mentioned PTSD.
I have heard so many people lately saying they are suffering from PTSD. Some who have not been through much at all. Do you think its the new buzz word? You never heard it at all a few years back and now I am hearing it everywhere. I wonder how professionals discern when someone who has had a bad loss, or a trauma their lives has PTSD, or merely have the normal grieving and suffering associated with the things they have been through? How can anyone tell the difference?
It was use originally for those who had been in a war situation or who had been through a very traumatic life even such as a bomb explosion, and had been badly injured.  In the paper yesterday I read about a lady claiming she couldn't work due to PTSD after her mums death  2 years ago. Now most people loose their mums at some point unless they die first, but to claim she had PSTD 2 years later so she couldn't work, seemed mad to me.
What do you think?

Good point. I've read different definitions of PTSD. Maybe that is not the best term to use. Whatever you want to call it I spent 14 years from the age of 3 to 17 living in a highly stressful and dysfunctional home due to an alcoholic mother. Later I was in a 19 year marriage to a psychotic, emotionally abusive woman. Those events have deeply affected me and are not easy to shake off. By the time I left for college I was pretty messed up from my childhood. I could not handle stress. It was like my body had overdosed on stress for those 14 years and now could not handle it. Dating was stressful so I just did not date much. From the age of 22 to 27 I did not date or have any meaningful contact with young women.

When married things eventually got so bad I would literally get the dry heaves pulling into the driveway at night after work. The anticipation of walking through the door and being in the presence of my wife was too much. Eventually I began to develop strange neurological symptoms to the extent that they thought I might have MS. After six months of tests and study they determined I was simply reacting to the extreme stress in my life. I have been on medication ever since although less now. This is no doubt why I prefer to live alone. In the past "home" was associated with stress. Now I walk into a peaceful home at the end of the day. I may be alone but it's peaceful. The thought of sharing that space with another person is immediately stressful. I know not all people are like my Mom or ex-wife but at the same time I am not super sensitive to stress and even a good relationship has it's ups and downs the I find them stressful. The stress can quickly build and be almost debilitating. So it's not worth it. I am used to being alone and entertaining myself. Being an introvert is key to that working. Sure in theory a great relationship would be even better but at this point in my life I just want peace. I don't want to go through a lot of stress trying to change just because in the long-run I might be even happier. If my life is peaceful that is happy enough for me. Not having known much emotional of physical intimacy in some ways is good as I truly don't know what I am missing. Hard to want something you know nothing about. I know it's hard for outsiders to understand. I have met a lot of wonderful women who wanted badly to have a long-term relationship with me and I had to disappoint them. I know though it would not have worked.

We live in a fallen world and sometimes things happen that affect us for the rest of our lives. I will always strive to serve the Lord and glorify Him with my life. I don't know if that will ever include marriage.

  I am very blessed, because I have the most laid back, patient, easy going, easy to live with, easy to please husband ever. I am always completely relaxed with him and he never ever gets cross, angry, or looses his temper. My father and first husband were quite hard to live with, always having to walk on egg shells, so its such a relief and a blessing to me to have someone who is so different.

Its interesting that we so often chose partners who are so like our own parents, even if they were awful(as in your case). My husbands first wife was very like his mother, manipulative and controlling.

[ohcalidatex]

I think the key is people should not judge. They don't know your background. If someone is single and not actively seeking marriage that does not mean they are selfish or have something wrong with them. Don't try to change them. I've read some good articles and books on introversion and non-introverts typically don't understand introverts. They think, for example, you just need to get out more when in fact "getting out" might stress an introvert even more and be a negative thing. Introverts tend to prefer one-on-one in quiet places and not groups. Inviting them out to your group hangout is probably not something they are going to enjoy.

I also hate when people tell me I "deserve to meet someone who will really love me." I have. His name is Jesus Christ. That relationship is purely by grace. I only deserve hell. Anything else is the pure grace of God. He is all we truly need. So no I don't "deserve" to meet someone and live happily ever after. If that's God's will then great but I don't see it as something I deserve. I also hate the no-win argument that "you just haven't met the right person yet." I can never disprove that as I'll never meet all the eligible women in the world! Even if I did and found no one they would simply say I no doubt had met the "right person" but was blind to her or rejected her without giving her a chance. For some people meeting the "right person" is the key but for others there may not be a "right person." They just aren't cutout for marriage.

I know it's sad but when I think about having someone in my life (assuming I could overcome past events) I still don't see much of an advantage over living alone. That is a strong testimony to how my past has affected me. Outside of one brief college girl friend 30+ years ago I have not had a positive relationship with a woman so being paired up with someone and being happy together is a foreign concept to me. I see happy couples in restaurants and other places and marvel how they can enjoy each other's company so much and so often. It reminds me of the verse in Hebrews 2 where it speaks of how the angels "long to look into" the salvation of man. They marvel at God's grace to sinners. It is foreign to them as the fallen angels were not offered salvation. In a way I look with longing yet an inability to relate to happy couples. It is my loss I know but I am so far from that. God is able and if it's His will I might change someday but I'm not holding my breath nor putting my life on hold.

[DaveW]

ohcalidatex - I am an introvert.  I get introverts.

But you are actually beyond that.  I would suggest you get some biblical counseling and healing from some very severe wounds you are carrying around.

While we are not all commanded to be married, we all are all commanded to be intimately involved with the people in our congregations. (see 1 Cor 12)  Your wounding I suspect makes that either very difficult or impossible.

[ohcalidatex]

Thanks Dave. I have gone through hundreds and hundreds of hours of Biblical counseling. Nothing has changed for me. I have tried believe me. I have prayed. That is the hardest part to deal with. When nothing changes you feel like such a failure.

[chosenone]

ohcalidatex - I am an introvert.  I get introverts.

But you are actually beyond that.  I would suggest you get some biblical counseling and healing from some very severe wounds you are carrying around.

While we are not all commanded to be married, we all are all commanded to be intimately involved with the people in our congregations. (see 1 Cor 12)  Your wounding I suspect makes that either very difficult or impossible.

  I agree with this because I to tend towards being an introvert myself. Counselling alone isn't enough, it has to be the Holy Spirit who heals deep down.  He is the only one who can truly heal the deep wounds that we have. 

[chosenone]

I think the key is people should not judge. They don't know your background. If someone is single and not actively seeking marriage that does not mean they are selfish or have something wrong with them. Don't try to change them. I've read some good articles and books on introversion and non-introverts typically don't understand introverts. They think, for example, you just need to get out more when in fact "getting out" might stress an introvert even more and be a negative thing. Introverts tend to prefer one-on-one in quiet places and not groups. Inviting them out to your group hangout is probably not something they are going to enjoy.

I also hate when people tell me I "deserve to meet someone who will really love me." I have. His name is Jesus Christ. That relationship is purely by grace. I only deserve hell. Anything else is the pure grace of God. He is all we truly need. So no I don't "deserve" to meet someone and live happily ever after. If that's God's will then great but I don't see it as something I deserve. I also hate the no-win argument that "you just haven't met the right person yet." I can never disprove that as I'll never meet all the eligible women in the world! Even if I did and found no one they would simply say I no doubt had met the "right person" but was blind to her or rejected her without giving her a chance. For some people meeting the "right person" is the key but for others there may not be a "right person." They just aren't cutout for marriage.

I know it's sad but when I think about having someone in my life (assuming I could overcome past events) I still don't see much of an advantage over living alone. That is a strong testimony to how my past has affected me. Outside of one brief college girl friend 30+ years ago I have not had a positive relationship with a woman so being paired up with someone and being happy together is a foreign concept to me. I see happy couples in restaurants and other places and marvel how they can enjoy each other's company so much and so often. It reminds me of the verse in Hebrews 2 where it speaks of how the angels "long to look into" the salvation of man. They marvel at God's grace to sinners. It is foreign to them as the fallen angels were not offered salvation. In a way I look with longing yet an inability to relate to happy couples. It is my loss I know but I am so far from that. God is able and if it's His will I might change someday but I'm not holding my breath nor putting my life on hold.

Well it certainly doesn't bother me if a person isn't interested in getting married. If you are happy alone then stay that way.

[ohcalidatex]

ohcalidatex - I am an introvert.  I get introverts.

But you are actually beyond that.  I would suggest you get some biblical counseling and healing from some very severe wounds you are carrying around.

While we are not all commanded to be married, we all are all commanded to be intimately involved with the people in our congregations. (see 1 Cor 12)  Your wounding I suspect makes that either very difficult or impossible.

Just thinking out loud here but while we are commanded to be involved certainly there is room within that command for different types of people and interaction. You don't have to be a social butterfly or spend hours and hours a week around other people to minister to them. Sometimes it's proving a meal, lending a hand on moving day, praying, providing a ride, etc. Those who are more outgoing will tend to do more of the face-to-face ministering while us introverts will be more behind the scenes. While not doing so currently, in the past I have taught children's classes, college and career, adult Bible studies, and even guest preached.  I was asked to be an elder but declined. I'm just not that social. When the Bible study is over I am not one to hang out for another hour talking to people. I may linger a bit then hit the road. I have no problem teaching or speaking in front of any size group. No stage fright. I'm just not one for socializing afterwards. So while that might limit my ability to minister in some areas I do minister in others. There may be some really outgoing people who are great at ministering in person talking to people but who could never get up in front of a group and teach. My introversion has afforded me the time to gain the equivalent of an MDiv and be able to teach in great depth. We are not all hands or feet...

  I agree with this because I to tend towards being an introvert myself. Counselling alone isn't enough, it has to be the Holy Spirit who heals deep down.  He is the only one who can truly heal the deep wounds that we have.

[DaveW]

Thanks Dave. I have gone through hundreds and hundreds of hours of Biblical counseling. Nothing has changed for me. I have tried believe me. I have prayed. That is the hardest part to deal with. When nothing changes you feel like such a failure.

What type(s) of biblical counseling have you participated in?

Nouthetic? It is good but limited because it is based on a cessationist platform.  But it is a very good foundation for the following styles.

Theophostic?  It is good but has a certain limited scope.

Elijah House?  Good result that relies on supernatural revelation to both counselor and counselee.

And there is another style that concentrates on certain schemes of the devil. I do not recall the name.

I know of one counseling place that combines several of these methods and that is at Christian City Church in Annapolis MD.

If you have only been thru cessationist counseling rather than a style that relies on the Holy Spirit revelation, and it is a truly spiritual problem; it is not surprising you have had little progress.