Newly Married and Nearly Separated

[blackrose7816]

Hi everyone. I am new here and really need help. My husband and I have not been married even 2 years and I already feel like we are falling apart. I am 28, he is 27 and this is our first marriage. Prior to dating/marring him I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 7 years. Being a God fearing christian, I take marriage very seriously, as I know how much God hates divorce. I left my previous relationship because i knew that wasnt what i wanted till death did us part. When I met my husband, he was an amazing christian and everything I thought I wanted in a future husband. He lost his job right before we got married but was blessed with another that had great insurance, great pay, great hours. After approx 6 months, he started having problems at his job. He got written up for being on his phone and I begged him to not be on it while he was at work. He continued to go on and browse the internet, play games, ect and got caught and was fired. He has a serious phone addiction! He is constantly on it, even when he's out, playing games or on facebook.

That was 3 months ago and not only is he still unemployeed, he isnt looking for work!! He sits home all day playing games and God knows what else, while I work my butt off at a job I HATE, just to barely scrape by. Not only do I not make enough at my job to support us both, I dont see why I should have to kill myself! I have cried to him about this over and over and he is genuinely sorry and loves me, but he loves his games/being lazy more. He promises to change but never does. When he does put effort in, it's completely minimal, applying for 2 or 3 places online and never following up.

He has been babied his entire life and does not come from a family of hard workers. I feel bad that this is all he knows, but at the same time, I am drowning. I have dreams that will never come to pass if he continues like this. I would love to have kids in the near future but could never afford to. I feel completely trapped. I dont have the money to go out and escape my problems for a few hours, I dont have money to go to school or the gym to improve myself. There isnt a single area in my life that I enjoy or find joy in. I am sacrificing EVERYTHING for this man who is just "free loading" through life.

While we were dating I did notice he spent alot of time on his video games...but I never knew it would turn into this. The Godly man who I fell in love with isnt the same person anymore. He never reads the word. The passion he had for his relationship with God isn't what it used to be. He's given into this spirit of laziness and it is just as bad as any addiction to drugs/drink.

My mom offered to pay to see a counselor in our church, but she had a family emergency and will be away till next month. I dont know if I can make it till then. I am desperate for help. I feel so alone.

[chosenone]

I think you need to get the pastor or one of the elders to come and challenge him on his behaviour and to check on him regularly to make sure he is looking for work. Trouble is that he may not get a good reference and that's concerning. What he was doing in his job was stealing plain and simple.
He is failing as a husband and as a Christian because God says a lot about laziness. He is acting like a teenager playing computer games all day. He needs someone to put a rocket up his back side to be honest. Don't even think of children until you have seen major changes in his attitudes and sense of responsibility. I also think that you need to make it clear that you are not prepared to allow him to live off you any longer and that he needs to look for work NOW.

[TJW]

He has been babied his entire life and does not come from a family of hard workers.

Dr. Phil aptly says that the most reliable predictor of a person's future behavior is his relevant past behavior.

A quote from me, not Dr. Phil....  Most people do not change.  Ever.

God fearing Christian, I take marriage very seriously, as I know how much God hates divorce.
I am sacrificing EVERYTHING for this man who is just "free loading" through life.

My sister, I had a marriage just like this.  A wife who was a "freeloader".  She was so bad that she wound up essentially bedridden for the last 13 years of her life.  For 4 years, I paid a FULL-TIME employee to take care of her and the house. 

I did this for 18 years while EVERYTHING, my dreams, ambitions, desires for self-actualization, plans, went down the tubes.  I took marriage seriously, believing that God hates divorce, like you. 

I had empathy that she was a victim of childhood sexual abuse.  This, of course, was blamed for everything.  Not working, not cleaning her house, not going to school, not looking for a job, going to doctors and taking more and more and more narcotic drugs.  Even when the abuse had been over for 50 years.

He is failing as a husband and as a Christian because God says a lot about laziness.

I can tell you, from my past experience, that it WILL NOT CHANGE.  As long as your husband CAN sit on his lazy butt and do nothing to honor his responsibilities, that's what he'll do.

My advice is to go see a lawyer, and do whatever is required to financially separate yourself from him.  If that is a divorce, then so be it.   Cut off supporting him, entirely, and FOREVER.

Marriages are made by God, and divorces are made by man.   The only thing two people who are divorced need to do in order to make the divorce over is to just go get married again.

If your husband does change, becomes industrious, hard-working, willing to assume his responsibilities, at some point in the future, you can then consider reconciliation.  However, UNTIL it does, you can go on with your life unimpeded by him.

Tell him that you ONLY want RESULTS.  That you don't care how he does it.  You don't care that he gets counseling, talks to a pastor, or if he goes to see the Maharini of Gorotozglazh who waves a monkey-skull on a stick.  RESULTS.
That's it.   TWO YEARS of results.  Paying his bills, with NO DEBTS, and NO ASSISTANCE.

[chosenone]

He has been babied his entire life and does not come from a family of hard workers.

Dr. Phil aptly says that the most reliable predictor of a person's future behavior is his relevant past behavior.

A quote from me, not Dr. Phil....  Most people do not change.  Ever.

God fearing Christian, I take marriage very seriously, as I know how much God hates divorce.
I am sacrificing EVERYTHING for this man who is just "free loading" through life.

My sister, I had a marriage just like this.  A wife who was a "freeloader".  She was so bad that she wound up essentially bedridden for the last 13 years of her life.  For 4 years, I paid a FULL-TIME employee to take care of her and the house. 

I did this for 18 years while EVERYTHING, my dreams, ambitions, desires for self-actualization, plans, went down the tubes.  I took marriage seriously, believing that God hates divorce, like you. 

I had empathy that she was a victim of childhood sexual abuse.  This, of course, was blamed for everything.  Not working, not cleaning her house, not going to school, not looking for a job, going to doctors and taking more and more and more narcotic drugs.  Even when the abuse had been over for 50 years.

He is failing as a husband and as a Christian because God says a lot about laziness.

I can tell you, from my past experience, that it WILL NOT CHANGE.  As long as your husband CAN sit on his lazy butt and do nothing to honor his responsibilities, that's what he'll do.

My advice is to go see a lawyer, and do whatever is required to financially separate yourself from him.  If that is a divorce, then so be it.   Cut off supporting him, entirely, and FOREVER.

Marriages are made by God, and divorces are made by man.   The only thing two people who are divorced need to do in order to make the divorce over is to just go get married again.

If your husband does change, becomes industrious, hard-working, willing to assume his responsibilities, at some point in the future, you can then consider reconciliation.  However, UNTIL it does, you can go on with your life unimpeded by him.

Tell him that you ONLY want RESULTS.  That you don't care how he does it.  You don't care that he gets counseling, talks to a pastor, or if he goes to see the Maharini of Gorotozglazh who waves a monkey-skull on a stick.  RESULTS.
That's it.   TWO YEARS of results.  Paying his bills, with NO DEBTS, and NO ASSISTANCE.

TJW I hate it when people use past bad experiences as an excuse to act badly. I know several people who were abused as children,  and most of them  live productive and good lives.   The odd one or two do seem to use it as an excuse to never grow up, be independent, or be responsible for anything, and that's so wrong. 

[TJW]

use it as an excuse to never grow up, be independent, or be responsible for anything, and that's so wrong. 

Yep.  That's the way my former wife was.  Tragically, it killed her, finally.  She could not develop the insight to see what she was doing to herself with drugs and inactivity.  She died at 65 but could have lived many more years and could have had a much fuller and richer life for all of her years, were she not so delusional about her own state.

She, sadly, was another church victim.  Because some of the "hocus-pocus" crowd got a hold on her, and taught her that she was "victorious in Jesus" and a bunch of out-of-context divinations from the bible, so that she thought she
had been "healed", when, alas, she was not healed at all.