Understanding how to deal with hate

[southernt]

Hi,

New here...I am struggling.  I have been a Christian for more then 20 years.  I love God with all my heart and have a relationship.  I cherish my relationship with God.  I have dated the same man for 3 years.  I thought we were in love and I thought were headed toward marriage.  He recently told me he did not want a relationship and did not love me after all.  Within days he is on a major dating site seeking a relationship.  I am beyond crushed, hurt and feel abandoned.  But I am experiencing something I am not sure I have ever experienced and that is hate.  I have gone to the Word.  Fell on my knees begging God to remove it... but I hate him for hurting me.  What he has told me for 3 years is a lie.  How do I swallow that and just move on.  More then anything I don't want to carry hate.  But how do I let it go.  The betrayal is more then I know how to deal with.  Thanks for any thoughts.

[chosenone]

Its normal to be very hurt and angry when someone you trusted has left you, and so soon has been looking for another person. PLease don't expect too much too soon. You are grieving and deeply sad, and it will take time to recover, forgive and heal, probably many months or even years. The anger will go eventually, but in the meantime don't try and squash it down but tell God about it, and maybe write down how you feel as that can be very theraputic.

I have to say that the fact that you dated for 3 years and he never asked you to marry him was a red flag to me. Its a long time to not know if you want to marry. Maybe he was never really sure?

[DaveW]

Love and hate are both very strong emotions and actually are closely related.  So it is not that unusual for one to morph into the other. (or so I am told by professional counselors and therapists)

There is a woman in the home group I lead that is going thru something very similar (but the time frame was shorter).  She was very hurt and it has been a long road back and is doing ok. But there are still some times when something triggers a flood of hurtful emotions.    She is learning very intimately the meaning of forgiving "...70 times 7..."

Hang in there.  Keep your eyes on the Lord. Forgive him [AGAIN!] every time those negative emotions rise up. It will take time - maybe another couple of years - but you will get thru this and come out the stronger for it.

[southernt]

Thank you for the responses.  And...Chosenone, you are right.  The lack of a marriage proposal should have been a red flag.  Previously, I had been married for many years after my divorce I stayed in the Word for 4 years and waited for God to lead me back into dating.  I thought after 4 years I was being led back into the dating world and met this man.  He is the only one I have dated.  My lack of understanding the dating world in my 40's I guess made me vulnerable. Things are very different than when I dated before I married.  I kept believing he would get there (marriage) and did not give up.  So Yes you are right.  Today that would be a red flag.  I guess it makes one just feel disposable although my heart knows that is not true... what I have learned is the enemy of my soul can lurk around in human form. 

[chosenone]

Thank you for the responses.  And...Chosenone, you are right.  The lack of a marriage proposal should have been a red flag.  Previously, I had been married for many years after my divorce I stayed in the Word for 4 years and waited for God to lead me back into dating.  I thought after 4 years I was being led back into the dating world and met this man.  He is the only one I have dated.  My lack of understanding the dating world in my 40's I guess made me vulnerable. Things are very different than when I dated before I married.  I kept believing he would get there (marriage) and did not give up.  So Yes you are right.  Today that would be a red flag.  I guess it makes one just feel disposable although my heart knows that is not true... what I have learned is the enemy of my soul can lurk around in human form. 

Southernt
Was he a Christian? Was he previously divorced as well?

I too was single again in my 40's after a long first marriage. It also took 4 years before I felt ready for another relationship, but it was 2 more years after that before I met my now husband.  I am sorry this has happened, but better for it to end before you married that after.
It will take time, so be hard on yourself. Recognise that you ARE deeply hurt and angry.

[southernt]

Chosenone,

Oh the question...is he a Christian?  I have learned it is such a wide open question.  He says yes.  Did I see much evidence no.  I fell into missionary dating and started trying to lead him.  He seemed so perfect except I was way more spiritually mature than he.  He was divorced after a long marriage.  I have not put myself in a situation to date I am way to hurt but if and when God leads me again to be in front of man my question will be do you have a relationship and tell me about it.  I just wish my heart didn't hurt so badly right now. 

[chosenone]

Chosenone,

Oh the question...is he a Christian?  I have learned it is such a wide open question.  He says yes.  Did I see much evidence no.  I fell into missionary dating and started trying to lead him.  He seemed so perfect except I was way more spiritually mature than he.  He was divorced after a long marriage.  I have not put myself in a situation to date I am way to hurt but if and when God leads me again to be in front of man my question will be do you have a relationship and tell me about it.  I just wish my heart didn't hurt so badly right now. 

Sometimes people will say that their husband 'said' he was a Christian before marriage, and that concerns me, because we can all say anything cant we. How a person lives their life is far more important than their words. My questions would be to them, did he pray? Did he want you to pray together? How did His relationship with Jesus show in His life?
Its possible that his divorce put him off the thought of committing himself again, especially if his marriage break up was recent.   

Of course you will need a lot of time before you are recovered enough to think of another man. I am sorry that I cant offer you any short cuts. Its just time that will bring some healing. Grief takes time.

[ChrisJ]

Hi,

New here...I am struggling.  I have been a Christian for more then 20 years.  I love God with all my heart and have a relationship.  I cherish my relationship with God.  I have dated the same man for 3 years.  I thought we were in love and I thought were headed toward marriage.  He recently told me he did not want a relationship and did not love me after all.  Within days he is on a major dating site seeking a relationship.  I am beyond crushed, hurt and feel abandoned.  But I am experiencing something I am not sure I have ever experienced and that is hate.  I have gone to the Word.  Fell on my knees begging God to remove it... but I hate him for hurting me.  What he has told me for 3 years is a lie.  How do I swallow that and just move on.  More then anything I don't want to carry hate.  But how do I let it go.  The betrayal is more then I know how to deal with.  Thanks for any thoughts.

Thanks for sharing your deep feelings of pain and anger regarding the difficult breakup between you and your former boyfriend. I am sorry for the grief and loss he caused you.

I don't think you hate your former boyfriend. You hate the emotional pain he caused through his misleading actions. You are hating the 'sin' not the sinner.

Love is the only force which drives out feelings of anger and hate. In this case, love would be tending to your feelings of pain and betrayal, first. As other posters pointed out, journaling is a good way to describe intimate feelings with yourself in a safe place, and so is talking with close friends or a pastor / counselor / priest. Once you are able to clear out some of the pain, in a gentle way with awareness of your true feelings about your relationship with your previous boyfriend, it will be easier to work on forgiving him.

There are people who can and would be willing to offer support, emotional and spiritual, which can help rebuild your faith and trust in God and yourself.

In God's Name.