Relationship problems

[HeTheOne2840]

My girlfriend and I have been dating for 1 year and half. We have talked about marriage but I have been in school trying to finish college will be done in 2 weeks. Lately she has been having problems because she had two of her best friends getting married questioning whether we would get married. We have had bumps in the road that has given me pause. She has told me in the past that she had issue with alcohol in the past had DWI 10 years ago. She gave her life to God and said she change her ways.

I hardly drink but every now go to social engagements have a few drinks and limit myself. There has been numerous times where she been with me and ends up not being able control herself becomes very aggressive, curses and verbally abusive toward me for not being wanting to be around her when she acts that way or trying to get her stop. I have told her in the past I have had issues with her drinking is part of my reason for waiting to get married to her. Whenever we had problem in our relationship she tends to run away and twice has reverted back to drinking to help her cope.

Well this weekend it came to head, we had an argument this past week about the future again and she decided she needed a break. So I gave her and myself space to think things out. Well tried to talk again this Friday and made no progress in trying to resolve our issue. I told her I would call her back Sunday. Well she ended up going with a female friend she had not seen in years and went out drinking got a DWI. She ended up calling me to bail her out of jail. I had to post bail for her. I was upset that she would do this when I know she knows better. However I was focused on not making things worse and trying to get her help. Right now I am not thinking about marriage right now because she needs to deal with this issue but at same time this adds another problem to our relationship. I told her I cannot tell you what going to happen to us but I am her to support you. My question is how do I handle this issue with her? How do I make sure she is doing this for herself and not to save the relationship? I feel the focus should be on getting her help. I do love her but I am questioning if I have strength to deal with another alcohol related incident. She does love God like I do. She is lucky enough to have great Christian friends and pastor surrounding her and we have great church we attend. My feelings are both of disappointment and tired but at same time feel need to support her. Sorry for any grammar or spelling issues.

[DaveW]

Do not even consider getting married until this is well handled.

She needs to go to christian counseling for substance abuse NOW.  Even if she goes just to save the relationship, she will benefit. She may even need rehab. 

Find her a counselor and make the appointment if she is not doing that for herself.

[chosenone]

I would think very hard about marrying anyone with such deep alcohol problems. A couple in my church have had similar issues. She turns to drink at the slightest problem, and even though they have both been believers for many many years, she still has problems and they have bad rows where the police are called, and she too has driven while drink many times. They have also had long separations and the husband has really suffered.

Drinking while drunk is completely inexcusable in my opinion. 

She seems to have lots of support, so it may be advisable for you to step right away, so you can pray and think on your own, pray with others about it, and see what God wants. I am not sure its advisable for you to still see and support her, but to separate and give it lots of time to see if she does stop. Even if she does, are you 100% sure she is the one Gods wants you to marry?  IF she isn't, you could be headed for a life time of pain and regret.

The only way to make sure that she is going to sort herself out for the right reasons, is to end the relationship for a long period, say a year, and see what happens in that time.  I think you will know after that time one way or the other, but my advise is to tread very very carefully and dont do anything unless you are totally sure its what God wants. To be honest she really needs to stay away from the drink completely, as she clearly cant control her drinking even with you there.

THink about future children and how they would cope with a mum who turns to drink whenever things get a bit hard, and also the bad effects that drinking while pregnant can have on the baby.

[HeTheOne2840]

Thanks so much for the advice. We will seek her help. I guess I am going to have a talk with her that the focus will have to be getting better. I know she can do it she done it before. Keep me in your prayers please.

[HeTheOne2840]

Thanks chosenone for the great advice. I have been thinking the same thing today. When I first met her I felt she was the one but after numerous incidents with the drink it made me more cautious with her. I have told her she has an issue and she said she would seek counsel but nothing changed. Yes she is blessed with great support from friends but family has never been there for her. I was little concerned why she called me for help if this was way to make up. My worry is that she will more concerned about the relationship try fix our problems rather than getting help. She needs a firm and loving hand to help right now that what I need to pray about.  I am very concerned with drinking issue agree with you that this will cause issue in the future because it happening now. I will reach out my pastor seek advice because I wanted to support in going to a celebrate recovery program that I did for a non-substance issue. This is certainly a difficult situation. Please keep me in your prayers.

[JohnDB]

Whats at stake here is that when married she is has full ability to speak for you and does with her behaviors.

The real problem is not the drinking or not drinking...that is just symptomatic of her real issues and her not drinking is only her attempt at controlling the symptoms of her problems not her actually addressing the problem itself that causes her to drink.

Chances are she has some kind of issue that she feels strongly about which has been minimized by her.  Your ability to have a long term successful relationship that exemplifies a Christian marriage is seriously in doubt.

Yes, you care for her but there is a real issue here.

[chosenone]

Thanks chosenone for the great advice. I have been thinking the same thing today. When I first met her I felt she was the one but after numerous incidents with the drink it made me more cautious with her. I have told her she has an issue and she said she would seek counsel but nothing changed. Yes she is blessed with great support from friends but family has never been there for her. I was little concerned why she called me for help if this was way to make up. My worry is that she will more concerned about the relationship try fix our problems rather than getting help. She needs a firm and loving hand to help right now that what I need to pray about.  I am very concerned with drinking issue agree with you that this will cause issue in the future because it happening now. I will reach out my pastor seek advice because I wanted to support in going to a celebrate recovery program that I did for a non-substance issue. This is certainly a difficult situation. Please keep me in your prayers.

I think you are right to be concerned that she may just deal with it temporarily, maybe until you marry, and then once she feels safe it may all start again. Its clearly been a very long term problem that she herself has to want to deal with and be committed to deal with no matter what happens between the two of you.
I am wondering if you being around will mean that she isn't doing that? The thing is that at this time she seems to be getting drunk and therefore aggressive/abusive for no apparent reason, just when she is with you out for the evening, so what would she do when actual problems came up in the relationship/marriage?  She is also risking the lives of others when she drives while drunk.

I think for now she must decide what she wants to do, just for herself, and if and when she has over come this with the help of others over a long period of time(maybe even years), she may be ready for a  healthy relationship.  Anyone who married her would need to be 100% sure that God was wanting them to do so, because it could be a very tough rocky road. Just by seeing this couple in my church has shown me the terrible problems that drink can cause over a very long period of time.   IF you have any doubts, which you clearly have, listen to them.