Overbearing Parents

[lovegod1989]

Hello,

I am 25 years old and I recently became engaged in June. We've been together for over a year and he's my best friend. We agree on all the main things and have God as our foundation so I know we will succeed...If only my parents will stay out of the equation.

I am very close with my parents and sister. We have a very tight knit family and I do enjoy that part of it. However, even though I am 25 years old I still feel like I'm 16 and living under my parents roof. I rent a house from my dad that is literally right behind where my parents live. Even though I have my own space I still feel like I am being watched and scrutinized. I am told how to keep my house and yard (For example, when to cut my grass, when to do my laundry, when to do my dishes, when to clean, etc.) I am not spoken to like an adult. I am not respected like an adult. I go to church every Sunday, I participate in Church events, I work 40 hours a week, I own my car, I pay my bills, I'm a virgin and waiting for marriage, I do not live with my fiance, I do not drink, I don't do drugs, etc. etc. I feel like my family will look past all the good that I do and constantly pick out everything else to throw in my face.

That feeling has now passed on to my fiance, unfortunately. They pick on him for all the negatives and ignore all the positives. For example, my fiance went to my dad to ask for my hand in marriage. My dad literally harped on and on about how he needs to have his finances in order. Out of an hour conversation my dad spent 5 minutes giving him any praise about being a Christian and loving God. I feel like they have it backwards. I know and have been taught that being a Christian and putting God first will result in everything else falling into place, including finances. I think my walk with God is stronger than theirs even though I am half their age. And I think that causes a lot of conflicts because I don't always agree with their opinions.

It has caused lots of stress on both me and my fiance and it has caused us to start bickering since being engaged. I'm starting to pull away from my family hoping that some distance will be a good resolution (even though there is distance I still see them at least 2-3 times a week). It has definitely helped with my relationship with my fiance but I feel like my family is resenting me for this.

I just need some advice on the whole situation. Is distance going to help? How do I express to them how I am feeling without causing a fight? Should I even worry about expressing to them how I'm feeling? Should I take their advice if I don't feel like it's the Godly advice I need? It ok to start the leave and cleave process while I'm engaged?

Any advice will be greatly appreciated!

Thanks.

[chosenone]

I would say is vital that you carry on the leaving and cleaving process now from what you have said. Part of the trouble is that you live so close, maybe it would have been better if you had moved right away. They need to let you go and cut those emotional ties, but if they don't(and I dont think they will) then you will have to cut them or it will badly affect the marriage.
My advise would be to move right away from your family, far enough so they cant pop over whenever they feel like it, and limit contact to say, once a week by phone and once a month visiting. Never accept criticism of your fiance and always stand up for him, or that will damage your relationship as well.

[TJW]

chosenone gave you good advice.

I left home when I was 17, and I moved 800 miles away when I was 19.

If I hadn't gotten away from my mother, I would have never accomplished anything in my own life, and I would have had absolutely no chance whatsoever at a successful marriage (this is not to say that I actually had one anyway).

I would have been better off to do the "leaving" and to have delayed the "cleaving" for a decade.  I don't recommend to anyone that they move out of their parents' house and directly into their marital house.  I think a few years of being single is a very good thing.

As I grew older, I learned to appreciate the good things about my parents (they were christians, they had a good sense of morality and a good work-ethic, and they were loving toward each other) but I was still talked to as a child when I was 40.

Should I take their advice if I don't feel like it's the Godly advice I need?

No.  You are under no obligation to follow their advice if God is leading you otherwise.

[chosenone]

chosenone gave you good advice.

I left home when I was 17, and I moved 800 miles away when I was 19.

If I hadn't gotten away from my mother, I would have never accomplished anything in my own life, and I would have had absolutely no chance whatsoever at a successful marriage (this is not to say that I actually had one anyway).

I would have been better off to do the "leaving" and to have delayed the "cleaving" for a decade.  I don't recommend to anyone that they move out of their parents' house and directly into their marital house.  I think a few years of being single is a very good thing.

As I grew older, I learned to appreciate the good things about my parents (they were christians, they had a good sense of morality and a good work-ethic, and they were loving toward each other) but I was still talked to as a child when I was 40.

Should I take their advice if I don't feel like it's the Godly advice I need?

No.  You are under no obligation to follow their advice if God is leading you otherwise.

I so agree. God moved my husband to the other side of the world to get him away from a manipulative controlling and far too clingy mother who was interfering in his newish marriage.  I also agree that young people need to live on their own right away from parents for a few years before marriage. My three children had all left by 24 and had that time of being independent and of learning to take care of themselves before anything else. They matured so much in that time.