Need Christian Marital Advice

[servegod7]

My wife and I have been married for 22 years and have 4 children together.  We both are Christians and tried to do the best we could raising our children in a Christian environment.  I was fortunate to be able to provide for my family and my wife stayed at home with the kids.  2 years ago, we bought a home-decor store which was my wife's dream and I let her run it.  It was suppose to be our "Plan B" for retirement.  Over the last couple of years, I noticed her pulling away and spending a ton of time with the business and neglecting our family.  She also stopped going to church and was partying pretty heavily with the crowd she was running with that were involved with the store.  My wife suffers from depression and we have been to marriage counseling several times (and are currently going again); however she never sticks with it.  A little over a year ago, I found out she had an affair.  It supposedly was a one-time affair and my wife was remorseful and I forgave her.  Things weren't perfect at home and she moved out twice to work on herself (we are currently separated).  I recently found out that over the past year she has also had at least 2 more affairs that I know of that have been ongoing.  She says that she loves me and wants to work on the marriage.  I have forgiven her, but I the lies and deception are so deep...I don't know if I can ever trust again.  I am trying to show Christ-like love and forgiveness and I have stayed with her because she says that she wants the marriage although her actions don't suggest that.  She says she needs to be separated to fix herself first and then she can work on the marriage, although there is no timeline in her mind on how long that will take.  I have just been trying to focus on my relationship with Christ and finding His peace and understanding on what he is trying to teach me through this trial.  I am just not sure if I should stay with the marriage or not and am looking for counsel and wisdom from fellow believers.  Above all else, I want the decision to honor God.  I feel like that God would never say "Divorce Her", but if we ever did it would be because her heart was hardened.  I don't think she will ever leave because I take care of everything including her and financially she is probably scared.  Advice?

[mtwyo]

I just posted like two minutes after you and it seems we have the same convictions of the idea "for better or worse".
While dealing with my issue I have decided I have to improve my self, I have to make sure I am right by God, if I change my self for the better, hopefully she can see the transformation and follow suit.  While we have all sinned and fallen short of the Glory of God, we have been given forgiveness. And the idea that you forgave her is amazing, especially in the world we live in today.
While her actions are wrong, you should ask yourself what did I miss, what can I change.  Now I'm not saying you have done anything wrong and I'm not condoning her behavior, but it seems like people have affairs when they are missing intimacy  at home, and often times it's not sexual intimacy for woman but the emotional intimacy. 
You are doing the right thing with the marriage counselling, but even if she stops, you need to continue, you may also suggest her finding a mentoring Christian woman, who can relate to the situation, not family but some one with an impartial view who can tell everybody where they are wrong.

I'm dealing with a rough situation myself, thank God there is no affair situation, but its a scary lonely time.  I'm praying for you.

[servegod7]

It feels like what you read about in a mid-life crisis.  I have heard it is pretty common especially for stay-at-home moms who then enter the work force.  She was getting tons of positive validation from the store and definitely got caught up in it.  What is the most disturbing is that we both always held on to the belief that if God was at the center of our marriage, then we would be good.  That was our focus and priority.  She had a pretty wild past before we met, but became a different person when she became a Christian.  I feels like an open rebellion against God and me.  I told her that the only way that our marriage could be saved was by getting back to our core and having God at the center of marriage and lives.  I have invited her to go to church.  She says she knows what to do, but doesn't do anything.  For awhile, she was really enjoying the freedom and partying and acting like she was single.  It devastated me and it was so hard to see the affect that it was having on our kids.  I think she is finally realizing some of the damage she has done to her relationship with our kids, but she also seems to be pretty self-centered and focused on what she wants to do.  It has been extremely painful and right now I don't ever feel like I can trust or love again.  I just kept looking for something from her and even now it seems like I am doing the majority of work, getting her a counselor, downloading books for her, etc..I'm just not sure what to do and I'm not sure if she will ever change.

[chosenone]

She has already had three affairs, 2 while you were apart (as you are again now). I disagree with you that God wouldn't lead anyone to divorce their spouse, I know several people for whom that very thing has happened. He allows divorce for sexual immorality because it does destroy the marriage covenant.

Of course you cant trust her, she hasn't shown that she can be trusted at all. She refuses to come back to the marriage and that shows she isn't actually that serious, and how can you know the affairs aren't still going on? I feel for the children who must be totally confused and insecure over this situation.
You says she wouldnt ever leave, but she has left, twice, and you are presumably still supporting her financially.

I am sorry but I cant see any real repentance here. You forgave her the first time and yet she still carried on 2 more times(at least), and how many more times will it take for you to act? 

[Charming Anarchist]

She says she needs to be separated to fix herself first and then she can work on the marriage, although there is no timeline in her mind on how long that will take. 

Then you 2 should separate. 

I suggest that you call a divorce lawyer and tell him everything you told us.  Then ask the lawyer:  "If I had to bet all of my money, should I bet that things will get better?"  Sometimes an objective outsider can knock some well needed sense. 

[vastonsmith]

We decided we needed to seek marriage counseling, she gave me an ultimatum that if we didn't seek counseling she was leaving.  I found a church, we had been un-churched for several years, and we started going with our pastor, who is a wonderful mentor, whom I feel is truly inspired by Gods word.  He has taken me under his wing and gives me direction and guidance.  He told me to give up self, and to change my behavior to serve my wife, and hopefully things will fall in place, but I can only change myself, not her.  I have found a renewed faith in Jesus Christ, and I have made a change to serve my Lord, wife and children in the best way possible.  Things had been going better, I am exhausted, and lucky to get 4-5 hrs of sleep, but my wife and kids don't have to worry about much, I clean, do laundry, fix every thing around the house, etc. Not to say I didn't do these things before but my wife did a lot of it, now she relaxs when I get home from work, and I take over child duty, dishes, laundry etc as well as all of the "man" chores.   I do feel as though she is taking advantage of me, and when she is on a mental high she does feel guilt but doesn't do anything to change it.

[vastonsmith]

We decided we needed to seek marriage counseling, she gave me an ultimatum that if we didn't seek counseling she was leaving.  I found a church, we had been un-churched for several years, and we started going with our pastor, who is a wonderful mentor, whom I feel is truly inspired by Gods word. 
He has taken me under his wing and gives me direction and guidance.  He told me to give up self, and to change my behavior to serve my wife, and hopefully things will fall in place, but I can only change myself, not her.  I have found a renewed faith in Jesus Christ, and I have made a change to serve my Lord, wife and children in the best way possible.  Things had been going better, I am exhausted, and lucky to get 4-5 hrs of sleep, but my wife and kids don't have to worry about much, I clean, do laundry, fix every thing around the house, etc. Not to say I didn't do these things before but my wife did a lot of it, now she relaxs when I get home from work, and I take over child duty, dishes, laundry etc as well as all of the "man" chores.   I do feel as though she is taking advantage of me, and when she is on a mental high she does feel guilt but doesn't do anything to change it.

[sojourner4Christ]

To the poster of the OP:

I don't have much time at the moment, and our readers don't have long attention spans, so this will be casual and brief.

1) When the woman chooses to operate outside of her Godly calling (i.e. the mother and wife goes out into Caesar's commercial marketplace for mammon's sake), it marks the beginning of a series of alienating and escalating problems.  It's an open door to the enemy.

2)  When one submits to an authority other than Christ (e.g. accepting the dia-"gnosis" of "depression," particularly where the mind-bending drugs usually follow), no true healing will occur.  Another open door.

3) "Christian counseling" is not the answer, as that counselor got his/her sheepskin from the same authority as the M.D..   Another open door.

4)  Husbands are commanded to love their wives, unconditionally.

God can turn this around for his glory -- if you fully assume your role as the spiritual head of your house (i.e. make, and follow-through with, Godly decisions, however unpopular), AND if you fully concentrate on #4.

Godspeed, my friend.

[chosenone]

We decided we needed to seek marriage counseling, she gave me an ultimatum that if we didn't seek counseling she was leaving.  I found a church, we had been un-churched for several years, and we started going with our pastor, who is a wonderful mentor, whom I feel is truly inspired by Gods word. 
He has taken me under his wing and gives me direction and guidance.  He told me to give up self, and to change my behavior to serve my wife, and hopefully things will fall in place, but I can only change myself, not her.  I have found a renewed faith in Jesus Christ, and I have made a change to serve my Lord, wife and children in the best way possible.  Things had been going better, I am exhausted, and lucky to get 4-5 hrs of sleep, but my wife and kids don't have to worry about much, I clean, do laundry, fix every thing around the house, etc. Not to say I didn't do these things before but my wife did a lot of it, now she relaxs when I get home from work, and I take over child duty, dishes, laundry etc as well as all of the "man" chores.   I do feel as though she is taking advantage of me, and when she is on a mental high she does feel guilt but doesn't do anything to change it.

She IS taking advantage of you, and you will end up collapsed with exhaustion if you carry on like that. Parenthood and running the house needs to be shared, not dominated by one or the other.

[chosenone]

To the poster of the OP:

I don't have much time at the moment, and our readers don't have long attention spans, so this will be casual and brief.

1) When the woman chooses to operate outside of her Godly calling (i.e. the mother and wife goes out into Caesar's commercial marketplace for mammon's sake), it marks the beginning of a series of alienating and escalating problems.  It's an open door to the enemy.

2)  When one submits to an authority other than Christ (e.g. accepting the dia-"gnosis" of "depression," particularly where the mind-bending drugs usually follow), no true healing will occur.  Another open door.

3) "Christian counseling" is not the answer, as that counselor got his/her sheepskin from the same authority as the M.D..   Another open door.

4)  Husbands are commanded to love their wives, unconditionally.

God can turn this around for his glory -- if you fully assume your role as the spiritual head of your house (i.e. make, and follow-through with, Godly decisions, however unpopular), AND if you fully concentrate on #4.

Godspeed, my friend.

1)Many godly wives and mothers HAVE to work to make ends meet.
2) depression is a real illness, and sometimes needs medical intervention.
3)Many marriages have been greatly helped and even saved by good Christian counselling.

[sojourner4Christ]

1)Many godly wives and mothers HAVE to work to make ends meet.
2) depression is a real illness, and sometimes needs medical intervention.
3)Many marriages have been greatly helped and even saved by good Christian counselling.

Such conditioned responses are expected, even as they misdirect.

1) It's the definition of "work" that is at issue -- not "work" per se.

2) You assumed "medical intervention."  Rather, his statement was, "My wife suffers from depression..." -- and nothing more.  I merely warned that if one submits to Caesar in that area, rather than to Christ, such will create an open door.

3)  You assumed "Christian counseling."  Rather, his statement was, "...marriage counseling..." -- and nothing more.  I merely warned that even a "Christian" counselor most likely has a Caesarian credential i.e. is of the world and obeisance to such, rather than to Christ, will create an open door.

[chosenone]

1)Many godly wives and mothers HAVE to work to make ends meet.
2) depression is a real illness, and sometimes needs medical intervention.
3)Many marriages have been greatly helped and even saved by good Christian counselling.

Such conditioned responses are expected, even as they misdirect.

1) It's the definition of "work" that is at issue -- not "work" per se.

2) You assumed "medical intervention."  Rather, his statement was, "My wife suffers from depression..." -- and nothing more.  I merely warned that if one submits to Caesar in that area, rather than to Christ, such will create an open door.

3)  You assumed "Christian counseling."  Rather, his statement was, "...marriage counseling..." -- and nothing more.  I merely warned that even a "Christian" counselor most likely has a Caesarian credential i.e. is of the world and obeisance to such, rather than to Christ, will create an open door.

Not 'conditioned responses' at all, responses learnt from someone who has walked with God through a lot of lifes problems and difficulties. 

[sojourner4Christ]

...[my] responses [are] learnt from someone who has walked with God through a lot of lifes problems and difficulties.

That is a non sequitur to the OP's request.

The sum of your speculative "advice" in this thread would put asunder what God hath joined together (Mat. 19:6; Mar 10:9).

vastonsmith, if you wish to dialogue with my wife and me, please pm.  God bless.
 

[MeMyself]

...[my] responses [are] learnt from someone who has walked with God through a lot of lifes problems and difficulties.

That is a non sequitur to the OP's request.

The sum of your speculative "advice" in this thread would put asunder what God hath joined together (Mat. 19:6; Mar 10:9).

vastonsmith, if you wish to dialogue with my wife and me, please pm.  God bless.

Oh.my.gosh!  I think you win the prize for the most arrogant post!

[MeMyself]

To the poster of the OP:

I don't have much time at the moment, and our readers don't have long attention spans, so this will be casual and brief.

1) When the woman chooses to operate outside of her Godly calling (i.e. the mother and wife goes out into Caesar's commercial marketplace for mammon's sake), it marks the beginning of a series of alienating and escalating problems.  It's an open door to the enemy.

2)  When one submits to an authority other than Christ (e.g. accepting the dia-"gnosis" of "depression," particularly where the mind-bending drugs usually follow), no true healing will occur.  Another open door.

3) "Christian counseling" is not the answer, as that counselor got his/her sheepskin from the same authority as the M.D..   Another open door.

4)  Husbands are commanded to love their wives, unconditionally.

God can turn this around for his glory -- if you fully assume your role as the spiritual head of your house (i.e. make, and follow-through with, Godly decisions, however unpopular), AND if you fully concentrate on #4.

Godspeed, my friend.

1)Many godly wives and mothers HAVE to work to make ends meet.
2) depression is a real illness, and sometimes needs medical intervention.
3)Many marriages have been greatly helped and even saved by good Christian counselling.

A-men, Chosen!

[MeMyself]

vastonsmith, if you wish to dialogue with my wife and me, please pm.  God bless.

Wouldn't "dialoging" with you and your wife add up to you counseling him? 

[chosenone]

...[my] responses [are] learnt from someone who has walked with God through a lot of lifes problems and difficulties.

That is a non sequitur to the OP's request.

The sum of your speculative "advice" in this thread would put asunder what God hath joined together (Mat. 19:6; Mar 10:9).

vastonsmith, if you wish to dialogue with my wife and me, please pm.  God bless.

She has already put it 'assunder' by having three affairs. I have no idea how any advise I gave would do that. 

[chosenone]

...[my] responses [are] learnt from someone who has walked with God through a lot of lifes problems and difficulties.

That is a non sequitur to the OP's request.

The sum of your speculative "advice" in this thread would put asunder what God hath joined together (Mat. 19:6; Mar 10:9).

vastonsmith, if you wish to dialogue with my wife and me, please pm.  God bless.

Oh.my.gosh!  I think you win the prize for the most arrogant post!

Yep if there is one thing I cant stand its arrogance and rudeness, and that attitude of 'I know everything and the rest of you know nothing, even if I know practically nothing about you, and you have had far more experience of lifes problems than me'.
     

[chosenone]

To the op there is a massive difference between being a godly husband and being a door mat to a very selfish woman who cant even be faithful. 
I question the advise your pastor has given you. Does he know that she has had 3 affairs and that you are working yourself into complete exhaustion?

You and you wife need to get some good marriage counselling and learn to become a team that works together, rather than she does all the taking and you do all the giving.

[Texas Conservative]

We decided we needed to seek marriage counseling, she gave me an ultimatum that if we didn't seek counseling she was leaving.  I found a church, we had been un-churched for several years, and we started going with our pastor, who is a wonderful mentor, whom I feel is truly inspired by Gods word.  He has taken me under his wing and gives me direction and guidance.  He told me to give up self, and to change my behavior to serve my wife, and hopefully things will fall in place, but I can only change myself, not her.  I have found a renewed faith in Jesus Christ, and I have made a change to serve my Lord, wife and children in the best way possible.  Things had been going better, I am exhausted, and lucky to get 4-5 hrs of sleep, but my wife and kids don't have to worry about much, I clean, do laundry, fix every thing around the house, etc. Not to say I didn't do these things before but my wife did a lot of it, now she relaxs when I get home from work, and I take over child duty, dishes, laundry etc as well as all of the "man" chores.   I do feel as though she is taking advantage of me, and when she is on a mental high she does feel guilt but doesn't do anything to change it.

She is taking advantage of you, and will likely respect you even less because you are being a doormat.