To Wed or Not to Wed that is the question...

[MarkoRocko]

So I have been dating this girl for over a year.  I find her wonderful in so many ways.
The ways she's not wonderful.... she seems to want to change me quite a bit... she has a lot of demands/requests/requirements if you will... I have two kids she wants more and wants to be a stay at home mom and effectively retire(not work again).
she wants a home... a wedding... honeymoon... a larger car for kids...
But lately instead of feeling like a "help meet" she starting to feel like a liability, like I'm her meal ticket to get all her dreams fulfilled.  Regarding finances, I am a professional and previously was married to a psychologist.  The girl friend has been a teacher and at one point in pharmaceutical sales...  She is very tight fisted with little expenses yet is liberal when it comes to vacations other things she needs.
She has dated other men who have tons of money(millions) but has settled down with me.
However, her new thing is she objects to many of the things I spend money on my kids for like bowling, new notebooks, games, etc. and is on me for eating out.
Now, she is hyper enforcive about me getting on a budget and following it and is feeling like if I can't start saving that she has serious concerns about us.  She brags that shes a great saver has 20k.  She views me as a serious slacker, however, I have around 100k but still paying out lawyers, taxes etc.
She tends to wear me out and want to change many other things about me as well like making my kids exercise, not eat junk food, wants me to engage politically(which I tend to be spiritual not political) etc.
Other than those things I feel she is a great fit! Spirit, soul, and body.  When I am with her I feel a deep profound connection but feel suffocated when it comes to how she wants me to change and how I feel like I am her meal ticket.
I am more easy going and fine with agreeing to disagree and realize we will mismatch on some things like spending, politics, raising kids, etc.
Any advice from my married friends in cyberland?   ;       )
Thanks!

[MarkoRocko]

Did I fail to mention she is 42, never been married, dying to have kids as her biological clock is ticking like a time bomb, has chronic fatigue, is tired of working and "just wants a break".

[chapmic]

It honestly doesn't like a good idea to marry her. It sounds like she is more excited about the thought of "being married" than actually being married to you. Does that make sense? It is very important for a married couple to have the same goals and vision. If they don't one will eventually want out because its not what they wanted in the first place. I think it would be best if you guys seek couples counseling to see if she can work out the things that are really bothering her. It sounds like there are some insecurity issues there, she might feel that life is passing her by and she might be competing with her friends in her social ladder which is not healthy. I hope that helps! God bless!

[MarkoRocko]

thanks chapmic. i have no doubt that shes excited about being married to me.
But she has this fear and anxiety that her dreams wont come true.
the counselor also suggests she has control issues.  shes a very sweet humble person but she also can be very controlling which often smothers me as she will become very passionate, outspoken, and unrelenting about her needs.  typically the next day she is very quick to apologize and very good about working on herself.
she is wonderful just a lot to handle.  has had many disappointments in the past and is so serious about having children she is willing to do it without me next year as shes approaching 43.
im feeling like perhaps just slowing things down and waiting for growth but dont know seeking the advise of my friends here.
;      )

[chapmic]

thanks chapmic. i have no doubt that shes excited about being married to me.
But she has this fear and anxiety that her dreams wont come true.
the counselor also suggests she has control issues.  shes a very sweet humble person but she also can be very controlling which often smothers me as she will become very passionate, outspoken, and unrelenting about her needs.  typically the next day she is very quick to apologize and very good about working on herself.
she is wonderful just a lot to handle.  has had many disappointments in the past and is so serious about having children she is willing to do it without me next year as shes approaching 43.
im feeling like perhaps just slowing things down and waiting for growth but dont know seeking the advise of my friends here.
;      )

Wow I see, that is tough. The good news is that you know she loves you and she is trying to work on her issue. Is she Christian? I know one of the hardest things to learn as a Christian is that we are not in control, it is hard to just trust but you and her are in good hands with the Lord. If you stay together, it will prolly be your duty to calm her down when she starts getting anxious. But you can remind her that the Heavenly father is all about blessings and giving good gifts. One of his favorite gifts to give is a child and not to worry about her age because nothing is impossible to God. One of my favorite bible verses is in Matthew 6 or 7 when Jesus tells his followers not to worry because worrying does not add anything to your life. The heavenly Father is watching and he will guide you and her. I will pray for you guys and you keep praying also. I am sure he will give you a clear answer how to handle it.

[Nevertheless]

You mentioned several times feeling "smothered." That will not improve with marriage.

[chosenone]

Firstly are you both Christians?
Secondly are you already living together?

If this is how you feel now, before you have even married, it will only get worse after marriage. Why do you want to marry a lady who wants you change you and your children and your whole life?  If she doesn't love you as you are then why marry? Unless she is in fear of getting past the age to have children. I think its also troubling that she wants to give up work completely even if she doesn't have children, as if she isn't prepared to share the providing in anyway. 

I always think that if someone needs to ask others if they should marry someone, then they shouldn't marry them. You must be 100% sure. Its not only your life that will be damaged if you make a mistake, but your children's.    High maintenance and controlling people are VERY hard to live with. I suppose she has lived for so long with only herself to think about and that can make people selfish. 

Give yourself time and space on this. Maybe have a compete break from each other for a time, and pray. Ask God to make it clear  what you are to do, and also ask one or two close Christian friends to pray with you about this. Don't even think of going down that route unless you are completely 100% sure.   

[MarkoRocko]

Very good advice my friends.
Yes we are both diligent Christians.
As you can see I am torn and yes Jesus will reveal his will to me.
Part of me feels like I can be a tremendous blessing to her and perhaps the Lord is calling me to this, as he has during this past year of our relationship.  The other part of me, conventional wisdom, looks as the word "help meet" and wonders whose helping who here?  In some ways I feel like the meal ticket.  i.e. she doesn't want to work, she wants me to save more, she wants the wedding the honeymoon, kids, the car, and me not to engage too much in my own spending so she can have all that.
She does bring me tremendous joy, love, etc.
I wonder to if God may be calling me to this although it isn't necessarily conventional wisdom.  Like the man married to Joannie Ericksontada(super amazing godly parapalegic woman).
My head and heart are battling.  Love after all is selfless, love is giving without expecting to receive.  So I definitely love her but I know there will be difficult moments and thats why I look over my shoulder.
I just saw a movie where they said not to give up on something just because its hard, when it could be great.
Ultimately, the Lord indeed will make his insight clear to me but I am in deep appreciation of your advise, thanks again!

[MarkoRocko]

We are not living together.  We did though for a year as roommates, myself and another gentlemen renting a room of her house.  She used the house for a christian daycare as I have said she is extremely fond of children and having that arrangement sets her up even if she has a child on her own.  Once we realized we had feelings for each other, I felt the need to move out and follow a more traditional courting... I have been out for 6 months.

[chosenone]

Marko marrying isnt something that you do as a sort of 'duty' to that other person even when you have doubts, you marry the one you KNOW you want to marry, who you KNOW is Gods choice for you.  If this is already worrying and concerning you now, after only a year, they will only be magnified even more when you are together all the time. If you arent even engaged, I am not sure why she is having any say in your spending or finances or on what your children do or or dont do anyway.

I do know a few people who had doubts before they married, and they were all proved to be right. Maybe God is not giving you that peace you need for a reason. I am pretty sure that if she was the one, you would feel complete peace about it. You have already had one divorce, and the children have already seen their parents split up, which is why you need to be so careful this time

Have you told her that you don't want her to leave work as soon as you marry? Have you spoken to her about the way she controls you and your children? Have you mentioned all of your doubts and concerns?   

[MarkoRocko]

Have you told her that you don't want her to leave work as soon as you marry?
       I haven't.  I am easy going.  I like the idea of a stay at home mom.  Its not her staying at home I guess that bothers me.
Its her view of being rescued from working.  She weeps and says shes tired.  It bothers me that she is so against spending money on what I would consider normal activities then saying she doesn't want to work but wants to nit pick my spending which I consider conservative howbeit not as tightly as say a public school teacher. 
I feel like marriage is us against the world and like the idea of a Proverbs 31 woman who fears nothing, a Lara Craft.  Which I have told her and she says she can't be that person because she is broken and even has had work disability because of stress for another job in the past.  While I prefer she actually stay home, the defeatist attitude she has bothers me.  I don't like the idea that there is a single point of failure(meaning if I go down) the ship sinks.  To be fair, she would agree at that point in an exceptional situation to work.  I guess what bothers me if her viewing me as the rescuer.  I don't want to rescue someone.  I want a strong partner who can be a "help meet" and rescue me if I need it.
Have you spoken to her about the way she controls you and your children? Have you mentioned all of your doubts and concerns?
Yes, but not fully to this extent.  When she gets upset she becomes emotional and starts blasting me with her cogent arguments and its hard to get in a word edgewise.  However, she quickly calms down usually the day following.  Apologizes and then is much better at listening.  :    )

[MarkoRocko]

Have you told her that you don't want her to leave work as soon as you marry?
       I haven't.  I am easy going.  I like the idea of a stay at home mom.  Its not her staying at home I guess that bothers me.
Its her view of being rescued from working.  She weeps and says shes tired.  It bothers me that she is so against spending money on what I would consider normal activities then saying she doesn't want to work but wants to nit pick my spending which I consider conservative howbeit not as tightly as say a public school teacher. 
I feel like marriage is us against the world and like the idea of a Proverbs 31 woman who fears nothing, a Lara Craft.  Which I have told her and she says she can't be that person because she is broken and even has had work disability because of stress for another job in the past.  While I prefer she actually stay home, the defeatist attitude she has bothers me.  I don't like the idea that there is a single point of failure(meaning if I go down) the ship sinks.  To be fair, she would agree at that point in an exceptional situation to work.  I guess what bothers me if her viewing me as the rescuer.  I want a strong partner who can be a "help meet" and rescue me if I need it.
Have you spoken to her about the way she controls you and your children? Have you mentioned all of your doubts and concerns?
Yes, but not fully to this extent.  When she gets upset she becomes emotional and starts blasting me with her cogent arguments and its hard to get in a word edgewise.  However, she quickly calms down usually the day following.  Apologizes and then is much better at listening.  :    )

[chosenone]

She could always work part time. Even if you did marry, there is no guarantee that she will get pregnant, she is pretty old to be a mum, so she may never be a stay at home mum in that sense. Do you have your children full time or part of the time? 

I honestly think you need to be honest with her and talk about your fears and concerns and that you aren't totally sure at this time that this is the right thing to do.
Have you thought about having time apart and praying and listening to God about this? Its a massive decision, and any doubts need to be prayed about and not just ignored.

[MarkoRocko]

She is determined to be pregnant and will turn over every stone to do so come Apr. next year... she already has the medical procedures queued up with or without a partner and will adapt if invitro isn't successful.
I am taking the good advice and doing time apart for a week to seek the Lord.
My children are with me half the time.

[chosenone]

Wow so she is determined to try and get pregnant whether you marry her or not and whether you want more children or not. Even if the child will have no father.  IVF guarantees nothing however, and is very expensive as well. The older you get the more likely it is to fail, and the harder it is to get pregnant in the first place. Has she actually asked God whether HE wants her to be a single mother? Many women have had to accept life without children because they didnt meet a guy. I know some myself.

Its so hard, with her being that desperate for children, to know if the marriage is in some way a means to an end, a man to have a baby with and support them both, and if she has already worked out the exact time she will try and conceive, regardless of what YOU want, it puts you under enormous pressure to make a decision when you clearly need more time to be sure. Not good. 
In the UK where I live, adoption isnt that common for single people unless its an older hard to place child. There are so many couples desperate for a child, and of course its far better to have mum and dad.

You may need more than a week, I was thinking more of a couple of months, to give you both a time apart and time to hear God. You will miss her, but that isnt the same as knowing that she is the one. This is a hard situation, and I think you are right to pause and pray and not be rushed into anything. Could you speak to one or two trusted mature Christian guy friends about this? Ones who will hear God and pray with you and for you?