Getting unstuck from separation?

[ForATime]

We have been separated for 8 1/2 months.
We both regularly communicate that we are for reconciliation.
We spend time together like dinners, outings with the kids etc. we live in separate homes in the same suburb.
In this time I have attended individual counselling and we completed a course together. Later in the month we are starting couples counselling.
Last month seemed to go to new levels as our time together was more frequent. We became intimate again and I stayed overnight a few times. My wife also suggested both a domestic holiday and a later overseas trip (with vow renewal).
Lately the connection appears to have gone backwards as she doesn't want to discuss/do many of the things of last month but we both voice commitment to reconcile still.
It seemed that we were well on the way last month after both putting in the work and I wonder if anyone has a tip for a couple that seems so close but stuck

[anx]

I was separated twice with my story on this forum. You need to make progress in counseling. Has your wife said why she is backing off? If you can't really communicate about that, then you still need hard work.

As for advise, if she is the one setting the pace and putting on breaks you need to stay backed off and let her set the pace. She has put up walls or wants space, and if you come closer without fixing the underlying issues, you will just be pushed back by those walls and reaffirm the walls. Other than that, educate yourself with books or whatever else you can on marriage  and marriage  issues. I probably  read 15 books during my marriage  issue, which helped me figure out my roles, issues, good responses, and the expectations and thoughts that would be healthy.

Blessings

[epiphanius]

Anx, that's very good advice!  (Manna)

[ForATime]

Thanks Anx.

[ForATime]

And yes she has said why she is backing off. My behaviour- what I have been working on in this time and others have acknowledged ongoing change with.

May I consider another angle: Her verbal acknowledgement of desire to reconcile.

She is saying it is not about us. It is about my change. She talks like she has it all together and it's all up to me.

Here's the twist: she compared me to ex husband of 15 years ago saying he can change and I cant.
I checked in with her a few weeks later to give benefit of the doubt as she might have said emotionally and she did not retract.

So she wants reconciliation based on my change but says that I can't change!

The plot clots when she contacted her ex husband I think around the time the intimacy decreased. She said that there is nothing going on, it has been good for healing of their past issues and admits emotional reconnecting but nothing to it.

I think it is poor timing and unfair comparison.

I asked if she prays for us. She said no.
I have encouraged her to be praying for the change she desires to see in me.

[epiphanius]

And yes she has said why she is backing off. My behaviour - what I have been working on in this time and others have acknowledged ongoing change with.

ForATime,

What you're seeing here is your wife's insecurity; this is normal and predictable.  Are you familiar with the old expression, "once bitten, twice shy?"  That's the way she is right now.  You perceive a change in yourself, and others concur with this.  Your wife sees it too, but it's diminished by the fact that she still sees evidence that the "old" ForATime is still alive and kicking.

May I consider another angle: Her verbal acknowledgement of desire to reconcile.

Such statements are certainly tempting!  You want to be reconciled ASAP, so if she indicates she *might* be ready to reconcile, it's perfectly natural to place more value on what she says than is really there, and then feel devastated when it becomes clear she didn't *quite* mean it the way you thought she did.  (She might even be saying this to test your reaction, so be careful!)

She is saying it is not about us. It is about my change.  She talks like she has it all together and it's all up to me.

OK, here's another trap that's easy to fall into.  She is saying it's about your change: well, isn't it?  Unless you've changed your mind about wanting to be reconciled to her, there's not much point in considering whether or not she "has it all together."

Here's the twist: she compared me to ex husband of 15 years ago saying he can change and I cant.

Clearly, she is *not* satisfied with the progress you've been making (remember, you *can't* make that judgment for her).

What she's doing here is a game that a *lot* of people play, where they try to motivate you by saying you "can't" do something and then hoping you'll prove them wrong.  More often than not, it actually motivates the person to prove them *right,* but you don't have to fall into that trap.  (Don't let it discourage you, either.)

The plot clots when she contacted her ex husband I think around the time the intimacy decreased. She said that there is nothing going on, it has been good for healing of their past issues and admits emotional reconnecting but nothing to it.

I think it is poor timing and unfair comparison.

It probably is both, but that's not the point.

Pardon me if I'm inferring some things here, but I know people in your position are typically *dying* to get some recognition for the progress they've made, and when it's not forthcoming, the temptation is *overwhelming* to try and bring up the subject any way they can.  This is a temptation, and you have to resist it with all the strength you can muster.  Giving in to this will set you back every time (although you can mitigate the damage by apologizing).

Remember what our brother Anx said about the walls,

... if she is the one setting the pace and putting on brakes you need to stay backed off and let her set the pace. She has put up walls or wants space, and if you come closer without fixing the underlying issues, you will just be pushed back by those walls and reaffirm the walls.

I asked if she prays for us. She said no.

A fair question--just accept her answer.

I have encouraged her to be praying for the change she desires to see in me.

This is OK too, as long as you just say it and let it go.