At odds with God

[New Creation]

old thread, can be deleted

[chosenone]

SO you are a Christian and she isnt? Is that right? 

[New Creation]

SO you are a Christian and she isnt? Is that right?

Sorry I should have clarified. She has been a christian since she was young girl.

[Alan]

I was in a similar situation with my now wife. We happily separated to be sure that we were placing God first in our lives, but as you have stated, separating may not be feasible at this point in your relationship so I would strongly recommend withdrawing from sex until you are married, this will take some discussion between you two and some strong restraint.


Place God first in your lives, pray diligently concerning your relationship and believe that He will either bring you together or show you that you are not ready.
Have Bible study together and pray about what you have covered.
Surround yourselves with Godly people, maybe seek counsel from your pastor.


I have known others in a situation the same as yours, in one case the couple was blessed by their devotion to God and have had a very happy and fruitful marriage for ten years now, but in another case, the couple through placing God first in their lives found that they really were not meant to be but attempted to supercede God's will....it did not end well.


Blessings to you both, and prayers for God's will to be done in your relationship 

[chosenone]

Alan said it well. If you cant possibly separate(and God may well find a way for you to do this if you ask Him), then have separate rooms and no more sex. Also repent of the sex before marriage because it is really important. If you arent going to a good church, then please find one, and get some good teaching and guidance and fellowship.

There are things you have said that concern me. You have said that her love for you is stronger than yours for her, and strongly implied that you think you want to stay with her in case you cant find anyone else to love you that way. NOT a good reason to marry someone. You have also implied that you love for her isnt constant and that things about her annoy you.
To me this indicates that you are having doubts about whether she is the one for you to marry and be with for the rest of your life. This will make things very complicated, because you have already set up home together and got pets etc which is why its always a bad idea to live together before marriage, and why its hard to see how you can really hear God and wait on Him for guidance when you are under the same roof.

It may help if you see your pastor or a pastor and talk this through. I think that you both need to have a time apart if possible to pray for clear guidance from God before you make any move towards marriage, and also put God first in your life rather than living your way which is disobeying God.

Have you ever actually spoken about the sex before marriage and living together aspect? How does she feel about it? 

[New Creation]

old thread, can be deleted

[Alan]

Alan: How long did you and your wife separate before you knew you wanted to get married? Thank you for your prayers.

We separated for 2 1/2 years before getting married. Interestingly there was  much pain initially, as well as leading to our deciding to separate. It seemed as though the chains had been broken and I was free to run, but I knew where I was running to. In much later discussion with my wife, I learned she had felt the same thing. For the first year or so I honestly did not believe that we would be reunited, and it did not bother me. We had both decided to go through Bible school and earnestly seek God, and pour into ministry with any extra spare time; we had no time for relationship, but in the 2nd year I started to see her in a different light. I became quite attracted to the "New Creation" she had become and God worked miracles after that, bringing us together and knitting us as one. I would love to say that all of the old was washed away, but every time you step back a little, old familiar spirits will try to overcome, it's a never ending journey but as long as we keep our eyes fixed on Him we continue to be blessed in our marriage.


We serve an awesome God!    I will continue to pray for you, Blessings!!

[chosenone]

Thank you both so much for your kind replies.

After reading and giving it much consideration I wrote down a list of things I would like to do regarding our relationship based on your advice. I then brought the list to her and to my relief she felt the same way I did about making changes and doing things the way God wants us to do them. We both came to the conclusion that we are both willing to make sacrifices right now for the hope of a better future. Alan, what you said about the one couple who did do things God's way and the couple who didn't, really got me thinking about my relationship and how beautiful it could be if we both put God first. So the agreement we both came to was that first and foremost we will put God first in everything we do. We will not have sex and I am letting her have the bedroom and the new bed, I will be sleeping on an air mattress in the other room until I can find something better because I want to make it feel more like my room rather than something temporary. I told her I will be praying everyday for us and repenting of all the stuff from the past that I am certainly not proud of, I will be seeking counseling from a lady at our church and I am going to try to get mentoring from an older christian couple we know who does bible studies every week so it will be two-fold. Mentoring from an older married couple and bible study together. I made it clear to her that these are things that I will be seeking and that I hope she will follow through with me, I'm not going to hold her hand and feel like I need to force her to do it. I also told her that I will be considering if she does these things with me or not as a sign of whether we are really meant to be together and get married some day. I'm going to do my best to not get upset with her if she doesn't follow through and just trust in God.

Again, thank you both for taking the time to read my long post and reply with grace and wisdom. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Please continue to pray for the both of us.

Alan: How long did you and your wife separate before you knew you wanted to get married? Thank you for your prayers.

Chosenone: I have been hopping around to different churches to get a feel for what I like and don't like. I feel that I'm being drawn to one in particular so my girlfriend and I agreed to start going to that one regularly to seek guidance and fellowship. When you say time apart, what exactly do you mean? and how long? I do admit that her love is stronger for me than mine is for her and I'm afraid I could never unconditionally love someone as much as she has to me. I do love her though and I need to work on learning to love her unconditionally. If there were no feelings of love and attraction on my part I would have given up by now. Is it not normal to have doubts about spending the rest of your life with one person? Is it wrong of me to think that she isn't marriage material until she starts to learn how to clean up after herself and fulfill her part of the chores? For now I have adopted the mindset that if you want it done so badly you're just going to have to do it and without complaining so I have been doing the dishes, cleaning the house, taking care of the dogs on my own for the most part. I used to take it really personal, like if she loved me more she would do it. Just so you don't get the wrong idea, I have no problem doing dishes and cleaning the house. I don't think that certain jobs are for certain genders I just think we should both fulfill our half of the agreement to take on the responsibilities together.

That sounds very positive.

By separating I mean having a time when you dont see each other so that you can both pray and wait on God. IT can be useful for some couples.
Re the housework thing, its another thing you need to talk about. Sometimes agreeing on who does what is helpful. Praying regularly is also helpful and going to church together is a very positive step.