Separated spouse with Avoider attachment style

[ForATime]

Any tips on communicating with a loved one with this style?
We are separated yet courting.

[chosenone]

Could you explain a little more about this? I have never heard of avoider attachment style. 

[ForATime]

http://www.imaginehopecounseling.com/wmblog/?p=2514

[epiphanius]

Any tips on communicating with a loved one with this style?
We are separated yet courting.

FWIW, here's what the link shows:

The avoider will often be private and like his/ her own space. They are rarely emotional or needy and avoid issues in order to keep everyone happy. Their spouse often complains that they "won't connect".  Avoiders ask for little in the relationship, but also tend to give little affection and are distant with others. They are happiest when they don't have to connect, when others don't want much from them emotionally, and when others are happy. They are self-sufficient and high achievers.

An avoider needs to realize that they are not "fine" and start connecting with themselves emotionally in order to invest emotionally in the relationship. The range of emotion includes more than just fine. They need to experience all of them- positive and negative! An avoider needs to quit thinking it is all their spouse's fault and look in the mirror to own that they contribute to the dysfunction too. When an avoider shifts their emotional response and engages, rather than avoiding, conflict will decrease and emotional needs will be met.

Milan and Kay Yerkovich's book "How We Love" gives us a great picture of how dysfunctional attachments can cause painful patterns in relationships. Their theory introduces the 5 Love Styles that we use to cope with past pain which can often sabotage our chances for a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

[ForATime]

I will try rewording

My wife (avoidant) and I (anxious) have been separated for nearly 11 months.

Her love language is Quality Time. Mine is Words of Affirmation.

We are heavily invested. We have been married for more than a decade and have 3 kids.

I have engaged professional services for most of the separation.

We have both attended 3 couples counselling appointments recently and have more booked.

We are "courting" in this process (dinner dates, sleeping over, sex). This is irregular though.

As I read more about avoidant and anxious it is right on the money with what is happening.

Any tips for improving myself (secure)?

Any tips for creating a safe place for her to be vulnerable more consistently (aside from the previous question which I guess is a big part)?

[chosenone]

Has she had personal prayer/ministry or counseling to get to why she is like that?

[ForATime]

I acknowledge it was a big step for an avoidant type to get to couples counseling recently.
She has only come to that conclusion in the last appointment.
I have a fair idea of what has formed this based on intimate conversations over the years

[chosenone]

I acknowledge it was a big step for an avoidant type to get to couples counseling recently.
She has only come to that conclusion in the last appointment.
I have a fair idea of what has formed this based on intimate conversations over the years

Pray that she will recognise the need for her to get ministry and/or counselling at the church. 

[anx]

All you can do is try to make space for her to talk as much as possible and try to keep you anxiety in check when things get rocky. My wife and I also match the anxiety \ avoidance that you describe. I have struggled with anxiety my entire life (it is improved ), and my wife told me stuff in couseling that happneed more than 5 years previous that she was hurt about and never said a thing to me about. She avoided it and let it build up until she snapped.

It's your job to fix your end and her job to fix her end. The best thing you can do is show her how hard you are working to be a good spouse and wait patiently for her. It takes time and a lot of energy to critically analyze and change yourself. Create the best environment you can for that, pray hard, and focus on being the best spouse you can. You both can polish your rough edges, but it's hard work.

Blessings

[ForATime]

Thanks anx

Yes I keep working on polishing my edges.

She has told me of issues from childhood etc that I realise have helped form the avoidant approach. My counseling and reading keeps switching lights on. I want to get better at creating that space for her and I do that best when I'm secure, peaceful and joyful. I need to be more consistent.

[ForATime]

She doesn't communicate timeouts until she is in it for a few days and then gives no indication of when she wants to end the timeout.

Understanding more about this has eased the anxiety

[anx]

i ment to write back sooner. I read at least 7 marriage books and the bible when we were separated. I learned a lot of little thing and it was better than being alone and sad with nothing to do. The books by gottman were really good for me since I'm scientificly minded and he stated a few of our problems really well. His seven pricipals book is short and definitely worth the tI'm if you have it. Nothing groundbreaking but it really helped me.

[ForATime]

Thanks anx. I started watching some Gottman videos online recently. I have noted the book

The timeout has no communicated ending and she has text me a few times today.
We are now set up to go out next weekend.
Consistency is the key

[anx]

Still thinking about this, I had one more piece from my own marriage that may help. When we "talk" about something important or argue about an issue, it is different than anything I've normally thought it would be.

She is very easily overloaded. Being anxious, I very often know my response to what she is saying before she has finished her sentence. What I have learned works for us is for me to wait, spend time calming myself, and most importantly measuring my words to make sure what I am saying is said as fairly, lovingly, and as best worded as I possibly can. I make sure to check to make sure my words are not said hurtfully and best work towards fixing the issue. When she responds, it is usually after a long pause (30 sec to a minute). I cannot speak to exactly what is going on in her head, but she needs time to process and respond. I think she works hard to fight the urge to shut down / avoid the issue. She often said in counseling she was as engaged as she could be, which looked very disengaged from my perspective. She has a hard time not avoiding big / hurtful issues.

Anyways, why that is so weird, is I could very easily quickly converse normally in my job or have a friendly argument with a friend. I did debate in high school with the speech team, and I'm fairly well spoken. With my wife, we take 30-1 minute pauses between talking about anything serious. Anything more quickly, and she shuts down / overloads / stonewalls and then only responds with contempt / anger or nothing at all and there is no longer anything that can come from the talk. I am also prone to getting too amped up and anxious when talking and the slower pace keeps me grounded.

Listening in from the outside would be the strangest thing. The pace is so foreign to normal speech or an argument. It takes 10 minutes to get 5 replies from each of us. A serious decision could take 30 minutes easily. I'm not sure if or how that helps, but it is the only thing that works for us, and it sounds like your dynamic is similar to ours. I guess my advise is to consider slowing down discussion about serious topics if you don't already, and make sure your response is checked and any anxiety you have in check before you fire off a response. Even if the response is the same, the delivery can matter even more than the words.

Blessings and Best of Luck

[ForATime]

This is gold anx.

I am considering this for the weekend. It feels like the first date all over again.

[ForATime]

Date was cancelled by her two days before. Then day after when date was to happen she emailed saying that I wanted divorce but wasn't saying it so she would help me out. I have never wanted it and made it known.

Legally cannot do by email and too early.

Our counsellor says may be another attempt at communicating timeout even with using D word.

First time calling for it as she has consistently said against it.

Giving her some space

[anx]

My wife had some times in separation where she acted really strangely. She said she loved me and wanted to be married and then two weeks later flipped completely and and wanted a 2nd separation that lasted 6 months. There were no fights and nothing changed in those 2 weeks that I could tell. During the second separation, she was more willing to actually engage in counceling and also more willing to threaten divorce. It is strange how your wife almost blamed you for wanting a divorce because you wanted it, but im not at all surprised after what I heard and went through.

There is nothing you can do about her words or actions. Its up to her to decide where to go from here. She could go either way. Your job is to do what you can, and the rest is not your job.

Honestly, during my own separation it could have gone either way. 6 months of space helped my wife reconnect and consider the marriage. In actually considering divorce you also actually consider the hard work to fix the marriage as perhaps just as difficult as divorce and may take that path. Its hard to read you or others go through it since it devastated me. There is nothing you can do but make smart choices and continue to be on the good and right path. I wish there were more that i could say. Keep trying to save your marriage and keep your sanity. It may take 2 months or a year for this be decided. Good can come from this darkness. What happened to me 2 to 4 years ago now seems like a different story or world completely.

Blessings and keep fighting the good fight.

[anx]

Any date this weekend or improvement?

[ForATime]

We had our first face to face since the divorce email.

It started off pleasant and beautiful then broke down.

A few hours later I received an email that contained the line

"I don't know how long we will be separated"

I replied asking for clarification. No response so far

[anx]

Well, I can tell you more of what happened with my 2nd separation. We had I think 2 dates that broke down and were pretty bad. No yelling or anything, she just left totally disconnected and didn't seem to care at all about us. She also went to a party and lied to me about a number of things, and she didn't really seem to care about that either.

I stuck pretty solidly to not contacting her outside of responding to her. I would maybe suggest not responding to the e-mail your wife sent you about separation length. At this point anything your wife says will be said from a place of hurt with little/ no love. It is probably not even worth engaging the words unless you need to. It was clear to me at that point that if I ever really did anything like yell, be mad, make a meaningful mistake, etc that she would just ask for a divorce and not think twice. I just showed her love when I could and waited.

Anyways, we texted minimally for something like 1-2 months. She ended up getting sick, and I was at least able to get meds for her, do dishes, and take out cat litter at her place. I ended up getting swimmers ear, which is tremendously painful and then soon after pneumonia. I had a cough that sounded like death that stuck around for a very long time.

We still went to counseling. It was OK and a good place to talk, but nothing ground breaking happened. There was definitely slow progress and communication and skill building, but no silver bullet.

I think the combination of a lot of time, both of us getting sick, and the little pieces coming together positively very slowly changed my story. It was something like a year and a half from her first saying that she wanted counseling and willing to say that she had been bottling up her feelings to moving back together a 2nd time that stuck.

To wrap up, it is up to your wife and God to change her heart. All you can do is wait and do what you can when there is an opportunity. I think both of us getting sick in my story was a good reminder of why a marriage is worth trying hard for and fixing. Sometimes, even something as small as a broken pinky toe that limits mobility and causes pain can put a person on their knees begging for Gods mercy and provision and life into a different light.

I hope your story works out, but it might be terrible for some amount of time. Mine was terrible for about a 2 month stretch.

Also, I send you a PM.