My Journey! Here to Help!

[jack1953]

Hi all!  I'm 61 and have been born again for 14 years.  Best 14 years of my life!  I'm throwing out my testimony here.  Anyone who is struggling or has any questions or concerns, you can ask them here or PM me. 

I'm here to help!

Good evening.  The testimony I am about to share with you is one that you rarely hear because of the implications and stigma attached to it.

We normally hear testimonies about drugs, alcohol, anger, and co-dependency. This testimony is about a sexual addiction to pornography and how sometimes God will allow a life to be turned upside down, so we can learn to live right side up if we are willing to surrender to Him in conscious obedience.

Typically, most men that fall prey to sexual addiction have some sort of family or personal dysfunction at some point in time in their lives.  My personal dysfunction consisted of being very shy and intimidated by the opposite sex and a very subtle, yet unexplainable degree of low grade frustration, annoyance, and anger inside of me. 
I was the oldest of 3 boys, all 3 years apart, and we were raised by great parents who gave us love and morals, 24/7, and discipline when needed. 

My father worked hard and yet still found time to be an excellent father, being very involved in all three of his sons' lives and activities up to the time he was killed in a pedestrian accident in 1997.  My mother had her hands full between raising us, keeping the house up, and working jobs herself on and off throughout our childhood.  We weren't raised as Christians, per say, but I did believe that there WAS a God, although  I had no comprehension of salvation or of a relationship with Jesus, or any interest thereof.

When I became an adolescent, I found a way around my intimidation with, and any possible rejection from the opposite sex, through the discovery of pornography. The pornography progressed from magazines to adult videos as I grew into early adulthood.
After I served 4 years in the military, I experimented with drugs on almost a daily basis until I moved away from that world and came to Florida in 1981.  The drugs were a temporary escape from the world, but were not the fulfillment I was looking for and I am fortunate that I was able to walk away from them as easily as I did.                                 

Blaise Pascal, who, in the 1700s, was an atheist French mathematician, who became born again, once said that everyone of us has a 'God shaped hole' in our hearts that can only be filled with Christ.  Looking back, I can see now that I was trying to fill the hole in my heart, with sex, drugs, and anger.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                               
After moving to Florida I finally met the woman for me.  Her name is Linda, and we were married in 1991, and had our son, Taylor in 1993.  Linda and I both had good jobs, owned our own home, and each owned new vehicles. We even started going to church after my son turned two years old.  We didn't go because I wanted to hear about Jesus.  We went because I wanted our son to be around other children, since he was an only child.  Life was good and even though I now had a wife, I still had the desire to look at pornography through videos.

I never had any interest in electronics and did not even own a computer until my mother gave me hers in 1999, two years after my father was killed.  Once I learned my way around on the computer and discovered all the 'free' pornography, I was in 'hog heaven'.  Like most addictions, one thing leads to another, and before I knew it, I found myself having cyber-sex with adult women on line via chat rooms and webcams.

I ventured deeper and deeper into the darkness of the addiction and ended up getting involved in role-playing with the women on line. The decision to role-play led me into a world of viewing and sharing pictures that I knew were wrong and probably illegal.  I kept the addiction alive by buying into enemy's lie that what I was doing was okay because I wasn't physically with anyone, and if I wasn't really with anyone, then it really wasn't adultery.  I also bought into the lie that the role-playing was even okay, because it was all just pretend, and besides that,  I was in my own home and wasn't hurting anyone.  I couldn't see it at the time, but my addiction and selfishness was the sin that God would use to give me an opportunity to say yes to Him.     

Yes, there were times when I wanted to quit.  The guilt and shame would sometimes eat me alive, and I would come home from work determined to stop and get rid of that world. 
However, the lies, the anonymity, and the selfishness kept the addiction alive and well until April 19th, 2001.

The doorbell rang at 7:15am on that Thursday morning, and I was greeted by a Cape Coral policeman and 4 federal agents. Several emotions were running through me at the time;  fear, guilt, and shame, but also the emotion of relief was also present, because I knew my addiction was finally over.  The incentive to stop just rang my doorbell. They served the search warrant, asked my wife Linda and son Taylor to leave, and proceeded to search my house and seize my computer.   
                                                         
After they left, I called Linda and she came back home, and I proceeded to tell her all the sordid details of my 40 year old addiction.  As expected, she also experienced an attack of emotions with anger being at the forefront.  As far as I was concerned, my life was over at this point.  Linda would surely leave and divorce me, and Taylor would probably hate and want nothing to do with me.  Little did I know that God had different plans.  About two weeks later, with no where else to turn, I ended up on my knees giving my life to Christ.  That began a journey I could never have imagined.  He first led me to two small men's groups and a spiritual weekend event, called the Walk to Emmaus a month later. 

God then led me to Celebrate Recovery where my friend and I stepped out of the closet of sexual addiction by giving our testimonies and assisted in starting a Men's Sexual Addiction Recovery Group in August of 2002.

Each day, during this time, I grew closer and closer to God and, to my surprise, Linda, being a Christian since high school, made the decision to honor her vows, temporarily, by staying with me until she could see what course of action I would take. All this time we had heard nothing from the government and did not know what they were going to do with my case.     3
That all became clearly evident in November of 2002 when the federal prosecutor called my attorney and told him that they were going to prosecute me after all.  I continued in my Walk and tried to hold on to my faith as much as I could. 

I was convicted on March 5, 2003, and sentenced to 33 months in federal prison, three months later on June 16th.  I'll never forget the morning of that day when I had to say goodbye to Taylor.  Even though having to leave him was a consequence of my horrible choices, it was a heartbreak that I would never wish on anyone.

God  took charge right away in my journey of incarceration.  Instead of sending me across the street from the federal courthouse holding cell to the Lee County Jail, He sent me 25 miles up the road to the Charlotte County Jail.  The significance of that is the fact that Lee County is rated the worst county jail in the state while Charlotte is rated one of the best, as far as county jails go, based upon the conditions and number of lawsuits.  I spent a month there and was transferred to the Federal Detention Center in Miami. 

After spending 2 and a half months there, I was transferred to Coleman Federal Prison, which was my final destination.  Coleman is where God presented me with spiritual opportunities I would have never imagined. 

He made it clear that I was to perceive my time at Coleman, NOT as an inmate in prison, but as a cadet at a spiritual academy.  He immediately steered me to the church and had me volunteer my services in the praise band. 

The praise band qualified me as a 'leader' of the church and gave me eligibility to start attending the pastor's Saturday classes, designed to refine biblically, our husband and father skills.  I also attended several evening Bible study classes that were taught by organizations outside of the facility.   


I signed up for several Bible correspondence studies, and enrolled in the Bible College that was given by an outside ministry.  God  had me learning and growing spiritually at an unbelievable pace. I had heard similar testimony by the likes of Jim Baker and Chuck Colson, about how God used their prison time to grow and move them closer to Him than they had ever been before, and now I was experiencing it for myself.

I do not wish prison on anyone, whatsoever, but I do wish every new Christ follower could experience the spiritual journey He offers every inmate who is willing.  THAT journey, cannot be duplicated anywhere else outside of those walls and fences.

The incredible depth of growth I experienced at the Coleman Academy,  has left a permanent, positive scar in my life that I believe will always be with me and will keep me grounded in my relationship with Him, which leads me to one of the most profound points I've discovered about recovery.  If we want to not only recover, but be free and delivered from whatever your compulsive behavior is, we need to get to the point to where you love Christ more than you do your junk.  As Francis Chan puts it in his book entitled 'Crazy Love', we have to fall head over heels in love with Jesus!   
     
Yes, He gives us the tools to use like CR, twelve steps, counseling, and so forth, but that will only take you so far as statistics show.     
                                                                               
The Angola Penitentiary, in Louisiana, was, at one time, the most violent prison in the country.  For the past 20+ years the Christian warden there has implemented a faith based program for the inmates. 
                                                                                                                                       
Out of an inmate population of 5,000, 2,000 are born again.  That, in itself is incredible because the average born again population in prison is about 10%.  For the past 20+ years the inmates that have left the institution that are not born again, have a recidivism rate of about 80%.  The born again inmates that have left Angola have a recidivism rate of 15%.
                                                                                                                             
Before I went to Coleman, I loved Jesus Christ, but after my experience there, I fell in love with Him and was able to reach that point of loving Him more than my compulsive behavior.     

In fact, one of the first things I did upon my release in November of 2005 was buy myself another wedding ring.  I now wear two wedding rings, the one closest to my hand is His and the other one is Linda's.

Five months prior to my release, with everything seeming to be coming together like clockwork, the enemy took the opportunity to rear his ugly head big time!  I called home one evening and found out that the Cape Coral City Council voted to start sending notification letters to all the neighbors of any sex offenders living in the neighborhood.  Because of this, my wife and son did not want me to come home because of the obvious problems that these letters could present.  Needless to say, I was devastated, confused and upset with God.  He had been training me to be the godly husband and father He wanted me to be, and now this?     
                                                                                             
I went through some intense spiritual warfare which developed into a chemical imbalance of anxiety.  It was, without a doubt, the worst 3 months of my life.  However I never turned away from God as I saw His hand working almost immediately. 

Right away I received two offers for a place to stay and a job opportunity waiting on my return.  Praise God!  He also promised me that I would eventually be back with my family and be involved in music/ministry.  I stood on those promises even when it didn't 'feel' like they were materializing.  Although I had nothing left to be anxious about, the anxiety had developed into a chemical imbalance that plagued me for 3 months.       
I only slept a maximum of one hour every 24 hours and the only way to describe what I was feeling was to say it was like a loud buzzing sound that I couldn't hear, but I could only feel.                   
                                                                                                                                         
I want to take a minute to say to ANYONE who is suffering any similar symptoms of the physical imbalance that I went through, don't believe the lies from Satan, like I did for 3 months, that if we are TRULY Christ followers, we should be able to pray the imbalance away.  If we seek medical treatment and medication, that means we are not truly Christians. 

That's one of the enemy's many favorite lies.  I believed it for 3 months until a brother in my dorm told me that if we have any other physical problem, yes we pray continuously, but we also go to the doctor for treatment.

I was released on November 4th 2005 and went to stay with friends from church.  I also started my job at an adult day stay center.

I began to see why God allowed the notification letters and allowed me to not come home.  He used the letters as the catalyst for me to go elsewhere, not because of any repercussions of the letters, but because He wanted Linda, Taylor, and I, to get to know each other again before I moved back home.

I stayed with a married couple, from church, for 7 months when the Holy Spirit made it clear that it was time to go home. The letters continued with absolutely zero negativity or repercussions whatsoever, to this day, because of the King of Kings.

In May of 2007 I was laid off of my job at Millennium House and God began leading me to the one of the music/ministries He had planned for me.  As I searched for jobs He reminded me of the fact that I used to entertain the clients at Millennium House with my guitar and song.  I started putting my name out to the assisted living facilities, nursing homes, and adult day care centers and God started opening doors at an incredible rate.   
I bought some equipment and set up a music ministry/business that has now given me an opportunity to minister and witness to the folks who are often forgotten about.   
   
In addition to supplementing the family income, this ministry also provides me the opportunity to take care of all the household chores, shopping, and errands. I've been doing that business/ministry for 7 plus years now.

The beauty of that is that it relieves Linda of all that responsibility and extra stress and gives her more free time in her life.  Lord knows she deserves any and everything I can do to serve her for standing on her vows the way she did.  Linda stood, in the gap, despite the living hell that Jack the heathen put her through.  I will never ever lose perspective of that.

As the Holy Spirit and I sat down to prepare this testimony, He gave me clear instructions concerning the work He did in our marriage.  He wanted me to share not only what He did, but why!  He wanted me to say that the only credit Linda and I get, is the fact that we both surrendered our marriage to Him, and we were willing to live our marriage from His perspective. If either one of us could claim credit, for anything beyond surrender, it would be Linda.  My sin gave her an out for divorce from God's perspective. She was the victim.  Instead of taking that out, she decided to stand on her vows, stand in the gap, and see how I would respond to God.  He makes it very clear how we are expected to live as husband and wife in the book of Ephesians and Corinthians.   God also takes vows we make to Him very serious and will hold us accountable to them. 

Now the beauty of our decision to surrender and submit was this. God did not restore our marriage, because our marriage was not a GODLY marriage.  No, God did not restore our marriage He transformed it into a marriage that is 100 times better than what we had before, despite all the baggage that we carry because of my past sin.  Our marriage and lives are better now than they have ever been and He gets all the credit and glory for it all.  He wants to make it clear, that both partners need to be willing to surrender and submit.  It's not going to work with just one.   


I hear story after story of the devastation that has happened in marriages because of the fact that one or both spouses choose not to be obedient.  If both partners have surrendered their marriage, part of that healing is that He expects the guilty spouse to confess and repent and the victim to forgive. 

If those choices aren't made, then our marriages have no shot.  If we choose to live in willful disobedience, not only should we not expect blessings, but He says there will be consequences for it.  His wrath is as divine as His grace!     

The Holy Spirit also wanted me to share that surrendering and submitting are choices we make and have nothing to do with our feelings.  He does not want us to base our choices and decisions on our feelings, because our feelings will lie to us more than not.  Our feelings is another one of the biggest tools the enemy will use against us. 

Does this mean our marriage never has problems in it, now that we've surrendered and submitted?   Absolutely not!       
                                                                               
The enemy will continue to use our flesh to battle the Spirit until his time runs out.  The only difference in our marriage now, when it comes to strife, is that we will not go to bed until any and all issues are resolved.  If we have to sit down at the dining room table with Bibles open to do so, then that's what we do.  There are so many marriages that have been busted and broken for a lot less than what our marriage has survived, all we did was get on our knees and say,  "God we can't do this anymore, it's time for you take the wheel."

Greg Laurie who is a pastor out in California summarized it best.  He will only counsel a couple that comes to him, if they are willing to surrender their marriage to Christ, submitting to His will and perspective of marriage as He spells out in His Word.  If they are unwilling to do that, then he tells them he cannot help them because he will not counsel any marriage outside of God's will, and that they need to pursue secular counseling at that point.                                     

I finished my probation period on November 3rd of this 2008.  During my probation I had to attend a secular group that I was, at first, not happy about, mainly because the counselors there did not want to hear about Jesus and what He did for me. That was a huge problem for me, because if you want me to talk about my life and recovery, but leave Jesus out of the discussion, then I don't have a whole lot to say.     

However, God used the opportunity to fulfill the plans and purposes He had for me at the time.  As it turned out, I was able to end up witnessing there regardless, throughout the three years, and became an example of hope to the other men.  Praise God again!
God has led me to a wonderful praise band recovery ministry, and along with this ministry and the nursing home ministry, God has certainly fulfilled His plans for that part of my life!!

I am certain that part of what God wants me to do, is to witness and testify for Him, and help other men who struggle with this darkness and bondage, in hopes of being able to assist them with their recovery, keeping them on this side of the legal system and, most importantly, letting them know about Jesus. 

The federal system has really tightened the consequences of this offense to the point that if I had been convicted of my offense 30 months later, I would have been mandated to a 5 year minimum prison sentence and lifetime probation.  Praise God again!   
             
Despite all of that, I refuse to acknowledge the world's definition of who I am, by labeling or calling myself a sex offender.  I committed a sexual offense 10 years ago, but I am now a new creation in Christ, and will live my life according to His definition of who I am.

I also believe Christ wants to use me, and other men like myself, to help de-stigmatize the perception of this addiction and the many offenses and areas that fall under the umbrella of the addiction.         

I learned from a seminar I attended a few years ago, that the sex/pornography industry generates more revenue in one year, than Major League football, baseball, and basketball combined!     

I believe the reason that statistic exists, is because God created, us men, to be very 'visual' creatures, and even though not ALL men suffer with sexual addiction, MOST men struggle with some type of sexual immorality if they were to be completely truthful and transparent.   
                 
The world has conditioned us to believe that sexual immorality, is pretty much confined to aggressive, abusive rape, or child molestation.  Any sexual activity beyond that is normal and okay, as is displayed in the world's attempt, and some success, to legalize same sex marriage! The irony of that is, that sexual immorality is one of the few sins God tells us to 'run from', and that the sin of sexual immorality, is mentioned more in the Bible than any other sin.  From God's perspective, anyone who has had sex outside of marriage and/or is engaged in any type of sexual immorality,  has committed a sexual offense.   
         
Fortunately for us, He is full of love and forgiveness, despite our wretchedness, as long as we say yes to His free gift of grace and mercy; and surrender and submit to His will.
I say to the folks here that are struggling with this darkness but don't have the courage to come forward and have never said yes to Jesus.                                                               

We can use these tools He's given us such as the 12 steps, counseling, and the groups, until the cows come home, but if we don't say yes to Christ and develop a love for, and a relationship with Him, we'll never be free.  We can struggle and maintain sobriety, but we'll never be free!  We have to get to that point where we love Him, more than we love our sin.  I can say this with conviction, passion, experience, and authority, because I've walked the gauntlet.   

A demonstration of God's promises in my life for restoration are shown, not only through MY life, but through the life of Linda and Taylor.
   
He promised Linda a job that would allow her plenty of time off and a whole lot less stress in her life, so she could continue her role in the Kairos Outside ministry that she has been a part of for several years.  She received her new job, and is now on a leadership tract that will have her leading a weekend in October.  For those of you who don't know, Kairos Outside is a ministry for the women who have, or have had, loved ones incarcerated.

My niece attended the weekend this past October, after giving her life to Christ a few months earlier.  Her husband is doing a 15 year sentence at the Charlotte Correctional Facility, and he has also surrendered to Christ and will attend the next Kairos Inside weekend for the men!  God has also given me the privilege of mentoring him via snail mail!   

My son Taylor graduated from the University of Florida, in 3 years, with a Bachelor of Science degree, walked right into a job as Director of Youth Ministries at Grace Church, and is currently taking an online seminary course to be a pastor!

All this was done in HIS time, not ours!  He WILL come through provided we are truly born again, and live a life of conscious obedience to Him!   

Jesus said in Matthew 7:13,14    "You can enter God's Kingdom only through the narrow gate. The highway to hell is broad, and its gate is wide for the many who choose that way. But the gateway to life is very narrow and the road is difficult, and only a few ever find it."

If you haven't already, make your decision this evening to be one of the few, traveling on the narrow road entering through the narrow gate.                           

Don't be deceived by the enemy thinking we can confess with our mouths, and continue to live our lives like we did before Christ, because He has already paid for your sins.  There is no such thing as fire insurance.  Scripture makes it clear that we cannot confess Christ,  continue to live in wordly, willful disobedience, and assume to be 'born again'.  It doesn't work that way.   

If we confess with your mouths AND believe in our hearts, we will be changed and won't want to live our lives like we used to live!  Those are the ones who are truly born again!

Today is the day of salvation!  Don't leave her unsure or undecided!     

Many people think they will coast through their lives, living it how THEY want to live, and surrender on their death beds in the 11th hour.  After my 61 years, and my 14+ years of walking with Christ, I have seen many, many folk that did not get an 11th hour.  My father was one of those folk.  Our lives can be taken in an instant!   Each breath God gives us is a privilege. 

Because of what Christ did, we now have an opportunity to 'choose' where we spend eternity.  Even if we were to believe that there is only a 1% chance that there is a hell, is it really worth it to gamble with that 1%??           
                                                                       
My name is Jack and I'm a Christian who's been delivered from sexual addiction by the grace of God and all the wonderful people, tools, and opportunities He's given me in the last 14+ years.  Thank you all for being here and letting me share.  God bless you and remember that Jesus loves you and so do I.       

[JGPS100]

Blaise Pascal, who, in the 1700s, was an atheist French mathematician, who became born again, once said that everyone of us has a 'God shaped hole' in our hearts that can only be filled with Christ.  Looking back, I can see now that I was trying to fill the hole in my heart, with sex, drugs, and anger.

I love Pascals work, both his practical math and spirutal works.

Anyway, I'll pray God uses you well. Bless you.

[ForgivenWon]

I am recovering.  I work swing shift 2nd two days and 8p-8a.  My addition has lead to panic attacks which I ended up going to the the emergency room twice.  This gets expensive as I mainly pay off my bill a little at a time.  The addition makes life frightening as I have truely realized how slipping back into after a short period has caused me to worry excesively.  I use covenant eyes and as resources,  The thought that this could destroy me by stealing my free time and keeping me from taking care of family matters (which I may eventually talk about) shook me to my core.  I have all of theses "what ifs" come up and I catastrophize    The journey to gain control over it has been exhausting, and emotionally draining.    What compounds it is the time I have at home bored, but I am learning to keep myself busy.  2Timothy 2:22  Links removed per forum rules

[ForgivenWon]

Sorry about the link.  Calligraphy is helping me out.  I have managed to get write the first two chapters of Acts in my spare time as well as put verses the preacher at the congregation I attend into calligraphy. Read and the writting helps with memorization and application.