Unhappy with sex

[thato]

Hi All
I am posting this to find out if there any wives who have a similar problem and can offer some advise.
I have been married for two years. My husband & I have problems, the main one (in my opinion) is intimacy. I do not enjoy sex with my husband because of his approach. There is no kissing, caressing / touching before the deed, he jumps into bed and gets straight to it! I have tried to sensitively speak to him about my concerns that as a lady I need to be "ready" for him to enjoy it and feel more sexually connected to him if we kiss and play before sex but that turned into a big fight - he felt what I was saying is that he is raping me and that I am comparing him to past partners (however I never said anything like that) and he gave me the silent treatment for weeks and would not even touch me. I have decided to keep quiet to avoid words being put into my mouth but sex is no longer what we used to have and I feel I am a means to an end for him. Just the thought of it brings me chills because it is done according to his terms, terms which hurt physically and emotionally.

[chosenone]

Oh dear Oh dear. A woman can not usually enjoy sex if there is no 'warming up' as it were. Men are more like a microwave and can heat up fast while women are like slow cookers and need time and attention to be able to enjoy sex at all and as you have found out, and can be left feeling used and frustrated. 
Some men are very sensitive to any perceived 'criticism' even when it is done as you have, out of hurt and desperation, which may be why he got angry.

Would he read books with you?
There are some good Christian books out there about sex in marriage. Three I can think of are
Intended for pleasure by Ed Wheat and Gay Wheat.
Intimacy Ignited by Dillow and Pintus
Celebration of Sex by Dr Douglas E Rosenau.

I am sure there are loads and loads more that are good.

Have you both repented for any partners you have had sex with in the past? Things like that can adversely affect the marriage if they arent dealt with. Also do the same if you had sex with each other before you married. 

[johndoo]

Is the root problem selfishness?
This is so often the case.
Unclear if there is an ego/pride issue because he seems unwilling to learn from the situation.
Certainly compliment anything positive so he hears something good amongst your concerns.
It may take a marriage counselor or a sex therapist to help explain to him in a clear way that this is creating a very bad cycle of problems.

[4WD]

thato,

It seems pretty clear that for your husband, sexual activity is not an activity of love, but simply a release in pent up sexual tension.  I doubt that anything short of professional help is likely to change that.

[DaveW]

It seems pretty clear that for your husband, sexual activity is not an activity of love, but simply a release in pent up sexual tension.  I doubt that anything short of professional help is likely to change that.

I agree.  Find a pastor or christian family counselor and INSIST that he attend with you.

[JohnDB70X7]

Coming from a guy's perspective... you asked for wives, and I respect that, but this may help too.

Do not wait till he's already made up his mind to pounce to bring up the subject. Find something he likes or likes to do. Bring him his favorite snack while watching the game. Wait till a commercial, of course. It doesn't take a diatribe... remember, we guys have a short attention span especially when it comes to topics we are not super psyched about. Something very simple... "I love to do little things like this for you." Maybe the next time repeat it and say, could I ask a small favor of you?"

Unless he's, I dunno, Caligula or something, he'll usually say yes.

"The next time we are about to make love, could we cuddle a bit first? Please? For me?"

In some future time when you have his attention and are doing him some small favor, you might explain "this is how I'm built. It makes me hotter for you and I want to give you my best... all of me, in fact. And just I can't go all out without warming up first. I have tried. You don't race a car engine until it has been warmed up. That's all I'm asking. So I can please you."

Some are just selfish and don't care. I hope that's not the case with your husband. But us clueless guys just need some explanation in ways we will listen and understand.

My wife got through my noggin and WOW what great sexual experiences we have had for many years. And she understood there were times when I just had to have a quicky and that the mountaintop experiences with her knight in shining armor could not be each and every time (and still have me interested). Give and take... but mostly give (on both parts) works best.

Hope this helps.

God bless you both!