Porn is ruining my marriage

[kerryanne]

I have been with my husband for 12 yrs this yr with 3 children and we always have the same fights for the same problem his porn we are both christians and i know he struggles with it but everytime i think we have overcome it i realize its still there at first i felt so hurt like it was all my fault i wasn't good enough an i felt so insecure with myself  i felt betrayed an angry and he would lie about it so much an i felt as though it had to be me but as i walked closer to God i knew it wasn't the truth but yet i still can't help but ask what am i doing wrong he knows how hurt i feel he substitutes our sex life for this instead and when i try he refuses me he's tired and i feel rejected i would understand if i said no to him and he had to resort to it but i give him my all everytime no matter how tired i may be but he can't shake it and i end up feeling so rejected and alone as a christian i have prayed and this seems like a constant struggle dealing with a 2nd woman i can't compete with who's not even real i have discuss this with him many times and he knows how I feel i even had him watch the movie Fireproof hoping it would change him he spends so much of his sexual energy on porn that there is nothing left for me and and i'm left feeling unfulfilled and wanting the love and affection of my husband and don't know what to do anymore and my faith is failing i'm scared this may end my marriage

[chosenone]

Hi kerryanne

I am so sorry that you are having to face this. Many marriages have ended because of serious porn(I know of two myself).

A lady I know got so desperate, she gave her husband an ultimatum, the porn or the marriage. She had made her mind up to leave, and guess what, he stopped once he knew she was serious, which goes to show that  its perfectly possible  to stop when you want to.
You may have to do the same to be honest after all this time. Its unlikely he will stop on his own.

He needs one or two men from church to be his accountability partners, and who can challenge him. This will be deeply affecting his faith as well as seriously damaging the marriage. Also down load porn blockers, agree that he will only use the computer/phone in the living room of the house, remove it from any other room. he can give you full access to his computer etc with passwords.

I admire you for being able to carrying on having sex despite his porn use, that must be hard for you with him being unfaithful. He is depriving you of sex and focusing all of his sexual energies on other women, and to be honest after 12 years he is unlikely to stop unless  he has to.

Some good Christian counselling may also help you both, but you do need to make a stand in my opinion.

[pzlehr]

I have read of some places online (names escape me now) where the man sees he has a problem and signs up for this program where he designates someone (a Christian at church, someone who will keep him acountable) to monitor his online usage.  Everyday the friend gets sent a readout of the husbands whereabouts online.  If it's questionable he calls him on it.  This software can be used on the phone,tablet or pc.  Ok, I remember now, Covenant Eyes!  Could be a help  :)

[rmcbdd14]

I caught my husband watching porn and it was a horrible feeling 
When husbands watch porn, it makes you think that you are not good enough. It makes you think that you don't have the "body type" your husband secretly desires. Porn makes you think that you can't satisfy your husband sexually. Porn sucks! I wish husbands would think twice before they watch porn. They should consider their wife's feelings.  Porn is sinful and ruins relationships.  Porn ruins lives.  There was a girl that graduated from my daughter's high school last year that flew to Florida and joined the porn industry. Porn ruined her.  She is now back home with her parents, but she is a damaged girl.  She has been traumatized by the porn industry.  I really wised the government would ban porn and make it illegal.  Porn breeds perverted behavior, encourages sex crimes, and promotes the use of human bodies as sex objects.  Nothing good ever comes from porn. 

I would demand my husband stop watching porn. If he doesn't stop, I would file for divorce. 

[Buster D Body Crab]

He's committing video and on-line adultery you realize.
Fantasizing over other women committing sex acts while he watches as a voyeur and in his mind imagines himself in the picture.
The scriptures tell him if a married man looks on another woman with lust in his heart he's committing adultery.
And he's Christian? Repeatedly committing the sin of adultery? The scriptures also say that is valid grounds for divorce just so you know.

Besides the disrespect he shows you every time he tunes in and turns on, he's proving himself unrepentant for his repeated sin.

When you say "it's still there" , are you talking about porn DVD's?  If so, when he's away collect them all and throw them in the trash. Not your home trash because he'll be able to retrieve them. And will in all likelihood. Collect them in a trash bag and drive them to an alley behind a retail spot where there are dumpsters and toss them in.

If he accesses porn via the Net there are child protection software sites that you can access for free. You can install a program that blocks his reach of porn sites. Password protected. Keep that password in a place he'd never think to look. And if you really want to find out what's up don't tell him you did that and see if he comes to you about not being able to get on-line.
Also there are porn blockers themselves. Many browsers have those as "Add-ons" or as "Extensions" . Just search, porn blocker, and check them out.

Remember one thing if nothing else. It isn't you! It's him all the way. It isn't that you're not good enough, you don't have the hot body that would keep his attention, etc... It is him wanting to fool around and this is his way of doing that in what he thinks is not the same as physical cheating. However, it can lead to that because a guy wants to do what he's only seen others do in those movies. And one can only superimpose themselves in their imagination into a porn scene for so long without the actual physical full on experience that that would accomplish were it a real encounter.
If he travels for business be wary. If he's not faithful to you through audio visual methods of cheating you can't be sure he's not already going to that real physical level with someone.

But again, it isn't you. It's him! He's got the problem not you. You have the problem with his being unfaithful because he fools around via porn. But that isn't because you aren't good enough. It's because he isn't. He isn't good enough a faithful husband. And he certainly isn't living what it means to be Christian.

If he accesses porn on his phone, which he could if/when you destroy all other avenues accessible to him now; Internet and his DVD collection, check and see if your cell provider has a blocker available. If so and if you can subscribe it to his phone do so.

  My prayers are with you.

I have been with my husband for 12 yrs this yr with 3 children and we always have the same fights for the same problem his porn we are both christians and i know he struggles with it but everytime i think we have overcome it i realize its still there at first i felt so hurt like it was all my fault i wasn't good enough an i felt so insecure with myself  i felt betrayed an angry and he would lie about it so much an i felt as though it had to be me but as i walked closer to God i knew it wasn't the truth but yet i still can't help but ask what am i doing wrong he knows how hurt i feel he substitutes our sex life for this instead and when i try he refuses me he's tired and i feel rejected i would understand if i said no to him and he had to resort to it but i give him my all everytime no matter how tired i may be but he can't shake it and i end up feeling so rejected and alone as a christian i have prayed and this seems like a constant struggle dealing with a 2nd woman i can't compete with who's not even real i have discuss this with him many times and he knows how I feel i even had him watch the movie Fireproof hoping it would change him he spends so much of his sexual energy on porn that there is nothing left for me and and i'm left feeling unfulfilled and wanting the love and affection of my husband and don't know what to do anymore and my faith is failing i'm scared this may end my marriage

[MinisterDGJR]

Hi Kerryanne,

I'm sorry to hear about how your husband's appetite for pornography is negatively impacting your marriage.  I counsel many men (husband's included) who are struggling with this stronghold. I talk at length about this in my book entitled, "Loving Her Means Loving HIM".  I provided an excerpt below.  Be encouraged in the faith...you and your husband are in my prayers.

                                                                QUIT THE PORN

I have spoken with many husbands who struggle with this issue and I have heard many a wife lament over the fact that their husband has an addiction to pornography.  It goes without saying that pornography is a form of sexual perversion and it has the potential to become a spiritual stronghold in a marriage.  I could use this as an opportunity to speak profoundly about the spiritual implications of watching pornography while providing you with a myriad of scriptures that talk about the lust of the flesh.  However, I will spare you those details.  What is paramount in this moment, as it relates the seriousness of this topic, is that we husbands engage in some real-talk about the damaging effects porn has on our psyche and its destructive impact on our marriages. 
     Let me first preface my argument by stating that bringing porn into a relationship is not healthy at all.  It's like bringing another woman into your marriage, except she's glossy and airbrushed.  Without divulging too much of my past, I will admit that in a previous marriage I experienced the adrenaline rush and excitement when I discovered that my spouse actually enjoyed watching porn with me.  It was even a turn on.  Over time, I began to realize the negative impact it was starting to have on our marriage.  It took a long time for me to fully understand the damage that I was doing to myself, and the disservice I was doing to my wife.  There is no way that my wife and I could ever compare to the actors performing the acts we were watching on the screen.  While you are watching porn you don't think about the reality that the majority of those sex scenes are not done in the same sitting (if even the same day).  There are dozens of takes, and position changes that have to be considered.  The scenes are edited, formatted, and re-edited, and sometimes the actors have to go back to do part of the scene again because the producer came up with a new idea for the ending! 
     No, all we see is the finished product with an enticing title and provocative images on the DVD jacket cover and we think that's what really took place.  As a husband I had to consider the thought of my wife performing some of those acts that would have not only caused her physical discomfort, but serious internal damage, and even hemorrhaging.  That DVD case sitting on your Blueray player doesn't provide a disclaimer that the porn actress had to have several surgeries to stitch up areas on her body that were never meant for that type of violent penetration.  It doesn't disclose the fact that the male actor had to take several enhancement pills and received numerous injections to certain parts of his anatomy in order to "rise to the occasion". 
     One thing that my wife made clear, once we got married, was that there were certain areas of sexual engagement that would be off limits once we were married.  I initially felt some kind of way about her taking this stern position, because I had spent so many years feeding that particular part of myself, and I pretty much assumed that she would be able to accommodate me.  Let's just say that the conversation was reminiscent of the scene in the Color Purple where Sophia comes stomping through the cornfield to confront Selie.  I can just imagine my wife saying, "I loves Donald. Lord knows I do...but I'll kill'em dead if he ever tries ____ on me!! LOL
     I know that may be funny, but the sad reality is that the consistent viewing of pornography will eventually cause the natural desire and urge for intimacy that God has already placed in you for your wife to erode.  Watching porn actually desensitizes you from the reality of having a living and loving spouse who should be your primary object of affection.  From your wife's perspective, porn also creates an unrealistic expectation about her libido, her body, and her comfort level with engaging in unorthodox or sadistic sexual activity that you may desire.  Pretty soon you'll find that your wife isn't satisfying you and your eyes will start to wander.  Again I refer you back to Proverbs 6:27, "Can a man take fire into his bosom without getting burned?"  By all means...dump the porn.

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