She wants divorce but wants to help me

[ForATime]

We are living in separate houses. She wants to divorce.
She emailed to say she feels compelled to help me (I didn't ask for help).
A few days later she wrote about looking after me

I don't get it..

[johndoo]

Sounds like she is having conflicting thoughts.
Is there still an ongoing discussion about the marriage?  Going to counseling?

[chosenone]

YOu need to ask her what she means by that. Communication is the key here. Is there any reason why you need looking after?

[ForATime]

This is the current discussion about the marriage.
She set rules to only discuss our kids then broke her own rules with this.
She said she is going to individual counseling.
I do not need looking after. She has made remarks about housework.
She has now said "why can't we be separate and be nice to each other?"
She is not currently using the D word but also not talking reconciliation.
It seems like a a long separation is a possibility.
Nearly 100 days since she called for a divorce (based on her incorrect perception that I wanted divorce)

[ForATime]

She had told me to wait for divorce papers from her lawyer.
She has now told me that she can't afford a lawyer.
She wants to discuss other matters but won't address what is happening with our relationship.
Any tips besides serving her (as I don't want to divorce)?

[chosenone]

Sounds as if she hasnt a clue about what she does want, but if she refuses to talk about the marriage, all you can do is pray and hang on in there.
Have you told her that you dont want a divorce and that you wont do anything to enable it?

[Texas Conservative]

Sounds as if she hasnt a clue about what she does want, but if she refuses to talk about the marriage, all you can do is pray and hang on in there.
Have you told her that you dont want a divorce and that you wont do anything to enable it?

I would say she does know what she wants.  A divorce.  I believe guilt is keeping her from doing it at this point.  It won't keep her from doing it forever though.

[ForATime]

Sounds as if she hasnt a clue about what she does want, but if she refuses to talk about the marriage, all you can do is pray and hang on in there.
Have you told her that you dont want a divorce and that you wont do anything to enable it?

Yes I have been very clear & direct both written & spoken. Consistent.
Thanks for encouraging me

[ForATime]

Sounds as if she hasnt a clue about what she does want, but if she refuses to talk about the marriage, all you can do is pray and hang on in there.
Have you told her that you dont want a divorce and that you wont do anything to enable it?

I would say she does know what she wants.  A divorce.  I believe guilt is keeping her from doing it at this point.  It won't keep her from doing it forever though.

I'm not as confident on that one as you.
I'm curious about guilt. Tell me more?

[Texas Conservative]

Sounds as if she hasnt a clue about what she does want, but if she refuses to talk about the marriage, all you can do is pray and hang on in there.
Have you told her that you dont want a divorce and that you wont do anything to enable it?

I would say she does know what she wants.  A divorce.  I believe guilt is keeping her from doing it at this point.  It won't keep her from doing it forever though.

I'm not as confident on that one as you.
I'm curious about guilt. Tell me more?

Guilt?  She knows she is wrong.

Wanting a divorce?  Has had contact with other men.  Isn't living with you.  Told you she had an attorney.  I know you don't want the marriage to end, but you are blinding yourself.  Step back and look at all that you have posted objectively as if someone else had written these posts.  She wants out.

[ForATime]

Sounds as if she hasnt a clue about what she does want, but if she refuses to talk about the marriage, all you can do is pray and hang on in there.
Have you told her that you dont want a divorce and that you wont do anything to enable it?

I would say she does know what she wants.  A divorce.  I believe guilt is keeping her from doing it at this point.  It won't keep her from doing it forever though.

I'm not as confident on that one as you.
I'm curious about guilt. Tell me more?

Guilt?  She knows she is wrong.

Wanting a divorce?  Has had contact with other men.  Isn't living with you.  Told you she had an attorney.  I know you don't want the marriage to end, but you are blinding yourself.  Step back and look at all that you have posted objectively as if someone else had written these posts.  She wants out.

If she wants out then why haven't I been served? It takes a day to apply and serve in our country. You don't even need an attorney plus she qualifies for a heavy discount. It can be done online.
It's day 98.

She doesn't have an attorney.

To avoid blindness I am open to other points of view on this forum.

In the meantime, I will do what I can to be healthy and fight for our marriage.

[chosenone]

Sounds as if she hasnt a clue about what she does want, but if she refuses to talk about the marriage, all you can do is pray and hang on in there.
Have you told her that you dont want a divorce and that you wont do anything to enable it?

I would say she does know what she wants.  A divorce.  I believe guilt is keeping her from doing it at this point.  It won't keep her from doing it forever though.

I'm not as confident on that one as you.
I'm curious about guilt. Tell me more?

Guilt?  She knows she is wrong.

Wanting a divorce?  Has had contact with other men.  Isn't living with you.  Told you she had an attorney.  I know you don't want the marriage to end, but you are blinding yourself.  Step back and look at all that you have posted objectively as if someone else had written these posts.  She wants out.

If she wants out then why haven't I been served? It takes a day to apply and serve in our country. You don't even need an attorney plus she qualifies for a heavy discount. It can be done online.
It's day 98.

She doesn't have an attorney.

To avoid blindness I am open to other points of view on this forum.

In the meantime, I will do what I can to be healthy and fight for our marriage.

IN my experience if women want a divorce they will set it in motion. Until the day any divorce is final there is hope, so ask God to save your marriage, and after that keep thanking him for saving the marriage. Even if her heart stays hard and she does go though with it, you yourself act at all time with decency, fairness and integrity(while not being a door mat) and God will bring good out of the horrible situation and bless you for it. 

[ForATime]

Thanks for the encouragement.

So now she wants me to change and won't discuss or act on divorce

[chosenone]

Thanks for the encouragement.

So now she wants me to change and won't discuss or act on divorce

OK sounds like what happened with my husband and his ex. 

Apparently everything was his fault and she said he 'needed to change' while they had a years separation. Trouble is he didnt know what he was doing wrong or how he was supposed to change, so nothing really happened. They got back together for a year, and then she met another man who she thought was 'the one', but that didnt work either.  

IF she wants thing in the marriage to change, then she surely needs to agree to marriage counselling and also to recognise that she too maybe needs to work on things. 

[ForATime]

Yep. I do need to change.

It is an unfamiliar journey to navigate when it flip flops between we are getting divorced and I want to help you or you will hear from my solicitor to I can't afford a solicitor and back again.

Good will come from the process. Just waiting to see what that looks like.

[Link]

For A Time,

I don't know if you shared details on a thread I didn't read, but what exactly does she want a divorce?  Have you done anything really 'big' like had a physical affair, an online girlfriend, or done anything violent or had a substance abuse problem?

Women can always find things they want to change about their husbands, especially women who tend to be critical. 

I'm really blessed with my wife, and she's become a better and better wife over the years.  But many years ago, she could be critical toward me, and the Lord did deal with her about that and convict her of her attitude toward me in a number of areas.  She'd stand around weeping about it from time to time for a few weeks.  When she got angry before, a few times, she threatened divorce.  She apologized later.  But when she threatens that, I don't agree with her.  I say no to it, or you won't do that because it's wrong, or something like that.  I'd take the stance that I forbade her to divorce me.  It sounds silly since she could get the paperwork if she really wanted to, but it was during an argument.  In my wife's case, it was my wife's temper, something she said in the moment, rather than a cold calculated thing she had been planning.

Some people say, "fine, if you want a divorce, let's get one" or something like that. T Then they slam doors and both of them are too proud to reconcile, or one of them is. 

The husband is the head in the marriage.  Sometimes that means you make the decision. She doesn't know what she wants, so you make the decision.  You could try telling her you two aren't getting a divorce. 

Are you both Christians?  I've heard that while, in the US, the divorce rate among professing evangelicals and the world is about the same, that far less than 1% of married couples who regularly pray together get divorced.  You can pray with her and read the Bible with her.

If she's a believer who is serious about her faith, then you may be able to reason with her from the Bible.  If she wants a divorce because she doesn't feel like you are 'the one', that's not a Biblical line of reasoning.  The Bible doesn't teach us to divorce and find 'the one.'  It teaches us to love the person we are married to. 

You can also lead her in prayer and a time of confessing sins to one another and forgiving one another.  Talk through anything either of you has against the other. 

[ForATime]

For A Time,

I don't know if you shared details on a thread I didn't read, but what exactly does she want a divorce?  Have you done anything really 'big' like had a physical affair, an online girlfriend, or done anything violent or had a substance abuse problem?

Women can always find things they want to change about their husbands, especially women who tend to be critical. 

I'm really blessed with my wife, and she's become a better and better wife over the years.  But many years ago, she could be critical toward me, and the Lord did deal with her about that and convict her of her attitude toward me in a number of areas.  She'd stand around weeping about it from time to time for a few weeks.  When she got angry before, a few times, she threatened divorce.  She apologized later.  But when she threatens that, I don't agree with her.  I say no to it, or you won't do that because it's wrong, or something like that.  I'd take the stance that I forbade her to divorce me.  It sounds silly since she could get the paperwork if she really wanted to, but it was during an argument.  In my wife's case, it was my wife's temper, something she said in the moment, rather than a cold calculated thing she had been planning.

Some people say, "fine, if you want a divorce, let's get one" or something like that. T Then they slam doors and both of them are too proud to reconcile, or one of them is. 

The husband is the head in the marriage.  Sometimes that means you make the decision. She doesn't know what she wants, so you make the decision.  You could try telling her you two aren't getting a divorce. 

Are you both Christians?  I've heard that while, in the US, the divorce rate among professing evangelicals and the world is about the same, that far less than 1% of married couples who regularly pray together get divorced.  You can pray with her and read the Bible with her.

If she's a believer who is serious about her faith, then you may be able to reason with her from the Bible.  If she wants a divorce because she doesn't feel like you are 'the one', that's not a Biblical line of reasoning.  The Bible doesn't teach us to divorce and find 'the one.'  It teaches us to love the person we are married to. 

You can also lead her in prayer and a time of confessing sins to one another and forgiving one another.  Talk through anything either of you has against the other.

I haven't done the things you listed. Yes she is highly critical.

She does not want to pray together or read the Bible together. She has requested that i stop praying for her.

I did tell her a few months ago that we are not getting a divorce.

A few days ago she suggested that I make the application. I told her that I will not as I don't want it.

[JohnDB70X7]

What do you need to change?

[ForATime]

Many things.

How about you?

[ForATime]

2 days ago I said goodbye to our kids inside and they walked out to my wife to get in her car.

Instead of driving off she came to the door to tell me that she felt like I was brushing her off.

This is so unfamiliar to navigate

[ForATime]

Home cooking has now been delivered

[Buster D Body Crab]

How are you feeling lately?

Personally, I'm of a mind you can't hold onto that which wants to be let go of. A relationship is two people together. Not one who does everything they can to send you the message they don't want to be "us" anymore.
How's she get into the caretaker mode when she wants out of that role as wife?

She tells you she wants you to stop praying for her, she doesn't want to do anything to reconcile the marriage, unite in a Godly fashion as couple and family. And yet she feeds you?

I'm the direct type so go with it for a bit here. 
If I were you I'd not eat what she cooks me. I'd also reflect on whether or not I have a life insurance policy in force still.
You tell her you don't want a divorce. She wants one. But she cooks for you.
If you die while married and you have a life insurance policy she gets twice what she wanted in the first place. She's rid of you as husband, though not the divorce route.
And, if you have a life insurance policy and she's beneficiary, she get's paid for her trouble.

That's why I asked, how are you feeling since she's been cooking for you and you've been in this separated situation?

Lastly, and I know that can be upsetting, but you did ask for advice here and I've seen a lot in 30+ years, realize that you can't stop her from getting a divorce if she really wants one.

She can file for divorce, have a child custody arrangement attached, have you served with the papers, and if you refuse the service, her petition in full is granted because you're a "non-respondent". Which means, you didn't contest so you instead consented by remaining quiet to her petition.

For A Time,

I don't know if you shared details on a thread I didn't read, but what exactly does she want a divorce?  Have you done anything really 'big' like had a physical affair, an online girlfriend, or done anything violent or had a substance abuse problem?

Women can always find things they want to change about their husbands, especially women who tend to be critical. 

I'm really blessed with my wife, and she's become a better and better wife over the years.  But many years ago, she could be critical toward me, and the Lord did deal with her about that and convict her of her attitude toward me in a number of areas.  She'd stand around weeping about it from time to time for a few weeks.  When she got angry before, a few times, she threatened divorce.  She apologized later.  But when she threatens that, I don't agree with her.  I say no to it, or you won't do that because it's wrong, or something like that.  I'd take the stance that I forbade her to divorce me.  It sounds silly since she could get the paperwork if she really wanted to, but it was during an argument.  In my wife's case, it was my wife's temper, something she said in the moment, rather than a cold calculated thing she had been planning.

Some people say, "fine, if you want a divorce, let's get one" or something like that. T Then they slam doors and both of them are too proud to reconcile, or one of them is. 

The husband is the head in the marriage.  Sometimes that means you make the decision. She doesn't know what she wants, so you make the decision.  You could try telling her you two aren't getting a divorce. 

Are you both Christians?  I've heard that while, in the US, the divorce rate among professing evangelicals and the world is about the same, that far less than 1% of married couples who regularly pray together get divorced.  You can pray with her and read the Bible with her.

If she's a believer who is serious about her faith, then you may be able to reason with her from the Bible.  If she wants a divorce because she doesn't feel like you are 'the one', that's not a Biblical line of reasoning.  The Bible doesn't teach us to divorce and find 'the one.'  It teaches us to love the person we are married to. 

You can also lead her in prayer and a time of confessing sins to one another and forgiving one another.  Talk through anything either of you has against the other.

I haven't done the things you listed. Yes she is highly critical.

She does not want to pray together or read the Bible together. She has requested that i stop praying for her.

I did tell her a few months ago that we are not getting a divorce.

A few days ago she suggested that I make the application. I told her that I will not as I don't want it.

[ForATime]

She hasn't mentioned divorce for about 3 weeks.

I look forward to posting tomorrow to let you know how yum dinner was.

One piece of your legal advice is not correct for my jurisdiction

[chosenone]

I think she needs to make her mind up what she wants to be honest. She is blowing hot and cold, and apart from anything it must be very confusing for your children. 

[ForATime]

Yes chosenone. 

[Buster D Body Crab]

One piece of your legal advice is not correct for my jurisdiction

If you're in the states I'd be surprised at that. But good luck with your situation. God be with you.

[Texas Conservative]

She hasn't mentioned divorce for about 3 weeks.

I look forward to posting tomorrow to let you know how yum dinner was.

One piece of your legal advice is not correct for my jurisdiction

In my jurisdiction, the complaint for  divorce will not contain a child custody arrangement, but it does have a checkbox type area for what kind of custody you are seeking.  The defendant is given about three weeks to respond.  If there is no response by the defendant, a default judgement will be given.

If it comes to divorce, and you are in the United States, definitely respond.

[Buster D Body Crab]

She hasn't mentioned divorce for about 3 weeks.

I look forward to posting tomorrow to let you know how yum dinner was.

One piece of your legal advice is not correct for my jurisdiction

In my jurisdiction, the complaint for  divorce will not contain a child custody arrangement, but it does have a checkbox type area for what kind of custody you are seeking.  The defendant is given about three weeks to respond.  If there is no response by the defendant, a default judgement will be given.

If it comes to divorce, and you are in the United States, definitely respond.

Exactly.
I won a lawsuit on a debt due me and all to a default judgment when the defendant ignored all the contacts by the court including the service demanding the debt.
I attached his vehicle , the only thing he'd left in his name so that told me he was shady from the start having put everything in his wifes name but that. He paid when he realized his new car was mine.  At a huge profit beyond what he'd owed in the first place.

Always respond when served by any court. In law, "silence equals guilt", as an attorney friend of mine told me once.

[ForATime]

I'm not in USA.
Dinner was yummy. I gave thanks without being over the top. Health good.

[chosenone]

Yes chosenone. 

How about you sit down together and actually ask her what her plans are?

[ForATime]

I think that potential is on the way chosenone

A few weeks ago I wouldn't have thought so but it was an interesting twist when she came to say she was feeling brushed off.

Then she made contact to make delivery when I would actually be home! (Except I wasn't able to be)

So it seems we are edging toward some face to face time. Slowly slowly

[ForATime]

We had another brief face to face since. She was all smiles.
It wasn't appropriate to have a meaningful chat in that setting

[ForATime]

Now she appears to be avoiding again by only answering emails about our kids

[chosenone]

Weird that she feels brushed off, surely its you who have been brushed off. 

Isnt there anyone in your church who can approach her and find out what is going on?

[ForATime]

I feel it chosenone

I have just sent another message to a pastor requesting someone chat to her to mediate these mixed signals

Clarity...