Sexual Intimacy and Hygiene

[JaneyWayney]

Hello Friends,
I am writing because I need your advice, because I want to honour my marriage vows and do what my husband desires. My problem is that my husband does not look after his personal hygeine very well. I do not want to go into details, but he is a big guy and this makes it difficult for him to make sure he is clean all over before going to bed. He finds it difficult to wash himself under all his skin folds for example. I love my husband and he is a good man, but when it comes to intimacy between us, his hygeine issues cause real problems. I have always been raised to be clean, well-presented, and considerate of others so that they do not feel uncomfortable due to odours etc. But my husband says to me that he is just being himself and I shouldnt have a problem with that. I am concerned because i have begun to feel as if he doesnt respect me or consider my needs when it comes to sexual intimacy due to his poor hygeine. How can I address this with him without being seen as a demanding wife? How can I be a good wife to him and submit as the Bible says when I feel so uncomfortable with specific body parts being unclean?

[epiphanius]

Janey,

My first thought was to ask why you don't try showering together before going to bed, so that you could help him with all the places he has trouble reaching.  Then, I thought you probably tried that already, and he has declined again and again, which makes it sound like he has some real issues with his body.

*A lot* of people conflate acceptance of their behavior with acceptance of themselves, and this seems to be the case with your husband, because he says he is "just being himself" and you "shouldn't have a problem with that."  So, it's kind of a "catch-22," where you don't want to be intimate with him unless he changes, and he doesn't want to change.

One question that certainly comes to mind is whether he isn't actually trying to *avoid* getting intimate with you.  This could be due to body issues he had even before he married you, *or* it could be due to his sense of rejection when he felt you were merely "tolerating" him in bed.

Another thought is that you could *try* accepting him "just as he is" (to paraphrase a well-known hymn), and receive him--however imperfect he may be--as a gift from God.  (I know this is a lot to ask, but I had to mention it.)

May God bless you both.

[chosenone]

have you mentioned this to him?