Would you forgive THIS?

[minime5555]

I am wondering if I should try to reconcile with my ex husband. We were married for 15 years and have one daughter who is 10.


We've been divorced for over a year now. And I am in a serious relationship - but feeling very guilty because my daughter continues to beg me to get back together with dad.

My ex is willing to reconcile if I get out of my current relationship, but he refuses therapy and is still very cold to me. He discovered through an online forum (on another site) that I had cheated on him while married. Since the divorce, he has tried to ruin me. Even threatened to press criminal charges against me for using his credit card...after filing divorce. It was accidental (something on file with the company)....but really RUINED me with all of our family and friends.

I didn't have an "affair" but I met my new love within weeks of filing divorce. My ex used this against me and told even my mother that I cheated. Not true - but he jumped to conclusions.  We had talked about divorce MANY times over the past few years...it was not new.  He was addicted to porn and was pretty cold to me...since 2010.

My ex is now offering to have me move back in etc...IF i leave my current relationship. I love my BF SO MUCH -- and I don't know how to be without him....but when I look at my daughter....I feel guilt.  I feel as if I have abandoned my daughter and ex. He's not dating anyone....right now..becuase he says he wants to work on us.  But, again -- won't go to a therapist because he says that I don't "tell the whole story".

What would you do?

[MeMyself]

"He discovered through an online forum (on another site) that I had cheated on him while married."

"I didn't have an "affair" but I met my new love within weeks of filing divorce."

How could he have discovered an affair that never was???

[mommydi]

If he treated you that bad before the divorce, and has tried to "ruin" you since the divorce, refuses to get therapy, then how would getting back together benefit your daughter? Have you abandoned your daughter? Was he awarded full physical custody of your daughter?

[Alan]

I see a few issues here but the one that is standing out the most is that you are even having these discussions with your ex while claiming to be devoted to your new boyfriend, and even considering jumping from one relationship to another for the sake of another; albeit it's your daughter but if you are not happy with yourself and the situation you place yourself in the walls will eventually come crashing down around you, at the end of the day no one will be happy.

Advice; if you love your boyfriend as much as you claim cease these discussions with your ex but if you truly feel there is still something between you and your ex then let the boyfriend go before this escalates any further.

[minime5555]

I understand that sentiment. I wasn't in that ballpark until there began to be stress between my ex and my BF.  My BF started to see the alliengenace I had toward my ex and my daughter and began rebelling out of jealously. When my ex started to threaten my reputation etc....my fiancé was the "knight and shining armor" and threatened my ex ....and that started a horrible dynamic.  My BF/fiance...apologized to my ex and tried to clear the air ...just for my sake.  My ex told him to "F off" and threatened to sue him.  Anyway...I think that stress and the fact that my ex saw my fiancé as a lunatic...started to make me question things.

My fiancé brought up a very good point...why do I trust my ex's opinion more than his? I think it's just time... but honestly..it's more than that. I think it's MY craziness. Why would I turn to this man who had just threatened to hurt me so badly...he even threatened to go to my bosses and make false claims! Fortunatley I hung on to everything and my ex never did that....but it was very scary.

I think the biggest problem is why am I so sentimental over such a bad past?

[LexKnight]

It seems like you both have issues that needs to be worked on. You cheated on him, and he displayed a revenge mindset, neither is good. If I was in your predicament, I know what wisdom would tell me.

1. Make sure the sins I have committed has been acknowledged and repented of before anything else.
2. Examine the fruits of the ex and see if they truly are serious about connecting, or if there's something more serious going on.
3. Examine the relationship I have now.

The fact is, your husband would be in the right to divorce you by sleeping with someone else, though he would not be with the attitude that you describe. But if he's serious in wanting to reconnect and his fruits shows such, you have to consider it. Otherwise, use your best judgment and keep the Lord first in thought above your husband, yourself, even your daughter.


Just read your new post. it seems your fiance is a bit wiser and more mild-manner towards you than your ex. With that said... if you've already bedded with him, it's best to stick with him.

[minime5555]

My fiancé is a person who wants to take care of me...my ex wants to use my daughter to control me. My fiancé just has such anonymity toward my ex but it's mainly due to my behavior that made him jealous.

I have wondered by reconciling but my ex doesn't wang therapy or counseling. How can that work?

[chosenone]

I am not sure why you would ever consider getting back with a man who treats you terribly, is addicted to porn, and refuses to go to marriage counselling. I think you would be heading back to more misery and pain.
AS for your daughter, is she living with you?  If not why not? Do you have joint custody?
Carefully explain to her what has happened and why you divorced and that you are never going back. She is old enough to understand much of this and to recognise that the marriage was a disaster.

As for your boyfriend, is he a Christian? Are you? Are you intending to marry him soon? 

[chosenone]

It seems like you both have issues that needs to be worked on. You cheated on him, and he displayed a revenge mindset, neither is good. If I was in your predicament, I know what wisdom would tell me.

1. Make sure the sins I have committed has been acknowledged and repented of before anything else.
2. Examine the fruits of the ex and see if they truly are serious about connecting, or if there's something more serious going on.
3. Examine the relationship I have now.

The fact is, your husband would be in the right to divorce you by sleeping with someone else, though he would not be with the attitude that you describe. But if he's serious in wanting to reconnect and his fruits shows such, you have to consider it. Otherwise, use your best judgment and keep the Lord first in thought above your husband, yourself, even your daughter.


Just read your new post. it seems your fiance is a bit wiser and more mild-manner towards you than your ex. With that said... if you've already bedded with him, it's best to stick with him.

Lex I believe they are already divorced.

[minime5555]

Yes we have been divorced for over a year. But in that year (after my ex was cruel etc) he said he did a lot of work on himself. But he never went to therapy and now says he still would not attend...with me.

He thinks I cheated on him and he thinks that justifies how ruthless he was to me. Even telling my daughter that I didn't love either of them anymore.

As for my daughter, she lives primarily w him because I have held 2 jobs for the past 5 years to support the family. My ex "worked from home" as a writer. So the lawyers said it was best to keep the living situation the way it was until I could get better work hours and then go to the judge and ask for a change.

So it breaks my heart. I miss her terribly. I work my butt off paying child support to him! Because he has been lazy and I rewarded it all these years.  He's the "stay at home mom" and I'm treated like the "dad" because I've been the provider.

[LexKnight]

I try to look at this from God's view, not from legal view... as cliche as it sounds.

No offense but it kind of sounds like a no brainer to me... You're only considering reconnecting with your ex because you feel guilt in regards to what your daughter ask... Other than that, do you see any value in doing so? It would be great, and doable especially if you haven't bedded the fiance yet, but... .it seems other than daughter guilt you have officially moved on.

[minime5555]

I believe it is due primarily to guilt and the previous status quo.

But, yes I have officially moved on and looking back I don't know if my ex would ever be fulfilling to me.  He has hurt me tremendously and his family won't even speak to me. How would that ever work?

And now he's asking if I'm still w my fiancé. I had left my fiancé a few weeks ago because of this confusion in my head. But I went back to him. During those few days I went to dinner w my daughter and my ex. I tried to put myself back there mentally. But my ex was very cold to me. It was Father's Day weekend and I was treating him and my daughter to dinner. He complained the whole time and said he was sick. (Same old ex). He literally told me that he thought he might have the plague!

And if you compare... On Mother's Day he wouldn't even wish me happy Mother's Day because he said I didn't get my daughter (with my fiancé) to church on time. I was very hurt.

When it came to fathers day ...he said he was sick. I handled my daughter 75 percent of the day on "his" weekend and paid for his dinner and his gift. My daughter wanted to give him a better office chair.
And no he didn't even take my daughter to church.
See the difference in behavior?

How do I reunite w that? I asked him this and he said that I was acting too nice and "normal" and he can't just do that w me because I have caused him so much pain.

But then 2 days later he offers me to move back in?? Makes no sense.

[LexKnight]

So just move on, past is the past.

[chosenone]

Is the new guy a Christian?Are you living with him?

[minime5555]

He is a Christian. And we go to church together. But yes I am living with him. My mother has disowned me ...essentially because I'm living in sin.

[MeMyself]

I feel like this poster's story is familiar...

a child who lives with their father, who is a bully and revengeful, a boyfriend who is wonderful,( but controlling--this part hasn't come up in these posts yet) and she left him for a time a few weeks ago, her not having her child due to working too much.

[MeMyself]

He is a Christian. And we go to church together. But yes I am living with him. My mother has disowned me ...essentially because I'm living in sin.

She's right. You are.  It would be best for you to NOT live with him until you are married. 

[Texas Conservative]

I feel bad for your daughter.  If she is secretly hoping you two will get back together, and you are even considering it, you are messing with your daughter's mind.  Your ex husband and you should stop it.  And your lawyer gave you some horrible advice.  The longer your ex husband has primary physical custody of your daughter, the harder it will be for you to get more time.

[minime5555]

My attorney says it's too late. I've established a pattern that can't be reversed since I have been the workhorse and he hasn't been for years....

Mess entails they said the history is there and there's virtually no chance of it changing unless he starts getting into legal trouble or something.

[Texas Conservative]

My attorney says it's too late. I've established a pattern that can't be reversed since I have been the workhorse and he hasn't been for years....

Mess entails they said the history is there and there's virtually no chance of it changing unless he starts getting into legal trouble or something.

I have 50% custody, and my ex wife was a stay at home mom until she filed for divorce. 

[mommydi]

I feel bad for your daughter.  If she is secretly hoping you two will get back together, and you are even considering it, you are messing with your daughter's mind.  Your ex husband and you should stop it.  And your lawyer gave you some horrible advice.  The longer your ex husband has primary physical custody of your daughter, the harder it will be for you to get more time.

Each state is different concerning divorce and custody laws, but I agree that it does sound like she didn't good legal advice. It sure wouldn't hurt to find new representation - at least, make some phone calls and get a few consultations. I know in my state, it's not over until the child is 18. The non-custodial parent has the right to ask for a different arrangements. 

[Texas Conservative]

I feel bad for your daughter.  If she is secretly hoping you two will get back together, and you are even considering it, you are messing with your daughter's mind.  Your ex husband and you should stop it.  And your lawyer gave you some horrible advice.  The longer your ex husband has primary physical custody of your daughter, the harder it will be for you to get more time.

Each state is different concerning divorce and custody laws, but I agree that it does sound like she didn't good legal advice. It sure wouldn't hurt to find new representation - at least, make some phone calls and get a few consultations. I know in my state, it's not over until the child is 18. The non-custodial parent has the right to ask for a different arrangements.

I learned through the divorce process that you can't expect to lean on your lawyer.  You gotta do the vast majority of things yourself.  It is up to you to provide information, make educated decisions, etc in order to get a good result.

Problem is, once you accept a divorce order or custody order, it takes another order to replace the previous order.  And it sets a precedent.   I believe a lawyer advising for limited custody when you have committed no crimes, gave you horrible advice.

[chosenone]

He is a Christian. And we go to church together. But yes I am living with him. My mother has disowned me ...essentially because I'm living in sin.

have your church not challenged you on this? If they havent they are failing. 
If you are Christians then why are you both disobeying God?

[chosenone]

I feel bad for your daughter.  If she is secretly hoping you two will get back together, and you are even considering it, you are messing with your daughter's mind.  Your ex husband and you should stop it.  And your lawyer gave you some horrible advice.  The longer your ex husband has primary physical custody of your daughter, the harder it will be for you to get more time.

I agree, your poor child must miss you terribly. Do all you can to have at least stared custody, she deserves that surely.

[chosenone]

I feel like this poster's story is familiar...

a child who lives with their father, who is a bully and revengeful, a boyfriend who is wonderful,( but controlling--this part hasn't come up in these posts yet) and she left him for a time a few weeks ago, her not having her child due to working too much.

Oh dear hope its not the same lady, but I think you are right, if so we have already told her to leave her awful boyfriend several times.  She has omitted this time to tell us about the awful things her boyfriend does such as filming her at home to keep an eye on her, and also controlling her life as if she is in a prison. 

The first 2 times the child was a boy, and the last 2 times a girl.

[mommydi]

I feel bad for your daughter.  If she is secretly hoping you two will get back together, and you are even considering it, you are messing with your daughter's mind.  Your ex husband and you should stop it.  And your lawyer gave you some horrible advice.  The longer your ex husband has primary physical custody of your daughter, the harder it will be for you to get more time.

Each state is different concerning divorce and custody laws, but I agree that it does sound like she didn't good legal advice. It sure wouldn't hurt to find new representation - at least, make some phone calls and get a few consultations. I know in my state, it's not over until the child is 18. The non-custodial parent has the right to ask for a different arrangements.

...you can't expect to lean on your lawyer.

I get reminded of that fact more and more lately. It's kind of like dealing with an M.D. Leave it all up to the experts, and you're likely to get screwed.

[mommydi]

I feel like this poster's story is familiar...

a child who lives with their father, who is a bully and revengeful, a boyfriend who is wonderful,( but controlling--this part hasn't come up in these posts yet) and she left him for a time a few weeks ago, her not having her child due to working too much.

Oh dear hope its not the same lady, but I think you are right, if so we have already told her to leave her awful boyfriend several times.  She has omitted this time to tell us about the awful things her boyfriend does such as filming her at home to keep an eye on her, and also controlling her life as if she is in a prison. 

The first 2 times the child was a boy, and the last 2 times a girl.

Whatever the story, it's sad when people have to use message boards as Dear Abby advice columns for such serious situations as child custody and divorce.

[Texas Conservative]

I feel like this poster's story is familiar...

a child who lives with their father, who is a bully and revengeful, a boyfriend who is wonderful,( but controlling--this part hasn't come up in these posts yet) and she left him for a time a few weeks ago, her not having her child due to working too much.

Oh dear hope its not the same lady, but I think you are right, if so we have already told her to leave her awful boyfriend several times.  She has omitted this time to tell us about the awful things her boyfriend does such as filming her at home to keep an eye on her, and also controlling her life as if she is in a prison. 

The first 2 times the child was a boy, and the last 2 times a girl.

Whatever the story, it's sad when people have to use message boards as Dear Abby advice columns for such serious situations as child custody and divorce.

The 10 year old is getting a bum deal.  She is hoping her parents will get back together and she can have her family back and her parents are playing games.

[chosenone]

I feel like this poster's story is familiar...

a child who lives with their father, who is a bully and revengeful, a boyfriend who is wonderful,( but controlling--this part hasn't come up in these posts yet) and she left him for a time a few weeks ago, her not having her child due to working too much.

Oh dear hope its not the same lady, but I think you are right, if so we have already told her to leave her awful boyfriend several times.  She has omitted this time to tell us about the awful things her boyfriend does such as filming her at home to keep an eye on her, and also controlling her life as if she is in a prison. 

The first 2 times the child was a boy, and the last 2 times a girl.

Whatever the story, it's sad when people have to use message boards as Dear Abby advice columns for such serious situations as child custody and divorce.

well it seems to help many people, but this lady has been given loads of good advise before when she came her under 3 or 4 other names, but she has ignored all of it. Her boyfriend is an awful man, paranoid, jealous and ultra controlling and manipulative, he wants her in a prison of his own making, AND he doesnt like it when she goes to see her child . .

[mommydi]

Sounds like she's jumped from the frying pan into the fire, which would not be uncommon for a woman in her situation. After a few years of emotional abuse from her husband, she needs professional help to keep from making the same mistakes over and over again.

[chosenone]

Sounds like she's jumped from the frying pan into the fire, which would not be uncommon for a woman in her situation. After a few years of emotional abuse from her husband, she needs professional help to keep from making the same mistakes over and over again.

well loads of people have told her, and to be honest her role as mother needs to be her priority. She doesnt live near him/her because of the BF and he hates her going to see him/her. Big red flags are waving everywhere.

[Texas Conservative]

Sounds like she's jumped from the frying pan into the fire, which would not be uncommon for a woman in her situation. After a few years of emotional abuse from her husband, she needs professional help to keep from making the same mistakes over and over again.

well loads of people have told her and to be honest her role as mother needs to be her priority. She doesnt live near him/her because of the BF and he hates her going to see him.

Who knows how bad the actual ex-husband is?  We are only hearing one side of the story, and if this poster is indeed on the third or fourth account here, credibility is lacking.

[mommydi]

Sounds like she's jumped from the frying pan into the fire, which would not be uncommon for a woman in her situation. After a few years of emotional abuse from her husband, she needs professional help to keep from making the same mistakes over and over again.

well loads of people have told her and to be honest her role as mother needs to be her priority. She doesnt live near him/her because of the BF and he hates her going to see him.

Who knows how bad the actual ex-husband is?  We are only hearing one side of the story, and if this poster is indeed on the third or fourth account here, credibility is lacking.

Yep

[Catholica]

I feel like this poster's story is familiar...

a child who lives with their father, who is a bully and revengeful, a boyfriend who is wonderful,( but controlling--this part hasn't come up in these posts yet) and she left him for a time a few weeks ago, her not having her child due to working too much.

Oh dear hope its not the same lady, but I think you are right, if so we have already told her to leave her awful boyfriend several times.  She has omitted this time to tell us about the awful things her boyfriend does such as filming her at home to keep an eye on her, and also controlling her life as if she is in a prison. 

The first 2 times the child was a boy, and the last 2 times a girl.

As a moderator you should be able to know if it is by clicking on their IP address.  If it is the same person, then unless they are extremely technically savvy and connecting via the TOR network, all the user IDs should appear that have posted from that IP address.  That is typically a feature on forums like this one.

[chosenone]

I feel like this poster's story is familiar...

a child who lives with their father, who is a bully and revengeful, a boyfriend who is wonderful,( but controlling--this part hasn't come up in these posts yet) and she left him for a time a few weeks ago, her not having her child due to working too much.

Oh dear hope its not the same lady, but I think you are right, if so we have already told her to leave her awful boyfriend several times.  She has omitted this time to tell us about the awful things her boyfriend does such as filming her at home to keep an eye on her, and also controlling her life as if she is in a prison. 

The first 2 times the child was a boy, and the last 2 times a girl.

As a moderator you should be able to know if it is by clicking on their IP address.  If it is the same person, then unless they are extremely technically savvy and connecting via the TOR network, all the user IDs should appear that have posted from that IP address.  That is typically a feature on forums like this one.

People can use many different ip address now, especially if they know what they are doing, and also if they are using different computers or their phone at work or home or while travelling, and there are also often many members have the same IP.  I know a young man from the USA who uses and ip address from OZ. It used to be useful to look up ips, but now it makes little difference.