Sexual fetishism

[southport9]

Hi,
I am a single Christian male in his forties. I have never been married, never had a girlfriend, never been on a proper date, never kissed a girl, and never so much as even had a female friend until a few years ago.

I had vowed that I would never ever goto to church ever again after what happened to me. I was a young adult around 20 years old seeking answers. I got hooked up to a deliverance ministry that promised freedom but nearly cost me my life. I am still not free. I have a foot fetish and I sleep with women's high heels on my bed. I have been through two suicide attempts. I will attempt to summarize the world-view that destroyed my chances of having a relationship and marriage with a woman and caused me to avoid females my entire life.

Here it is;
- masterbation is a sin or causes diseases; it was what I was told love-of-self
- sex between a married man and woman is only for procreation
- anything sexual between a married man and woman that deviates from "proper sex" is a sexual perversion
- the only sex between a married man and woman that God allows, condones or blesses is "religiously proper" sex
- the major reasoning for the above is because of anatomical design (God's design)
- the Bible only mentions a man liking a woman's breasts Proverbs 5 (to the exclusion of everything else)
- anything sexual between a married man and woman that deviates from "proper sex" is demonic (demons are involved, demon's give the desires, demon's flame the desires, demons enter etc...)
- statement: oral sex is demonic
- foot fetishism is the result of a demon (most often Jezebel as Jezebel is the number one choice of devils)
- any kind of addiction or anything you can't control in your life is the result of a demon
- a man or a woman in a friendship should not be alone together in each other's home
- encourages sexual suppression, repression, denial of sexual desires, and pretending the sexual desires don't exist

The only conclusion I can draw from this world-view is Jesus came to set the captives free Luke 4:18 as long as those captives have "proper" sexual desires. Everyone else falls through the religious cracks in the system and are on their own. In reality those who hold and preach the above views have never struggled with any temptations or sexual desires that are not "religiously proper." I grew up in extreme torment that never went away and had to drop out of college because of it. I was told by a deliverance minister that the devil would kill me. During puberty I was putting silicone gel on my private parts believing there was something wrong with me (and that was even before the deliverance ministry.) I was suicidal and thought about getting castrated. I have been sexually molested by a male family member.

In the deliverance ministry I was told that I had a Jezebel spirit and that is why I have a foot fetish. These kind of deliverance ministries still exist today from the likes of those that follow "Pigs in the Parlor" to name a few. Those who hold the demonology world-view explain everything away they don't understand or have no clue about with demons. This became a popular theme in Christianity in the 1990's. They also claim to have hidden knowledge or dark secrets of the world of demons and demonology such as knowing names etc... For these people Jezebel is the number one choice for anyone dealing with sexual issues because of an obscure passage in the book of Revelations about a woman named Jezebel. The huge danger in this is some of these deliverance ministries claim or have affiliations with very reputable ministries, albeit the affiliation is kept hush-hush for obvious reasons.

I've not heard of one testimony ever of someone with a foot fetish having a Jezebel or other spirit cast of them and now they are married to a beautiful wife and are having proper sex with their wife and are praising God. The only thing I've ever heard is some guy named Abel who had a website about foot fetish stories now going free and having so much peace but then a few months later everything is taken down, he posts that he made a mistake, and the foot fetish stories are back. Others are posts on forums about young Christian men suffering with foot fetishes and having no freedom at all with hopeless outlooks for the future. I saw one post where a man left Christianity because of his foot fetish. Another testimony from the 1990's about a man named Bill who was a homosexual and is now "free" and has a wife but in the testimony he said he had devils cast of out him and nothing changed. The only testimony I've ever heard of casting a homosexual demon out was some guy named Mike now has a wife.

From what I've read from the small amount of posting on the web about this is there are three outcomes;
- the person either leaves the church and leaves Jesus altogether and becomes an atheist
- the person commits suicide
- the person still believes in Jesus but has no freedom and lives in total isolation and might as well of been born a eunuch

I fall into the latter category. I decided years ago that I cannot put my trust in what someone else says and commit suicide over it. I have completed school and have found a church but still there doesn't seem to be much help for me (yes I have talked to the pastor at that church about this.) I really do want freedom and find a wife and get married and have my life pleasing to God and actually be a testimony. But I have given up on seeking counsel from any kind of Christian ministry or counselor. I have been there recently and am not going back. Christian men's groups are very much focused on just pornography addictions for men who have "proper" sexual desires already. I can appreciate that there might be some help there, sure there are some similarities as an addiction is an addiction, but there are unique considerations here as I don't have "proper" sexual desires. I am not going to be the test-subject of some Christian counselor who has no idea what he is talking about or be the first one he has ever seen go free. Further the one I recently saw made comments to the effect that I should not be seeking counsel from a non-Christian.

I will be seeking out a qualified sex therapist. I don't know if it will help but I'm not going to live another ten years trying to get this teaching/world-view out of me. I can see I have a very much distorted view of sex and marriage and have lost most of my life because of it. I am angry that Christian ministers have the audacity to dictate or rule on what is acceptable or not between a husband and wife in their bedroom. But I have hard time thinking that any Godly wife would be accepting of my sexual desires, and how do I change them so they are balanced and what does balanced mean I don't know. It is very difficult when you have no one to talk to and are very much on your own.

[southport9]

Thank you "His Kid" for such a supportive reply. You are right. They must be all lies. To some degree or another and someway I have believed them all my life and they have held power over me because I have believed them whether consciously or not.

I don't believe you can cast a sexual desire or any desire out of anyone. That desire belongs to the person. Christianity (every single denomination out there) has a long history of sexual suppression and sexuality issues. There is just a massive tidal wave of people who can attest to this and many have left Christianity altogether because of it. I saw one website that is supposed to liberate Christians in their marriages, where they say oral sex is fine but a fetish isn't (and additionally a spouse with a fetish would be potential grounds for a divorce.) So it would be OK to have oral sex with your wife but not say something to do with her feet? I don't know why there needs to be websites that lay out rules and regulations for this. To me the best answer would be that is between God, a husband, and a wife not God, a husband, a wife and someone else's opinion.

People generally love rules, regulations, traditions, and religious bondage. I'm unfortunately one of them and I need to get rid of this junk. Most are afraid that without legalism people would have a license to sin. But people are going to sin with or without a license. And people like myself have a tendency to be in one ditch or another and not be balanced. I'm not looking at someone and saying "Now now...you have to love me and accept me just the way I am." I'm looking for truth to set me free. I'm not looking for a license or ways to sin or be "liberated" sexually so that I can do absolutely anything that comes to my mind. But all I've gotten are bits and pieces of truth often times mixed in with a whole kitchen sink of religious tradition, sexual suppression, garbage, wild and outlandish interpretations of scripture and outright lies none of which has set me free. If hearing preaching or messages on this (or comments someone might happen to say in a message) was similar to eating food, it would be full of artificial flavors, preservatives, have almost no nutrition value, and even sometimes be laced with poison.

Unfortunately I have eaten this garbage and I don't know why I grew up feeling the way I did in my early teens. Maybe a sex therapist will help I don't know.