Husband traveling with female co-worker

[stillandrea]

I've never posted here before, but I feel that I need advice from fellow Christians that I don't know personally.  Sorry it's long.

My husband and I have been married for 9 years and have 2 kids.  He has a nice job with fairly flexible hours, but he travels on a regular basis.  He goes on about 3 trips a month (sometimes more) that last usually last 2-3 days.  He works closely with his partner, especially when they travel.  The problem I have is that his partner is a woman.  She's also married with kids.  He's been her partner for the past 4 years.  When they travel they share a rental car when their plane lands.  Once at their main destination, they travel between cities and towns, often spending hours in the car together.  Sometimes they drive to their main destination so they spend even more time in the car together.  Because they share a rental car, they also eat every meal together. 

Not long after he started working with her, I found out they had eaten a meal at a nicer restaurant.  I wasn't happy (especially since I was at home with 2 young kids eating PB&Js for dinner!) and I asked that in the future he would only eat at fast food type restaurants so they would spend less time together over meals.  He said he understood.  A few months later he mentioned eating at a regular restaurant with her.  I asked him why he was there instead of fast food and he said it was the only place close to their hotel.  I wasn't happy, but understood it was the only option.  So for the next few years, I was under the impression that they were eating fast food and only going to sit down/nicer restaurants when it was necessary.  I was wrong.  This past year I found out they have been eating at regular restaurants this whole time.

I thought I was overreacting so I didn't immediately say anything, but over the years I've also been jealous of the fact that he does so much traveling and I never go anywhere.  I used to go on trips with him along with my older son, but ever since starting to work with his current partner, he has never invited us along.   He also stopped taking me on dates.  For years, he would only ask me out a couple of times a year.  We went to marital counseling for awhile 2 years ago and the counselor told him he should take me out every week to every other week.  We went out once.  We went to counseling again a few times this past summer.  That counselor also told him to take me out at least twice a month.  Nothing.  Both of our families live nearby so babysitters aren't a problem.  Finally in December I just let it all out and told him I'm really hurt that he never takes me out and yet goes out with his partner several times a month for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. 

He has been understanding and talked to his partner and told her I wanted them to only eat at fast food places from now on.  She said okay and she "didn't want to cause problems."  I'm discouraged and distrustful because I feel that he knew this entire time I didn't want them spending so much time together over meals and he did anyway.  Also, he wouldn't take me on dates (although he's improved since I talked to him in December) or ask me along on trips.  There have been a few other unrelated instances that he's been deceitful and kept secrets from me, so that doesn't help. 

I now have the password to his business credit card account so I can check to see what restaurants he's going to.  I'm wondering if there's anything else I should do and if I even have a "right" to be this concerned.  Am I overreacting?  I'm afraid that now I'm the "bad guy" in his eyes and his partner's eyes and anyone else in the office she has told.  What if this drives him farther from me and closer to her?  Thanks for reading and responding!

[Texas Conservative]

What does the partner look like?  I used to travel quite a bit but I work in male dominated industry. 

I think you are right to be worried about his traveling with a female.  I think you are wrong for being jealous at the type of restaurant he's eating at.  The better restaurants have healthier food, and it isn't on his dime.

[stillandrea]

She's blonde and skinny!  I guess she has a good looking face?  She's a few years older than my husband and I, but her kids are around the same age, so they have that in common.  I am in the normal weight range now, but I used to be underweight, even after having kids.  I have gained weight since I stopped nursing my youngest.  The comparison in physical appearance does worry me.  She dresses professionally, is super skinny, and probably has her hair professionally dyed/highlighted and manicures, etc.  I'm very natural (always have been) in that I don't put chemicals on my hair or face and I dress casual.  We also are a one income family so I wouldn't want to spend money on stuff like that.

Yes, I am jealous of the type of restaurant because I'd like to eat out more myself, but when it comes down to it, it's the time spent that concerns me.  I do get that it isn't healthy to eat fast food so much, but maybe they could try to find places like Chipotle and Panera or choose salads at fast food places.

[Texas Conservative]

She's blonde and skinny!  I guess she has a good looking face?  She's a few years older than my husband and I, but her kids are around the same age, so they have that in common.  I am in the normal weight range now, but I used to be underweight, even after having kids.  I have gained weight since I stopped nursing my youngest.  The comparison in physical appearance does worry me.  She dresses professionally, is super skinny, and probably has her hair professionally dyed/highlighted and manicures, etc.  I'm very natural (always have been) in that I don't put chemicals on my hair or face and I dress casual.  We also are a one income family so I wouldn't want to spend money on stuff like that.

Yes, I am jealous of the type of restaurant because I'd like to eat out more myself, but when it comes down to it, it's the time spent that concerns me.  I do get that it isn't healthy to eat fast food so much, but maybe they could try to find places like Chipotle and Panera or choose salads at fast food places.

They are in the same car, and at the same hotel.  The restaurant is the most public place they could be.  I wouldn't be worrying about the restaurant, but that they are traveling together period.  If I was the co-worker's husband, I would be concerned as well.

If she was of a type that was physically unattractive to your husband I would probably be less concerned, but that doesn't appear to be the case.

[chosenone]

She's blonde and skinny!  I guess she has a good looking face?  She's a few years older than my husband and I, but her kids are around the same age, so they have that in common.  I am in the normal weight range now, but I used to be underweight, even after having kids.  I have gained weight since I stopped nursing my youngest.  The comparison in physical appearance does worry me.  She dresses professionally, is super skinny, and probably has her hair professionally dyed/highlighted and manicures, etc.  I'm very natural (always have been) in that I don't put chemicals on my hair or face and I dress casual.  We also are a one income family so I wouldn't want to spend money on stuff like that.

Yes, I am jealous of the type of restaurant because I'd like to eat out more myself, but when it comes down to it, it's the time spent that concerns me.  I do get that it isn't healthy to eat fast food so much, but maybe they could try to find places like Chipotle and Panera or choose salads at fast food places.

The thing is that she will dress us more than you because she is at work and you are at home, but I see what you mean. I read a book a while back called 'Hedges' by Jerry B Jenkins which is about setting godly boundaries with the opposite sex. Many of them are things people do such as not travelling together, not eating together, not spending time alone together, which I think are very sensible. 
It doesnt sound as if anything is going on, but nearly all the cases of adultery I know of were with people at work, and when 2 people go traveling together, staying in the same hotels, eating together, its easy to see how things can develop, especially if one or both are going through difficult times in their marriage for example.

Personally I wouldnt do what he is doing, nor would I want my husband doing that, and I have known several Christian men who wont even travel in the car alone with a woman who isnt their wife or a relative. 

Is there any chance that he can travel alone? Or possibly look for a job where he doesnt need to travel?

As for going out,  why dont you arrange things? Men arent always good at stuff like that, I am the one who arranges holidays and evenings out, he is always very grateful and thanks me for arranging it, but he just isnt good at stuff like that. Also for your husband, when he gets back from traveling he probably just wants to relax at home, so doesnt think to do it for that reason either.

[Wycliffes_Shillelagh]

As a man, it's just a bad idea to be alone with a female co-worker, period. 

If you spend a lot of time with someone, eventually one person is going to have some feelings, and if they aren't reciprocated, that's a built-in source of conflict.  What happens then?  Will there be sexual harassment charges - irrelevant of whether or not anything was going on or not?

Jarrod

[stillandrea]

Thank you for the book recommendation!  We did talk a little about him finding another job, but he argues that what if he changes to a new company and ends up with another female co-worker that he has to travel with?  But I've been doing some reading of articles and message board posts and I'm getting the impression that it isn't super common to travel with female co-workers. 

My husband may be able to switch partners and keep his same position.  I understand that would be even more awkward than telling his partner that he doesn't want to spend more time with her over meals because more people in the office would find out and know that something is going on, but if it helps our marriage, I think it may be worth the embarrassment.  Of course that's easy for me to say since I wouldn't be the one faced with it every day.

[MeMyself]

I would feel it was WAY to friendly as well.  My dh had to work with other women in the past too and they ALWAYS pressured him to eating with them, socializing while away with them and he felt obligated to do so, so that work would look favorably at him. He was raised by a mom who used guilt to manipulate him and in so doing, he has a VERY hard time saying no to women and is a people-pleaser.  It has caused LOTS of hurt in our marriage; until he read this story:

"In the mid-'90s, Sports Illustrated did a cover feature, entitled, 'St. David,' on David Robinson, the MVP center for the San Antonio Spurs. One segment described how Robinson handled himself, as a professing Christian, husband, and father, in the midst of the NBA's intense temptations. For example, during television breaks, he would sit on the bench and stare studiously at the floor in order to avoid looking at the gyrating cheerleaders out on the court."

"The article also mentioned that like all NBA players, Robinson was constantly approached by attractive women who wanted to talk to him...and were probably offering more than just witty conversation. Apparently, he would rather brusquely brush them off. When asked to comment on that seemingly 'rude' practice, he said something like this: 'If any woman is going to get her feelings hurt, it's not going to be my wife.'"

Since then, my dh was able to see things from my point of view and has gotten MUCH better at being strong enough to "appear" rude, and be fiercely proud and protective of our marriage.  He no longer feels he must eat their meals together or be social while at work functions outside of what work obliges. God bless.

http://www.kevinhalloran.net/david-robinsons-example-of-sexual-purity/

[chosenone]

Thank you for the book recommendation!  We did talk a little about him finding another job, but he argues that what if he changes to a new company and ends up with another female co-worker that he has to travel with?  But I've been doing some reading of articles and message board posts and I'm getting the impression that it isn't super common to travel with female co-workers. 

My husband may be able to switch partners and keep his same position.  I understand that would be even more awkward than telling his partner that he doesn't want to spend more time with her over meals because more people in the office would find out and know that something is going on, but if it helps our marriage, I think it may be worth the embarrassment.  Of course that's easy for me to say since I wouldn't be the one faced with it every day.

I meant that he looks for a job where he doesnt go travelling. 

[chosenone]

I would feel it was WAY to friendly as well.  My dh had to work with other women in the past too and they ALWAYS pressured him to eating with them, socializing while away with them and he felt obligated to do so, so that work would look favorably at him. He was raised by a mom who used guilt to manipulate him and in so doing, he has a VERY hard time saying no to women and is a people-pleaser.  It has caused LOTS of hurt in our marriage; until he read this story:

"In the mid-'90s, Sports Illustrated did a cover feature, entitled, 'St. David,' on David Robinson, the MVP center for the San Antonio Spurs. One segment described how Robinson handled himself, as a professing Christian, husband, and father, in the midst of the NBA's intense temptations. For example, during television breaks, he would sit on the bench and stare studiously at the floor in order to avoid looking at the gyrating cheerleaders out on the court."

"The article also mentioned that like all NBA players, Robinson was constantly approached by attractive women who wanted to talk to him...and were probably offering more than just witty conversation. Apparently, he would rather brusquely brush them off. When asked to comment on that seemingly 'rude' practice, he said something like this: 'If any woman is going to get her feelings hurt, it's not going to be my wife.'"

Since then, my dh was able to see things from my point of view and has gotten MUCH better at being strong enough to "appear" rude, and be fiercely proud and protective of our marriage.  He no longer feels he must eat their meals together or be social while at work functions outside of what work obliges. God bless.

http://www.kevinhalloran.net/david-robinsons-example-of-sexual-purity/

Robinson was clearly a very godly man. 

[stillandrea]

That's a great article!  I've never heard of Robinson.  I may pass that along to my husband next time we talk about the situation.

[kensington]

If this has been going on for years... anything that could have happened, may have already happened.  The fact that he hid things from you and lied...  That is a no go for me.

He needs to change jobs for that reason alone.  Even if he gets a new partner... He has to meet them, get to know them, start all over.  This situation is way too familiar for me.  Where is her husband?  Surely he has an opinion.  Or should.

Does he ever take you with him?  My husband was offered a job traveling when he got out of the military, and our first discussion was if I wanted to go on trips and if I could go. 

Fast food as a steady diet isn't going to stop anyone from doing anything they want...  they are in the same car all the time, they probably stay in the same hotels.  Where they eat would be the least of your worries... or mine anyway. 

Do you know her?  Have you reached out to her, to try to be her friend?  Do you keep yourself up at home and dress in appealing ways, doing your hair and make up...  Having candles lit and kids in bed when he comes home?  Being ready for some "reindeer games" when he comes home from days on the road without you?  I know many people think it's silly... But, I believe we need to do our best to remain enticing to our mates especially after the kids are born. 

You have to always be working on the "TWO" of you... because the kids will grow up and leave and there needs to still be the "Two" of you in relationship when they are gone.  It takes work... and you can't wait until you are older and the nest is half empty to begin.  You gotta be rockin his love life now! 

I hope it works out. 

[Jaime]

I would feel it was WAY to friendly as well.  My dh had to work with other women in the past too and they ALWAYS pressured him to eating with them, socializing while away with them and he felt obligated to do so, so that work would look favorably at him. He was raised by a mom who used guilt to manipulate him and in so doing, he has a VERY hard time saying no to women and is a people-pleaser.  It has caused LOTS of hurt in our marriage; until he read this story:

"In the mid-'90s, Sports Illustrated did a cover feature, entitled, 'St. David,' on David Robinson, the MVP center for the San Antonio Spurs. One segment described how Robinson handled himself, as a professing Christian, husband, and father, in the midst of the NBA's intense temptations. For example, during television breaks, he would sit on the bench and stare studiously at the floor in order to avoid looking at the gyrating cheerleaders out on the court."

"The article also mentioned that like all NBA players, Robinson was constantly approached by attractive women who wanted to talk to him...and were probably offering more than just witty conversation. Apparently, he would rather brusquely brush them off. When asked to comment on that seemingly 'rude' practice, he said something like this: 'If any woman is going to get her feelings hurt, it's not going to be my wife.'"

Since then, my dh was able to see things from my point of view and has gotten MUCH better at being strong enough to "appear" rude, and be fiercely proud and protective of our marriage.  He no longer feels he must eat their meals together or be social while at work functions outside of what work obliges. God bless.

http://www.kevinhalloran.net/david-robinsons-example-of-sexual-purity/

Robinson was clearly a very godly man. 

From what I remember, he attended or attends Max Lucado's church in San Antonio.

[rmcbdd14]

I am so sorry that you have been put through this. I agree with you. This is not appropriate. If an affair hasn't happened already, it will very soon. This is a disaster waiting to happen. This situation is called "Office Wife"...  I have heard that many men have affairs with their female co-workers.

Unfortunately, my husband lied to me about something similar. He lied to me about going out to lunch with female co-workers and meeting them at bars after work. He lied through omission. He never told me about it. I never knew until I found out by mistake.  Makes me wonder what else he kept from me?

If I were you, I would demand that he travels with a male co-worker. If this isn't possible, then I would insist that he finds a new job. This is too close to comfort and opens up many doors to temptation. Eating alone with a female co-worker is not appropriate. It is borderline cheating.

I hope things get better for you. 

[Alma1995]

Poor husband, his wife doesn't trust him. It seems that for you, your husband doesn't have any kind of emotional attachment to you because he will just go for his female co-worker just because "she spends more time with him". It doesn't matter where they eat and it doesn't really matter if he changes his job or starts travelling with a male co-worker. He'll meet women out there, he'll find them attractive but if he is a Christian and loving he will yearn to become one just with you. If I were your husband, I would feel really hurt you don't trust me. Have you thought that he could not trust you as well? That he may wondering who do you hang out with when he is out?.