Me GradMa ?

[grams]

gone   

No one  understands.......   

[MeMyself]

Pray. Remember how it felt to  be the daughter in law.
Ask God to help you see things through her eyes.
Her kids disrespect her.  She was probably embarrassed that they didn't listen, but didn't want to cause a scene in front of you, so she chose the path of least resistance.  She is likely a very passive, gentle person...and her kids take advantage of that.
Her husband YELLS at her for not living up to what he needs.  (I would talk to him, of all of them...he is your son and if my son was reacting like this to his wife, another mother's child, I would be heart broken)
and you and your husband found fault with her too.

This must be a very lonely and frightening place for her to live, so how can you best minister to her? Encourage her, praise her when she does something you agree with, build her up like crazy to her kids, to her husband your son. 

If you MUST admonish anyone, admonish your son and your grands. But, do it quietly, do NOT put her down in the process.

Tell the kids, "You know? Your mother asked you to bless her by cleaning out the van for her...you didn't.  I am wondering why?"  Let them answer, then say "You are supposed to honor your mother and you chose to dishonor and embarrass her instead.  I am very disappointed in the choice you made.  I hope that you can start to be a help to her instead of take advantage of her.  She does a LOT for you and loves you very much."

I watch a little guy that puts his momma through the ringer when she comes to get him. Yesterday, we were talking and he said, "I don't HAVE to do that for my momma!" and I said, "You know, you are right...you don't HAVE to, but I am asking you too, do you know why?"  "why?" He asked, "Because IF you can bless someone, you should ALWAYS choose the blessing!"

Do NOT condemn her, or talk down to her, or try to straighten her out.  She is, I am sure, very aware that things are out of control and doesn't know how to change them.  Be her one safe place, encourage her, pray with and for her, brag on her whenever you can, and I bet God will start to honor that.

[grams]

gone 

[MeMyself]

As I have said I do love her and I really like her......

But she never  !  follows up , when telling the children to do things.

This has been going on all the time.   And the children , will only do as the Dad says.

I do not blame him for yelling at her.........  She is like the children and not getting it!

She wants to be the good  guy  "person "  !   
And my son is the bad guy !

IF this happened once in a while  , that would be different !

But this goes on  all the time.

With 8 children  they have to have a place on the wall to hang coats......

The coats are  mostly on the floor .   Like right now she is picking them up ,
instead of having them do it...........

And you are judging her, because its not how YOU would do it or how YOU think it should be done.

I am sorry that this is hard for you. 

My advice stands. 

[chosenone]

YOur son yelling at her will not help. Maybe they need to have some good counseling so that they can learn to sort things out between them. I do agree that if you have so many children there does need to be some rules and some order, but yelling wont help.   

[grams]

gone

[chosenone]

well looking after 8 children is an incredibly hard job, many would prefer to be away from that at an outside job for 8 hours a day!

Do you have you own annexe? If you do then leave her house to her and you look after your own place.

[MeMyself]

I guess I did not give you the full story of her !    I do still like and love

her.........but.........

She  has been  this way  right from day one......

The kitchen is always in need of  cleaning from the top to the  bottom !

As the rest of the house........  The children play and leave  toys all over

They never clean  there feet when coming in , mud all over....
She may tell them one time....... !

But never , does follow up on any thing..........

Food sits out for days....

My son brings home  cartons of  fruit  and vegetables and  a lot of them

topped , because she does not fix them  !   or what ever..........

This is  always going on and  my son does talk to her over and over

Then he comes home from work  tired and wanting to  rest  after a hard

days work.......   He  cant because he see's all the  mess dirt  and what ever........

So would you not  yell ?

How is the yelling working? Has it changed anything?  Does it motivate her to step up her game? 

The yelling isn't working.  It is likely making her feel worse and she can't find a way to get on top of it all.

What advice would you like, grams?  Would you like us to say she is lazy and should be getting yelled at?

[grams]

gone 

[MeMyself]

The whole idea is !   This kind of stuff has been going on  before  we

moved in............  and still the same !   So what  else is there to do ?

The children are getting  spoiled  and  feeling different of course

from what the   Mom  say's and what the Dad says......

It is so nice when he does  tell them what to do.....
they do it and it is over......  But when she does , it never seems to get
done....... 
So what is that doing for the children ?   Will they grow up  ?

Good , bad ,  a little of  both?   The older ones  are different.

But of course there were not  so many back then..........

Grams, TRY and show her some grace.  NO parent is perfect, no parenting team is in perfect harmony. The BEST thing you can do, is pray.  Pray for God to move on the hearts of your grands.  Pray that the concerns you have be met and tended to by Him.  He is the One that appointed your daughter in law to be the children's mother, He must think she is the just right fit for the job, right?

[grams]

gone

[MeMyself]

MeMyself,


I guess !   Since my son is around to make things right.

But  as I see  how things are going ..........  it just seems as

She is the good guy and he is the  bad guy...
But they do listen to him all the time.........! 

Children need to be told over and over .........  But she does not do so.

And my son rarely  has to repeat.........

I feel badly for her.

[Alma1995]

Wow 8 kids. I have 3 brothers and 2 sisters so that makes us 6. I don't know the age difference between each kid but I can say that the eldest brother from my family raised the second, the second the third and so on. From what I've read your son and her wife doesn't seem to be working as a team. He is the judge, the executioner. She is a spectator and his anger is justified yet he should be more understanding. I would greatly recommend some counseling and a baby sitter (yes, even if the mother is at home she is not an octupus)

[grams]

gone

[MeMyself]

I love my family!

But  my D.  just does not follow up on any thing....

The children  get away with so much because of her. 

The ages are 16 = 6 years..

The children all ready know they do not have to do what they are told...

They home school also..........  and this is a shame , there is so much
goofing around........

now that my son is  home he had a operation and he is seeing how much
she  has not done............  I sure hope he is able to help them
catch up one the school work.......

Thank goodness he is so perfect, to make up for God's choice to make her your grandkids  mother.

As I said before. I feel badly for her.

[Brisingr]

You know what? You need to shut it up and get off your butt and help this poor woman instead of criticizing her every move. She was kind enough to let you move into her house, for God's sake, and this is how you repay her?

That's ridiculous. Either be of help or get out of her house and shut the door behind you.

Wow, what a bratty lady you are.

[grams]

gone

[MeMyself]

I guess  I have not told all ......

She does cook !  No problem with this.

But  cleaning up ........ No  dishes all over dirty,  floor is  dirty.
[ so I buy paper dishes and stuff to help]
Even the couch,   has not been cleaned  once  since  I noticed this.

Food  is stuck and  toys , now for close to a year..

The whole house is like this.   

She has a lot of time to talk to  every one  .......

But  ,  the children love her of course  she does not  make them

do much.

I love her also........  I  just wish she was not so  ? ?  ?

Different from you?

I understand, BUT she is.  SO...be kind, be forgiving, paint her in the most glorious of ways to others, focus on her strengths and never never never forget what places God's mercy is fullest in you. (in other words, your not so beautiful areas that He overlooks in favor of loving you)

[Brisingr]

And I still want to know why you aren't doing your part to keep the house clean? Clue: buying paper plates is not helping. Actually soaping up and cleaning the dirty ones IS. And for the love of green grass, if you don't like how the couch hasn't been cleaned, let's see you break out the means to clean it and do it yourself! You see she has nine other people to clean up after. If you don't like how the house is being kept, then gosh darn it, get off your butt and DO something about it. Help the girl out! Don't just sit there complaining about how she doesn't do this, or doesn't do that, HELP HER.

I'm not letting you off the hook on this one, lady. I'm just not. Your attitude in this really isn't sitting well with me, at all. I'm starting to wonder if you're just exaggerating things.

[grams]

OK .....

I am   81  and at this age  I am blessed to be able to do the little I do.

I do wash dishes at times and clean the floor....

My only problem with her is she does not follow up on things with the

children  ........... if she did  then she would have less to do.   

Just little things add up.   Toy's all over.........  shoes on the feet full of mud.

things of this sort........  do not help.   And she allows this to go on.

They do not  listen !   
What is that doing for them being  brought up not listening ??

[MeMyself]

Grams, please remember what it felt like to be the daughter in law. I bet your mother in law saw all sorts of flaws in how you did things too. Did she criticize you? How did that feel? If the answer is "not good at all", then you need to stop yourself from doing it to your gal.
If she was encouraging and understanding and showed you grace, follow her wonderful example and do the same for your sons wife.

[grams]

I have not said any thing to her ....

I do  tell the children at times to do as they were told......  and she  does not

like that........  it is so hard to  not say any thing to them ..

They have  things " chores"  to do   like  taking care of the animals.

And in this  heat they need  water and  that is not  happening.....

So I feel sorry for the animals.........   so I tell them........

[MeMyself]

I have not said any thing to her ....

I do  tell the children at times to do as they were told......  and she  does not

like that........  it is so hard to  not say any thing to them ..

They have  things " chores"  to do   like  taking care of the animals.

And in this  heat they need  water and  that is not  happening.....

So I feel sorry for the animals.........   so I tell them........

Well, we've heard a LOT about all that she does wrong. I am sure she feels your judgement, even though you "don't say anything".

How can you bless her? How can you build her up and let her know that you love her?  How can you come along side and encourage her?

Let her off of YOUR hook and YOUR way of doing things and just love her. Stop white gloving her to find all that is wrong and BE THANKFUL for what you have. Family, a roof over your head, food in your belly and a daughter in law willing to take you in and welcome you to her home.

[Brisingr]

... wow. Nope. You're still not understanding that you need to stop with the judgemental attitude you have going on. OF COURSE she doesn't like what you're doing! You're repeatedly slapping this girl in the face! STOP DOING THAT. You don't like how the house is run? GET. OUT. I don't know how much clearer anyone can make this, frankly. You're wrong, dead wrong, in how you're behaving toward your daughter in law. I don't care what you bring up, you're dead wrong and you need to cut it out. You're extremely disrespectful to this woman, and I frankly don't know how she puts up with you. Kudos to her for being a MUCH better woman than I would be. I'd have to put you out on your ear really quickly.

[grams]

I guess I have not told the  whole story yet......

My husband was not doing well !  And our son asked if we wanted to move in with them.

And he said yes ........  So  my husband paid for the  house to be  raised to put another

floor on the house.

OK things went ok for a while and then my husband  passed away  when my son and I were
trying to make him comfortable in bed one day.

And now  I do  help since  my darling passed away....  not a lot but  when I can do things and
not get in the way.
I also  go shopping and pay for the grocery's  and even the gas in the car.
My husband also gave them our van since I do not want to drive any more and he could not.

So  why can she not  just tell the children to put things away ?
I have not mentioned  to her things.  But she has told me at times  mind my own business.

And it was when the  child was doing some thing wrong and she did not see it.

So..........  I should let them get I trouble or hurt by doing the wrong things. ?   

I do love her and the whole family of course.....   I am just used to having every thing in place.....

[MeMyself]

I guess I have not told the  whole story yet......

My husband was not doing well !  And our son asked if we wanted to move in with them.

And he said yes ........  So  my husband paid for the  house to be  raised to put another

floor on the house.

OK things went ok for a while and then my husband  passed away  when my son and I were
trying to make him comfortable in bed one day.

And now  I do  help since  my darling passed away....  not a lot but  when I can do things and
not get in the way.
I also  go shopping and pay for the grocery's  and even the gas in the car.
My husband also gave them our van since I do not want to drive any more and he could not.

So  why can she not  just tell the children to put things away ?
I have not mentioned  to her things.  But she has told me at times  mind my own business.

And it was when the  child was doing some thing wrong and she did not see it.

So..........  I should let them get I trouble or hurt by doing the wrong things. ?   

I do love her and the whole family of course.....   I am just used to having every thing in place.....

But, it is not your home, its hers.  She has graciously allowed you to come stay.

Be grateful for what you have and show grace for what you don't enjoy 100%.

Everything in its place extends to YOUR room and YOUR bathroom.  Insist on things being properly put away there, but you can't or shouldn't expect YOUR standards to be lived up to in another woman's home.  That's a self centered expectation.

[Carey]

I have not read through all the posts here, but gonna chance an opinion none the less as time is a constraint.

The man is the leader of the household, but what does that mean....

The man must lead by example, a man that yells at his wife does not respect her, it is completely unsurprising that the children do not either.

As MeMyself says, I feel bad for this woman.

I have been with my wife going on 25 years and I have never once yelled at her.  I love her dearly, and she deserves my utmost respect at all times.  The children, now young adults, have seen this and treat their mother as I do.

Grams I think it would be wise to stay out of it, but if you must lay blame, ensure it falls where it belongs.

Just my two cents, perhaps harsh and not what you might want to hear, but you asked, and I must be honest.

God bless you Grams, You and your family are in my prayers.

[MeMyself]

As MeMyself says, I feel bad for this woman.

I still do too.  I can just imagine how overwhelmed, unsupported, disrespected and unloved she must feel.

I am a daughter in law with a mother in law that wants to control her son, our family and me.  She blames me for everything she finds unsatisfactory in our lives, and bashes me to everyone in the extended family. None trust me and look at me like I am the spawn of Satan.
My own family is not much different.

BUT

*I* am also a mother in law and it is my *duty* to make sure the girls my sons bring to me to love and embrace as one of our own, feel loved, accepted, supported, respected and cherished!  I don't want them to have done to them what has been done to me...

I wish this poor daughter in law had someone in her corner too.

[mommydi]

The man must lead by example, a man that yells at his wife does not respect her, it is completely unsurprising that the children do not either.

That's it right there, and I can tell you, that woman needs to be picked up, held, loved, respected by her man and things would greatly improve in that home. More than likely, she's floating through the day as an empty, depressed shell of a woman.

[Carey]

As MeMyself says, I feel bad for this woman.

I still do too.  I can just imagine how overwhelmed, unsupported, disrespected and unloved she must feel.

I am a daughter in law with a mother in law that wants to control her son, our family and me.  She blames me for everything she finds unsatisfactory in our lives, and bashes me to everyone in the extended family. None trust me and look at me like I am the spawn of Satan.
My own family is not much different.

BUT

*I* am also a mother in law and it is my *duty* to make sure the girls my sons bring to me to love and embrace as one of our own, feel loved, accepted, supported, respected and cherished!  I don't want them to have done to them what has been done to me...

I wish this poor daughter in law had someone in her corner too.

I am so sorry for your struggle sister.  We often inherit the sins of our fathers, or in this case your mother in law, I am so glad to see you breaking what could continue an ugly cycle.  Wouldn't expect anything less of you though, you have a kind and gentle heart. 

So few in this world understand that love and grace can accomplish so much more than criticism and condemnation.  Jesus taught me that.   

[MeMyself]

As MeMyself says, I feel bad for this woman.

I still do too.  I can just imagine how overwhelmed, unsupported, disrespected and unloved she must feel.

I am a daughter in law with a mother in law that wants to control her son, our family and me.  She blames me for everything she finds unsatisfactory in our lives, and bashes me to everyone in the extended family. None trust me and look at me like I am the spawn of Satan.
My own family is not much different.

BUT

*I* am also a mother in law and it is my *duty* to make sure the girls my sons bring to me to love and embrace as one of our own, feel loved, accepted, supported, respected and cherished!  I don't want them to have done to them what has been done to me...

I wish this poor daughter in law had someone in her corner too.

I am so sorry for your struggle sister.  We often inherit the sins of our fathers, or in this case your mother in law, I am so glad to see you breaking what could continue an ugly cycle.  Wouldn't expect anything less of you though, you have a kind and gentle heart. 

So few in this world understand that love and grace can accomplish so much more than criticism and condemnation.  Jesus taught me that.   

 

[grams]

 
gone

[MeMyself]

OK........

More on my  daughter in law....  She is kind and sweet  and I love her very much...
[She has lots of friends, and more time to talk to them then doing  some more stuff
around the house.]

But..............  there are bugs  ever were  [ and mice ]  because there is  food all over  ......

There is  only for about  5 min.  a clean room........ then little  by little   socks  shoes
shirts.............. toy's.  more toy's  more socks........  food..
and there is always    fly's  and  nats   even bees.............

If  my daughter in law  would  keep after the  children  they would end up  putting the
things  away !    and not leaving any thing and every thing  all  over.

Gosh, this breaks my heart. It really does.

I can't help but wonder what she could air here about you?

You have been given this woman as a calling, grams! To love her!  To protect her!  To support and esteem her!

[mommydi]

Gosh, this breaks my heart. It really does.

I can't help but wonder what she could air here about you?

You have been given this woman as a calling, grams! To love her!  To protect her!  To support and esteem her!

+1

[mommydi]

  even bees.............

Turn those lemons into lemonade! Turn those bees into a prosperous bee keeping and honey business. Honey is liquid gold! Turn that slobby, lazy daughter-in-law into a successful business woman and maybe she'll take off on her own and leave you in the dust! Then, you can let everyone know you knew her back when she was such a pathetic creature, bad mom, terrible wife, lousy homemaker, etc.
http://americanbeejournal.com/beekeeping-for-profit/