Me GradMa ?

[grams]

gone

[MeMyself]

Still more !

My husband and I were asked if we want to move in with them  2 years ago.

and years  before.......  My husband  , finally said yes.....  and we paid for  the house

to be made  bigger........  and to do other things also.

He   was not able to do much  and hardly walk.

Any way.   

Our son,  talks to his  wife   about how she has a  messy  house !
He keeps after  , her and eventfully    kind of yells,  but with so many children  he is
really not  yelling ,  just having to talk over them...... They will all seem to be talking to
each other no matter what !  And then  he has to stop and ask them to be quite till he
is done talking.  .......  There are so many  different things going on .

And  I do  care  for every one.    My only  problem is the  mess.

And it  just stays the same ..... 

Do you like to be chasing  bugs  away all he time ?     And wondering  what kind do I not see.

As  I said   I do care for all ..........  Every one.

IF  she would keep after the children more  this would not be  like this.....
That is my biggest  problem ......... her allowing them to do nothings. 
And  the chores they have to do  ...being told over and over.  if they did them...
And they sit there and  do nothing  for a long time  before they finally get up and
do them......   day  after day, after day  .......etc.

Phew...this is tough. 

How was your mother in law, grams?  What was your relationship with her like?

[grams]

You  are making me out for more then I am  ........

What's  your problem. ?

[MeMyself]

You  are making me out for more then I am  ........

What's  your problem. ?

My problem, if you are addressing me is that you are being very unkind and ungrateful to your daughter in law. You are airing everything you can't control about her and finding fault with her.

Again, I ask, how was your mother in law, and what was your relationship like with her?

[grams]

I am doingthis to relies the pressure  I am  having.

So I can over look it all.

We  only had 3 children  and I was  different  a place for every thing and every thing in place.

My mother in law  kind of  kept to her self.   One time she was talking about me to her husband and he pointed to her that I was there.......  she clamed up.
That was the only thing  I  wondered about.

[grams]

Thank you.........  Your  so help full to me...........

What a good Christian you are......    You do not understand pressure and lonelee s   

for a person  day after day ........  all alone    After  a long  great  Married life of  57 yeas....

[MeMyself]

Thank you.........  Your  so help full to me...........

What a good Christian you are......    You do not understand pressure and lonelee s   

for a person  day after day ........  all alone    After  a long  great  Married life of  57 yeas....

I am sorry that you are lonely.  There is not much worse than being alone in a crowded house.

However, you *were* given good Christian responses to your posts and gossip about your daughter in law.  She is not here to give her side. 

You admit that in YOUR house, the way YOU ran things, everything had its place.
She isn't you.  She doesn't do things like you do.  I doubt very much its as bad as you make it sound.

You admit that your son yells at her, the kids ignore her, you do or say enough things that she tells you to "mind your own business".  You only find fault with her.
I doubt very much that you are as innocent in this as you may think.

Your mother in law left you alone and when she gossiped about you, HER husband put her in her place...

wouldn't it be nice to give your daughter in law the same freedom from gossip that you had?

Why not try something new today?  What your ARE doing isn't working.  Why not try blessing her.  Why not try overlooking what is imperfect, praying about your issues and need for everything to be your preferred way, and ask God to help Him see your daughter in law through His eyes; focusing on whatever IS good and praiseworthy about her and just.stopping.there!  Tell her something you are proud of in her.  Pray for her to vent instead of taking your issues to others.  Remember that you (as well as the rest of us) will have to give an account of every idle word we have spoken about another.

I think you can do this!  I think you are capable and strong enough and kind enough to rise above what you prefer and love your daughter in law (really love her) right where she is at.  I bet you will be happier for it.  I KNOW she will!

[Carey]

Grams,

I considered not speaking my mind here because I knew it would cause you pain, but I feel you needed to hear this.

I am certain MeMyself had the same reservations.

Our compassion is shown in the critique and advice you have been given.  To simply ignore you, or agree with you would not be compassionate, and would not show our love for you.

You are well loved on this board Grams, when you are feeling lonely, know you have friends here that will support you and comfort you.  Best of all you have friends here that care enough about you to tell you the truth, however disagreeable the truth may seem.

With love, God bless you,
Carey 

[MeMyself]

Grams, just in case you come back to read this thread; here is an article that might help your situation a bit.
http://shareably.net/uses-for-peppermint-in-the-home/?utm_source=smob&utm_medium=facebook&utm_content=268&utm_campaign=smob

[grams]

The  reason  I am saying this  is to get it off of me .....  I do not say any thing to here.

Her  husband does!  But not me.

And I thought if I posted this it would make me feel good.........  Only thing is   some one

here thought  to make it even worse for me...... Thanks  so much

As  I have said   I lover  her  and I  like her very much   it is  just the mess  that is  day after

day after day.    Bugs  while I am trying to eat fruit.....  what fun.

I do nt know how many times  I have  caught my self from falling,   because  the children
have dropped food and what ever on the floor .....  and it  does not stop.

So  how do I get around that ?   

[mommydi]

The  reason  I am saying this  is to get it off of me .....  I do not say any thing to here.

Her  husband does!  But not me.

And I thought if I posted this it would make me feel good.........  Only thing is   some one

here thought  to make it even worse for me...... Thanks  so much

As  I have said   I lover  her  and I  like her very much   it is  just the mess  that is  day after

day after day.    Bugs  while I am trying to eat fruit.....  what fun.

I do nt know how many times  I have  caught my self from falling,   because  the children
have dropped food and what ever on the floor .....  and it  does not stop.

So  how do I get around that ?

Grams, the older we get, the more little kids underfoot can get on our nerves. I get that. The older we get, the more we value peace and quiet. That doesn't mean we don't love the little ones, but having to be with them day in and day out just wears us out emotionally more when we're older. Is there any way you can move out and get your own small apartment? If not, try going once a month to visit other relatives or friends who have no children in the home. That little break might help your frazzled nerves.
If you can't or won't go to visit others and get away, then you're going to have to develop a better mindset - for your own sanity.

[MeMyself]

I agree, grams with Mommydi. Perhaps its time to move on.  OR could they build you a tiny house, grannie dwelling in their back yard?  That way, you'd be close enough that they can help if need be, but you have your very own space, with no clutter or mess and you are no longer in danger of stumbling.

[mommydi]

I agree, grams with Mommydi. Perhaps its time to move on.  OR could they build you a tiny house, grannie dwelling in their back yard?  That way, you'd be close enough that they can help if need be, but you have your very own space, with no clutter or mess and you are no longer in danger of stumbling.

I love the idea of a tiny house for grams, and for myself someday. One of my great-grandmothers lived in a one room log cabin on the back of my aunt's acreage. My great-grandmother loved it! She had her own little place, but was close to family.


Here are some ideas -






Or, go glamping in the backyard! I'd love that!

[grams]

No !   My husband spent the money on this place to  raise it.   Only thing is  it is not  yet

finished.      And winter is around the corner.   .........

We gave them our  car,  since we are out in the  country  with miles of open  space

And If I tried to drive any place  I would loose my self after a turn or two.....

The other children live in a different  State....  So that is  out of the question.

[mommydi]

No !   My husband spent the money on this place to  raise it.   Only thing is  it is not  yet

finished.      And winter is around the corner.   .........

We gave them our  car,  since we are out in the  country  with miles of open  space

And If I tried to drive any place  I would loose my self after a turn or two.....

The other children live in a different  State....  So that is  out of the question.

Well, I'd be getting myself a cute little camper and be enjoying a little R&R out back, but that's me. 
This is about you. All about you, and no one else. So how can you fix this problem you're in? You tell us how you can change the situation to suit what you want and need. It's up to you, grams.

[grams]

Things will continue on I guess !

Since my husband passed   away   I have been going  shopping with my daughter in law and I

pay the bill.  Most of the time it is  over  two  hundred and some time more !

Plus  we end up going  for things we have forgotten ..........  And  some weeks I  pay for a

fill up of gas .   And that is better now  since the price  has come down..

So  what is left ?    Not much!

[MeMyself]

Things will continue on I guess !

Since my husband passed   away   I have been going  shopping with my daughter in law and I

pay the bill.  Most of the time it is  over  two  hundred and some time more !

Plus  we end up going  for things we have forgotten ..........  And  some weeks I  pay for a

fill up of gas .   And that is better now  since the price  has come down..

So  what is left ?    Not much!

Why are you paying the grocery bill?  Why are you filling up the car with gas?  Does you son's job not pay enough to provide for his family?

Are there any kind of services for elderly folks that will transport you?  In our small town, we have a shuttle that picks up those that need rides and services.  That way you could go and get your own small amount of groceries and be responsible only for those. 
Life is about controlling what we can, which is only ourselves.  You might need to make some small changes so that you can let go of some of the resentment you are feeling.  A camper in the backyard, for example, removes you from the immediate mess and all the noise and clutter of kids, but you are still close enough to be helped if need be.  Check into your area and see if you can find a shuttle or even someone from church who will help you get to and around the store; making it possible for you to pay only for your needs.
That way, you wont feel so helpless and victimized, but wise, strong and powerful, grams!  Its easier to speak blessings over people when we don't feel pressed under the boot of their issues. 

It sounds pretty miserable for you at your son's place, and NOT just because of the daughter in law, either.  What can you change to make it better for you? 

[mommydi]

Why are you paying the grocery bill?  Why are you filling up the car with gas?  Does you son's job not pay enough to provide for his family?

[grams]

They got loaded down with bills......  with so many children and  the health needs.

You just do not know how fast the money can go !

He had a job, that he hung on to as long as possible, only the boss was so mean and took advantage
of him and made him work over time  with out  getting a raise and a lot of stuff.
Finally he  just quite and  ,  had to find a job  fast and  of course the  salary is not  enough  to get caught  up......   and this  boss is not much better.   And I know my son is a good worker.
He is always  reading and making sure he is doing what he should be doing.

Do you know what it cost to feed and clothed a child?    And other things......... 

[MeMyself]

They got loaded down with bills......  with so many children and  the health needs.

You just do not know how fast the money can go !

Oh, believe me, yes I very much do, grams!  This is not a situation that is unique to their family. It sounds like there is a LOT more than a messy house that is out of control at the place.  Do they have a budget at all that they live with? Does your son's work not provide health insurance?  They can get on a payment plan for medical bills...we have had to do this many many times over the years with the injuries our kids have endured.

He had a job, that he hung on to as long as possible, only the boss was so mean and took advantage
of him and made him work over time  with out  getting a raise and a lot of stuff.
Finally he  just quite and  ,  had to find a job  fast and  of course the  salary is not  enough  to get caught  up......   and this  boss is not much better.   And I know my son is a good worker.
He is always  reading and making sure he is doing what he should be doing.

Do you know what it cost to feed and clothed a child?    And other things.........

I think perhaps, you have rose colored glasses on when it comes to your son...

there are many red flags waving here and your dil isn't the root of all the problems of the family...neither your son's bosses.

yes, I know the cost.  We live within our one income means.   

[mommydi]

Do you know what it cost to feed and clothed a child?    And other things.........

I do. I raised not only my own children, but a grandchild whose mother is too doped up, sick in the head, and abusive to even be called a mother - and did so without a loving, caring husband for emotional support
So when I say that I'd put a little camper in the backyard for my own sanity, I'm not just whistling Dixie. I know from whence I speak, woman.

[MeMyself]

And, grams...what can YOU control or change about your part of this life to make things easier on you and give you a higher quality of life right now? One that you can feel peaceful within?

[grams]

I came here for help  and  it seems to me all I am getting is criticized 

How  would you love to live  in a house filled with  children whom are very seldom quiet,
all ways leaving things on the floor,  coming and going and again and again.
Day after day  after day, all day long and the evening of course. 
Do you have any idea  how many times a child can go in and out of the house in one day ?

I am Blessed  I am able to move around at my age! 
But at this age it is hard to go through all the things  I all ready did with  three times
the amount of children to top that !     Just give it a thought  !   Day after day ..........

[MeMyself]

I came here for help  and  it seems to me all I am getting is criticized

What would help look like to you?  We are trying to help.  Sometimes that comes in the form of being asked to look at things through another lense.

 

How  would you love to live  in a house filled with  children whom are very seldom quiet,
all ways leaving things on the floor,  coming and going and again and again.
Day after day  after day, all day long and the evening of course. 
Do you have any idea  how many times a child can go in and out of the house in one day ?

Grams? Didn't you raise children?  Don't you remember what children are like?  Why did you agree to live in a home where eight of them live?

I am Blessed  I am able to move around at my age! 
But at this age it is hard to go through all the things  I all ready did with  three times
the amount of children to top that !     Just give it a thought  !   Day after day ..........

We understand that you are having difficulty moving around and feeling safe, which is why we suggest that moving to a camper or tiny home on the property is a good alternative for you.

You don't want to, but you are so very unhappy *in* the home as well...what would you like us to say so that you feel "helped"?

[Texas Conservative]

I came here for help  and  it seems to me all I am getting is criticized 

How  would you love to live  in a house filled with  children whom are very seldom quiet,
all ways leaving things on the floor,  coming and going and again and again.
Day after day  after day, all day long and the evening of course. 
Do you have any idea  how many times a child can go in and out of the house in one day ?

I am Blessed  I am able to move around at my age! 
But at this age it is hard to go through all the things  I all ready did with  three times
the amount of children to top that !     Just give it a thought  !   Day after day ..........

I have young kids and that sounds like my life right now.

[MeMyself]

I came here for help  and  it seems to me all I am getting is criticized 

How  would you love to live  in a house filled with  children whom are very seldom quiet,
all ways leaving things on the floor,  coming and going and again and again.
Day after day  after day, all day long and the evening of course. 
Do you have any idea  how many times a child can go in and out of the house in one day ?

I am Blessed  I am able to move around at my age! 
But at this age it is hard to go through all the things  I all ready did with  three times
the amount of children to top that !     Just give it a thought  !   Day after day ..........

I have young kids and that sounds like my life right now.

It used to be my life and I loved it! Now, its too quiet for me...so we have a little infusion of some tiny hellions that come visit us a few times a week.  BLISS!  Back to chaos, belly laughter, toys scattered across the floor as evidence of happy hearts and well honed imaginations...

[Texas Conservative]

Kids and a few dogs on top of it.  Mud, hair,  poop, toys, yelling, etc.

[MeMyself]

Kids and a few dogs on top of it.  Mud, hair,  poop, toys, yelling, etc.

happiest place on earth! 

[Texas Conservative]

Kids and a few dogs on top of it.  Mud, hair,  poop, toys, yelling, etc.

happiest place on earth! 

Had to give my cocker a bath first thing this morning.

[mommydi]

I came here for help  and  it seems to me all I am getting is criticized 

How  would you love to live  in a house filled with  children whom are very seldom quiet,
all ways leaving things on the floor,  coming and going and again and again.
Day after day  after day, all day long and the evening of course. 
Do you have any idea  how many times a child can go in and out of the house in one day ?

I am Blessed  I am able to move around at my age! 
But at this age it is hard to go through all the things  I all ready did with  three times
the amount of children to top that !     Just give it a thought  !   Day after day ..........

I have young kids and that sounds like my life right now.

To be fair, you are very young and have days off from caring for your kids. Quiet time. Grams is much older with no days off - no quiet time ever. The kids are homeschooled, too, so there's never a break. I feel for her and can empathize because I'm not a spring chicken anymore and have had the responsibility of raising a grandchild. This is a fact - those days off are sanity keepers, and if you don't get them, you go batty. Those of you who have not raised grandkids don't have a clue. Grams has no loving arms to comfort her at night after a day of frazzled nerves. She has no one - alone in her bed.  BTDT! I wish I could hug her.
That being said... she so needs a place, even a small camper out back to spend a few hours each day in total silence.

Grams...YOU NEED A GLAMPER!! Feed them all beans and rice for 3 months while you save for a neat little camper!! And when you get the camper, tell the little ones that grams is napping or praying, or whatever when you're out there.
Or feed them beans and rice and save for a cruise. Woman, you need some quiet time!

[MeMyself]

I came here for help  and  it seems to me all I am getting is criticized 

How  would you love to live  in a house filled with  children whom are very seldom quiet,
all ways leaving things on the floor,  coming and going and again and again.
Day after day  after day, all day long and the evening of course. 
Do you have any idea  how many times a child can go in and out of the house in one day ?

I am Blessed  I am able to move around at my age! 
But at this age it is hard to go through all the things  I all ready did with  three times
the amount of children to top that !     Just give it a thought  !   Day after day ..........

I have young kids and that sounds like my life right now.

To be fair, you are very young and have days off from caring for your kids. Quiet time. Grams is much older with no days off - no quiet time ever. The kids are homeschooled, too, so there's never a break. I feel for her and can empathize because I'm not a spring chicken anymore and have had the responsibility of raising a grandchild. This is a fact - those days off are sanity keepers, and if you don't get them, you go batty. Those of you who have not raised grandkids don't have a clue. Grams has no loving arms to comfort her at night after a day of frazzled nerves. She has no one - alone in her bed.  BTDT! I wish I could hug her.
That being said... she so needs a place, even a small camper out back to spend a few hours each day in total silence.

Grams...YOU NEED A GLAMPER!! Feed them all beans and rice for 3 months while you save for a neat little camper!! And when you get the camper, tell the little ones that grams is napping or praying, or whatever when you're out there.
Or feed them beans and rice and save for a cruise. Woman, you need some quiet time!

I get her, I really do. I am an extroverted introvert, but I also know its up to *me* to find a place to recharge my batteries.  I have to sneak away when all the family is here and it is expanding and I hope we are filled to the brim with grands.  Both of my grandmothers were introverts with LARGE families and I would observe them when the crazy was at its zenith.  They would quietly sneak away and find a place of solitude. It wasn't silent, but it was more quiet than in the eye of the storm. 

I can't expect my family to adjust to my burn out, but its my responsibility to take care of my need for a few moments of quiet...and I agree that she needs to save up for a space just for herself!  We have a camper on our land and I have been SO tempted a time or two to make it a "mom only club house!"   

I am uncomfortable with just venting...venting doesn't change anything, it just leads to gossip and feeling helpless.  Problem solving is a whole other beast, but its hard to learn to do...it means asking self some hard questions before any workable answers can be found, but its always such an amazing feeling when you can take some of the power back after feeling so helpless.

PS. That little pink thing is beyond darling!!!

[grams]

To be fair, you are very young and have days off from caring for your kids. Quiet time. Grams is much older with no days off - no quiet time ever. The kids are homeschooled, too, so there's never a break. I feel for her and can empathize because I'm not a spring chicken anymore and have had the responsibility of raising a grandchild. This is a fact - those days off are sanity keepers, and if you don't get them, you go batty. Those of you who have not raised grandkids don't have a clue. Grams has no loving arms to comfort her at night after a day of frazzled nerves. She has no one - alone in her bed.  BTDT! I wish I could hug her.
That being said... she so needs a place, even a small camper out back to spend a few hours each day in total silence


Thank You  MeMyself,


You  are  correct one I need    when I go to bed comfort............    After  having this for  58  years....

It is so different now........  I am missing my husband  and yet happy that his pain is gone..

It is so hard .

I do have my own bed room and bath room.   So I can go and close the door and be left alone.

But with out my husband it is such a big void......."NOTHING" 

[MeMyself]

Grams, MommyDi is the one that said the above.  I am glad her words brought you a bit of comfort and understanding.

I asked you before, how can we help you?

[grams]

How  can I feel  like part of the family  ?  When they are talking  about things I have no idea

Plus I get tired of  sitting there and having people keep  getting up and going to another room,

or out side ! 

I know they all love me,  but they are going around and doing what they do ........
And I sure cant do those things........

If  just once in a while they would come and just talk to me or  just tell me some thing  that has
happened  to or with them at different  times..   Not a ong thing  just to make  me feel like
they know  I need company  some times.......  Only my daughter in law  will because  she is
sitting down and folding clothes.........    Or just sits down to have a cup of coffee...    Some thing
like that with other other  children would be nice.

[MeMyself]

How  can I feel  like part of the family  ?  When they are talking  about things I have no idea

Plus I get tired of  sitting there and having people keep  getting up and going to another room,

or out side ! 

I know they all love me,  but they are going around and doing what they do ........
And I sure cant do those things........

If  just once in a while they would come and just talk to me or  just tell me some thing  that has
happened  to or with them at different  times..   Not a ong thing  just to make  me feel like
they know  I need company  some times.......  Only my daughter in law  will because  she is
sitting down and folding clothes.........    Or just sits down to have a cup of coffee...    Some thing
like that with other other  children would be nice.

  Oh, sweet grams...*this* I can understand.  You feel invisible in a very full home and that is a terrible hurt for you!

Father God, please give gram's family eyes to see her need.  Her need for companionship, for conversation, for understanding.  Let them be moved in their hearts to want to spend time with her, talking and laughing with her.  Let them reach to her for a hug and a smile. 
But, Lord if they do not, if they are so very busy that they can't see or hear You...comfort grams none the less.  Put her on the heart of someone from their church, and let them be brave and reach out to her.  And, Father, let gram's heart remain soft and approachable to her people, so that when they do come, even if it takes them a long time to remember that she is there and has needs, she will welcome them with open heart and arms!
Thank you for grams, and for bringing her here.
In Jesus name
amen