Women what should I do about sexless marriage?

[tryingdad]

I would like to ask the married women here a question. What should a husband do if his wife refuses to partake in intimacy within their marriage? This problem has only gone from bad to worse. She simply has no interest in hugs, kisses, I love yous and sex. It's always been like this but now it's gotten so bad I am at a loss on what to do. She refuses marriage counseling. From a female perspective what do you think a husband should do in this situation?
Thank you.

[chosenone]

Well what she is doing is disobeying God, but telling her that probably wont help. You say she has always been like that? How long have you been married? What is the marriage like apart from that?

[tryingdad]

Well what she is doing is disobeying God, but telling her that probably wont help. You say she has always been like that? How long have you been married? What is the marriage like apart from that?

.

She enjoyed sexual relations many years ago.  As for our marriage in other areas, she's married to her job. Her career and coworkers are her first love.

[chosenone]

I think that you must make it clear to her how desperately unhappy you are and how wrong this whole situation is, especially as a Christian wife.
Would she go to counseling if it was to actually save the marriage? She would rather you just put up with this, but if you do it will never change.
Do you have children?

[tooldtocare]

[chosenone]

I grew up not knowing what the term "sex" meant, my mother told me what love meant. It was for the procreation of a child or more and then care for them for the rest of my life. I can happily say I am a grandfather several times over. Now being in my late 60's and my wife no longer around (divorced) I still need the comforts of a woman. I do not want to call it "sex" but love making instead.

Am I sinning if I have a relationship that involves love making without the "I will love you until death do us part"; part?

What does the Bible say about sex/love making outside marriage?

[tryingdad]

I think that you must make it clear to her how desperately unhappy you are and how wrong this whole situation is, especially as a Christian wife.
Would she go to counseling if it was to actually save the marriage? She would rather you just put up with this, but if you do it will never change.
Do you have children?

I have made it desperately clear many times. Once she said she needed help. Other times she told me to marry someone else if sx is what I wanted. Other times she said she just doesn't like anything about me. :( That bothered her and she apologized the next morning. She even had a dream about it saying it bothered her.

I do not know if she would go to counseling. She is not the kind of person who likes to be told what to do.

We have one teenager. This makes the prospect of me separating so hard.

Let me ask you a question. She just went to a co-workers going away party. Should a spouse invite her/his spouse or is that neither here nor there.

I have been complaining about this for years. I'm at a loss.

[tryingdad]

I grew up not knowing what the term "sex" meant, my mother told me what love meant. It was for the procreation of a child or more and then care for them for the rest of my life. I can happily say I am a grandfather several times over. Now being in my late 60's and my wife no longer around (divorced) I still need the comforts of a woman. I do not want to call it "sex" but love making instead.

Am I sinning if I have a relationship that involves love making without the "I will love you until death do us part"; part?

I like how you think. It's "love making" not sex. Even that does not change my wife. Maybe because she does not love me.

[chosenone]

I think that you must make it clear to her how desperately unhappy you are and how wrong this whole situation is, especially as a Christian wife.
Would she go to counseling if it was to actually save the marriage? She would rather you just put up with this, but if you do it will never change.
Do you have children?

I have made it desperately clear many times. Once she said she needed help. Other times she told me to marry someone else if sx is what I wanted. Other times she said she just doesn't like anything about me. :( That bothered her and she apologized the next morning. She even had a dream about it saying it bothered her.

I do not know if she would go to counseling. She is not the kind of person who likes to be told what to do.

We have one teenager. This makes the prospect of me separating so hard.

Let me ask you a question. She just went to a co-workers going away party. Should a spouse invite her/his spouse or is that neither here nor there.

I have been complaining about this for years. I'm at a loss.

She is being very cruel to tell you that if sex is what you want then marry someone else. Married people are supposed to have sex and we are told not to deprive the other.

Can you go and see your pastor about this?

[Jean74]

I am praying for you. As hope you all can get some counseling. As well lean on Him. And in His word!

[tryingdad]

I think that you must make it clear to her how desperately unhappy you are and how wrong this whole situation is, especially as a Christian wife.
Would she go to counseling if it was to actually save the marriage? She would rather you just put up with this, but if you do it will never change.
Do you have children?

I have made it desperately clear many times. Once she said she needed help. Other times she told me to marry someone else if sx is what I wanted. Other times she said she just doesn't like anything about me. :( That bothered her and she apologized the next morning. She even had a dream about it saying it bothered her.

I do not know if she would go to counseling. She is not the kind of person who likes to be told what to do.

We have one teenager. This makes the prospect of me separating so hard.

Let me ask you a question. She just went to a co-workers going away party. Should a spouse invite her/his spouse or is that neither here nor there.

I have been complaining about this for years. I'm at a loss.

She is being very cruel to tell you that if sex is what you want then marry someone else. Married people are supposed to have sex and we are told not to deprive the other.

Can you go and see your pastor about this?

I read her 1 Cor 7 about not withholding sex from your marriage P. She was shocked because she never knew that existed. It didn't change anything between us.
We were going to separate churches. Out of my insistence we started going to church together. It told her I wanted to talk to her pastor and she got very angry and made some angry threats like she won't go back or she will get a restrainning orderr... yep
I would like to talk to someone anyone! But understand this. I now know after years of putting up with this and it only getting worse that nothing will change her. I can't change her.
I have to plan for a separation. A separation on my terms! I just hate to hurt my child. But I simply can't go on like this. It's too humiliating. I might not make the separation now but I have to at least intelligently plan for it. I am NOT on my wife's radar of priorities.

[tryingdad]

I am praying for you. As hope you all can get some counseling. As well lean on Him. And in His word!

Thank you. I have gone to counseling. Now that I have a new job I don't have the time. But I really should.

[chosenone]

I think that you must make it clear to her how desperately unhappy you are and how wrong this whole situation is, especially as a Christian wife.
Would she go to counseling if it was to actually save the marriage? She would rather you just put up with this, but if you do it will never change.
Do you have children?

I have made it desperately clear many times. Once she said she needed help. Other times she told me to marry someone else if sx is what I wanted. Other times she said she just doesn't like anything about me. :( That bothered her and she apologized the next morning. She even had a dream about it saying it bothered her.

I do not know if she would go to counseling. She is not the kind of person who likes to be told what to do.

We have one teenager. This makes the prospect of me separating so hard.

Let me ask you a question. She just went to a co-workers going away party. Should a spouse invite her/his spouse or is that neither here nor there.

I have been complaining about this for years. I'm at a loss.

She is being very cruel to tell you that if sex is what you want then marry someone else. Married people are supposed to have sex and we are told not to deprive the other.

Can you go and see your pastor about this?

I read her 1 Cor 7 about not withholding sex from your marriage P. She was shocked because she never knew that existed. It didn't change anything between us.
We were going to separate churches. Out of my insistence we started going to church together. It told her I wanted to talk to her pastor and she got very angry and made some angry threats like she won't go back or she will get a restrainning orderr... yep
I would like to talk to someone anyone! But understand this. I now know after years of putting up with this and it only getting worse that nothing will change her. I can't change her.
I have to plan for a separation. A separation on my terms! I just hate to hurt my child. But I simply can't go on like this. It's too humiliating. I might not make the separation now but I have to at least intelligently plan for it. I am NOT on my wife's radar of priorities.

I would go to your pastor or someone else you trust and talk to them. You need wise godly support and guidance. She doesnt need to know. 

Some may say you have reason to end the marriage, but I think you need to tell her that things are heading that way before you actually leave. It will give her one last chance to do the right thing. Its a sad situation but she seems to have no intention of being a godly wife at all.

[tryingdad]

Thanks. I will respond.
I may have ACCIDENTALLY pressed the report to moderator button to the post above. That was an accident. Great post. Please disregard if the report went through. It was an accident.

[tryingdad]

I think that you must make it clear to her how desperately unhappy you are and how wrong this whole situation is, especially as a Christian wife.
Would she go to counseling if it was to actually save the marriage? She would rather you just put up with this, but if you do it will never change.
Do you have children?

I have made it desperately clear many times. Once she said she needed help. Other times she told me to marry someone else if sx is what I wanted. Other times she said she just doesn't like anything about me. :( That bothered her and she apologized the next morning. She even had a dream about it saying it bothered her.

I do not know if she would go to counseling. She is not the kind of person who likes to be told what to do.

We have one teenager. This makes the prospect of me separating so hard.

Let me ask you a question. She just went to a co-workers going away party. Should a spouse invite her/his spouse or is that neither here nor there.

I have been complaining about this for years. I'm at a loss.

She is being very cruel to tell you that if sex is what you want then marry someone else. Married people are supposed to have sex and we are told not to deprive the other.

Can you go and see your pastor about this?

I read her 1 Cor 7 about not withholding sex from your marriage P. She was shocked because she never knew that existed. It didn't change anything between us.
We were going to separate churches. Out of my insistence we started going to church together. It told her I wanted to talk to her pastor and she got very angry and made some angry threats like she won't go back or she will get a restrainning orderr... yep
I would like to talk to someone anyone! But understand this. I now know after years of putting up with this and it only getting worse that nothing will change her. I can't change her.
I have to plan for a separation. A separation on my terms! I just hate to hurt my child. But I simply can't go on like this. It's too humiliating. I might not make the separation now but I have to at least intelligently plan for it. I am NOT on my wife's radar of priorities.

I would go to your pastor or someone else you trust and talk to them. You need wise godly support and guidance. She doesnt need to know. 

Some may say you have reason to end the marriage, but I think you need to tell her that things are heading that way before you actually leave. It will give her one last chance to do the right thing. Its a sad situation but she seems to have no intention of being a godly wife at all.

Yes, I agree. I have to do something. I just have to do it at the right time. I have to work on myself first and fix myself before I can fix my marriage, if it's even repairable. I just don't want to hurt our child. Our child is still in high school. I also never lived on my own believe it or not.

I have sinned in our marriage. Don't think I am a saint. I have prayed for forgiveness.

[tryingdad]

So you think I should ask for a separation so she can make up her mind to see if she wants to remain married to me?

[tryingdad]

anyone?

[chosenone]

I think that you should go and talk to your pastor or another wise godly man abut your next step.

[slydoll]

This is a hard one.....give an example I'm also in a sexless marriage

I pray a lot and hope things will turn around..as I'm typing I sag tears because I know how frustrating it can get.

Keep trying and pray a lot.

[777]

Hey...I'm a guy too just reading what women think but ahh.......you just described word-for-word my marriage that ended 14 years ago.  Dated for 5 years....married for 9.  Sexless for last 2 years.  I KNOW you don't want to hear this and FOR SURE don't want to believe it, but I would strongly recommend considering that she is seeing someone else (mine was).  Not formally,...you probably would never know but is probably happening in the course of a day.  My wife (at the time) started going to lunch with an IT guy that came into her work once a week,....and if you suspect anything, you will always hear "But we're just friends" from her.  Don't believe it for a second.

[Messy]

So you think I should ask for a separation so she can make up her mind to see if she wants to remain married to me?

Yes I think so. Maybe she wakes up then. We had a couple in church. She refused for 18 years, so he got it on the street. They went for counselling but she simply didn't want to forgive him or try. Don't understand why they stayed together that long. It was bad for the kids. He's now remarried and she stays alone. I always thought she was abused or something.
One guy on another forum, his wife was raped and she hated sex and was very nasty and refused for like 20 years and he just stayed and laid his life down for her. Unbelievable. It's one of the basics. If slaves didn't get it in the O.T. they could divorce.

[tryingdad]

Hey...I'm a guy too just reading what women think but ahh.......you just described word-for-word my marriage that ended 14 years ago.  Dated for 5 years....married for 9.  Sexless for last 2 years.  I KNOW you don't want to hear this and FOR SURE don't want to believe it, but I would strongly recommend considering that she is seeing someone else (mine was).  Not formally,...you probably would never know but is probably happening in the course of a day.  My wife (at the time) started going to lunch with an IT guy that came into her work once a week,....and if you suspect anything, you will always hear "But we're just friends" from her.  Don't believe it for a second.

Well I have wondered about that. I've been told that too... a friend. This "friend" is an old man. I really don't know.

[tryingdad]

So you think I should ask for a separation so she can make up her mind to see if she wants to remain married to me?

Yes I think so. Maybe she wakes up then. We had a couple in church. She refused for 18 years, so he got it on the street. They went for counselling but she simply didn't want to forgive him or try. Don't understand why they stayed together that long. It was bad for the kids. He's now remarried and she stays alone. I always thought she was abused or something.
One guy on another forum, his wife was raped and she hated sex and was very nasty and refused for like 20 years and he just stayed and laid his life down for her. Unbelievable. It's one of the basics. If slaves didn't get it in the O.T. they could divorce.

I did not know that about slaves in the O.T. Can you provide me where to find this?

[chosenone]

Hey...I'm a guy too just reading what women think but ahh.......you just described word-for-word my marriage that ended 14 years ago.  Dated for 5 years....married for 9.  Sexless for last 2 years.  I KNOW you don't want to hear this and FOR SURE don't want to believe it, but I would strongly recommend considering that she is seeing someone else (mine was).  Not formally,...you probably would never know but is probably happening in the course of a day.  My wife (at the time) started going to lunch with an IT guy that came into her work once a week,....and if you suspect anything, you will always hear "But we're just friends" from her.  Don't believe it for a second.

Well I have wondered about that. I've been told that too... a friend. This "friend" is an old man. I really don't know.

Old men can still have sex, and what do you mean by old?.

What does she say when you ask her why she is refusing sex? Does she know that its disobeying God?

[tryingdad]

Hey...I'm a guy too just reading what women think but ahh.......you just described word-for-word my marriage that ended 14 years ago.  Dated for 5 years....married for 9.  Sexless for last 2 years.  I KNOW you don't want to hear this and FOR SURE don't want to believe it, but I would strongly recommend considering that she is seeing someone else (mine was).  Not formally,...you probably would never know but is probably happening in the course of a day.  My wife (at the time) started going to lunch with an IT guy that came into her work once a week,....and if you suspect anything, you will always hear "But we're just friends" from her.  Don't believe it for a second.

Well I have wondered about that. I've been told that too... a friend. This "friend" is an old man. I really don't know.

Old men can still have sex, and what do you mean by old?.

What does she say when you ask her why she is refusing sex? Does she know that its disobeying God?

Basically, she's never wanted to have sex all through our marriage. It's been years and years. It's only gotten worse. She just doesn't want sex. She's even said she doesn't love me more than once. We get along fime just as long as sex doesn't come up. But when sex comes up there is an argument. And she refuses marriage therapy.

Her old boss... well he's old. I did have reasons for concern cause I found romantically written emails. But when we DID have sex she was too dry and tight for me to believe anything was going on.

[Gods Princess]

Hi there and i am very very sorry to hear about your situation. You do need to talk with a pastor and very soon. Be careful to pick a good bible believing pastor. It's not possible to give an opinion because I dont know your wife or why she is doing this. Theres always 2 sides. This is why you need to talk with someone face to face who can give you godly counsel. Ultimately if this goes on it will destroy your marriage because God is clear that when there is no sex between a married couple (other than a period where its consensual for sickness...fasting...etc) then satan will attempt to get in.
I dont feel this is grounds for divorce, but you really do need to get help for you both and quickly.

[chosenone]

Hey...I'm a guy too just reading what women think but ahh.......you just described word-for-word my marriage that ended 14 years ago.  Dated for 5 years....married for 9.  Sexless for last 2 years.  I KNOW you don't want to hear this and FOR SURE don't want to believe it, but I would strongly recommend considering that she is seeing someone else (mine was).  Not formally,...you probably would never know but is probably happening in the course of a day.  My wife (at the time) started going to lunch with an IT guy that came into her work once a week,....and if you suspect anything, you will always hear "But we're just friends" from her.  Don't believe it for a second.

Well I have wondered about that. I've been told that too... a friend. This "friend" is an old man. I really don't know.

Old men can still have sex, and what do you mean by old?.

What does she say when you ask her why she is refusing sex? Does she know that its disobeying God?

Basically, she's never wanted to have sex all through our marriage. It's been years and years. It's only gotten worse. She just doesn't want sex. She's even said she doesn't love me more than once. We get along fime just as long as sex doesn't come up. But when sex comes up there is an argument. And she refuses marriage therapy.

Her old boss... well he's old. I did have reasons for concern cause I found romantically written emails. But when we DID have sex she was too dry and tight for me to believe anything was going on.

Its a hard situation and I do feel for you. She must have been aware of her negative aversion to sex before you married so really she married you under false pretenses. Its a cruel thing to completely deprive your spouse of sex.
If the email were romantic then its clear that something is going on, even if its not actual sex it may be an emotional affair or have some physical aspect. How long has that been going on?

Is she aware that you are wanting to end the marriage?

[tryingdad]

Hi there and i am very very sorry to hear about your situation. You do need to talk with a pastor and very soon. Be careful to pick a good bible believing pastor. It's not possible to give an opinion because I dont know your wife or why she is doing this. Theres always 2 sides. This is why you need to talk with someone face to face who can give you godly counsel. Ultimately if this goes on it will destroy your marriage because God is clear that when there is no sex between a married couple (other than a period where its consensual for sickness...fasting...etc) then satan will attempt to get in.
I dont feel this is grounds for divorce, but you really do need to get help for you both and quickly.

So I am supposed to go the rest of my life in a sexless loveless marriage?

I have spoken someone.

[tryingdad]

Hey...I'm a guy too just reading what women think but ahh.......you just described word-for-word my marriage that ended 14 years ago.  Dated for 5 years....married for 9.  Sexless for last 2 years.  I KNOW you don't want to hear this and FOR SURE don't want to believe it, but I would strongly recommend considering that she is seeing someone else (mine was).  Not formally,...you probably would never know but is probably happening in the course of a day.  My wife (at the time) started going to lunch with an IT guy that came into her work once a week,....and if you suspect anything, you will always hear "But we're just friends" from her.  Don't believe it for a second.

Well I have wondered about that. I've been told that too... a friend. This "friend" is an old man. I really don't know.

Old men can still have sex, and what do you mean by old?.

What does she say when you ask her why she is refusing sex? Does she know that its disobeying God?

Basically, she's never wanted to have sex all through our marriage. It's been years and years. It's only gotten worse. She just doesn't want sex. She's even said she doesn't love me more than once. We get along fime just as long as sex doesn't come up. But when sex comes up there is an argument. And she refuses marriage therapy.

Her old boss... well he's old. I did have reasons for concern cause I found romantically written emails. But when we DID have sex she was too dry and tight for me to believe anything was going on.

Its a hard situation and I do feel for you. She must have been aware of her negative aversion to sex before you married so really she married you under false pretenses. Its a cruel thing to completely deprive your spouse of sex.
If the email were romantic then its clear that something is going on, even if its not actual sex it may be an emotional affair or have some physical aspect. How long has that been going on?

Is she aware that you are wanting to end the marriage?

I have said I wanted to get out of the marriage more than once... out of frustration of being in a sexless marriage. But she doesn't believe me and rightly so I have yet to do anything.

As for the EA I found emails about a little over 2 years ago. I have no idea if they are going on anymore since I have no access to her emails or phone.

[chosenone]

I think that you must make it clear to her how desperately unhappy you are and how wrong this whole situation is, especially as a Christian wife.
Would she go to counseling if it was to actually save the marriage? She would rather you just put up with this, but if you do it will never change.
Do you have children?

I have made it desperately clear many times. Once she said she needed help. Other times she told me to marry someone else if sx is what I wanted. Other times she said she just doesn't like anything about me. :( That bothered her and she apologized the next morning. She even had a dream about it saying it bothered her.

I do not know if she would go to counseling. She is not the kind of person who likes to be told what to do.

We have one teenager. This makes the prospect of me separating so hard.

Let me ask you a question. She just went to a co-workers going away party. Should a spouse invite her/his spouse or is that neither here nor there.

I have been complaining about this for years. I'm at a loss.

  If its a party where other halves are invited then yes. Its its just for the work colleagues then no.

What do you think God is saying to you? Have you discussed this with your pastor or other mature Christians in your church? if so what did they say?

[Open Heart]

I have to plan for a separation. A separation on my terms! I just hate to hurt my child. But I simply can't go on like this. It's too humiliating. I might not make the separation now but I have to at least intelligently plan for it. I am NOT on my wife's radar of priorities.

YOu say you need to plan for separation.  That sounds smart.  But let's look one thing squarely in the eye--your wife has ALREADY BEGUN the separation process.  She has separated from you in bed.  She has separated from you socially.  She has separated from you in the churches you attend.  She has separated from you in her time priorities, putting her job first. Shall I go on?  You are barely there for her.  It makes me wonder why she hasn't left yet.  You might want to ask her exactly why she is still with you, given that her actions show that she no longer wants you.  Warning: sometimes people just don't want to be the bad guy -- she may be waiting for you to get so fed up that you are the one who leaves.

Right now she is unwilling to change because she thinks you will put up with things as they are, and she is just fine with things as is.  She might never change, and perhaps separating is best.  But before that happens, I'll tell you one thing -- unless she is made to feel uncomfortable with how things are, she will not change.  The first thing you need to do is give her consequences. For example, one possibility is to tell her that you are starting to make plans to move out, and possibly file for legal separation; if she wants to stop that, she needs to go to marriage counseling with you.

How in the world did you guys end up going to two different churches?  If one of you hated church A, couldn't the other have said, We'll look for a new church together?